Amazing post by EnglishGarden
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Amazing post by EnglishGarden
"lilygirl,
Are you having second thoughts? Doubts? Are you thinking there might be a compromise? Maybe a way to avoid a final goodbye?
Or is it just sorrow and grief?
One thing I have learned in recovery is that when those who have to separate from an addict they love think in terms of "forever", some of them are brought down too hard by that thinking and they can't make a move, can't make a decision.
If this is so for you, in case it is, then it is all right to go three months, six months, nine months at a time. Even a month at a time. Rather than be pulled into his current situation--which you cannot help in any way, no matter what he says to you right now for his is an addict brain right now and it is UNSTABLE--you can take yourself out of the picture as far his recovery goes and do it for at least one month, then reassess.
The bitter truth is that he is likely to relapse within a month of getting clean. And the hard fact is that even if he stays clean beyond that time, he will not be trustworthy for at least a year until he levels out.
You really do need to stay away for now. His addict brain will be crazed for quite some time, looking for ways to recharge the addiction, looking for escapes of all kinds from the stress of withdrawal, and it is a dangerous time to be in contact with him or with his family. The people he needs in his inner circle are recovery people. If he is trying to bring you in right now, he is doing what recovering addicts call "self-medicating." It is a way to avoid recovery.
I'm sorry his drugging has turned your world upside down. But we have a phrase here that you really need to use for yourself: Hands Off the Addict. You really will be contributing to his chances to get well if you do that.
He will want you to think you will make all the difference, not to give up on him, he will say to you that he would not leave you if the situation were reversed. We know this because it is a PATTERN. It is what addicts do when they hit the wall.
The girlfriend runs to be by his side, and then within a short period of time, she is blindsided again.
Recovery takes a lot of time. When we are under the illusion that it is a short period of time, we get hurt."
This was from another thread (lillygirl) - but it was incredibly helpful to me I wanted to put this up in it's own place - I don't know how to make a sticky. Hope this is ok with forum admin.
Such wisdom. Thank you EnglishGarden
Are you having second thoughts? Doubts? Are you thinking there might be a compromise? Maybe a way to avoid a final goodbye?
Or is it just sorrow and grief?
One thing I have learned in recovery is that when those who have to separate from an addict they love think in terms of "forever", some of them are brought down too hard by that thinking and they can't make a move, can't make a decision.
If this is so for you, in case it is, then it is all right to go three months, six months, nine months at a time. Even a month at a time. Rather than be pulled into his current situation--which you cannot help in any way, no matter what he says to you right now for his is an addict brain right now and it is UNSTABLE--you can take yourself out of the picture as far his recovery goes and do it for at least one month, then reassess.
The bitter truth is that he is likely to relapse within a month of getting clean. And the hard fact is that even if he stays clean beyond that time, he will not be trustworthy for at least a year until he levels out.
You really do need to stay away for now. His addict brain will be crazed for quite some time, looking for ways to recharge the addiction, looking for escapes of all kinds from the stress of withdrawal, and it is a dangerous time to be in contact with him or with his family. The people he needs in his inner circle are recovery people. If he is trying to bring you in right now, he is doing what recovering addicts call "self-medicating." It is a way to avoid recovery.
I'm sorry his drugging has turned your world upside down. But we have a phrase here that you really need to use for yourself: Hands Off the Addict. You really will be contributing to his chances to get well if you do that.
He will want you to think you will make all the difference, not to give up on him, he will say to you that he would not leave you if the situation were reversed. We know this because it is a PATTERN. It is what addicts do when they hit the wall.
The girlfriend runs to be by his side, and then within a short period of time, she is blindsided again.
Recovery takes a lot of time. When we are under the illusion that it is a short period of time, we get hurt."
This was from another thread (lillygirl) - but it was incredibly helpful to me I wanted to put this up in it's own place - I don't know how to make a sticky. Hope this is ok with forum admin.
Such wisdom. Thank you EnglishGarden
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Thanks for this EnglishGarden and seventytimes7!
HOA = Hands Off the Addict, in rehab, treatment and early recovery (at least a year). No drawing You back in. No fraternization with anyone in rehab or treatment. No 13th Stepping. No new romantic or sexual relationships. For one year.
Sobriety & Recovery - period.
Otherwise, one may as well have handed the Addict his or her Drug Of Choice to "self-medicate" with. And it was and always is the Addict's choice, let's not forget. The Addict is simply switching addictions, and engaging in cross-addictive behavior. What's more, the Addict is writing his or her own prescription and "program" yet claiming to be "getting help" or working "the" program. No, just getting some, another high or escape, and "doing" a custom program that isn't one at all. A wolf in sheep's clothing if ever there was one!
Still as sick as ever.
HOA = Hands Off the Addict, in rehab, treatment and early recovery (at least a year). No drawing You back in. No fraternization with anyone in rehab or treatment. No 13th Stepping. No new romantic or sexual relationships. For one year.
Sobriety & Recovery - period.
Otherwise, one may as well have handed the Addict his or her Drug Of Choice to "self-medicate" with. And it was and always is the Addict's choice, let's not forget. The Addict is simply switching addictions, and engaging in cross-addictive behavior. What's more, the Addict is writing his or her own prescription and "program" yet claiming to be "getting help" or working "the" program. No, just getting some, another high or escape, and "doing" a custom program that isn't one at all. A wolf in sheep's clothing if ever there was one!
Still as sick as ever.
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