Need a reality check!!
 

My husband is an addict! And I am codependent! Not a very healthy combination.

We both started working on our recoveries a few months ago. He relapsed and I had no idea. With his relapse, came more lies and manipulation to protect his addiction.

He detoxed again, which wasn't too bad because he hadn't been using much or that long. I did not enable him through it!! He claims he started to have doubts that he was truly an addict. He tested out "one is too many and a thousand is never enough" and found out YES, he is an addict and that statement holds true for him. Also, he struggled with the - never being able to drink again because drinking was not a problem for him. Yet, he had not drank and had no desire to. I don't understand that at all!

Anyway, he got very scared!! He surrounded himself with a strong support group and got a new tough sponsor because his former sponsor was really busy and worked out of town a lot. I see him reading his NA books, reading about spirituality, and writing in his steps note book. He is humble, remorseful and considerate to my feelings about it.

I told myself and others - that I would not ride the relapse, recovery roller coaster. I have made a plan B.

But now I am questioning it!! I am seeing my therapist today so that will help. My problem is the uncertainty of his disease and what the future holds. Living one day at time is not always easy!

Have you been going to meetings, found a sponsor and begun to journal about your recovery? I ask because if you want to see change, it begins in your heart and with your actions.

For me, once I began doing those things, I slowly stopped obsessing about my son's addiction and began paying attention to my own feelings. When I was having an "off" day, I learned how to take pause and look at why I was feeling that way and then how I could turn it back into a good day, as all days should be. Reading Codependent No More helped me understand why I was the way I was and started me journaling every day.

His recovery may or may not work for him. None of us has any power over whether our loved one will make it, or whether they will relapse again.

But we do have power over ourselves, and for me, finding meetings and learning to work 12 steps that literally saved my life, was the only way to regain my balance and prepare for days ahead. Today, many years later, I still have daily recovery routines that are as important to me as brushing my teeth.

You have made a Plan B, and can make a C, D and E if need be. You don't have to do anything until you are ready and comfortable that it is the right thing for you. As someone wisely told me a long time ago..."doing nothing is an action too, sometimes it's exactly what we need to do before we do anything".

Good luck with your therapist too. I hope that helps you through this.

Hugs

Thank you Ann for the reminder about "doing nothing!"

I have been attending alanon meetings, seeing a therapist, and I am also doing Untangling Relationships with a woman's coda group that I love.

I have a long ways to go but I know I am on the right path.

Yes indeed, you sound like you are. When we are ready the answers will come.

Hugs

One of my friends told me today (she's also a DV advocate at our local shelter) that when we're in situations like this, we should not be making decisions. She suggested asking what a rational person would do. I told her that I gratuitously forget everything "bad" that AH has done to me, our marriage, kids, etc., so I can't even figure out what a rational person would do. I suggested talking to her or my best friend, people who won't forget everything that's happended, and seeking their advice, and then waiting before making decisions.

I reconciled because I wasn't patient and I was selfish. I wanted my husband back. But, it's not really him and I see that now. They will always be addicts. Maybe you should give your recovery some more time before mixing in your AH/RAH?

Living MORE than one day at a time is ALWAYS hard. Living one day at a time IS what makes that problem of yours small and manageable. Do not worry about the future or all the risks. Do not dwell on the past or all the regrets.

Concentrate on what is before you today, this hour, this minute. Take my "Make Sense" test. What is that sight, sound, smell, savor or sensation that I am experiencing right now? Take in exactly what one or more of the Five Senses is experiencing. In full HD! That is living in the Now, carpe diem.

Or take the "What Am I Doing Right Now?" test. For example, I am driving my children at 60 mph on the freeway, I am being careful with all this traffic and this sunshine streaming through my windshield, I am headed in the right direction with a silly song playing on one of the kids' CDs, and there is no A in the car upsetting me. I am not in the past or the future. I am living ODAT.

And remember, there are two days of the year that don't matter: yesterday, and tomorrow.

Peace. :)