Telling the children
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Telling the children
Oh boy! A bad day for me but to cut a long story short...I ended up telling my 3 kids today that their dad has a lot of problems, including depression, problems with alcohol and drugs. I told them he has been getting help for his problems but that it will take time. Untill now XAHs 'problems' have been kept from them. He is a fairly functional addict, a good dad, holds down a job and, when he does see them, he's fun and playful. I'm not sure if he is still getting help for his addictions but hope he is.
13yo son was pretty upset. Not just about the problems but about being lied to. He wants more information but I was able to delay by saying I would talk with him without the younger kids (8 & 10) there. My question is how much to tell him?
I'm conflicted because I Want my kids to a good relationship with their father. I think it's important for them. I don't want to be the cause of problems in their relationship. XAH did not want me to tell them.
I told them because when he brought them back after an outing we had an argument, he got angry because I said something about him having his new gf with him everytime he has the kids. I know, none of my business but really, we only separated 3 months ago and for the last month the gf has been with them every time he's had the kids. It's too soon for them. He started getting angry and I asked him to leave. He started throwing things that I had said to him that he felt hurt by. The kids were upset with me that I had said these things and I had to explain some of the context, hence discussion of dads problems. The talk started in a separate room from where the kids were but he started raising his voice so they heard the latter bit of the argument.
I'm so sick of dealing with him. I feel quite detached usually but today has taken it out of me.
13yo son was pretty upset. Not just about the problems but about being lied to. He wants more information but I was able to delay by saying I would talk with him without the younger kids (8 & 10) there. My question is how much to tell him?
I'm conflicted because I Want my kids to a good relationship with their father. I think it's important for them. I don't want to be the cause of problems in their relationship. XAH did not want me to tell them.
I told them because when he brought them back after an outing we had an argument, he got angry because I said something about him having his new gf with him everytime he has the kids. I know, none of my business but really, we only separated 3 months ago and for the last month the gf has been with them every time he's had the kids. It's too soon for them. He started getting angry and I asked him to leave. He started throwing things that I had said to him that he felt hurt by. The kids were upset with me that I had said these things and I had to explain some of the context, hence discussion of dads problems. The talk started in a separate room from where the kids were but he started raising his voice so they heard the latter bit of the argument.
I'm so sick of dealing with him. I feel quite detached usually but today has taken it out of me.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
If your 13 year old wants to know more information, share it with him. He has every right to be angry and distrustful with you. He has every right to hate his dad right now. It's a bombshell you have just dropped, but you're doing the right thing by telling them. There is nothing worse than being kept in the dark about WHY the turmoil your family is experiencing is happening. You probably haven't shielded your children from anything despite what you may think, kids perceive a lot more than people seem to think. They might act fine and go about their merry way, but inside there is generally a lot more going on. I know I believed I had to pretend or act like what was going on didn't bother me, even though I didn't understand what exactly was going on, because I was too afraid to bring it up in my family setting. I'm sure all three of your kids have known for a very long time that something was wrong in the family, that there was always some sort of tension in the air. I'm sure they've eaves dropped on your fights before and I'm sure they know when to lay low and when to speak up. By finally explaining the situation to them, you've probably made them feel better believe it or not, because now they finally know and they don't have to pretend anymore if you allow yourself to be open to them about it.
Take from the child of an addict who never had it explained to him and he had to come up with it all on his own -- there is nothing more lonely and confusing than addiction to a child.
Take from the child of an addict who never had it explained to him and he had to come up with it all on his own -- there is nothing more lonely and confusing than addiction to a child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Thank you both so much, I had tried to find your blog CO but couldn't. I had read these before but needed a reminder of how much to tell.
Jason, thanks so much, I really need some straight talking about this. Thanks for being so candid. Back to the kids...Sarah
Jason, thanks so much, I really need some straight talking about this. Thanks for being so candid. Back to the kids...Sarah
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
From Al-Anon literature:
"We may not want to think that our children know what is going on, but they often do know something is terribly wrong. Children have an amazing capacity for dealing with the truth. Shrouding the illness in mystery and lies is far more frightening than a down-to-earth talk about the disease of alcoholism."
"In explaining the disease to young children, it is helpful to compare it to a chronic illness that they know. We can point out that the alcoholic is sick anddoesn't mean all the things said [or done] while drinking. We should be careful to explain to our children that they are in no way responsible for the drinking and remind them that they are loved."
“In utter despair I reached out at my first Al-Anon meeting. ... I reached out hungrily for their 24 hour philosophy, and I learned, in a healthy and constructive way, to let go of a problem over which I was completely powerless. Gradually, as this wonderful philosophy of love and understanding seeped through, I became aware of the change in my children. I could now give them the emotional energy I had been wasting in trying to sober up my husband. They responded like flowers to water – they started to blossom. Looking back, I realize the ideal way they received Al-Anon. They received it, not by my trying to teach or preach, but through the power of example. Because of Al-Anon, I was able to answer the children’s questions as they arose, normally and truthfully, without alarm or evasion. They copied my way of accepting their father as someone with an illness. Thank God, Al-Anon gave us a wholesome way. We were then able to resolve the problems handed us, or we learned to live with them. Here is one of the miracles that happened without me being aware of it. When the children and I accepted his alcoholism as a disease and we did something about our own life, he started to accept A.A. ... The children went on their new way, with school, friends, activities, and fun – which is every child’s inherent right. They were living in a house without fear. I had been exposed to the courage, strength and hope of Al-Anon.”
"We may not want to think that our children know what is going on, but they often do know something is terribly wrong. Children have an amazing capacity for dealing with the truth. Shrouding the illness in mystery and lies is far more frightening than a down-to-earth talk about the disease of alcoholism."
"In explaining the disease to young children, it is helpful to compare it to a chronic illness that they know. We can point out that the alcoholic is sick anddoesn't mean all the things said [or done] while drinking. We should be careful to explain to our children that they are in no way responsible for the drinking and remind them that they are loved."
“In utter despair I reached out at my first Al-Anon meeting. ... I reached out hungrily for their 24 hour philosophy, and I learned, in a healthy and constructive way, to let go of a problem over which I was completely powerless. Gradually, as this wonderful philosophy of love and understanding seeped through, I became aware of the change in my children. I could now give them the emotional energy I had been wasting in trying to sober up my husband. They responded like flowers to water – they started to blossom. Looking back, I realize the ideal way they received Al-Anon. They received it, not by my trying to teach or preach, but through the power of example. Because of Al-Anon, I was able to answer the children’s questions as they arose, normally and truthfully, without alarm or evasion. They copied my way of accepting their father as someone with an illness. Thank God, Al-Anon gave us a wholesome way. We were then able to resolve the problems handed us, or we learned to live with them. Here is one of the miracles that happened without me being aware of it. When the children and I accepted his alcoholism as a disease and we did something about our own life, he started to accept A.A. ... The children went on their new way, with school, friends, activities, and fun – which is every child’s inherent right. They were living in a house without fear. I had been exposed to the courage, strength and hope of Al-Anon.”
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
For years, our oldest daughter talked about how her dad had the "Bisease." I've always been open with the kids about his addiction. I want them to understand that the "bisease" makes dad do stupid, hurtful things.
Your kids have a heavy burden to carry--maybe for a long time. Ease the load by listening and validating their frustration, anger and hurt.
Ease your own load by making some clear rules about his visitation. If he is throwing things, he is probably using--at the least, he's not working a solid program. YOU have every right to ask for a drug test to show he is clean. Yes, it's a pain in the ass and yes he will be an a--hole about it, but YOUR PEACE OF MIND and your kids come FIRST.
My addict is out of the house right now. He doesn't want anything to do with me especially or the kids--luckily. But, he knows he must provide a clean drug screen and some tangible proof of a commitment to recovery before he can take our 10-year-old off this property.
If he is using, chances are good that the gf is using too. Now, more than ever, you have to put on your A game. I know it sucks and it is sooooo unfair. If you have even the slightest gut feeling the kids shouldn't be with him right now, trust it. Err on the side of caution.
He can't be the dad they need right now anyway. His main concern, if he is still using, is himself and his drugs.
One of the best things about active addicts is that they can be incredibly paranoid, stupid and lazy. I've bluffed so many times when it comes to legal stuff and he buys it more than he doesn't. I'll say something like "I've done some research and in this state, i have the legal responsibility to protect the kids from your addiction and emotional problems. I've consulted an attorney friend and he/she says I have the right to require a drug screen when you come to pick up the kids." --this isn't a bluff
BUT you can add--if you need to diffuse his anger... "I feel just lousy about asking you to do this. But, apparently, I can get charged with neglect if I allow the kids off the property and you are actively using." OR "I hate to ask, but my attorney insists I see a drug screen....yadda yadda... if not Children's Services may have to check out our visitation situation because you have admitted to drug and alcohol addiction in the past."
He will prob get pissed and mouth off but no Addict wants anything close to a gov. "official" or attorney looking into his life.
It's kinda fun when you get the hang of it.
You are strong!!! Do what you need to take care of you and the kids.
Your kids have a heavy burden to carry--maybe for a long time. Ease the load by listening and validating their frustration, anger and hurt.
Ease your own load by making some clear rules about his visitation. If he is throwing things, he is probably using--at the least, he's not working a solid program. YOU have every right to ask for a drug test to show he is clean. Yes, it's a pain in the ass and yes he will be an a--hole about it, but YOUR PEACE OF MIND and your kids come FIRST.
My addict is out of the house right now. He doesn't want anything to do with me especially or the kids--luckily. But, he knows he must provide a clean drug screen and some tangible proof of a commitment to recovery before he can take our 10-year-old off this property.
If he is using, chances are good that the gf is using too. Now, more than ever, you have to put on your A game. I know it sucks and it is sooooo unfair. If you have even the slightest gut feeling the kids shouldn't be with him right now, trust it. Err on the side of caution.
He can't be the dad they need right now anyway. His main concern, if he is still using, is himself and his drugs.
One of the best things about active addicts is that they can be incredibly paranoid, stupid and lazy. I've bluffed so many times when it comes to legal stuff and he buys it more than he doesn't. I'll say something like "I've done some research and in this state, i have the legal responsibility to protect the kids from your addiction and emotional problems. I've consulted an attorney friend and he/she says I have the right to require a drug screen when you come to pick up the kids." --this isn't a bluff
BUT you can add--if you need to diffuse his anger... "I feel just lousy about asking you to do this. But, apparently, I can get charged with neglect if I allow the kids off the property and you are actively using." OR "I hate to ask, but my attorney insists I see a drug screen....yadda yadda... if not Children's Services may have to check out our visitation situation because you have admitted to drug and alcohol addiction in the past."
He will prob get pissed and mouth off but no Addict wants anything close to a gov. "official" or attorney looking into his life.
It's kinda fun when you get the hang of it.
You are strong!!! Do what you need to take care of you and the kids.
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