learningtofly

I was using my RAH cell phone this morning and found out that he has created an account on SR and has been following all of my activity. He has not made any posts on this site but joined almost a year ago.

I feel very hurt by this. SR was the only place I could go on a daily basis to read, express my feeling and talk out the craziness that is my life.

I have not spoke to him about this yet because he is still sleeping. My most private thoughts and conversations have been exposed. He has read things that were never meant for him. Things that were probably hurtful and things I never would of said to him because they would have been hurtful.

I don't really know what to even say to him. I feel mad that he would invade my privacy and has been for almost a year. I feel hurt and sad.

How would you handle this? Any thoughts?

I feel sick to my stomach . . uuggg this is horrible : (

LoveMeNow

Good Morning Learningtofly ~

I am sorry for the invasion of privacy you are feeling.

I left my laptop open with my SR tab open,. I thought my husband may have looked at it too. I never said a word and either did he.

I had invaded his privacy so many times and now I may have been on the receiving end of it. It made me really think about my own actions!

If you feel the need, maybe you could sit down and talk to him about it but I would suggest you wait until your not so mad about it.

laurie6781

I am just curious, but how would he know "learningtofly" was you unless you
told him your handle on here?

Also, he may be reading the threads and 'stickys' in the Alcohol forums and
the 'newcomer' forums, since you are calling him an RAH (Recovering Alcoholic
Husband).

Please calm down and think about this before you 'talk' with him.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Ann

I agree that he may not know which member you are, we are one of the largest and most active recovery sites and anyone looking or googling would be bound to come up with us among the first.

If he does know and has been snooping, that might be another issue.

Hope you two can work this out.

Hugs

learningtofly

He must of been looking at the computer history or I left my SR page open one day. What I saw on his phone was the history of him reading my last post.

I know he was snooping. There was no other pages from SR in his history.

I have tried to get him involved in SR along time ago but he was never interested. I believe the only reason he was on SR is to snoop.

SSHope

Maybe reading your posts will give him insight to how his actions impact you. Maybe the responses from other members to your posts have also helped him in some way. Even if it is as simple as "planting a seed." Is it possible for you to register again with a new handle? Just a thought.

mstrust

there have actually been times when i hoped my ex WOULD read what i've been writing on here...in addition to what other people are saying. i've even told him how beneficial the site is and that there are people 'just like him' posting and maybe it would help him to get the viewpoints. i know it feels like a violation, but maybe some aspect of it is positive. just my two cents...which are worth about that...two cents.

mfanch

Sounds like his problem. My dh used to snoop in my account/stuff and UNTIL he worked on himself and worked the steps in AA, he couldn't NOT snoop. I didn't hurt him, he hurt himself by snooping. Not my side of the street. I need to take care of myself and SR is a big part of that.

He no longer feels the need to snoop and we can now talk about that stuff.

It can get better.

lightseeker

I agree with contacting a mod and having things changed. Then, in the future do what you need to do to protect your privacy.

As for what he has read....it is what it is. Obviously, it hasn't been significant enough for him to address anything with you up until now at least. If you have pored your heart out and there is "no comment" from him and there have not been any changes then what is that saying?

My ex read some of my posts throughout our time together but made fun of me and then quit reading. My heartfelt posts obviously had no impact on him - other than another something something for him to ridicule, dismiss, and ignore.

Maybe this will lead to the opportunity to discuss your feelings with him - and then to take his responses into account. I've found that starting a conversation with curiosity vs. an accusation is usually better and so....there are many times I have to wait to bring things up.

learningtofly

Thank u for all of ur posts. I am still very bothered by this. I'm not sure how I want to address it so I haven't said anything yet. I am taking my time and sorting out my feelings instead of having a knee jerk reaction.
We have talked in marriage counseling about him going through my stuff before and the counselor told him that if he felt the need to snoop than he should come to me and talk to me about why he was feeling that way. If after talking to me if he still felt the need to look at my phone or email or whatever than he should ask me. So we have talked about this before. Uuuggg I feel very invaded and aggravated that he would still be doing this after all this time.

I also feel like I have lost a safe place place. Even if I change my screen name all he would have to do is look up the title of one of my posts and then he would know my new screen name. I think I would have to create a whole new account : (

LoveMeNow

In my case, although I wasn't sure if he actually read anything, at first I was still reluctant to post. Then I thought "I don't care. I have nothing to hide. It's all the truth and I am sure I have said it all to him anyway."

But I do understand your feelings of your privacy be violated, as you have discussed this already with him. Thank you for sharing your feelings about this, it is a reminder of some of the awful things I have done as well.

laura802

I would be throlled if i found out my husbamd was tracking my posts. It sounds to me that he wants to know how you're doing and how you're feeling. Yes he should just ask but that seems like a pretty impossible conversation for a recovering addict to have. I wonder if the part of the brain that contains emotions is next to the addiction location sometimes.

YearForMe

The very best thing in the world you can do is to own it.
They are your thoughts and feelings...right? They weren't lies were they?

You have nothing to hide and you have nothing to explain.
Forget about it.
Forget about him snooping.

He's hiding the fact that he is snooping. And you are only as sick as your secrets.... and why is he snooping? That's the real thing here.....

Peaches2012

I was using my RAH cell phone this morning and found out that he has created an account on SR and has been following all of my activity. He has not made any posts on this site but joined almost a year ago.

Not trying to be rude ,you found this out by snooping through his phone is that not the same thing ?

learningtofly

You are right the bigger issue is why is he snooping and why does he feel the need to snoop instead of talking to me. I think he still struggles with communication.

I was on his phone BC mine was dead. I went to view a website and it wouldn't load correctly so I hit the back arrow and it went to the last page he viewed which was SR. I was not snooping.

I'm not sure how I will handle my account at this point. It sucks I have to be dealing with this. Gggrrrr

learningtofly

I spoke to RAH last night. He said he started looking at my SR account a year ago when things were really bad between us and that my posts gave him a way to see what was going on with me. He said it was like a "heads up" as to what I was thinking and feeling.

I told him I felt violated and I was upset that he wouldn't come and talk to me to find out how I was feeling instead of feeling like he would rather snoop than actually TALK TO ME.

I brought up what our therapist told him to do when he felt like snooping. He said he didn't remember what she said.

He said he tried stopping in the past but he still continued to read it even though he knew it wasn't right.

I feel disappointed that he can't talk to me and that he would rather check in on a website to see how I'm feeling then to just ask me. It seems like a cop out . . . it seems to me like an easy way to know what’s going on without having to participate.

This is a big eye opener to me to show just how disconnected we still are and how much work we still have. I'm feeling REALLY discouraged!

lesliej

just to offer insight from a different perspective...

I have to admit that if I knew a place where I could get the inside perspective on what someone I loved was really thinking/feeling I would go there too. I still occasionally...okay, pretty much daily, look at the facebook page of my exABF, I also look on a recovery site that we are both a part of and check to see if he has written a post.

If I was perfect in my skills at recovery then I would simply not feel the need to look. If I was still in relationship with him I would look if I were able...

I just have to say that maybe what you were writing here is not something you were expressing to him? In the matter of transparency...is there something you were writing here that you did not want to say to him (or for him to read...) and therefore you were writing it here (and he was reading it here) rather than the two of you talking about it? If you were writing it here but not talking to him about it...isn't that kind of what you are disappointed in him for??

I realize that this post may get reactions. I really just want to put out there that we all have weaknesses and imperfections...and if I could have gained some insight from reading my ex's posts on a site such as this I would have done it.

I guess if I were you I would just try to stay in the moment with it...what is the solution oriented direction now that this discovery has been made??!! Can you go back together and talk about your posts...since they are all open now? Can you use this conflict as material to grow from...instead of as more fuel for resentment?

Hard...I know...but I guess where you go from here is all about finding clarity in your intention.