I'll quit if...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 5
I'll quit if...
So my AH admitted to me last night that he was using Meth again. This was after me seeing the signs for several months and just not wanting to believe it. I finally confronted him and after denying it over and over, he did finally admit to it. I have been through this before. The lies, the promises. He went into rehab last year "for me". Not because I asked him to, but because we split up and he knew the only way I would be with him was if he was clean and sober. After rehab I was naive enough to think all the drugging and drinking was all over. We would have a wonderful future together. Then a few months back I began to see the signs again. That time I actually found the drugs and confronted him. He promised to quit and of course I believed him until the signs returned. I asked several times and he denied it. I basically ignored it for a while, not really wanting to admit myself he was still using. Finally I just couldn't keep it in any longer, I needed to know for sure.
After he admitted to it last night, of course he said he was sorry. He said to give him 3 days to get it out of his system and that would be the end of it. Do I believe him? NO. Do I trust him? NO. Am I ready to end this roller coaster ride? YES. But I love him and know what kind of person he is without this. I want to see him succeed. The problem is he tells me "I will quit if you stay. If you don't stay, I'm not going to quit." So that tells me that he doesn't want to quit. He's just afraid to lose me, he's telling me this just to keep me. If he was really serious about quitting, why should it depend on me?? And he asks how can I abandon my husband just because he is weak and that I knew he had this problem when I married him so why am I making a big deal about it now? And he compared it with me having migraines, he stays with me even though I have those. Really??
Right now I am just trying to decide my next step. I honestly didn't know what I had signed up for when I got involved with an addict/alcoholic. I've lost myself in his addictions. I have started Al-Anon now trying to find ME again. I know I can't control him, I know I can't fix him. I just want some sanity back in my life. I don't know that I can keep dealing with this over and over.
Sorry if all that sounds like rambling...just a lot going through my mind.
After he admitted to it last night, of course he said he was sorry. He said to give him 3 days to get it out of his system and that would be the end of it. Do I believe him? NO. Do I trust him? NO. Am I ready to end this roller coaster ride? YES. But I love him and know what kind of person he is without this. I want to see him succeed. The problem is he tells me "I will quit if you stay. If you don't stay, I'm not going to quit." So that tells me that he doesn't want to quit. He's just afraid to lose me, he's telling me this just to keep me. If he was really serious about quitting, why should it depend on me?? And he asks how can I abandon my husband just because he is weak and that I knew he had this problem when I married him so why am I making a big deal about it now? And he compared it with me having migraines, he stays with me even though I have those. Really??
Right now I am just trying to decide my next step. I honestly didn't know what I had signed up for when I got involved with an addict/alcoholic. I've lost myself in his addictions. I have started Al-Anon now trying to find ME again. I know I can't control him, I know I can't fix him. I just want some sanity back in my life. I don't know that I can keep dealing with this over and over.
Sorry if all that sounds like rambling...just a lot going through my mind.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
That's funny...comparing meth addiction to migraines. LOL! What a jerk.
He doesn't want to quit. If he did, he'd do it. He's attempting to blackmail you by using guilt. He's no different than any other addict. If you're done, then BE done. You staying with him won't change a thing. It will just be more of the same stuff you've been putting up with all along.
You deserve better.
He doesn't want to quit. If he did, he'd do it. He's attempting to blackmail you by using guilt. He's no different than any other addict. If you're done, then BE done. You staying with him won't change a thing. It will just be more of the same stuff you've been putting up with all along.
You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Like you said, he doesn't want to quit using. So it's a good idea to make your decisions going forward based on circumstances that exist right now, not on how they once were or how they could one day possibly be. How are they right now? Is this what you want for yourself?
All of the words coming out of his mouth are just manipulations - I would disregard every single one of them. What are his actions? Are those actions (liar, manipulator, drug user) something you want in a life partner?
It sounds almost like you know what you're going to do, but it's hard to take steps. That's okay, it's hard for all of us. Keep posting! I think you have the right idea attending Al-anon and focusing on yourself. I'm sorry that you're going through this hell, welcome to SR.
All of the words coming out of his mouth are just manipulations - I would disregard every single one of them. What are his actions? Are those actions (liar, manipulator, drug user) something you want in a life partner?
It sounds almost like you know what you're going to do, but it's hard to take steps. That's okay, it's hard for all of us. Keep posting! I think you have the right idea attending Al-anon and focusing on yourself. I'm sorry that you're going through this hell, welcome to SR.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welocme to SR! I am sorry about what brought you here.
Meth is one scary drug to be around. None of us are any match for addiction. It takes us down to a new dark place, hell. He has to want recovery and you are right, it doesn't sound like he does. His words show a masterful manipulator at work. Guilt and comparison are 2 methods frequently used to control and manipulate codependents.
If you can continue to work on YOU with alanon, a therapist, reading about codependencey (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie) - you will see your role in all of this.
My prayers are with you. My husband's addiction nearly destroyed me! I was naive, in denial and afraid to accept my reality. With some hard work, I am seeing things far more clearly. I have choices about my life and how I am going to live it.
Meth is one scary drug to be around. None of us are any match for addiction. It takes us down to a new dark place, hell. He has to want recovery and you are right, it doesn't sound like he does. His words show a masterful manipulator at work. Guilt and comparison are 2 methods frequently used to control and manipulate codependents.
If you can continue to work on YOU with alanon, a therapist, reading about codependencey (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie) - you will see your role in all of this.
My prayers are with you. My husband's addiction nearly destroyed me! I was naive, in denial and afraid to accept my reality. With some hard work, I am seeing things far more clearly. I have choices about my life and how I am going to live it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
74JAMIE,
Our stories are eerily similar, only I was way more stupid that you were! My RAH went to rehab, cleaned up his act, came home and I thought 'put a bow on it, he's all better'. I proceeded to marry this man, have a baby with him, only to find out he stopped for a grand total of 2 months. For 7 years he snorted cocaine 3 and 4 times a week and I was unaware. You have no idea how foolish I STILL feel about this! Denial....ummmm, yes! In the worst way! I have always been very naive about drugs (obviously) and I knew he was drinking way more than normal, but that was just to come down off the high and occasionally sleep, I guess. He has had the same great job for 8 years, never missed a day of work, came home every night (although occasionally later than he should've), and I was just busy being Super Mom I guess? Anyway, I wrote b/c you said your AH says "he will only get sober for you." Mine said the same thing. We separated, but eventually began the process of putting our marriage back together.....although it is literally baby steps....one day at a time. Just wanted you to know, I "get it", I've walked this (still am) and you are not alone! Hugs to you and thank you for your post!
Our stories are eerily similar, only I was way more stupid that you were! My RAH went to rehab, cleaned up his act, came home and I thought 'put a bow on it, he's all better'. I proceeded to marry this man, have a baby with him, only to find out he stopped for a grand total of 2 months. For 7 years he snorted cocaine 3 and 4 times a week and I was unaware. You have no idea how foolish I STILL feel about this! Denial....ummmm, yes! In the worst way! I have always been very naive about drugs (obviously) and I knew he was drinking way more than normal, but that was just to come down off the high and occasionally sleep, I guess. He has had the same great job for 8 years, never missed a day of work, came home every night (although occasionally later than he should've), and I was just busy being Super Mom I guess? Anyway, I wrote b/c you said your AH says "he will only get sober for you." Mine said the same thing. We separated, but eventually began the process of putting our marriage back together.....although it is literally baby steps....one day at a time. Just wanted you to know, I "get it", I've walked this (still am) and you are not alone! Hugs to you and thank you for your post!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
A child should never live in a home where addiction is present, they will carry their childhood into adulthood.
IMO he is attempting to manipulate you, he is all words, no action.
It sounds like you know that he is feeding you a load of crap, do what is right for you and your child.
Keep posting, read all the stickeys at the top of this forum, it will help.
IMO he is attempting to manipulate you, he is all words, no action.
It sounds like you know that he is feeding you a load of crap, do what is right for you and your child.
Keep posting, read all the stickeys at the top of this forum, it will help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The problem is he tells me "I will quit if you stay. If you don't stay, I'm not going to quit." So that tells me that he doesn't want to quit.
Do what is right for you and your children. Staying with an active addict (and regardless of what he says, he is an active addict) is dangerous for all of you, presents a terrible life for the children and obviously makes you very unhappy.
My son was a terrific fellow at one time, kind, handsome, good natured and funny, everyone love him. Addiction took that person away from all of us and all the wishing in the world won't bring him back.
Take a good read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top. There is lots of good information there that may help you through these troubling days.
Welcome to SR, you are among friends who understand.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Maybe you have migraines because of him?
When I briefly separated from my AH, I stopped having migraines. I stopped gritting my teeth. I didn't have tension in my neck and my jaws weren't tight.
We're back together and I'm fighting a tension headache right now.
Welcome to SR! Coming here has and continues to help me immensley. I hope you find something helpful here too.
When I briefly separated from my AH, I stopped having migraines. I stopped gritting my teeth. I didn't have tension in my neck and my jaws weren't tight.
We're back together and I'm fighting a tension headache right now.
Welcome to SR! Coming here has and continues to help me immensley. I hope you find something helpful here too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
All this back and forth and talk talk talk is going to continue.
If you wish to, give him the 3 days. During those three days consult an attorney.
Because your husband is going to use again. And it's time now to remove the drug addict from the home where you are trying to responsibly and safely raise innocent children.
If you wish to, give him the 3 days. During those three days consult an attorney.
Because your husband is going to use again. And it's time now to remove the drug addict from the home where you are trying to responsibly and safely raise innocent children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 5
Thank you for all of your responses and support. I know what I need to do, it's just having the strength at this point to actually go through with it. I'm scared of what the outcome will be. What's he going to do? Destroy everything I have? He would and not think twice about it. That is just the kind of person he is. He is also an alcoholic. When he drinks whiskey he becomes a monster. He becomes totally irrational and a RO is not going to stop him.
I have all the scenarios played out in my mind already and it scares the @#$% out of me!! I just feel like I am broken. I feel like there is nothing left, I am just existing. I know all of this is his way of manipulating me to stay with him. I just don't know that I am strong enough emotionally to deal with what's to come if I don't stay.
So many of you have been through this and are probably thinking I am crazy to stay in a bad situation, especially with my son involved. I am just too scared to do anything else right now. That's where the Al-Anon comes into play. I need to find that strength that I know is inside me. Right now those words I need to say to him just won't come out. And this battle inside is killing me. I feel so weak.
I have all the scenarios played out in my mind already and it scares the @#$% out of me!! I just feel like I am broken. I feel like there is nothing left, I am just existing. I know all of this is his way of manipulating me to stay with him. I just don't know that I am strong enough emotionally to deal with what's to come if I don't stay.
So many of you have been through this and are probably thinking I am crazy to stay in a bad situation, especially with my son involved. I am just too scared to do anything else right now. That's where the Al-Anon comes into play. I need to find that strength that I know is inside me. Right now those words I need to say to him just won't come out. And this battle inside is killing me. I feel so weak.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
People in active addiction or new to recovery make lousy parents. Children learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them, at home.
Is it possible for you to send your child to live elsewhere with family until you figure out what you are going to do?
Is it possible for you to send your child to live elsewhere with family until you figure out what you are going to do?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The monster that whiskey "makes" him is nothing compared to the monster meth will "make" him.
Your property is just "stuff" and can be replaced, however your son and you can not be. If he is violent, please call a domestic violence center or the police for help.
Your property is just "stuff" and can be replaced, however your son and you can not be. If he is violent, please call a domestic violence center or the police for help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
If you are worried about his violence, and you and your son are not safe, please recognize that you don't need to say anything at all to him. There doesn't have to be a big confrontation before you remove yourself to a safer place, oftentimes it's better to get to a safe place first. Please contact a domestic violence center or the police - they can help you figure out a best plan of action.
Your son should not bear witness to this twisted madness. I'm so sorry, your situation sounds extremely difficult. Please do whatever you have to to protect yourself and your son. Meth is a terrifying drug and it can make people do things that we never thought them capable of.
Your son should not bear witness to this twisted madness. I'm so sorry, your situation sounds extremely difficult. Please do whatever you have to to protect yourself and your son. Meth is a terrifying drug and it can make people do things that we never thought them capable of.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
You're not weak. You can do this.
You don't realize it now, but you can not imagine how much better off you and your son will be without him. It may be difficult in the beginning, but it will be so worth it. Imagine how much healthier and happier you and your son will be after two weeks of your AH not being around, then think about two months, and two years.
Keep going to Al-Anon and keep posting here. I'll be praying for you.
You don't realize it now, but you can not imagine how much better off you and your son will be without him. It may be difficult in the beginning, but it will be so worth it. Imagine how much healthier and happier you and your son will be after two weeks of your AH not being around, then think about two months, and two years.
Keep going to Al-Anon and keep posting here. I'll be praying for you.
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