Am I Heartless
 

My son was in our county jail for about 6 weeks for unpaid fines. That made the fines paid off but now he was transferred to another county jail for theft by deception charges in that county (he wrote a check on someone else's account). He could be in there for a long time cause I don't know when his trial will be scheduled. I am OK with that. He called my mother and now she is driving me crazy. She wants to bail him out even tho he has no place to go. He is homeless. He stole from her and from me. He wants to go back to some persons house where he was arrested in the first place. I think this is crazy. I beleive it is a drug house. When he was arrested he left his backpack there with his SSN card and birth certificate. He has no driver's license. So now he also has no ID. My heart breaks for him but I honestly think he is better off in jail. She calls me crying she wants to find out about homeless shelters and when I don't want to help her she gets mad at me - tells me he is my son. I am sick over this whole thing. Any encouragement/suggestions would be highly appreciated.

Is there any way your mother would go with you to a Naranon or even a NA meeting? Maybe it will help if she hears it from some else other then you. Another recovering addict will tell her, leave him be! Jail has been the bottom many needed to seek out help.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I believe you are doing the very best thing by not bailing your son out of jail. He is safer there than on the streets.

Unfortunately, you can't change your mother any more than you can change your son. If you have explained to her why you feel the way you do, that's about all you can do. You can just refuse to talk with her about your son. If she insists on helping him, then that's on her. You are NOT heartless, you're just a mother who knows she cannot fix her son. :grouphug:

Dear Pommie, I so understand your concern. My boy was finally picked up on 9-13 and now is facing some prison/jail time. I would NEVER bail out an addict, the first thing they would do is go right back to their lifestyle. Jail is the best place and safest for him.
You are doing the right thing.

Thank you so much for your replies. It has really helped me. We have been going to Nar-Anon together. That's where I got the strength to say leave him in jail. But she just keeps telling me "I have a soft heart, I feel sorry for him". Suki thank you, I have explained to her my feeling to leave him in jail and I guess that is all I can do. If she does bail him out I am going to be beyond upset.

It's ok if she has a soft heart. That doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. Just say "I know mom. I love you. But if he doesn't face the consequences for his actions, how will he ever learn from his mistakes? We leave him there BECAUSE we love him." And if she keeps pushing it, you'll just have to walk away.

You are doing the right thing. I only bailed my son out once after he made so many promises of how he wanted to change and how he would call his sponsor and go to a meeting right away, all said with tears....and he wasn't out for an hour before he was back out getting drugs.

Tell your mama what the founder of SR told so many of us, years ago..."You just might love him right into his grave."

Jail is the best place he could be right now. Trust the process, trust life and trust God that your son is exactly where he should be.

Hugs

My mother just called me. She talked to her pastor. He asked her what do his parents think. She told him we did not want to bail him out.. He said "Well then that's your answer". She says she is not going to bail him out. I told her to tell him to take advantage of whatever help he can get in jail. Knowing him, he won't. But that is on him too I guess.

Thank you, I'll hang on to that.

On another thread here tonight, with another son doing so much better since he went to jail...I reminded JJ's mama that God's blessings often come as strangely wrapped gifts. Jail might just be a blessing in disguise.

I'm glad your mother is on side with you now, even begrudgingly. Your boy will be okay, and he's in a good place to think over where his life's choices have taken him.

Hugs

I'm glad to hear that your Mom is on board with you now. That is one less bit of stress on you.

Dealing with an addict is the most counter intuitive thing we ever have to do as parents (and grandparents). It's hard but you're doing ok.

Gentle hugs
ke