what I've learned so far as a wife of an addict
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 19
what I've learned so far as a wife of an addict
It was January when I first found out my husband and the father of my 4 kids was addicted to pain killers. In June things really started getting out hand. On August 8th he entered a detox program. We're about to reach the two months sober mark, but it seems like it has been years! So this is what I have learned already.
Detox is not the end of a problem, addicts that go to detox do not come back happy and sane. They come back ashamed, irrational, delusional and depressed. Moodiness does not describe.
30 day in house is a good idea! If you're like me and coulen't afford such a thing prepare yourself for the worst. Because it is a roller coaster.
Be honest with your kids right away but check your emotions. Seriously I am the proudest mother in the world. My kids (ages 13, 12, 8, and 5) have been such an inspiration. They have been open minded, compassionate, kind. But they have also discussed their anger, hurt, and confusion openly. I never knew just how secure and emotionally mature my kids were.
The biggest mistake I made with my kids is I waited 3 days to tell them what exactly was going on. I thought I needed time to figure out what to say. But instead I unintentionally gave my oldest son a reason not to trust me. So I told him more truth: it wasn't fair to him I waited and I won't do it again and I made a mistake. That's it. He appreciated only the truth, no excuses.
Addiction causes brain damage. Do not get sucked into conversations that last days and nothing is said. If my husband wants to talk, I make sure I am knitting or something. That way when it takes him 10 minutes to respond to something, my hands are too busy to straggle him AND at the end, I have something to show for mytime.
Trust is something to be examined. I think anyone reading this can agree that the realization you can not trust your partner is enough to put you in an all out panic. But it also gives an opportunity. What specific issues does this bring up? How much are you relying on someone else? I found that my answer was I was relying alittle too much.
Manipulation. I read this in a book: you say something outloud when it needs to be said for you. You do not say something outloud for someone else. This means you do not say something to try to get another person to react or take action or feel a certain way. This is interesting. This means to me that anytime I say something looking for a certain response or to try and have that person feel a certain way, I may be manipulating them. So when my husband speaks I think about that. I listen not to what he's saying first, but WHY he is saying it. To hurt me? To try to smooth things over? Because he wants something? If any of those are my answers I'm not interested in what he has to say and I can then state I would like to talk to him when he is talking for himself, NOT talking for me.
Have a backup plan. I set the boundry that my husband would not be disrespectful to me if he was going to live here. I don't care if it's two in the morning. He has spent quite a few nights in his parents basement, but I'm seeing that number go down. My five year old son calls it "Daddy's time out." And he said to me it's kind of nice to know he's not the only one that gets in trouble sometimes.
Locks don't work. If you take medicine yourself don't bother. If an addict wants drugs, they will get them. I wonder if a lock actually encourages as it can be seen as a challenge? Who knows.
Don't tell other people about what you're going through with any expectations (remember speak for you, not for someone,s reaction). Honestly if we can't understand this disease, if our addict can not understand this disease, why would we expect someone on the outsid eto understand?
Detox is not the end of a problem, addicts that go to detox do not come back happy and sane. They come back ashamed, irrational, delusional and depressed. Moodiness does not describe.
30 day in house is a good idea! If you're like me and coulen't afford such a thing prepare yourself for the worst. Because it is a roller coaster.
Be honest with your kids right away but check your emotions. Seriously I am the proudest mother in the world. My kids (ages 13, 12, 8, and 5) have been such an inspiration. They have been open minded, compassionate, kind. But they have also discussed their anger, hurt, and confusion openly. I never knew just how secure and emotionally mature my kids were.
The biggest mistake I made with my kids is I waited 3 days to tell them what exactly was going on. I thought I needed time to figure out what to say. But instead I unintentionally gave my oldest son a reason not to trust me. So I told him more truth: it wasn't fair to him I waited and I won't do it again and I made a mistake. That's it. He appreciated only the truth, no excuses.
Addiction causes brain damage. Do not get sucked into conversations that last days and nothing is said. If my husband wants to talk, I make sure I am knitting or something. That way when it takes him 10 minutes to respond to something, my hands are too busy to straggle him AND at the end, I have something to show for mytime.
Trust is something to be examined. I think anyone reading this can agree that the realization you can not trust your partner is enough to put you in an all out panic. But it also gives an opportunity. What specific issues does this bring up? How much are you relying on someone else? I found that my answer was I was relying alittle too much.
Manipulation. I read this in a book: you say something outloud when it needs to be said for you. You do not say something outloud for someone else. This means you do not say something to try to get another person to react or take action or feel a certain way. This is interesting. This means to me that anytime I say something looking for a certain response or to try and have that person feel a certain way, I may be manipulating them. So when my husband speaks I think about that. I listen not to what he's saying first, but WHY he is saying it. To hurt me? To try to smooth things over? Because he wants something? If any of those are my answers I'm not interested in what he has to say and I can then state I would like to talk to him when he is talking for himself, NOT talking for me.
Have a backup plan. I set the boundry that my husband would not be disrespectful to me if he was going to live here. I don't care if it's two in the morning. He has spent quite a few nights in his parents basement, but I'm seeing that number go down. My five year old son calls it "Daddy's time out." And he said to me it's kind of nice to know he's not the only one that gets in trouble sometimes.
Locks don't work. If you take medicine yourself don't bother. If an addict wants drugs, they will get them. I wonder if a lock actually encourages as it can be seen as a challenge? Who knows.
Don't tell other people about what you're going through with any expectations (remember speak for you, not for someone,s reaction). Honestly if we can't understand this disease, if our addict can not understand this disease, why would we expect someone on the outsid eto understand?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 19
If you believe we all have a life lesson or a path our soul is supposed to take, take some time and read about it. It's amazing to turn things around and find something constructive. But I think it is definitely possible here. I know one of my lif lessons is patience. And opportunities to learn and practice patience are EVERYWHERE right now. So I'm grateful for those opportunities.
And speaking of grateful, stop and remember those things you are grateful for many timesa day. I'm grateful for so much, I have so much. My four beautiful children of course are at the top of the list! So if enduring this struggle is part of the life that includes them, I'll take the bad with the good.
And make sure to get your own life. Are you a stay at home mom? Are you short on time? Isolated? Find yourself a few text buddies. Go out of your way to talk to the other mom's when you drop the kids off at school. Attend the online nar anon meetings, attend the oine NA meetings! And remember if you take a couple hours a week to get out for yourself, the other 166 hours will be twice as productive!
And lastly, be the person you want to be. Don't let ANYONE drag you down to their level. Walk away and do what you can to get through life with a little pride and dignity. Because the worst is when you can't believe you did/said/didn't do. Nobody can take you away from yourself. Nobody "makes" you act the way you do. No matter how extreme, we always have our free will.
Oops, one more. I wrote the letters OPP on my hands in permanent marker every day for a week. The thought was to spend one week doing the opposite of what I would normally do, say the opposite of what I wod normally say but still maintain who I am. Everyone should try this, it really opened my eyes.
So I wrote this speaking for me. Please remember that and please remember every addict is different, just as every family is different. I'm simply sharing the things I have personally learned on this crazy ride.
And speaking of grateful, stop and remember those things you are grateful for many timesa day. I'm grateful for so much, I have so much. My four beautiful children of course are at the top of the list! So if enduring this struggle is part of the life that includes them, I'll take the bad with the good.
And make sure to get your own life. Are you a stay at home mom? Are you short on time? Isolated? Find yourself a few text buddies. Go out of your way to talk to the other mom's when you drop the kids off at school. Attend the online nar anon meetings, attend the oine NA meetings! And remember if you take a couple hours a week to get out for yourself, the other 166 hours will be twice as productive!
And lastly, be the person you want to be. Don't let ANYONE drag you down to their level. Walk away and do what you can to get through life with a little pride and dignity. Because the worst is when you can't believe you did/said/didn't do. Nobody can take you away from yourself. Nobody "makes" you act the way you do. No matter how extreme, we always have our free will.
Oops, one more. I wrote the letters OPP on my hands in permanent marker every day for a week. The thought was to spend one week doing the opposite of what I would normally do, say the opposite of what I wod normally say but still maintain who I am. Everyone should try this, it really opened my eyes.
So I wrote this speaking for me. Please remember that and please remember every addict is different, just as every family is different. I'm simply sharing the things I have personally learned on this crazy ride.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 19
I forgot one! Never ever ever think you have any basis on figuring out what tomorrow will be like. Living with a recovering addict there is no way to ever tell. I remembered this one this morning when my husband stormed out and walked 30 miles to a homeless shelter. Maybe that(s supposed to make me feel bad? I don't know, all I feel is grateful for a night of peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by laura802 
I forgot one! Never ever ever think you have any basis on figuring out what tomorrow will be like. Living with a recovering addict there is no way to ever tell. I remembered this one this morning when my husband stormed out and walked 30 miles to a homeless shelter. Maybe that(s supposed to make me feel bad? I don't know, all I feel is grateful for a night of peace.
Im glad my AH is recovering 1800 miles away. The contact i have had to endure has been enough of a rollercoaster ride.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 19
No, some things do become comical - at least all you can do is laugh. People have always shocked me, but this is way more than I could have ever comprehended a person behaving like.
It's strange, for so long my heart was racing all the time. Then last week out of nowhere this calmness settled over me. I can breathe. I don't even know what happened. But I'm grateful for it!
It's strange, for so long my heart was racing all the time. Then last week out of nowhere this calmness settled over me. I can breathe. I don't even know what happened. But I'm grateful for it!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by laura802
Well, my husband voluntarily checked himself into a 28 day program today. Every single day shocks me in ways I could never imagine. Hopefully this is a good shock.
I will keep you all in my prayers!
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