Had no idea he was an addict, so upset. Advice desperately needed.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Had no idea he was an addict, so upset. Advice desperately needed.
Hi there everyone. I'm going to tell you the story of how my world got turned upside down yesterday, in hopes that someone can give me some feedback or help me figure out where to go from here.
My boyfriend is a heroin addict. And I truly had no idea. Looking back the signs were in front of my face, it's almost funny how much I was able to look over. I even found needles in his room and he convinced me they were his brothers. I believed every single lie I've been fed for the past 4 months or so.
It probably seems ridiculous that I didn't know, and it is ridiculous. I thought he smoked weed occasionally. I have never done any sort of drug myself, not even smoked, so it's always been a point of contention for us. I adopted a don't ask, don't tell mentality about it (assuming I was only dealing with weed). We haven't really gotten to talk since Wednesday. He told me he was in a different state helping his grandma with her job (which made sense) but he's been in detox. Yesterday his mom sat me down and told me the truth. He was going to try to keep this from me and thought he could be out in a few days.
Right now, I'm angry and scared. I miss him, but I can't even begin to tell you the amount of lies that were fed to me. About people, jobs, whereabouts. I don't know a lot about drugs or addiction, admittedly, but this tangle of lies was so incredibly deep that I feel like I've been living a lie for the past few months. He was in my home, and we have a lot of drugs here as my mom is currently going through treatment for stage III cancer. It makes me so sick. We had a conversation this week about how his brother was a meth addict and it was a lie. It was him. He told me specific times he was at work, but he never had the job.
Here's where I'm stuck, and I need your help. His mom is the one that told me where he really was and what was going on. She has never explicitly said it, but is making me feel like she wants me to give him hope that we have a chance if he goes through treatment. And I decided last night that there is no way I can do this. I love him and it's going to take me a lot of time and therapy to be able to get over this, but I can't let him back in. Is this selfish of me? I feel like people will think it is. He is trying to call me from the facility, and we talked on Thursday night (me not knowing where he is) and there were more lies to cover the lies. He tried to call me last night, and left a voicemail. I didn't answer and deleted the voicemail before listening to it. I know he will continue trying to call. Do I answer? I don't think I can. But I don't want him to leave treatment and show up at my door step.
I know this is long, but I'm begging anyone to help me out here. I feel so alone and hurt and angry and afraid. I'm only 20 years old so is he. We've been together for 3 and a half years. I seriously saw myself marrying this guy. I just don't know what to do right now, as far as contact with him, and just...how to feel, you know? I'm calling a therapist for myself as soon as the weekend is over.
My boyfriend is a heroin addict. And I truly had no idea. Looking back the signs were in front of my face, it's almost funny how much I was able to look over. I even found needles in his room and he convinced me they were his brothers. I believed every single lie I've been fed for the past 4 months or so.
It probably seems ridiculous that I didn't know, and it is ridiculous. I thought he smoked weed occasionally. I have never done any sort of drug myself, not even smoked, so it's always been a point of contention for us. I adopted a don't ask, don't tell mentality about it (assuming I was only dealing with weed). We haven't really gotten to talk since Wednesday. He told me he was in a different state helping his grandma with her job (which made sense) but he's been in detox. Yesterday his mom sat me down and told me the truth. He was going to try to keep this from me and thought he could be out in a few days.
Right now, I'm angry and scared. I miss him, but I can't even begin to tell you the amount of lies that were fed to me. About people, jobs, whereabouts. I don't know a lot about drugs or addiction, admittedly, but this tangle of lies was so incredibly deep that I feel like I've been living a lie for the past few months. He was in my home, and we have a lot of drugs here as my mom is currently going through treatment for stage III cancer. It makes me so sick. We had a conversation this week about how his brother was a meth addict and it was a lie. It was him. He told me specific times he was at work, but he never had the job.
Here's where I'm stuck, and I need your help. His mom is the one that told me where he really was and what was going on. She has never explicitly said it, but is making me feel like she wants me to give him hope that we have a chance if he goes through treatment. And I decided last night that there is no way I can do this. I love him and it's going to take me a lot of time and therapy to be able to get over this, but I can't let him back in. Is this selfish of me? I feel like people will think it is. He is trying to call me from the facility, and we talked on Thursday night (me not knowing where he is) and there were more lies to cover the lies. He tried to call me last night, and left a voicemail. I didn't answer and deleted the voicemail before listening to it. I know he will continue trying to call. Do I answer? I don't think I can. But I don't want him to leave treatment and show up at my door step.
I know this is long, but I'm begging anyone to help me out here. I feel so alone and hurt and angry and afraid. I'm only 20 years old so is he. We've been together for 3 and a half years. I seriously saw myself marrying this guy. I just don't know what to do right now, as far as contact with him, and just...how to feel, you know? I'm calling a therapist for myself as soon as the weekend is over.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome. Your "boyfriend" has a long road ahead of him if he TRULY chooses to recover from his addiction. And he can't be trusted - obviously. I wouldn't waste my time listening to the lies of a guy that's detoxing off heroin. He's been lying to you and manipulating you for a long time. A break for at least few days would be a good thing - a good chance for you to get your head on straight and recover from the shock of everything you've been through. You are not responsible for his choices - good or bad.
He'll be fine. Hard as it is, space is what he needs from you right now - space to focus on himself. Give it some time before you jump into his problems (not that I recommend that AT ALL but that's what usually seems to happen). If he's focused on you and not his recovery, it's not a good indication for his future chances at staying clean.
He'll be fine. Hard as it is, space is what he needs from you right now - space to focus on himself. Give it some time before you jump into his problems (not that I recommend that AT ALL but that's what usually seems to happen). If he's focused on you and not his recovery, it's not a good indication for his future chances at staying clean.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
(((lillygirl)))
It is ok, it's actually good, for you to take care of yourself. I hung on forever (and still am somewhat) because I didn't want people think I'm selfish. But I know I'm not and that's all that matters.
It's not safe or healthy to be in a relationship with an addict. It is very unfair of his family to imply that you can convince him to get better with the promise of your love or future relationship.
You can not love him sober.
My advice to you is to detach completely. It will be hard but it can be done with love. Take some time to work through your feelings and be kind to yourself.
IMO it was selfish of him to lie to you all this time
It is ok, it's actually good, for you to take care of yourself. I hung on forever (and still am somewhat) because I didn't want people think I'm selfish. But I know I'm not and that's all that matters.
It's not safe or healthy to be in a relationship with an addict. It is very unfair of his family to imply that you can convince him to get better with the promise of your love or future relationship.
You can not love him sober.
My advice to you is to detach completely. It will be hard but it can be done with love. Take some time to work through your feelings and be kind to yourself.
IMO it was selfish of him to lie to you all this time
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
" I don't do romantic relationships with liars, cheaters and/or thiefs" is a sound boundary and demonstrates healthy self esteem on the part of the boundary setter.
There is nothing you can say or do to keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
He has been and will continue to live his life as he s chooses to do.
Letting go of the hopeful fantasy of the guy you thought he was is going to take time. Getting some professional help make sense.
There is nothing you can say or do to keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
He has been and will continue to live his life as he s chooses to do.
Letting go of the hopeful fantasy of the guy you thought he was is going to take time. Getting some professional help make sense.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by cynical one 
I am so in awe of the healthy boundaries that you have and your willingness to follow through on them.
You say you can’t do this, good for you, don’t do this.
You think you’ve been living a lie, you have been, and you recognize that this in unacceptable behavior.
And, no it is not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s the sign of a healthy self-esteem.
This will take you time to process and work through. As long as you don’t pick up that phone, or think you can help, or even be a support system. I guarantee you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg as far as the lies, deceit and inconsistencies go.
Along with your therapist, just to be safe please also go to your family doctor and get checked for all STD’s, Hep, and HIV. Since you found needles, that increases his chances of contracting something.
You say you can’t do this, good for you, don’t do this.
You think you’ve been living a lie, you have been, and you recognize that this in unacceptable behavior.
And, no it is not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s the sign of a healthy self-esteem.
This will take you time to process and work through. As long as you don’t pick up that phone, or think you can help, or even be a support system. I guarantee you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg as far as the lies, deceit and inconsistencies go.
Along with your therapist, just to be safe please also go to your family doctor and get checked for all STD’s, Hep, and HIV. Since you found needles, that increases his chances of contracting something.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Oh, you sound so mentally grounded. I am in great admiration of you, and you are so young. I was such a flower in the wind when I was 20, easily manipulated, unable to discern when someone was using me or lying to me, unable to see other people clearly (especially the troubled young men who loved to lay their sickness at my feet). How I do admire your good mental health.
But I will say this: no matter how strongly grounded one's thinking and values and behaviors are in reality and in sanity, no matter how healthy a person is, if she becomes involved with a drug addict for any significant amount of time, her mind will begin to come apart. Her mind will come apart, her personality will change, and she will live a life of lies and secrets. Does this sound like a description of an active addict? Yes. It is also a description of the codependent partner who gets eaten up by an addict's insanity and abuse.
You are making the right choice to end the relationship. There can be no real growth and intimacy in a relationship with an active drug addict nor with an addict in the first year of recovery. He is too sick.
In desperation, his mother may want to use you as a false symbol of salvation for her son. You are not. His problem is inside him, and he needs tremendous help and focus on inside work, and you would be not only a distraction from that, but also an illusion. An illusion of emotional connection which is impossible. And one thing no one needs in these scenarios are more illusions.
You can simply wish him well in his journey to health and return to the growing of your own life and your involvement with your family which has been under great stress. His addiction is not his fault but it is his responsibility to seek treatment and recovery work. His mother's anguish is her own, and she will be responsible for dealing with that. There is an abundance of help available to them both.
We are glad you posted.
But I will say this: no matter how strongly grounded one's thinking and values and behaviors are in reality and in sanity, no matter how healthy a person is, if she becomes involved with a drug addict for any significant amount of time, her mind will begin to come apart. Her mind will come apart, her personality will change, and she will live a life of lies and secrets. Does this sound like a description of an active addict? Yes. It is also a description of the codependent partner who gets eaten up by an addict's insanity and abuse.
You are making the right choice to end the relationship. There can be no real growth and intimacy in a relationship with an active drug addict nor with an addict in the first year of recovery. He is too sick.
In desperation, his mother may want to use you as a false symbol of salvation for her son. You are not. His problem is inside him, and he needs tremendous help and focus on inside work, and you would be not only a distraction from that, but also an illusion. An illusion of emotional connection which is impossible. And one thing no one needs in these scenarios are more illusions.
You can simply wish him well in his journey to health and return to the growing of your own life and your involvement with your family which has been under great stress. His addiction is not his fault but it is his responsibility to seek treatment and recovery work. His mother's anguish is her own, and she will be responsible for dealing with that. There is an abundance of help available to them both.
We are glad you posted.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Oh, you sound so mentally grounded. I am in great admiration of you, and you are so young. I was such a flower in the wind when I was 20, easily manipulated, unable to discern when someone was using me or lying to me, unable to see other people clearly (especially the troubled young men who loved to lay their sickness at my feet). How I do admire your good mental health.
But I will say this: no matter how strongly grounded one's thinking and values and behaviors are in reality and in sanity, no matter how healthy a person is, if she becomes involved with a drug addict for any significant amount of time, her mind will begin to come apart. Her mind will come apart, her personality will change, and she will live a life of lies and secrets. Does this sound like a description of an active addict? Yes. It is also a description of the codependent partner who gets eaten up by an addict's insanity and abuse.
You are making the right choice to end the relationship. There can be no real growth and intimacy in a relationship with an active drug addict nor with an addict in the first year of recovery. He is too sick.
In desperation, his mother may want to use you as a false symbol of salvation for her son. You are not. His problem is inside him, and he needs tremendous help and focus on inside work, and you would be not only a distraction from that, but also an illusion. An illusion of emotional connection which is impossible. And one thing no one needs in these scenarios are more illusions.
You can simply wish him well in his journey to health and return to the growing of your own life and your involvement with your family which has been under great stress. His addiction is not his fault but it is his responsibility to seek treatment and recovery work. His mother's anguish is her own, and she will be responsible for dealing with that. There is an abundance of help available to them both.
We are glad you posted.
But I will say this: no matter how strongly grounded one's thinking and values and behaviors are in reality and in sanity, no matter how healthy a person is, if she becomes involved with a drug addict for any significant amount of time, her mind will begin to come apart. Her mind will come apart, her personality will change, and she will live a life of lies and secrets. Does this sound like a description of an active addict? Yes. It is also a description of the codependent partner who gets eaten up by an addict's insanity and abuse.
You are making the right choice to end the relationship. There can be no real growth and intimacy in a relationship with an active drug addict nor with an addict in the first year of recovery. He is too sick.
In desperation, his mother may want to use you as a false symbol of salvation for her son. You are not. His problem is inside him, and he needs tremendous help and focus on inside work, and you would be not only a distraction from that, but also an illusion. An illusion of emotional connection which is impossible. And one thing no one needs in these scenarios are more illusions.
You can simply wish him well in his journey to health and return to the growing of your own life and your involvement with your family which has been under great stress. His addiction is not his fault but it is his responsibility to seek treatment and recovery work. His mother's anguish is her own, and she will be responsible for dealing with that. There is an abundance of help available to them both.
We are glad you posted.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
I have little more to offer that hasn't already been said but I wanted to drop in here to say that I am very impressed with your maturity and sense of self. I love seeing a grounded and emotionally healthy young person making healthy and grounded decisions!
Hang in there - you and your therapist can work through this transition and sadness but I see you coming out the other side shining and strong.
Thank you for making my day; you're amazing!!
Hang in there - you and your therapist can work through this transition and sadness but I see you coming out the other side shining and strong.
Thank you for making my day; you're amazing!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
i also have to agree with everyone...i was shocked to read you're only 20. you have your head on straight and englishgarden is spot on saying that no matter how together you are, a relationship with an active addict will unravel you. when my ex and i started seeing each other, i thought i was in a healthy spot in my life. i thought i had learned my lessons from past awful relationships. i thought i had done the work and could handle taking care of myself while being a partner to someone else. i managed it, too. for awhile. then i came apart slowly but surely and have gotten to a point where i'm now struggling to start over. i'm 38.
my ex continues to tell me that i can't give him the help he needs, he calls me "beyond selfish" and tells me i have no empathy for him and i don't understand anything. (this despite the fact that i've spent WAY TOO MUCH time trying to understand every single thing i could about addiction and him and opiates, etc.) my needs, my feelings, my thoughts have turned into meaningless drivel to him. it is all about HIM. all the way. because that is what addiction does to people.
you are obviously a very intelligent, mature, healthy person. to set your boundaries like you have is soooo important and it's what is most difficult for many of us. you were lied to...and you have no idea how many times or what the truth is. how could you? don't let yourself be convinced it's your job to fix him or that YOU can. don't let other people's toxic or misguided viewpoints infect yours. i envy you...you have a chance to put this behind you starting now and start your life over with someone who is clean and honest and will give YOU the love you deserve. the longer you put up with lies, the harder it will be to trust the next person. or yourself.
you are amazing...and you totally rock! hang in there, it gets easier.
my ex continues to tell me that i can't give him the help he needs, he calls me "beyond selfish" and tells me i have no empathy for him and i don't understand anything. (this despite the fact that i've spent WAY TOO MUCH time trying to understand every single thing i could about addiction and him and opiates, etc.) my needs, my feelings, my thoughts have turned into meaningless drivel to him. it is all about HIM. all the way. because that is what addiction does to people.
you are obviously a very intelligent, mature, healthy person. to set your boundaries like you have is soooo important and it's what is most difficult for many of us. you were lied to...and you have no idea how many times or what the truth is. how could you? don't let yourself be convinced it's your job to fix him or that YOU can. don't let other people's toxic or misguided viewpoints infect yours. i envy you...you have a chance to put this behind you starting now and start your life over with someone who is clean and honest and will give YOU the love you deserve. the longer you put up with lies, the harder it will be to trust the next person. or yourself.
you are amazing...and you totally rock! hang in there, it gets easier.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
You've gotten lots of great advice and you are absolutely doing the right thing. It's wonderful that you know your boundaries and are sticking with them. Of course you'll be sad as you mourn this relationship and that won't be easy, but in the long run you'll be happier.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
It sounds like you know what needs to be done. You are not selfish to say you are done being in a relationship with an addict. Your staying will not make him quit. Your leaving will not make him keep using. He is using in spite of your actions. This is not about you. You can't make his choices. You can choose not to witness further.
Stick around, there is good advice and lots of people whose stories are similar to yours. You are smart to seek therapy. Set some long and short term goals for your future, ones that have nothing to do with him. Write them down, write down positive steps to achieving them. This will remind you that there is a life that continues to be worth living and the future is positive.
Stick around, there is good advice and lots of people whose stories are similar to yours. You are smart to seek therapy. Set some long and short term goals for your future, ones that have nothing to do with him. Write them down, write down positive steps to achieving them. This will remind you that there is a life that continues to be worth living and the future is positive.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
The advice you received is spot on. You are not being selfish. You're finding a way to keep yourself strong and healthy. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Embrace the world. There is nothing you can do to stop or control his addiction. It will destroy you. It is not selfish to detach with love to save yourself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
You are a very mature young lady. Your instincts are spot-on: this is not a healthy relationship for you.
Please don't let his mother manipulate you. She is a desperate woman who will do almost anything to save her son - I understand, I've been in her shoes. She is not healthy right now, and the fact that she wants you to serve as motivation for her son to want to get clean is evidence of her misguided thinking. Whether he chooses rehab or not has nothing to do with whether you stay or go. If he leaves rehab because you end the relationship, he does not want to get clean.
Best of luck to you- keep those boundaries of yours in place.
Please don't let his mother manipulate you. She is a desperate woman who will do almost anything to save her son - I understand, I've been in her shoes. She is not healthy right now, and the fact that she wants you to serve as motivation for her son to want to get clean is evidence of her misguided thinking. Whether he chooses rehab or not has nothing to do with whether you stay or go. If he leaves rehab because you end the relationship, he does not want to get clean.
Best of luck to you- keep those boundaries of yours in place.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
lillygirl, trust yourself in this one.
His mother is heartsick as are all of us with addicted children. I too clung to the illusion that my son would be "better" if he could somehow maintain even a long distance relationship with his wife and little daughter.
In hindsight, that illusion kept me from accepting that my son was an addict. For some reason, I thought love could save him. If my love couldn't, hers could.
It's a normal mother thing to feel like this until we wake up to the reality that we can't save them. We can help them help themselves, but only they can want to be clean and sober.
So, don't worry about any guilt you feel his mother may be putting on you. That is her issue to deal with.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
His mother is heartsick as are all of us with addicted children. I too clung to the illusion that my son would be "better" if he could somehow maintain even a long distance relationship with his wife and little daughter.
In hindsight, that illusion kept me from accepting that my son was an addict. For some reason, I thought love could save him. If my love couldn't, hers could.
It's a normal mother thing to feel like this until we wake up to the reality that we can't save them. We can help them help themselves, but only they can want to be clean and sober.
So, don't worry about any guilt you feel his mother may be putting on you. That is her issue to deal with.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
You have received some very sound words of wisdom. You remind me so much of my brother's college girlfriend. After 2 years together she left my brother because he was an addict. She loved him very much and he loved her. Unfortunately, his addiction took priority over everything else in his life. He is 37 years old now, and still an addict. That college girlfriend made the best decision she may ever make in her life. God bless and good luck!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Such wisdom for a 20 year old, and good boundaries, too! Cry as much as you like, get it ALL out, and it will be easier to move on. I can't imagine ever being able to trust someone who lied so much for so long, so you are smart to end it now.
Keep reading here, too, for as long as you need to. Many of us will always be here to support your decisions to care first for yourself, and if you ever feel weak, folks here will keep you strong.
Sorry to hear about your mother's battle with cancer. I will keep you both in my prayers.
Keep reading here, too, for as long as you need to. Many of us will always be here to support your decisions to care first for yourself, and if you ever feel weak, folks here will keep you strong.
Sorry to hear about your mother's battle with cancer. I will keep you both in my prayers.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Lillygirl, I am sorry your having a bad day you can do this your post show me how strong you are how I wish I had been that way when your age.
We all will walk with you here there will be bad days and usually in the beginning quite a few but as the days go on it gets easier One Day at A Time and sometimes one minute at a time.
We all will walk with you here there will be bad days and usually in the beginning quite a few but as the days go on it gets easier One Day at A Time and sometimes one minute at a time.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Bad days are common. Try to make a list of things you enjoy - going for a run, taking a walk in a rural area, spending time in a museum or browsing antique stores, having tea and scones with a friend, curling up with a good book, taking a bubble bath- whatever soothes you - and then do several of them when you start feeling despondent.
I have recently started sitting in the hot tub, singing along VERY LOUDLY to a playlist of songs I made just for that purpose. It works wonders for me.
I have recently started sitting in the hot tub, singing along VERY LOUDLY to a playlist of songs I made just for that purpose. It works wonders for me.
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