How naive I have been...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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How naive I have been...
Good Evening Everyone,
I am a little scared to post because it is my first time. I have just come to the point where I feel like I need some help and guidance. I am currently no longer with my ex who was a heroin addict. I guess I should give a little background on our relationship. We dated for over four years, just separated, and I thought I had finally met the man I was suppose to be with forever. I was hesitant to go into the relationship because four years ago I was content with being single but he was everything that I had wanted. No one of course is perfect but I did not care about the trivial things. Our relationship was beautiful up until a year and a half ago, he began to take pills which lead to heroin behind my back and it has been nothing but a roller coaster of unhealthiness for us both. I stood by him enduring all of the sadness,hurt,and disappointment for three rounds of rehab. I now know that I should have left the first time and that this was his recovery. I stood by him because I did honestly love him, don't believe on running when times get hard, and how he would always say that he had nothing to live for but me. I now see how manipulative and destructive it was. I learned all that I could about the disease but came up with no appreciation for my compssion for him.I work in the healthcare and I feel that my caring attitude towards all mankind has gotten me into trouble and turned into an unhealthy co-dependance. The last time in rehab prior to him leaving, he was devastated that our relationship was on the rocks (because I have had enough) and I felt that the only way it would survive was if he came out and was serious about recovery. He broke up with me while in rehab because "I deserved better" and he needed to focus on recovery. He was crying and did not want to break up but had to get "better." I did not argue the decision because above all, he needed to focus on his recovery. Well he got out of rehab and never had a word to say to me except for a text saying that he was a "no good" person and that I deserved nothing but the best for how good I was to him all these years. I let it go, wished him the best and began to heal. Come to find out, the whole no relationship thing was just an excuse and he is with someone else, and back living in a recovery house. Ironic as it is I confronted him and he did nothing but put me down and act as if I had no right to feel sadness, betrayal, pain. I just have never experienced him to be so nasty to me. Confronting him(text because he won"t answer ) has left a lasting impression of how mean he can be and it's weird because he is apparently clean. I have no intentions of ever having contact with him again but meanwhile I need to find a way to let the pain go. I guess I could start by reading Co-Dependent no more. I just am so confused to how a clean addict could be so deceitful, heartless, and still playing the blame game to a woman that tried her best to be nothing but supportive for so long. I obviously no longer know who this person is.Thank you kindly for taking the time to read this and for any wisdom that you can offer.
I am a little scared to post because it is my first time. I have just come to the point where I feel like I need some help and guidance. I am currently no longer with my ex who was a heroin addict. I guess I should give a little background on our relationship. We dated for over four years, just separated, and I thought I had finally met the man I was suppose to be with forever. I was hesitant to go into the relationship because four years ago I was content with being single but he was everything that I had wanted. No one of course is perfect but I did not care about the trivial things. Our relationship was beautiful up until a year and a half ago, he began to take pills which lead to heroin behind my back and it has been nothing but a roller coaster of unhealthiness for us both. I stood by him enduring all of the sadness,hurt,and disappointment for three rounds of rehab. I now know that I should have left the first time and that this was his recovery. I stood by him because I did honestly love him, don't believe on running when times get hard, and how he would always say that he had nothing to live for but me. I now see how manipulative and destructive it was. I learned all that I could about the disease but came up with no appreciation for my compssion for him.I work in the healthcare and I feel that my caring attitude towards all mankind has gotten me into trouble and turned into an unhealthy co-dependance. The last time in rehab prior to him leaving, he was devastated that our relationship was on the rocks (because I have had enough) and I felt that the only way it would survive was if he came out and was serious about recovery. He broke up with me while in rehab because "I deserved better" and he needed to focus on recovery. He was crying and did not want to break up but had to get "better." I did not argue the decision because above all, he needed to focus on his recovery. Well he got out of rehab and never had a word to say to me except for a text saying that he was a "no good" person and that I deserved nothing but the best for how good I was to him all these years. I let it go, wished him the best and began to heal. Come to find out, the whole no relationship thing was just an excuse and he is with someone else, and back living in a recovery house. Ironic as it is I confronted him and he did nothing but put me down and act as if I had no right to feel sadness, betrayal, pain. I just have never experienced him to be so nasty to me. Confronting him(text because he won"t answer ) has left a lasting impression of how mean he can be and it's weird because he is apparently clean. I have no intentions of ever having contact with him again but meanwhile I need to find a way to let the pain go. I guess I could start by reading Co-Dependent no more. I just am so confused to how a clean addict could be so deceitful, heartless, and still playing the blame game to a woman that tried her best to be nothing but supportive for so long. I obviously no longer know who this person is.Thank you kindly for taking the time to read this and for any wisdom that you can offer.
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I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are worthy of more. Cut the loss which is, by the way, his loss - not yours. To invest so much energy and emotion into an addict, even if in recovery, can consume your spirit. Instead invest that energy into youself. You may not be able to see it that way now, but this kind of roller coaster ride is not worth it.
Take care of youself.
I am the mom of an addict, but there are many people here who have walked in your shoes and can offer you encouragement. Welcome to the forum.
Take care of youself.
I am the mom of an addict, but there are many people here who have walked in your shoes and can offer you encouragement. Welcome to the forum.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He doesn't sound clean to me! I am so sorry for your pain! One positive thought is, thankfully you never had kids with him!
Work on YOU so that you will be healthy and choose a healthy partner when you are ready for a new relationship!!
Work on YOU so that you will be healthy and choose a healthy partner when you are ready for a new relationship!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Thanks everyone. I keep hearing that he is not "clean" from multiple people. All I know is that he boasts about his sobriety which by all means is wonderful but I guess actions do speak louder than words. The hardest part is to forgive yourself too. I was doing well after wishing him the best and saying goodbye but the lies to be with someone else are unforgivable. I agree, I need to work on myself and allow for the possibilities of a better tomorrow.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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Ironic as it is I confronted him and he did nothing but put me down and act as if I had no right to feel sadness, betrayal, pain. I just have never experienced him to be so nasty to me. Confronting him(text because he won"t answer ) has left a lasting impression of how mean he can be and it's weird because he is apparently clean. I have no intentions of ever having contact with him again but meanwhile I need to find a way to let the pain go. I guess I could start by reading Co-Dependent no more. I just am so confused to how a clean addict could be so deceitful, heartless, and still playing the blame game to a woman that tried her best to be nothing but supportive for so long. I obviously no longer know who this person is.Thank you kindly for taking the time to read this and for any wisdom that you can offer.
There is a sticky note on our home page about how to survive a breakup with an addict, so if you haven't had a chance, I'd read it. That and "What Addicts Do".
If you're serious about moving on with your life, you have to go No Contact. I'd block him on your phone, on Facebook, on email, on EVERYTHING. No games. You're going to be hurting for a while, and while that sucks and it's unfair, there are worse things...like still having him in your life.
Hang in there. You will get through this.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
rsk,
It definitely sounds like he IS NOT clean, but that really doesn't matter. What matters is YOU deserve much, much better than this jerk! Chances are, he knows after four years together you are onto his "tricks/lies/manipulation" and he has found someone who probably doesn't know any better yet. Pray for her that he doesn't take her on a four-year ride through hell too! Please Read Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency by Melodie Beatie. Great books that will change your life. Don't look back! Let him go.....it has no effect on the great person you are!!
It definitely sounds like he IS NOT clean, but that really doesn't matter. What matters is YOU deserve much, much better than this jerk! Chances are, he knows after four years together you are onto his "tricks/lies/manipulation" and he has found someone who probably doesn't know any better yet. Pray for her that he doesn't take her on a four-year ride through hell too! Please Read Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency by Melodie Beatie. Great books that will change your life. Don't look back! Let him go.....it has no effect on the great person you are!!
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"You're assuming he's clean, and you have to make the distinction between not using and being in recovery."
Zoso, this is something that I needed to hear today. This is very true and I think I gave him too much credit because that's all I ever hear about is how proud everyone is of him for living a "clean" life. YOU ARE SO RIGHT,THERE DEFFINITELY IS A DIFFERENCE. Thank you Zoso.
I saw my Mom today and I could see nothing but sadness in her eyes. She had heard what happened because of my little cousin who was on facebook (who I have kept in the dark about everything) he had told my family how obvious my ex makes it that he is with someone else. He doesn't understand because he is an early teen and I never wanted him to know about the drugs...and now this.I tried to keep what I could private, I can't control what the ex does. Well back to my point, I feel horrible for my Mom to ever have to feel sadness for me, I try to hold in as much as possible because I didn't want her to worry. It's truly humiliating that everyone knows what he has done. My heart breaks NOT for him anymore but for myself. I won't lie, I am still in denial of how twited he is but I need to face it. There is so that I didn't post about our relationship, I just don't want to seem like a complete idiot for loving this person... people seem to know what to do and say when they don't want you to go anywhere and then the next minute, you are nothing to them. I pray that I get through the days where I can smile again, have hope,and hold my head up high.
Zoso, this is something that I needed to hear today. This is very true and I think I gave him too much credit because that's all I ever hear about is how proud everyone is of him for living a "clean" life. YOU ARE SO RIGHT,THERE DEFFINITELY IS A DIFFERENCE. Thank you Zoso.
I saw my Mom today and I could see nothing but sadness in her eyes. She had heard what happened because of my little cousin who was on facebook (who I have kept in the dark about everything) he had told my family how obvious my ex makes it that he is with someone else. He doesn't understand because he is an early teen and I never wanted him to know about the drugs...and now this.I tried to keep what I could private, I can't control what the ex does. Well back to my point, I feel horrible for my Mom to ever have to feel sadness for me, I try to hold in as much as possible because I didn't want her to worry. It's truly humiliating that everyone knows what he has done. My heart breaks NOT for him anymore but for myself. I won't lie, I am still in denial of how twited he is but I need to face it. There is so that I didn't post about our relationship, I just don't want to seem like a complete idiot for loving this person... people seem to know what to do and say when they don't want you to go anywhere and then the next minute, you are nothing to them. I pray that I get through the days where I can smile again, have hope,and hold my head up high.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Rsk, you are no more naive then many of us. Please don't wear his shame. Many of us have been very stupid when it comes to addiction. The disease is so cunning and so is the addict. We are just no match for it but usually don't find that out until we are already so damaged. Forgive yourself, forgive him for you and move on.
It helps working on me, so I will not repeat the same mistakes! God Bless!!
It helps working on me, so I will not repeat the same mistakes! God Bless!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I really admire the honesty of your post. Your willingness to tell us how you are feeling ("a little scared to post") and also your struggles with embarrassment and shame about having been "naive." Since we are here in recovery, you can be that vulnerable with us. But if you were telling a drug addict the same things about yourself, later he would use it all against you.
When an addict--consciously or unconsciously--thinks we are in the way of something he is after--some kind of obsessive/compulsive/ self-centered goal which is usually drugs but can be other forms of addiction--he will use our most human and natural traits against us. If, for example, we once admitted to him being afraid to say something which might make us seem stupid, later--when he was craving or jonesing or just plain high-- he would tell us we are too pathetically insecure and to get out of his life. If we once admitted we were ashamed of making a wrong choice in the past--whenever he wanted us gone, he would tell remind us how unstable we are and we never know what we want. If (God forbid) we once revealed to him we hope we will one day have a family and a loving marriage, the next time we were in his way, he would tell us we are too needy and he feels suffocated.
My point is that the vulnerability and the honesty of your words to us are BEAUTIFUL.
But those very qualities in you--and the qualities in all of us that are real and true and human--are the ones the drug addict will twist into degrading flaws and we suddenly feel ashamed of who we are. It would seem crazy to anyone on the outside that we allow him to have this much influence. But addiction makes an addict the most cunning predator in the jungle, and he uses that skill to move people out of his way. He moves us out of the way by assaulting our self-worth.
Whatever your former partner said to you when you confronted him was the rattlesnake in the drug addict which is always coiled and ready to strike. He loves the rush of power and grandiosity that are so much a part of drug addiction.
You are not naive. No one is ever prepared to be treated this way.
He will likely pick up again any day now. He will likely have a series of crises. He will very likely be calling you up again in about three months.
Let us know when. We will help you stay no contact.
When an addict--consciously or unconsciously--thinks we are in the way of something he is after--some kind of obsessive/compulsive/ self-centered goal which is usually drugs but can be other forms of addiction--he will use our most human and natural traits against us. If, for example, we once admitted to him being afraid to say something which might make us seem stupid, later--when he was craving or jonesing or just plain high-- he would tell us we are too pathetically insecure and to get out of his life. If we once admitted we were ashamed of making a wrong choice in the past--whenever he wanted us gone, he would tell remind us how unstable we are and we never know what we want. If (God forbid) we once revealed to him we hope we will one day have a family and a loving marriage, the next time we were in his way, he would tell us we are too needy and he feels suffocated.
My point is that the vulnerability and the honesty of your words to us are BEAUTIFUL.
But those very qualities in you--and the qualities in all of us that are real and true and human--are the ones the drug addict will twist into degrading flaws and we suddenly feel ashamed of who we are. It would seem crazy to anyone on the outside that we allow him to have this much influence. But addiction makes an addict the most cunning predator in the jungle, and he uses that skill to move people out of his way. He moves us out of the way by assaulting our self-worth.
Whatever your former partner said to you when you confronted him was the rattlesnake in the drug addict which is always coiled and ready to strike. He loves the rush of power and grandiosity that are so much a part of drug addiction.
You are not naive. No one is ever prepared to be treated this way.
He will likely pick up again any day now. He will likely have a series of crises. He will very likely be calling you up again in about three months.
Let us know when. We will help you stay no contact.
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English Garden,
You have no idea how uplifting your comment was. It feels lovely to have someone value/appreciate honesty. You are right, no one could ever be prepared to be treated so horrific and still manage to be "ok". I actually hope to never hear from him again and I may be angry now but I have no more fight in me- with him. The blow of losing someone to addiction is a harrrrrrrd blow but, there is hope, to be left for another woman meanwhile be made to feel nothing but bad for him bc of his "hard twisted life" is just another hard blow to the heart. It's amazing how I can't stop feeling like he has won, found someone new to love,wiped his hands clean of ownership to his wrong doings, and jumped off the roller coaster of hell while leaving me on it. I know it's not rational thinking but just where I am at...
You have no idea how uplifting your comment was. It feels lovely to have someone value/appreciate honesty. You are right, no one could ever be prepared to be treated so horrific and still manage to be "ok". I actually hope to never hear from him again and I may be angry now but I have no more fight in me- with him. The blow of losing someone to addiction is a harrrrrrrd blow but, there is hope, to be left for another woman meanwhile be made to feel nothing but bad for him bc of his "hard twisted life" is just another hard blow to the heart. It's amazing how I can't stop feeling like he has won, found someone new to love,wiped his hands clean of ownership to his wrong doings, and jumped off the roller coaster of hell while leaving me on it. I know it's not rational thinking but just where I am at...
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi rsk, welcome,
I just want to say, other than you are amazing!!!
He did not leave you for another woman, he left you for a new enabler.
It's always about the drugs honey, always.
We are here, we care, please make yourself at home.
Hugs Katie xo
I just want to say, other than you are amazing!!!
He did not leave you for another woman, he left you for a new enabler.
It's always about the drugs honey, always.
We are here, we care, please make yourself at home.
Hugs Katie xo
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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thanks for posting, rsk. i'm relatively new to this board myself and was also shy about posting. still am a little. i'm basically in the same boat as you except my ex is still saying he's going to rehab and not actually doing it. i also thought i found the perfect person for me, we were "meant to be" or something...i also didn't care about trivial things--it was deeper and more meaningful than that, i thought. i fell more in love than i've ever been.
he has moved out and in with a married couple, the wife has what seems to be an unlimited supply of pills. he lies about everything. everything is my fault. and as EnglishGarden so perfectly put it, he has used almost everything i have told him in confidence against me. i also strongly believe that much of the reason he left my home in addition to drugs was the fact that i caught on to his games, as Gurlie214 said, and he had to go somewhere where he could be free to do what he wants when he wants with no one giving him any s**t about it.
i'm still in contact with him. i know this is stupid and not serving me at all. hurting me, actually. i have a lot more to learn and a lot more to work on. i admire your strength and conviction. i hope you'll continue to post and share how you're doing. i know i can benefit from what you have to say and i think it helps to have somewhere to go where people understand because they've been there and no one is going to blow sunshine up you a**. there was no such thing as the truth living with him--good, bad, or indifferent. here i know i'll get nothing BUT honesty. that, in itself, is helpful and refreshing.
he has moved out and in with a married couple, the wife has what seems to be an unlimited supply of pills. he lies about everything. everything is my fault. and as EnglishGarden so perfectly put it, he has used almost everything i have told him in confidence against me. i also strongly believe that much of the reason he left my home in addition to drugs was the fact that i caught on to his games, as Gurlie214 said, and he had to go somewhere where he could be free to do what he wants when he wants with no one giving him any s**t about it.
i'm still in contact with him. i know this is stupid and not serving me at all. hurting me, actually. i have a lot more to learn and a lot more to work on. i admire your strength and conviction. i hope you'll continue to post and share how you're doing. i know i can benefit from what you have to say and i think it helps to have somewhere to go where people understand because they've been there and no one is going to blow sunshine up you a**. there was no such thing as the truth living with him--good, bad, or indifferent. here i know i'll get nothing BUT honesty. that, in itself, is helpful and refreshing.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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He did not leave you for another woman, he left you for a new enabler.
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Originally Posted by rsk 
English Garden,
You have no idea how uplifting your comment was. It feels lovely to have someone value/appreciate honesty. You are right, no one could ever be prepared to be treated so horrific and still manage to be "ok". I actually hope to never hear from him again and I may be angry now but I have no more fight in me- with him. The blow of losing someone to addiction is a harrrrrrrd blow but, there is hope, to be left for another woman meanwhile be made to feel nothing but bad for him bc of his "hard twisted life" is just another hard blow to the heart. It's amazing how I can't stop feeling like he has won, found someone new to love,wiped his hands clean of ownership to his wrong doings, and jumped off the roller coaster of hell while leaving me on it. I know it's not rational thinking but just where I am at...
You have no idea how uplifting your comment was. It feels lovely to have someone value/appreciate honesty. You are right, no one could ever be prepared to be treated so horrific and still manage to be "ok". I actually hope to never hear from him again and I may be angry now but I have no more fight in me- with him. The blow of losing someone to addiction is a harrrrrrrd blow but, there is hope, to be left for another woman meanwhile be made to feel nothing but bad for him bc of his "hard twisted life" is just another hard blow to the heart. It's amazing how I can't stop feeling like he has won, found someone new to love,wiped his hands clean of ownership to his wrong doings, and jumped off the roller coaster of hell while leaving me on it. I know it's not rational thinking but just where I am at...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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The moment he picked up heroin his soul flew out the window, rsk. The new woman is not an object of his devotion, she is just an object.
Three rounds of rehab in 18 months....do not be confused because he is supposedly clean. He still has the mind of a drug addict. It is dark.
It is a terrible experience to be cast aside by someone you stood by the way you stood by him, and especially after he said you were the only reason he wanted to go on living and after he begged you not to leave him. This kind of thing -- being blindsided this way--makes us feel so sick inside--I mean sick as in nauseous and ill-- and we wonder if we will ever feel normal again, and ever stop hurting. We can comprehend cruelty and viciousness when we see it on the news. We understand that some people are wired to be cruel.
But you had some years of tenderness and intimacy with this person before he turned, you have known him as someone else, and that is why you are experiencing such mental and emotional turmoil. This is psychic trauma, when a person flips personalities on us so suddenly. It is the experience of children of insane mothers who viciously turn on them: the person who told you you were so wonderful and beautiful yesterday says you are a monster today. And that is mental abuse. It is. It is how they break people in cults.
You need to keep your life as simple as possible for awhile, and avoid anyone or any activity which causes discord in you. You are very fragile now and will be for some time. You will be well again but for now you are very vulnerable. So choose carefully your activities and the people you spend time with. Tend to yourself as though you just survived a plane crash. Gently, quietly. Let yourself mend.
Three rounds of rehab in 18 months....do not be confused because he is supposedly clean. He still has the mind of a drug addict. It is dark.
It is a terrible experience to be cast aside by someone you stood by the way you stood by him, and especially after he said you were the only reason he wanted to go on living and after he begged you not to leave him. This kind of thing -- being blindsided this way--makes us feel so sick inside--I mean sick as in nauseous and ill-- and we wonder if we will ever feel normal again, and ever stop hurting. We can comprehend cruelty and viciousness when we see it on the news. We understand that some people are wired to be cruel.
But you had some years of tenderness and intimacy with this person before he turned, you have known him as someone else, and that is why you are experiencing such mental and emotional turmoil. This is psychic trauma, when a person flips personalities on us so suddenly. It is the experience of children of insane mothers who viciously turn on them: the person who told you you were so wonderful and beautiful yesterday says you are a monster today. And that is mental abuse. It is. It is how they break people in cults.
You need to keep your life as simple as possible for awhile, and avoid anyone or any activity which causes discord in you. You are very fragile now and will be for some time. You will be well again but for now you are very vulnerable. So choose carefully your activities and the people you spend time with. Tend to yourself as though you just survived a plane crash. Gently, quietly. Let yourself mend.
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
The moment he picked up heroin his soul flew out the window, rsk. The new woman is not an object of his devotion, she is just an object.
Three rounds of rehab in 18 months....do not be confused because he is supposedly clean. He still has the mind of a drug addict. It is dark.
It is a terrible experience to be cast aside by someone you stood by the way you stood by him, and especially after he said you were the only reason he wanted to go on living and after he begged you not to leave him. This kind of thing -- being blindsided this way--makes us feel so sick inside--I mean sick as in nauseous and ill-- and we wonder if we will ever feel normal again, and ever stop hurting. We can comprehend cruelty and viciousness when we see it on the news. We understand that some people are wired to be cruel.
But you had some years of tenderness and intimacy with this person before he turned, you have known him as someone else, and that is why you are experiencing such mental and emotional turmoil. This is psychic trauma, when a person flips personalities on us so suddenly. It is the experience of children of insane mothers who viciously turn on them: the person who told you you were so wonderful and beautiful yesterday says you are a monster today. And that is mental abuse. It is. It is how they break people in cults.
You need to keep your life as simple as possible for awhile, and avoid anyone or any activity which causes discord in you. You are very fragile now and will be for some time. You will be well again but for now you are very vulnerable. So choose carefully your activities and the people you spend time with. Tend to yourself as though you just survived a plane crash. Gently, quietly. Let yourself mend.
Three rounds of rehab in 18 months....do not be confused because he is supposedly clean. He still has the mind of a drug addict. It is dark.
It is a terrible experience to be cast aside by someone you stood by the way you stood by him, and especially after he said you were the only reason he wanted to go on living and after he begged you not to leave him. This kind of thing -- being blindsided this way--makes us feel so sick inside--I mean sick as in nauseous and ill-- and we wonder if we will ever feel normal again, and ever stop hurting. We can comprehend cruelty and viciousness when we see it on the news. We understand that some people are wired to be cruel.
But you had some years of tenderness and intimacy with this person before he turned, you have known him as someone else, and that is why you are experiencing such mental and emotional turmoil. This is psychic trauma, when a person flips personalities on us so suddenly. It is the experience of children of insane mothers who viciously turn on them: the person who told you you were so wonderful and beautiful yesterday says you are a monster today. And that is mental abuse. It is. It is how they break people in cults.
You need to keep your life as simple as possible for awhile, and avoid anyone or any activity which causes discord in you. You are very fragile now and will be for some time. You will be well again but for now you are very vulnerable. So choose carefully your activities and the people you spend time with. Tend to yourself as though you just survived a plane crash. Gently, quietly. Let yourself mend.
I think your words just uplifted us all! I know I certainly feel better after reading them! Thank you for the insightful post! You just made my day!
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The support on these forums are amazing. As each day passes after reading these posts, I feel a little less insane, a little less insecure, and a little less like I have been completely defeated. Thank you all so much!
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