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Our Sons New Girlfriend - will they makle it through the entire vacation?



Our Sons New Girlfriend - will they makle it through the entire vacation?

Old 09-27-2012, 03:15 PM
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Our Sons New Girlfriend - will they makle it through the entire vacation?

Last weekend when our son was visiting; he told us that he had decided to pass on the job offer he had been considering, and was going to take some time off work for a while. Then, he told us that he had decided to take a vacation to Mustique with a girlfriend. Later in the week, he called and asked if I wanted to babysit the girlfriend’s dog while they were gone. She is afraid to leave it with her friends; and he knows how much I like animals, so he thought I might actually enjoy the opportunity. This led to him and the girlfriend (another new one) to come by one night with the dog so we could meet, and I could decide. The dog is just the cutest little tiny thing; and I am happy to care for her while they are gone.

The girlfriend; she also seems very sweet; soft spoken, intelligent, well kept, well mannered, and I actually enjoyed talking with her. But after they left; I started feeling very sad. If the pattern holds with my son, this girl has no future with my son. She may even regret going on this trip; which she seems so thrilled about right now. So, I started thinking about her. Does she know that he uses drugs? Does she think she can change him? Is he hiding it from her? Does she use drugs too?

And then I thought of so many posts here from women who have put their hopes in a man who was using drugs, only to be hurt and disappointed.

I know it is not my fault; and there is nothing I can do because their relationship is none of my business. But I still feel sad reflecting on the women who post here; and how they entered their relationships with such hope, and love; only to end up writing here when they are in such pain.

I don’t really know the purpose of writing this; I guess I just wanted to express my regret that our son is on this selfish yet lonely path, and acknowledge that I know it sometimes ends up hurting the women who choose to be with him.
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:43 PM
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My son had some terrible relationships. An active addict is incapable of having a healthy relationship, but that doesn't stop them from trying.

I always stayed out of my son's business. My "deal" with myself, my son and any girlfriend who would ask was "I'm not going to be an information line, but I am never going to lie for him either. I would just as soon you don't ask because you won't like the answer." They didn't bother asking, which is good because I never ever wanted to be included in their relationship mess.

Stay out of it, you have enough just handling your own emotions right now.

It's just not our business what choices they make.
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by MrsDragon View Post
Last weekend when our son was visiting; he told us that he had decided to pass on the job offer he had been considering, and was going to take some time off work for a while. Then, he told us that he had decided to take a vacation to Mustique with a girlfriend. Later in the week, he called and asked if I wanted to babysit the girlfriend’s dog while they were gone. She is afraid to leave it with her friends; and he knows how much I like animals, so he thought I might actually enjoy the opportunity. This led to him and the girlfriend (another new one) to come by one night with the dog so we could meet, and I could decide. The dog is just the cutest little tiny thing; and I am happy to care for her while they are gone.

The girlfriend; she also seems very sweet; soft spoken, intelligent, well kept, well mannered, and I actually enjoyed talking with her. But after they left; I started feeling very sad. If the pattern holds with my son, this girl has no future with my son. She may even regret going on this trip; which she seems so thrilled about right now. So, I started thinking about her. Does she know that he uses drugs? Does she think she can change him? Is he hiding it from her? Does she use drugs too?

And then I thought of so many posts here from women who have put their hopes in a man who was using drugs, only to be hurt and disappointed.

I know it is not my fault; and there is nothing I can do because their relationship is none of my business. But I still feel sad reflecting on the women who post here; and how they entered their relationships with such hope, and love; only to end up writing here when they are in such pain.

I don’t really know the purpose of writing this; I guess I just wanted to express my regret that our son is on this selfish yet lonely path, and acknowledge that I know it sometimes ends up hurting the women who choose to be with him.
It's true. A lot of the women here have been badly hurt. But it's equally true that they've gained a lot of insight about themselves, and I would bet their boundaries and what they think is acceptable behavior have changed for the better. Out of pain comes growth.

As far as your son goes, sit back and watch the fireworks. My mentor a long time ago taught me that when you're young, the most important thing is getting laid in the backseat of your car. But when you get older and wiser, you have to know how to drive that same car. Addicts are great at the backseat; getting laid's the easy part because it's self-seeking at its purest. But when the time comes to grow up, to make responsible decisions within the context of a relationship -- i.e. drive the car -- they're not equipped to do it.

Hope you're well,
ZoSo
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:18 PM
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Wow. Aren't you annoyed that you are being asked to babysit some random girl's dog while your son is going to party it up on Mustique Mustique - Welcome to Mustique? Especially after all the cr@p he's been putting you through? Drugs at work, guns in the car, fake blood in the pool, sex acts on video and all?!

If the pattern holds with my son, this girl has no future with my son.
Maybe she doesn't want a future with him. Maybe she just wants a vacation and some free dope. I know I used to be very impressive when there was something in it for me - even when I was a crackhead - I was especially good at it then.

I guess more shall be revealed...

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Old 09-27-2012, 06:37 PM
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II feel like I have been manipulated even by my son's girlfriend to be honest ..the first one dumped him when he started using drugs the second one met him when he was clean a month or so but soon started using she would act like she was worried and begging him to get help ...then after about a years she ended up in rehab apparently she was using the whole time and I was just blind to to ...I understand what you are feeling but do we really ever know..
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:12 PM
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I found out about my husband's loooong drug and alcohol issues after I married him (dated him for 3 years, lived with him 6 months). I don't use drugs and hardly drink.
I developed a nice relationship with my mother-in-law during this time.

MY mother recently told me she was upset at HIS mother because she never gave me one clue about the problems I was going to face. I thought about it for a minute and realized that it wouldn't have mattered anyways. I wouldn't have listened.. and if I did.. I would have minimized the problem, never having been around drugs before... I did not have the capacity to understand the severity of what was in front of me. It would have only caused problems between her and her son and me... My husband later told me that he warned his mother, if she spoke one word to me about his issues, he would never speak to her again. Just my experience...
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:22 PM
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hi mrsdragon, you reminded me of my xabf's mother, who had actually expressed to me how happy she is that i was dating his son.

we went on a mexico trip last december to his son's request, i was excited, i guess we were both excited, we brought our golf clubs and tennis rackets...and boy it almost became a vacation disaster. his mom told me to make sure that he doesnt drink alcohol, i told her i can not promise anything since i dont want him (xabf) to think that im playing mom to him, i do drink but i know my threshold and i can stop without getting to the point of passing out, when i feel the buzz then i stop, but on our first night he kept drinking and drinking as we did a bar/club crawl...dancing and drinking the night away, until he started asking the taxi drivers were to get cocaine...ohmy, that's when the nightmare started....after that first night he didnt do it again, thank God...we enjoyed the rest of the vacation playing golf and tennis.

his mom never kept secrets from me, which is good...we became tag team until to the point that we realized that we are enabling him and not helping him. i dont talk to her anymore, she said that im such a good person that i deserve more than being with her son.

she told me once that of all the women that his son has been with, it was me whom she actually want for his son since we share a lot of interest and good ones at that like music, movies and sports...and she liked the fact that i have never smoked cig, weed, shroom or even tried drugs and not an alcoholic compared to the others he previously dated....we told each other that we would keep each other in prayers and hoping that someday his son will really be sober.

my prayers and peace to you, your son and the girl he is with.
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:30 PM
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I dated a guy once and his dad took me aside and said "you seem like a really nice girl...and let me tell ya....

"You DON'T want to get tangled up with my son"

He never explained why...but, for some reason...I listened to him. I mean...what dad would say that?

I only went out with him I think 2x and I don't recall any red flags...except what his dad said. After that...I was "too busy" whenever he called.

Found out later he beat the holy begeezus out of a gal that he dated after me.
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:39 PM
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@yearforme - you know what's weird for me THEN, after the times that i have been with my xabf and when the mom, the dad and me decided to stop helping him out (enabling), he went with another girl whom his dad hates so much (saying that this girl is the one who brings the drugs to his son and that she invites him to stay in hotels for wild sex while they get high), the mom told me that it is best for me to stay away from his son and if he calls me to ignore all his calls and never to talk to him again...i felt hurt and rejected, i even asked her "dont you like me anymore?" "why are you saying all this to me?" and she said that "she loves me so much that she doesnt want to see me hurt anymore and that i dont deserve the things his son is doing to me"....it really took me some time before i understand what she really meant...his dad even told me that, "if he let you go, he is stupid"....now looking back i can feel the concern they have for me...i dont talk to them anymore....the parents who i once referred to as the best parents in law anyone could ever have (because they really are nice to me).

and im pretty sure mrsdragon is the same way...she is concerned for this girl his son is with.
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:14 AM
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Well, from what you've shared with us in prior threads, this young lady is just next in the long line of disposable lovers. It'll be over before she even know what hit her. Yes, it is VERY sad...for both of them.
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:40 PM
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You nailed it (parson the pun) TJP: a disposable lover is all he wants right now.

He has told us that he is not looking for a relationship; and said he makes it clear to whoever he is dating. But I know as a woman that kind of talk has the potential to zoom right past - lost behind other emotions, because its oh so easy to convince ourselves 'he doesn't really mean it'. And that is also assuming his opinion of making it clear is Actually Clear; especially suspect if he's high or has been drinking.

Fortunately, Ive always felt that my sons "love life" is his personal responsibility. Its just not something I've ever felt comfortable getting involved in.
Too Much Information !!

No, being asked if I wanted to watch the little dog didn't bother me. I love animals, and being around them makes me happy.

Son handled it very respectfully also. First he called to inquire,then he said he'd tell the girlfriend and they would set up a time to bring the dog over so I could meet it before deciding. The girlfriend said when they drop the dog off in couple days she will bring all it's food, and everything it needs including it's bed, toys, and a couple of special blankets that I can use to protect the furniture. She even said she would leave written notes and the vets number. (She seemed like a responsible dog mommy).

Husband and I don't have an issue with him going on vacation; we hope the change of scenery will actually do him some good. Except it appears to be horrible timing because my husband informed me this morning that he thought he would quit his job today and take me to Hawaii to celebrate, but oops cant go he realized - we have to watch some girls dog for 10 days so our son can get some rest and relaxation. So he surrendered his dream and went to the office; mumbling about the burdens of responsibility. Half serious, but half joking I know because he truly loves his work.

I wanted to use the thank-you button on the replies; but mine doesnt seem to work; so thank-you.
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Old 09-28-2012, 03:24 PM
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MrsDragon, i think you are a very caring and thoughtful person. You wrote something awhile back about your ex daughter in law that really touched my heart. I wanted to go back and respond to it but was later unable to find it. I think your son is fortunate, because if the day comes that he gets clean and finds a good woman, he has a great mom ready support that new relationship and family.
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