I need help..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wilton, Ct
Posts: 8
I need help..
Hi All,
I am Diane, a 45 yr old Mom of my beautiful 19 yr old daughter Taylor. Taylor is a heroin addict. She is in her first detox and moving to a 28 day program tomorrow. WE have tried IOP's, therapy..blahblah. This the first time I have used "Tough Love" so to speak. Her choice was to do 28 days or not come home. Thank God she agreed....This has been the worst week of my life..but I know I am at the beginning of a long road...I would love some advice..input..suggestions...
Diane
Thanks for listening
I am Diane, a 45 yr old Mom of my beautiful 19 yr old daughter Taylor. Taylor is a heroin addict. She is in her first detox and moving to a 28 day program tomorrow. WE have tried IOP's, therapy..blahblah. This the first time I have used "Tough Love" so to speak. Her choice was to do 28 days or not come home. Thank God she agreed....This has been the worst week of my life..but I know I am at the beginning of a long road...I would love some advice..input..suggestions...
Diane
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Welcome, Diane. I am also the mother of a 19 year old heroin addict - currently 4 months clean, and working on recovery.
The best advice I can give you is that 28 days is just the beginning. Let her know that she cannot live at home again until she has been clean for a year. In reality, she will probably never live at home again - but you don't need to go there yet.
There are excellent sober living houses, and transitional care programs, that will help her learn the skills she needs to practice living a sober life in the real world, with all the triggers that exist in life. She cannot do that at home.
My son was crushed when we told him mid-way through his rehab stay that he couldn't come home until he'd been clean for a year. The interventionist we used suggested writing a letter, and having his counselor at rehab share it with him at the 2 week mark. He was sad, and angry, and eventually accepted the transitional living program, because he didn't want to live on the street.
He fought the program- he "gamed the system" - and he relapsed. However, the connections with sober men he'd made during the 9 months he lived there saved his life, and showed him the path back to sanity when he relapsed. If he had relapsed at home, he would have only had his "old friends" around- and I'm pretty certain he'd either be dead or on his way.
He's now working a program, attending college, and talking about a future. He lives about 2 hours away - close enough to visit, but far enough away that he has to manage his life himself.
The best advice I can give you is that 28 days is just the beginning. Let her know that she cannot live at home again until she has been clean for a year. In reality, she will probably never live at home again - but you don't need to go there yet.
There are excellent sober living houses, and transitional care programs, that will help her learn the skills she needs to practice living a sober life in the real world, with all the triggers that exist in life. She cannot do that at home.
My son was crushed when we told him mid-way through his rehab stay that he couldn't come home until he'd been clean for a year. The interventionist we used suggested writing a letter, and having his counselor at rehab share it with him at the 2 week mark. He was sad, and angry, and eventually accepted the transitional living program, because he didn't want to live on the street.
He fought the program- he "gamed the system" - and he relapsed. However, the connections with sober men he'd made during the 9 months he lived there saved his life, and showed him the path back to sanity when he relapsed. If he had relapsed at home, he would have only had his "old friends" around- and I'm pretty certain he'd either be dead or on his way.
He's now working a program, attending college, and talking about a future. He lives about 2 hours away - close enough to visit, but far enough away that he has to manage his life himself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 14
As a 20 year old that is dealing with an exboyfriend that is a heroin addict, I have nothing to offer but that I am praying for you and for her. You and I both are on a long and hard road. I pray you and her both find peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hello Diane, welcome to SR I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason.
As mothers we tend to think we can " fix" our kids after all mothers take care of everything
unfournately addiction is too strong for us to be able to make better.
Please remember You didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Are you attending any meetings while your daughter is getting help? If not maybe you would consider doing so?
I have 2 As (addicted sons) and my husband is an addict my sons were young when they started. There will be a posse of moms coming along.
As mothers we tend to think we can " fix" our kids after all mothers take care of everything
unfournately addiction is too strong for us to be able to make better.
Please remember You didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Are you attending any meetings while your daughter is getting help? If not maybe you would consider doing so?
I have 2 As (addicted sons) and my husband is an addict my sons were young when they started. There will be a posse of moms coming along.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Welcome, HopeforTaylor.
I will send prayers for you as you travel down this bloodied road of addiction with your daughter. It is truly hell, and nothing can sugarcoat that.
That Taylor chose rehab at an early age rather than just running away to be with using friends is a positive sign. My own AS NEVER acknowledged he had a problem.
I had to call 911 on my AS back in 2004 because he raged and started running after me. That was the hardest phone call I ever made. He was taken to a 72 hour holding unit at a (now defunct) county psych hospital. He refused to go into a detox/psych ward as they recommended and he wasn't psychotic enough to be committed against his will. I wonder what it takes?
I told him he would NEVER spend a night in our home again, and he has not.
My son broke me emotionally over the years. Starting 3 years ago, I realized I was completely codependent and broken. I began spiritual readings, and lurking on this board. I now belong to a nurturing all inclusive Christian church. I meditate daily and love my job. I am so in love with my partner.
I am strong and centered now. He has made a mess of his life, though. I have helped him out over the years. And, yes, I still do so WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF WHAT I CHOOSE TO DO THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME CRAZY AGAIN.
I don't know what your own path will be, but I wish I had found this forum years ago. But, we all heal/grow at our own pace and learn our lessons when we are ready to learn them. So will Taylor. Heroin is a wicked addiction to overcome. To my knowledge my AS has not been a heroin addict. Weed and opiates when he can find them is horrible enough.
Please look for the posts by Ann, EnglishGarden, and KindEyes, in your initial searches on this forum. They have lived the addictions of their children. I know many more on here have, but these three seem to always pop in when moms and their children come to seek help.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
I will send prayers for you as you travel down this bloodied road of addiction with your daughter. It is truly hell, and nothing can sugarcoat that.
That Taylor chose rehab at an early age rather than just running away to be with using friends is a positive sign. My own AS NEVER acknowledged he had a problem.
I had to call 911 on my AS back in 2004 because he raged and started running after me. That was the hardest phone call I ever made. He was taken to a 72 hour holding unit at a (now defunct) county psych hospital. He refused to go into a detox/psych ward as they recommended and he wasn't psychotic enough to be committed against his will. I wonder what it takes?
I told him he would NEVER spend a night in our home again, and he has not.
My son broke me emotionally over the years. Starting 3 years ago, I realized I was completely codependent and broken. I began spiritual readings, and lurking on this board. I now belong to a nurturing all inclusive Christian church. I meditate daily and love my job. I am so in love with my partner.
I am strong and centered now. He has made a mess of his life, though. I have helped him out over the years. And, yes, I still do so WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF WHAT I CHOOSE TO DO THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME CRAZY AGAIN.
I don't know what your own path will be, but I wish I had found this forum years ago. But, we all heal/grow at our own pace and learn our lessons when we are ready to learn them. So will Taylor. Heroin is a wicked addiction to overcome. To my knowledge my AS has not been a heroin addict. Weed and opiates when he can find them is horrible enough.
Please look for the posts by Ann, EnglishGarden, and KindEyes, in your initial searches on this forum. They have lived the addictions of their children. I know many more on here have, but these three seem to always pop in when moms and their children come to seek help.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
HopeforTaylor
I came to this site when my daughter was 19 also. She is a coccaine addict. My story has not become a "happily ever after" one, but I do have hope that things will work out for the best some day. This site has been a life saver for me over the years, I suggest you keep posting no matter what you are going through. Just coming here and reading has helped me remember what I have learned over the years and keeps me grounded as a codie. I pray for you and your daughter. It is not an easy path to walk through, but with help you can find peace in your heart and continue to love your daughter regardless of what happens. Hugs from one mom to another
I came to this site when my daughter was 19 also. She is a coccaine addict. My story has not become a "happily ever after" one, but I do have hope that things will work out for the best some day. This site has been a life saver for me over the years, I suggest you keep posting no matter what you are going through. Just coming here and reading has helped me remember what I have learned over the years and keeps me grounded as a codie. I pray for you and your daughter. It is not an easy path to walk through, but with help you can find peace in your heart and continue to love your daughter regardless of what happens. Hugs from one mom to another
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wilton, Ct
Posts: 8
As i sit hear and read all if your kind, truthful, compassionate comments i wait for my daughter to call me when she can. Ive been waiting 4 hrs....and its killing me. I am so happy she is in a safe place for now....but i do not have blinders on. I hope for a good outcome..but deep down i know this will not be over for a long time if ever. I cleaned her room today with such vengence...as if it would help....i am going to my first alanon meeting tomorow. Thank you all for embracing me..i am glad i found you all.
Diane
Diane
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Welcome Diane, my son 23 yr old son is also a heroin addict with just about 6 months clean. I want to echo Sunday"s child advice about sober living homes. I believe it was the sober living environment that made the difference for my son. He had tried IOP, was in rehab in January and February, cane home and relapsed in just a couple of weeks. He went back into rehab in April but instead of coming home he went to live in a sober living home. I know at any time it could all fall apart but I just take it one day at a time. There are so many members here at SR who are wise and very knowledgeable. They will help you to get through this one day at a time. Hugs from another mom who is sorry you are going through this. Heroin is evil!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Diane,
Congratulations on being able to clean her room. It took me a long time before I could even walk by my son's room without tearing up.
I understand about waiting for her to call...but that is one of the things that will drive you crazy. She is beginning a journey that she needs to walk alone. You can best help her by beginning your own journey to sanity. The AlAnon meeting tomorrow is an excellent start. While you're waiting, you might want to spend some time reading the Stickies at the top of the forum.
There is also AlAnon literature online. Here's a link to some parent-focused articles from The Forum, AlAnon's monthly magazine I am back at Step One
I can't promise you that your daughter will be ok. I can tell you that if you work a program of recovery for yourself, that YOU will be ok. You will stop crying. You will sleep through the night. You will stop flinching when the phone rings. You will think about things other than your daughter's problems. You will be ok, Diane.
Susan
Congratulations on being able to clean her room. It took me a long time before I could even walk by my son's room without tearing up.
I understand about waiting for her to call...but that is one of the things that will drive you crazy. She is beginning a journey that she needs to walk alone. You can best help her by beginning your own journey to sanity. The AlAnon meeting tomorrow is an excellent start. While you're waiting, you might want to spend some time reading the Stickies at the top of the forum.
There is also AlAnon literature online. Here's a link to some parent-focused articles from The Forum, AlAnon's monthly magazine I am back at Step One
I can't promise you that your daughter will be ok. I can tell you that if you work a program of recovery for yourself, that YOU will be ok. You will stop crying. You will sleep through the night. You will stop flinching when the phone rings. You will think about things other than your daughter's problems. You will be ok, Diane.
Susan
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
About phone calls from rehab. My son was pitiful the first three weeks. We trusted the program to do what was best for our son. I did speak to my son's counselor and he assured me all was going as expected. It is a painful experience to detox but necessary. Just don't let your daughter sabotage her rehab by convincing you to rescue her from it. I don't think our son was trying to get out of rehab, but no parent wants their child to suffer. My son wanted to see a doctor but he just had to tough it out. No other way but through it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Hopefortaylor,
I welcome you to SR, but am sorry for what has brought you here. I am the mother of an almost 32 yr old AS who is working on his sobriety.
I encourage you to focus on yourself, good for you for already working on getting to an AlAnon meeting - they are GREAT and will give you plenty of support. Try to go through your "normal" life as much as possible and if you can focus on peace, serenity and turning your daughters life over to her own higher power.
I welcome you to SR, but am sorry for what has brought you here. I am the mother of an almost 32 yr old AS who is working on his sobriety.
I encourage you to focus on yourself, good for you for already working on getting to an AlAnon meeting - they are GREAT and will give you plenty of support. Try to go through your "normal" life as much as possible and if you can focus on peace, serenity and turning your daughters life over to her own higher power.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
She is in the hands of professionals right now.
Let her rest there for awhile , you get to take a breath.
It's one foot in front of the other, it will unravel.
Lot's of twists and turns, are you getting any support for yourself????
Let her rest there for awhile , you get to take a breath.
It's one foot in front of the other, it will unravel.
Lot's of twists and turns, are you getting any support for yourself????
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
My bf's also a heroin addict and recently returned from a 60 day residential treatment program. It's true when everyone says that's really only the beginning. I'm so new to the world of addiction and recovery, so I don't know what advice to give you. Your family, especially you and your daughter, are in my thoughts. Keep us posted on how she does.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kmangel 
Living at home was too comfortable for him.
This was also my experience with my 34-year-old AD. I am no longer a detox, treatment center or sober living facility.
It is possible to love a child to death.
Diane, I am so glad you found us here at SR.
I urge you to find Alanon or Naranon meetings locally and start attending so you can begin your own recovery from the effects your daughter's addiction has had on you.
I would have been in a padded cell by now had it not been for Alanon!
I hope you continue to post, and know there are a lot of us moms here with children in active addiction.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR........you have found a wonderful resource for support and information. Every single person on this forum understands what it is like to love someone addicted to drugs. There are many mothers (and fathers) here who understand the anguish of watching the beautiful human being they raised make poor and dangerous choices.
There is hope. It is possible to find joy again....whether your daughter elects to remain clean or not. Stick around. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Read the books suggested. Ask questions. Reach out for support. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
There is hope. It is possible to find joy again....whether your daughter elects to remain clean or not. Stick around. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Read the books suggested. Ask questions. Reach out for support. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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