helphimplease

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. When we first got together, we were both into smoking weed and I knew he was into pills and I even tried them for a little while, but it doesn't interest me or affect me the way it affected him. I just got sick off the pills. In previous years before we were together, he has done drugs with his brother and I know he has done heroin before and many many pills. Around two years ago, we both gave up smoking pot because we decided it was time to move on and grow up. We also agreed on stopping the pills because of all the negative side effects. Several times since, I have needed pain killers (whether it be vicodin or percocets) and he has stolen them from me and denied it initially and then admitted it. He even stole from his dad's girlfriend once and didn't want to tell me about it. EVERY TIME i hear the same thing, "I'll never do it again, I promise, I love you...Just help me I can't live without you". And I believe it. I do love him too. Now, this hasn't happened for several months or even a year, and just a week ago, I had my gallbladder removed and was prescribed 20 percocets. I took one for three nights in a row and got incredibly sick and actually found out I'm allergic to them so I stopped taking them. Yesterday I counted how many were in teh pill bottle. THREE. I freaked out because 14 were missing in one week! How could this be? I immediately flipped out on my boyfriend and he denied it. He even came over from his work to my house on his lunch to deny it straight to my face. After work he admitted it was him taking the pills and that I shouldn't have told him where they were and I don't understand addiction. He is calling doctors for counseling but he did this the past several times too. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe. I couldn't sleep last night because I was up all night crying and am terribly sick about it today, researching it and asking God to help me to figure out how to help or what to do. I don't even know whether he has been taking them all along or if he just randomly takes them when I have them like he says he does. I always thought about a future with him, but I can't even think about the idea of having kids in the house with a drug addict as a father. I want the best for my (future) children and my life. I don't know if I should believe him again if this should just lead to another horrible situation months down the road. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

suki44883

He is an addict doing what addicts do. The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. You have been through this with him several times. What makes you think this time will be any different?

He is just like any other addict. He is on a roller coaster and you are sitting beside him. Either one of you can get off the ride anytime you want, but it takes action. From what you have posted, it doesn't sound like he's serious about recovery, so more than likely, you will be in for more of the same if you choose to stay in the relationship. I think you deserve better.

zoso77

Hey...settle down a little bit. I know you're upset, but take it easy...

First, welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us, and on our pages you'll find a lot of hard earned wisdom when it comes to how we've dealt with a loved one's addiction.

This sentence stood out:

And the reason why it stood out for me was you've had to get to THIS point to recognize that he may not be what you want in a partner when, indeed, there were several red flags along the way.

You can't help him. You can't save him. He has to want that for himself. And there are times in life when we have to consider doing something we'd never think we'd do. Perhaps you're at that point.

What I encourage you to do is to read the stickies on the top of our page, especially the one "What Addicts Do". Read as many posts as you can. Keep an open mind throughout, especially when people respond to your posts. Some of us may be a little bit more direct than others. Don't let that throw you off, because they really do mean well.

Be safe, and again, welcome to the board.

ZoSo

mstrust

i've been dealing--WAS dealing--with my ex-boyfriend's pill addiction for over a year. all he does is lie about it and then lies about lying. he has told me a million times that he loves me so much and will fix it and make it right and get himself help, etc. and so on. he has yet to follow through on any of the promises he has made. i wanted badly to believe him. honestly, i still do, but i have little to no hope that he is going to wake up anytime soon.

things have only gotten worse. he has left my house and come back more than a few times. he blames me for everything and since i have gone overboard upset, i've let him convince me at times that i am, in fact, a horrible person. everything gets flipped on me and i am accused of being heartless and having no empathy at all. i've lost fifteen pounds i couldn't afford due to stress. i've fallen behind at work. i've driven myself completely insane over it. you sound exactly like me--researching, especially--probably reading everything on the internet you can find...i did the same thing. i've been told i have a "google degree" in opiate addiction. it's sad. i don't think opiate addicts work part-time most of the time. i think they are excellent liars, awesome at hiding things, and do whatever it takes to protect their addiction.

follow zoso's advice. read the stickies if you want to read...help yourself. get a copy of codependent no more...the book is helping me like crazy. facing my own codependency issues has been almost as hard as dealing with all the bs i've allowed myself to put up with, but so worth it. i'm waking up slowly. and so will you. nice to have you here and i hope to hear more...read more, that is.

Faithlove

Welcome to SR! I am so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's maddening to try to figure out an addict. It's heartbreaking to watch them self destruct right in front of you. We all can empathize with you because we've all been or are where you are.

I've been dealing with my AH's addiction for almost four years. I've tried everything. I've learned that I can't love him into recovery. If all of my suffering would make him recover, I'd happily comply. But there's nothing that any of us can do to help our addict recover, short of allowing them to hit their bottom.

We can help ourselves. And we should. We deserve it. Start setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Boundaries let the good in and keep the bad out.

"I will not be involved in a relationship with an active addict."
"I will not be involved in a relationship with someone who steals from me."

It's tough to set boundaries that you're almost certain will keep you addict out. But if you don't, and that's your choice, your addict's addiction will make you just as sick.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

The last two are hard to face. But if any of us could control or cure our loved one's addiction, we would have. We'd all be living happily ever after with our recovered addict.

outtolunch

He lies, manipulates and steals. He has shown you who he is.

Addiction does not excuse these behaviors/crimes.

It is reasonable to assume his use of pills has not been limited to what he has been stealing from you.

interrupted

As I understand it, the nature of opiate addiction is such that occasional use is not possible. If he were only doing pills when you had them, and he was an opiate addict, he would be very sick when you didn't have them. My sister can't go very long without heroin (she started on pills but opiate addicts frequently switch to heroin because it is cheaper) - I don't know exactly how long, but I know that by days 3 and 4 she is like an animal in a cage. I probably wouldn't even have known that if she wasn't actually in a cage (jail) at the time. They're more resourceful than you realize when it comes to obtaining their opiates.

You are right to be extremely concerned for yourself and your future. He hasn't taken steps into active recovery, so it's safe to assume that he doesn't want to recover at this time. You get to decide if you want to remove yourself from the madness. It's a hard decision. I'm sorry you're going through this, opiates are a brutal, brutal drug - so far neither of my family members has made it out of their grip, and I think one might not make it very much longer on this earth.

helphimplease

Thank you everyone for your responses. I wasn't even sure if I was going to get one response. This is a wonderful place to help people and I am so thankful I have found it. I am only 22 years old and he is 26 years old. I wish somehow I just could know what the future will bring for him. I don't want to leave him in the dust. I am scared he will hurt himself, he has said things about suicide before. I still don't know what to do. My parents tell me it could get dangerous. I just want to help him with my whole heart and it breaks my heart to feel so betrayed and at the same time confused. I know I can't possibly understand but at the same time, doesn't he feel bad or think about me or us when this is happening? He said it has nothing to do with me or love or our relationship but that he couldn't help himself. What is to stop him from going out buying more today or the next? He hasn't gotten in touch with a doctor yet but is trying. I just want a clean life for him. I guess it is a miracle I'm looking for. Well, trust me, I'm praying. Thanks again everyone. I appreciate any input at all times. I will keep you updated.

zoso77

Kid,

Please read this very carefully.

What about YOUR future? He's got his hooks in you right now. Suicide threats are often used as a form of manipulation, and that's crueler than cruel. You can't help him. The only person that can help him is him, and if he's not willing to do that, then he'll take you down with him if you allow that to happen.

Best,
ZoSo

mstrust

hasn't been able to get in touch with a doctor? when people want help, they find it. it's not that hard. and i agree with zoso about the suicide talk. my ex told me he tried to kill himself over the summer by taking a handful of his pills--an amount no one could live through taking without AT LEAST needing medical attention. then the other day, he seemed to have forgotten about that and told me that the closest he had EVER come to killing himself WITH INTENT was about a week ago. turns out, a. he can't keep his stories straight...and b. the "suicide attempt" from summer was a great explanation for why all his pills were gone already.

you DO have to think about your future and your boyfriend is right that his addiction has nothing to do with you. it's not personal. and it doesn't matter how much he loves you or you love him or how great you are together. trust me. my ex still tells me daily how much he needs me and wants me and that i'll never believe how much he loves me. but he's still not here with me, he still hasn't gotten help, and all the love in the world won't make him choose me over his precious pills.

rsk

"Suicide threats are often used as a form of manipulation, and that's crueler than cruel." -ZOSO
HELPHIMPLEASE,
I know too well of a loved one that would use suicide threats to get what he wanted. I wish I had been a part of this support group when I had first began my journey. I can empathize with how you may feel. I had so much fight in me to do everything I could to make my ex see that he and his life was worth living. I now see how in fact "CRUEL" it was. The manipulation is unbearable and appalling at the same time. I know that it makes you feel sorrow for the person but the bottom line- the addict that uses suicide threats to avoid confrontation, recieve unjust sympathy, and make you feel as if you are a horrible person can truly be categorized as a "cruel" person. I understand that addicts suffer a disease and I also can understand why you feel the way that you do. I am no expert on healing and recovery from an addict but I just wanted you to know that I too know how you must feel.

helphimplease

It's so hard for me to grip the idea/fact that I would have to let him go. To think about all the good times just to go down the drain is so awful to me. He's been there whenever I needed him to talk to, he is my best friend too. I probably sound like I am defending him and holding onto the past, I don't know. I don't want to see his life go south either. It's really hard when you truly love someone to let them go. Today progress was made when I forced him into calling his mom for support and prayers. I was in the car when he was talking to her. He doesn't seem to think it had any benefits but I know she will help him. Thanks again everyone.

zoso77

I know it's hard. It's extremely hard.

But there comes a time in everyone's life when we have reassess our boundaries, and I can tell you that just because you love someone doesn't mean you're obliged to follow them down when they're in a nose dive. You may think that's selfish. It's not. It's an acknowledgement that you cannot change his situation. If you try to, if you try to make him see things your way, then you drive yourself nuts and NOTHING will change. So, in two cases -- you detach and you stay coupled -- the outcome is the same for HIM.

And that's why we detach...with love...we allow the addict to go on their path and to make their own choices and allow them to face the consequences of those choices.

This is hard stuff for someone your age to absorb. I get it. Don't just take my word for it. Read, read, read, and read some more posts while you're here.

Best,
ZoSo

rsk

Yes letting go of all of the wonderful moments is very,very,very hard. I held onto to these thoughts for so long but whatever you do, do not let these once good moments blind you. I never imagined myself saying this but I would give back all of those past great moments to have avoided the pain that I feel now. Not everyone is the same and I do genuinely hope things do work out for you and your boyfriend. Good Luck to you.

mstrust

you don't have to let him go...if you want to ride this out and suffer whatever stress and heartache it could bring you. you can hope he'll change and try to help him, but truly truly truly, he won't do anything if his heart isn't in it. you had to force him to talk to his mom? and he doesn't think it helped him? you also mentioned he has said he's calling doctors for counseling several times when things have gone awry with you and him... my ex did this too...it's like some kind of pacification for us. like, i'll tell her something she wants to hear or do a little something she wants me to do to get her off my back and off my track for a little while. then it's right back to square one...and the cycle begins again.

i'm honestly not trying to be a downer. i'm just so at the end of my rope right now with my own situation and i read so much of mine in yours...so much of my behavior in your behavior...

helphimplease

I just want so bad to help him and that everything will be alright... He says he couldn't control it and that he only does it/thinks about it when the pills are around and yesterday and today I could see he was really off, like coming down from them. I just feel bad seeing him so hurt.. I hope I don't sound like a broken record.. everything was so great just a few weeks ago before all of this.. Is it possible that he really never thought about it until I brought the pills into the house? Should I have hid them?

..Frustrated and still don't understand

mstrust

i really don't think it's possible that he didn't think about it until... as some of us have said, and i'm sure you've read, opiate addiction is terrible and i don't hear many instances where people take it or leave it. your body depends on the drug and you're sick without it. and once you start taking pills, you build a tolerance quickly--needing more and more to have the same (or better) effect. have you read the signs of opiate intoxication and withdrawal? i obsessed so much that i could tell within half a second of being in the same room with my ex how medicated he was/wasn't. i'm not saying that's healthy behavior on my part, i'm trying to say if you're in doubt about the level of his problem, observe him for a bit. i wouldn't trust what he says to you because as we have all pointed out, addicts are terrific liars.

if your boyfriend thinks he only has a problem if... or, he wouldn't do it except... i think he has a problem and maybe is trying to minimize it in his own mind. mine does that. he came from worse places than he's in now, so he thinks it's not that big of a deal. but it is. i'd like to see more than the inside of my living room while i'm on this earth and be able to plan fun things to do and have an emotionally, physically, mentally available person to do them with. my boyfriend can be/do none of that... everything. EVERYTHING is dependent on his medication. i know now i can't possibly live that life and be happy and content.

maybe you need more time to figure it all out, and that's ok too. i just wouldn't let my guard down too much if i were you.

zoso77

Kiddo...things were never great. He's very, very sick. And if he chooses to recover, that's going to take a tremendous effort on his part.

If you love him...if you really, really love him...you will recognize he needs to work on himself, and he needs to do that without you.

And then...you need to get better, too.

PM with some of the women on the board when you get a chance. Let them explain this. They'll probably do a better job than I can.

Best,
ZoSo

mstrust

i think you do a fine job, zoso...

Confused10111

I am sorry about your situation. I am also new to this site and am going threw my own bf's addiction! I have been reading posts all day every chance i get, it really is helpful to know you are NOT alone in this situation. I know some people seem really harsh at times but they are trying to help and everyone has different ways of showing they care. We have all been in a situation that is hard for us all and hard for the ones we care about! Read as many forums and threads as you can i know it sounds ridiculous and you may not be able to relate to them all but knowing you are not alone helps.