estate plan update - talked w/AS
 

I feel so good about what just happened, I wanted to let you guys know!

In a post in my original thread, I wondered whether talking with my AS about how I felt about leaving him money and hearing what he had to say might give me some clarity about what to do. That is exactly what has happened, but not in the way I initially planned it.

Initially, I planned to "be truthful" and tell him I didn't want to enable his addiction after my death any more than I want to enable it now.

Fortunately, God intervened before I implemented that plan, in the person of my best friend, who had suggested the "wait til he's 55" approach that many of you also suggested.

My friend pointed out that it would be just as truthful to say that retirement looked to me like the time he could best use that money--that as a single person, I myself was experiencing how hard it is to provide for my own future. And that right now, he's able to make his own way in the world, living a life in which he doesn't need much money. And that I hoped when he's 60 and I'm long dead, his first thought when he gets that first check will be, "My mom really loved me."

When I told him this, I imagined him rolling his eyes on the other end of the phone line. And he said he really didn't care whether or when he got the money, that he wasn't expecting to be alive at 60 and in fact, hoped he wouldn't be. (Sad, isn't it?)

The point is that my subtext was "I love you and believe you'll be around to a ripe old age to appreciate this money." That communication came from a different place in me than "I don't want to enable your addiction."

I still plan to talk to my atty to make sure that's the best option, but now feel a sense of peace that if delaying distribution is what I end up doing, I am not springing it on my AS as a done deal, that I gave him a chance to let me know how he felt about it and that I used that chance to communicate that I believe in him.

I think of this in the NA blue booklet: "Give others credit even as all of us struggle; give them credit for attempts at progress, even if their changes are not apparent . . . ."

"And he said he really didn't care whether or when he got the money, that he wasn't expecting to be alive at 60 and in fact, hoped he wouldn't be. (Sad, isn't it?)"

NoGround, this breaks my heart. I am so sorry. I can not imagine the pain that you must feel. As a parent of an addict, I have spent many sleepless nights, but through it all knew my daughter still planned for her future. Her continued interest in her own future kept me hopeful. The thought of her not having that optimism, makes my heart drop.

I hope you save your money for your own retirement and focus on enjoying yourself during those years. You deserve a nice trip away from all of this.

AndreaB,

As good as I felt about what I said to him yesterday, I wish I had said just one more thing: "Fine Boy [what I have called him from childhood], I hear the despair in your voice."

Thank you for your compassionate words. Yes, my heart breaks for my child. I know I am not alone in that here.