SingleM

Hi all. I'm going through some trouble with my heroin addict baby daddy, and not sure what to make of it. If anyone can give me a different perspective on this, I'd really appreciate it. I will refer to him as BD.

I found out I was pregnant after BD and I broke up and I moved away. Basically he never really cared, and never met the baby or had anything to do with baby. Well a few months ago (baby is now a little over a year old) he contacts me. He had just gotten out of jail and is on house arrest - heroin and related charges. Starts showing interest in both baby and me, and we even started hoping for a future together and to be a family. Well this guy is a master manipulator, which is why I left. He is a narcissistic sociopath, from what my therapist had told me. Well it’s been kind of rocky, talking to him. I start feeling manipulated and he tells me I take things too personally. He has stressed quite a bit of times lately that it would be f***ed up if I went after him for child support and got me to swear many times I would never do that to him. He says with all of his fines, etc.. it would be a long time before he is able to contribute. Basically, he met baby once and we were supposed to come back up the next weekend for baby to meet his parents. He dangled me from a string all week saying “I’m almost positive I’m gonna have you come, but I want the leeway to say no if you **** me off”. Let me clarify I have been nothing but respectful to him this whole time. And what pissed him off 2 days before the planned visit was that I wouldn’t send him inappropriate pictures. So the next day he said he wasn’t sure anymore and I told him kindly that I felt disrespected and to forget it.

Today has been incredibly rough. He texted last night to say he was thinking about me. So today I said I’m confused what he wants from me and that his words don’t add up and I feel he doesn’t care about me. He got offended that I feel he doesn’t care and says I take things too personal. He primarily said “You just don’t understand”.


So my question to you all is.... is it me? Is it that I don’t understand and I am the one with issues? Every time we get into this, I’m the one in the wrong. But he will just dangle me from a string. Telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and then goes through periods where he’s incredibly short with me. And what about child support? Is he playing me for a fool? Should I go after it? I’m struggling. I don’t make much and our apartment isn’t suitable. But I can’t afford anything better.

Thank you all for any opinions or insight.

Vall

Dear SingleM,

I am really sorry that you are troubled.

I am not experienced in substance abuse but hope that first and foremost you take care of yourself and your baby. If he is still using, would you want him to be around you both?

There are lots of people on here with advice and experience in this so hang on in therex

All the best

dollydo

"And what about child support? Is he playing me for a fool? Should I go after it? I’m struggling"

Your child is entitled to the child support, it is his responsibility to help support the child.

A child should never be exposed to addiction, should never live in a toxic enviorment.

What does this guy have to offer you...I see nothing, IMO there is no future with him, why not move on?

SingleM

Thank you, Vall and DollyDo, for your responses. You are both absolutely right, and it is so nice to hear. I suppose I have just the right personality for a narcissist to get in my head and fog up my common sense.

DollyDo - do you think that filing for child support would encourage him to get visitations, facilitating the toxic environment? This was my original logic for not having him on the Birth Certificate, and never filing for support before.

Ann

I agree, this fellow sounds like bad news and you and your baby are better off without him. Perhaps see a lawyer about child support...no point in discussing it directly with him, you KNOW that would mean more grief. Run girl and don't look back.

I am so sorry you are going through this and glad you found us. You are among friends here.

Hugs

dollydo

No, he has a record, he is a drug addict....and...even IF he was granted some type of visitation he would not follow through. Addicts have the attention span of a 3 year old.
He will be too busy trying to score drugs.

This guy is a must miss, please for the sake of your child, let him go.

Get to an attorney, most offer free consultation, find out what your rights are.

SingleM

Thank you so much, Ann. :-)

It means the world. I can't really talk to my friends or family about it, because nobody understands how difficult it is to experience.

I did talk to a lawyer before I told him I was pregnant. I suppose it is time to reach back out to her. But I fear it may cause me grief to do it that way, also. I know it sounds pathetic considering how awful he is, but I can't stop loving him. He knows how to tug at my heartstrings (I guess that's the right saying?)... and if I filed, he'd make sure I knew how horrible he thought I was. I fear that I can't handle that. But at the same time, my baby is entitled to the support, as dollydo said.

I also forgot to mention, he doesn't have a job. And was never very good at holding one, plus now has a criminal record. Is this bad timing? Should I wait until his court hearings have all occurred to see what his fate is?

SingleM

dollydo - So true!!! He probably wouldn't follow through with the visits. I just don't know if his parents would let him get away with that. His mom would make sure he knew how badly she wanted to see her grandson. But, even if that were the case and he did have visits. It would be with his parents the whole time, and his parents are really wonderful people.

dollydo

"I just don't know if his parents would let him get away with that."

They have as little control over him as you do.

What he thinks of you doesn't matter, what matters is what your child thinks of you, and, the example you set for her/him.

He will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is working a strong recovery program for life and stays clean. Your child has already inherited the gene that predisposes her/him to addiction. 50% become addicts themselves or end up having a relationship with an addict.

Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do so, also take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one(s) blog, lots of great information at your fingertips...knowledge is power...it will help you to think with your head, not your heart.

Keep posting, it will help.

outtolunch

I think you may be onto something, here. Let's review:

He's a master manipulator.
Your therapist thinks he's a narcissistic sociopath.
He's chronically unemployed.
He's a dope addict.
He's a convicted felon.
He's mooching off someone.
He's a bio dad and does not want you to obtain a court order for child support.

I cannot imagine associating with a guy like this , let alone exposing my child to him. I would however, obtain a court order for child support so fast his "manhood" will spin and snap off.

Stick with therapy. The issue is why you chose a low life like this guy and allowed him back into your life. More importantly, a therapist can work with you to help you selt boundaries for yourself and child to protect both of you.
Here are example of healthy boundaries:

I don't get involved with guys who can't hold down a job.
I don't get involved with moochers.
I don't get involved with bio dads who don't want to take care of their children.
I don't get involved with drug addicts.
I don't get involved with convicted felons.
I don't have unprotected sex with anyone.

Your child need a mother who is going to look out for his/her best interests.

Thank gawd you decided to not send him the pictures he wants. He's likely plans to use them in court to demonstrate you are an unfit mother or perhaps blackmail you.

SingleM

dollydo - Thank you again for the wise words :-) You are all right!!! I'm worried too much about what this lowlife thinks of me. It's about my son!!!! I am most definitely going to check out those book/stickeys, because that is exactly my problem. I know what I need to do and what I need to believe, but my heart is taking too much control right now.

outtolunch - "I think you may be onto something, here." - You made me laugh, thank you for that I was only going to therapy the first few months that I was pregnant, but have been heavily considering going back since I seem to have lost the strength I found back then. She gave me very similar advice and I appreciate you sharing I think I may print that list of boundaries out and keep it in my wallet, or store it in my phone. My only concern I just remembered since I posted this thread... He does have the ability to blackmail me, based on when we were together I know he still has them, he told me. And I wouldn't put it past him to use that power. My only friend I can talk to about it says that in the grand scheme of things it won't matter. But... I am very modest and, if you couldn't tell, I care too much about what other people think of me. I don't know what to do..

FindingErica

My advice, stop speaking to him and do not put anything in a text or email that indicates tou are willing to let him off the hook on child support or are considering getting back together with him. I have all kinds of alarms going off reading your posts. This guy has an agenda and he wants something from you. Your emotions are just emotions and likely misplaced because of codependency issues, this is your child's future, get love out of the picture and deal with this guy logically. He is a manipulative sociopath with criminal and drug issues, he is a bad guy. Let me say it again, he is a bad guy. Do not entangle yourself with him or you very well may find yourself compromising your parental rights. Cut off all contact and talk to a lawyer, that is my advice. He is trying to get involved again, before that you had him on abandonment and have a case for sole custody with no or supervised visitations. Do not let him manipulate you into compromising that position; and don't let him get off the parenting train cheaply. He is acting entitled, it is fine for you to foot the entire bill to support your child up to this point, but he wants to get off scott free. So what if he calls you a bad person, you aren't and he is just vomitting up a series of words, they dont have to mean anything to you. Only you can ascribe any value to what he says.

SingleM

FindingErica - Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. I feel like I'm already beginning to see him in a more logical manner. I can't let my emotions compromise my son's best interest - you are absolutely right.

I don't think that I had a case for abandonment, though. He isn't on the birth certificate so he always would have been able to come back and say he never knew, or when I show the text messages I've saved regarding conversations of the pregnancy - he could say he didn't believe me? But either way, that is in the past. I do plan to talk to my lawyer as soon as my work schedule allows so that I can get some legal advice regarding all of this.

I am STRONG and I am BETTER THAN THIS. I once knew that and I faltered, but it's time to pick up the pieces... again. For good. I will not let my son down!!!

Thank you again, all of you, from the bottom of my heart. This is helping me think more clearly already. Feel free to post more thoughts or opinions though!! I'm willing to take anything you have to offer

FindingErica

Single M, sorry I sounded so alarmist last night. I am in the middle of a divorce with a man I have been married to for 18 years and he has pulled some manipulative nonsense I would never have expected. You sound like you are getting stronger. Life gets better

Faithlove

Welcome to SR!

You sound like a very strong woman! You've been raising your son alone so far. I know it's hard at times but it's sooooo much worse to try to raise a child with an addict. Cut this guy lose!

I agree with the above posters. Your son deserves support from his bio dad. Child support and visitation are two separate issues. He's not going to automatically get visitation just because he starts paying child support. Also, a person can be awarded visitation even if they're not paying, or are behind in, child support.

I don't know your financial situation but you may want to check into state assistance for your child. Then, the state will go after him for child support.

Stop worrying about him and if the timing is right for him. He's a big boy. He decided to participate in the act of conception; now he can take some responsibility. He also decided to participate in the act(s) of the crime(s) he committed.

The photos he has of you are very likely not relevant to a child custody case. Sending sexual photos (which I'm assuming these are) is not a factor in determining fitness of a parent, unless the child has access to these pictures, but your child is only a year old. If you can talk to an attorney, that would be best. But, don't think that he has power over you just because he has these pictures of you. They honestly shouldn't be allowed in as evidence.

Oh, also, if you feel your apartment isn't suitable, you may want to seek assistance from HUD or maybe income based housing (again, I don't know your financial situation). Because having a suitable place for the child to live is very relevant to a custody case.

Good luck and stay strong! You and your son deserve so much more!!!

outtolunch

Print your own words and post them where you can see them, every day.

Don't worry about prior pictures. No one ever died of embarassment.

Now about obtaining that court order for child support.....Fight for your child.

marusea

im very sorry for you and what your going thru...im gonna be honest and yr not gonna like what im going to say. you and your child dont need this mess. u say you love him but do you love him enough to let him ruin your life and your childs life? he is nothing but bad news, he doesnt work, he's a convict ,he's an addict etc etc all bad things. he is also playng you and you know that its just too painfull for you to admit it. he doesnt care about your child sweetheart, im very sorry to say this but he doesnt care. i have a daughter, she is 1 and a half, her daddy is a "recovering" heroin addict. i know what im talking about. you need to get away from him, talk to a lawyer about child support dont let him get away with anything. try and keep yourself and the baby safe,and most important try not to talk to him anymore. if you talk to him, he will manipulate you,wreck your head, you will be an emotional disaster and it will afect your baby. you will become impatient with yr baby and you will lose sleep at night because of all the worries an addict comes with. please dont get back with him....

Faithlove

This made me smile because it is absolutely true! I need to remember it. Thanks, OTL!

SingleM

Wow, you all are just so wonderful that I could cry

FindingErica - No worries! You did sound alarmed but it really opened my eyes to things I had not thought about, so I am grateful. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. The manipulation really does come out of left field! I hope that you are staying strong also, because these men CANNOT break us if we don't let them.

Faithlove - Thank you so much for the kind words and advice! It is nice to hear - my friends have told me lately how strong I am, but they don't know I've been in contact with him so I feel even lower. But I did stand up for myself and I feel myself thinking more clearly already. I must be stronger than I think!! You are absolutely right about the child support. And my apartment I should say is suitable enough. I'm not risking my son's well-being, but I suppose my concerns would be another novel that would mostly end in "SingleM, you are paranoid!" (That is what my friends and family tell me)

outtolunch - Thank you, those are good words to print And I think it's time to take on the attitude I had when I left him. He was heavily threatening to blackmail me with those pictures and I realized it would be a short-lived humiliating experience. My son will be better off because as you all say, he deserves what is rightfully his!

marusea - Thank you veyr much for your honesty. Perhaps if you told me that a week or a month ago, I would have been upset by it. But you are absolutely right. He doesn't care, and my problem is that I take that personally!! He doesn't have the ability to feel feelings, all he knows to feel is the "bliss" of the high he craves which numbs any real feelings he ever had! I am so sorry to hear your situation. Despite these past 2 months, I have always been so very thankful that I left him before I found out I was pregnant. And I can't ever let myself forget that. I know what you are going through because I went through that before I was a mother. I hope that things get easier for you if they haven't already. We can't let these men destroy us or our precious children.


Thank you all again, so much!!!! Much love to you all :-)

SingleM

Oh and also, he texted me today. He says he is going to rehab tomorrow on a court order. I'm not sure what to think of this. I mean I know him well enough to know it won't work for him. Never did before and I know how he works. What I need to do is block his number, because I know he will be super apologetic like the last time he got out. (Back when I was strong enough to say "Thank you, best of luck" and leave it at that). But I guess I haven't reached the point where I am strong enough to block his number. :-\