Do I have to make him choose
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Do I have to make him choose
I posted earlier how I just found out my boyfriend the love of my life possibly has a drug problem. I was mad and sad at first because my other family members are also addicts. I was going to make him choose me or the drugs. But I took a nap after work today and had a dream and I think dreams help sort out our problems in our waking lives. I have decided I am going to make him choose me I am going to tell him drug are not an option and I am going to be there to clean him up. I'm not willing to cut my losses, he's my best friend, the great love of my life, and I know drugs change a person. But I can be strong for him, and I want to be there. I probably sound stupid or I don't know what I'm getting into or how drugs change a person, I know, if I loose him I loose my family. Him and my sister are my only family... And his mom and dad treat me as their daughter. Anyways my question is that I don't have to make him choose do I?? And another thing his parents have no idea and I can't tell them they lost their younger son 3 years ago in a car crash his mom can't handle loosing her son to drugs
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You are the one who has to choose, hon. I'm sorry, but you cannot make him choose one or the other. If he is addicted, the drugs will win every time.
You have to decide what you want for your life.
You have to decide what you want for your life.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by suki44883 
You are the one who has to choose, hon. I'm sorry, but you cannot make him choose one or the other. If he is addicted, the drugs will win every time.
You have to decide what you want for your life.
You have to decide what you want for your life.
If you do confront him, I think this is what is most likely to go down:
He'll get defensive, you'll get upset then meek... you'll fight and make up. He'll swear to stop, you'll believe him and then find yourself back here in a few months, heartbroken b'c you've found out that he's been lying.
You have the only choice to be made here, I think. And it's the choice of staying and risking it all, or going on to live your life and if/when he gives up the drug, maybe you two have a chance at working together. If he's on drugs, he won't stop them just b'c you ask him to choose you. You'll get hurt and insecure, and he'll still be on drugs.
(not going into my own story, but after 8 years I finally realized that nothing I did or said could make another change their mind when it comes to them being ready to face quitting a drug/alcohol habit. it'd be great to see someone else get off of that path long before i did, it was a waste of 8 youthful years of my life. and it ended with him cheating on me b'c i was getting too inquisitive whenever he'd go out - said i drove him to cheat b'c other girl didn't ask "those" questions. lol.)
I'm so sorry this is happening, I hope you can find/make a happy ending.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Forgot to address his loss. Could you introduce the idea of counseling since he lost his brother a few years ago? Is he possibly using to kill the pain of that loss?
Also, I understand about your connection and not wanting to walk away from helping him. Me & my x (still consider him to be the one true love in my life) still have daily phone talks, he's still one of my best friends and I am still his. We have a different type of love now and I'm not wrapped up in his choices like I used to be. We haven't lived together for many years and we aren't tied romantically at all. I choose to leave it open ended, even tho sometimes that is so hard, b'c I don't want to see him lonely or scared. But, the difference is that now he is on his own, dealing with the harsh consequences. And still has me as a friend who he can trust to share his f-ups and triumphs, and in the past few years, he's made some incredible changes for the better. I'm really proud of him now. I feel that him having to face some scary stuff on his own forced him to make his own choices to change. Neither one of us has dated anyone else since each other, except the girl he cheated on me with but he dropped her shortly after I left him. He's still working on his issues too. I guess what I'm saying is that you can still love and care about his well being, but from a distance big enough that you don't get sucked into the dark vortex every time he chooses the drug over you. B'c honestly, that crap chipped away at my self esteem so much that I barely recognized myself when I finally walked away. I'm still rebuilding and I still see a lot of personal repair ahead.
Again, I'm sorry. I wish there was an easy way out. Keep yourself together and take good care of yourself. And continue reading. You'll be OK.
Also, I understand about your connection and not wanting to walk away from helping him. Me & my x (still consider him to be the one true love in my life) still have daily phone talks, he's still one of my best friends and I am still his. We have a different type of love now and I'm not wrapped up in his choices like I used to be. We haven't lived together for many years and we aren't tied romantically at all. I choose to leave it open ended, even tho sometimes that is so hard, b'c I don't want to see him lonely or scared. But, the difference is that now he is on his own, dealing with the harsh consequences. And still has me as a friend who he can trust to share his f-ups and triumphs, and in the past few years, he's made some incredible changes for the better. I'm really proud of him now. I feel that him having to face some scary stuff on his own forced him to make his own choices to change. Neither one of us has dated anyone else since each other, except the girl he cheated on me with but he dropped her shortly after I left him. He's still working on his issues too. I guess what I'm saying is that you can still love and care about his well being, but from a distance big enough that you don't get sucked into the dark vortex every time he chooses the drug over you. B'c honestly, that crap chipped away at my self esteem so much that I barely recognized myself when I finally walked away. I'm still rebuilding and I still see a lot of personal repair ahead.
Again, I'm sorry. I wish there was an easy way out. Keep yourself together and take good care of yourself. And continue reading. You'll be OK.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
It's not really a choice if you are taking all but one option off the table. You are trying to control him and it sounds like it is due to fears relating to past losses. Unfortunately, you can not control him. You can choose to live with an addict or not love with an addict. If you present a choice to him, you or the drugs, are you prepared to back that up with action, it sounds like you are not willing to back it up by leaving. Al anon or Nar anon can help but I really think some good therapy might help you work on releasing past hurts so they don't affect today.
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Originally Posted by Crispywhisper
I posted earlier how I just found out my boyfriend the love of my life possibly has a drug problem. I was mad and sad at first because my other family members are also addicts. I was going to make him choose me or the drugs. But I took a nap after work today and had a dream and I think dreams help sort out our problems in our waking lives. I have decided I am going to make him choose me I am going to tell him drug are not an option and I am going to be there to clean him up. I'm not willing to cut my losses, he's my best friend, the great love of my life, and I know drugs change a person. But I can be strong for him, and I want to be there. I probably sound stupid or I don't know what I'm getting into or how drugs change a person, I know, if I loose him I loose my family. Him and my sister are my only family... And his mom and dad treat me as their daughter. Anyways my question is that I don't have to make him choose do I?? And another thing his parents have no idea and I can't tell them they lost their younger son 3 years ago in a car crash his mom can't handle loosing her son to drugs
You can't control him that way, or any way. You, myself, everyone on the board...we are powerless over a loved one's addiction. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. The only thing that we can control is our own behavior and what our boundaries are.
He has to want recovery for himself. Not for you, for him. And if he chooses recovery, he's in for a long haul. If he's the love of your life, then you have to allow him the dignity to make his own choices and mistakes.
I would encourage you to find a local Nar Anon/Al Anon meeting. You are where all of us were at one point or another, thinking that we can't control the addict or force the addict to stop using. That's not how it works. And if you try, I can guarantee you that you will end up as sick as he is, but in a different way. And that's not a good place to be.
You have come to a wonderful place, and there are amongst addicts who have found recovery. They post quite often, and they are brutally honest about themselves and what they've had to go through to get better. Pay attention to what they have to say.
Please take care of yourself.
Good Night,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 52
Sorry I'm stuck on your thread. Guess it reminds me of where I wish I'd begun!
I wanted to add that one reason it's so important for him to come to his quitting on his own, is that when he decides that his life is better for himself w/o drugs/alc, it is best if he brought that set of reasons to himself.
Quitting for another steals power from the user. Plus, I don't want credit for giving another person solutions for their life. He needs to know that he alone made the decision to give up drugs, and he holds the power of his choices. That is where his true power for his healthy future will root. If your boyfriend's source of power becomes you, then what happens if you two don't work out? What happens if he starts again after a few years and babies, etc? He needs the gift of responsibility at this point.
He needs to be proud and at peace within himself in order for him to connect completely with a life w/o drugs/alcohol. And he could grow to resent you if he's still in pain, not ready to be off of his drugs, and you're there trying to keep him in check, trying to live a normal life with him.
Your topic really touched some point in me!
Anyway, hope you can find some answers and can feel good again soon. Very sucky situation and I wish you both the best.
I wanted to add that one reason it's so important for him to come to his quitting on his own, is that when he decides that his life is better for himself w/o drugs/alc, it is best if he brought that set of reasons to himself.
Quitting for another steals power from the user. Plus, I don't want credit for giving another person solutions for their life. He needs to know that he alone made the decision to give up drugs, and he holds the power of his choices. That is where his true power for his healthy future will root. If your boyfriend's source of power becomes you, then what happens if you two don't work out? What happens if he starts again after a few years and babies, etc? He needs the gift of responsibility at this point.
He needs to be proud and at peace within himself in order for him to connect completely with a life w/o drugs/alcohol. And he could grow to resent you if he's still in pain, not ready to be off of his drugs, and you're there trying to keep him in check, trying to live a normal life with him.
Your topic really touched some point in me!
Anyway, hope you can find some answers and can feel good again soon. Very sucky situation and I wish you both the best.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
What a tragic situation for you.... there are brilliant posts here and read all the stickies. You have obviously had a lot of exposure to addiction. But have you ever considered seaking help for yourself??? I only learnt now (at the age of 38) how 'damaged' I was by my dad's alcoholism (and I loved my Dad and he was a stay at home dad) - but I was still so damaged... and then dealing with the love of my life with his cocaine addiction. It is imperative you seak help for yourself before you can even begin to make decisions like this.... Please read 'Co-dependent no more' by Melodie Betty...also join a support group - An-Anon if possible.
I understand the pain - and not wanting to lose your 'best friend' who also is very much part of your family base. It seems you have had a tragic childhood with much loss and suffering. You can't afford to 'lose' yourself any more than you already have in this deadly cycle of addiction. You are NOT able to 'rescue / save' your boyfriend. NO ONE On this planet can - only he can (if he choses) and God! So keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically - get professional support for yourself - and take it one day at a time.... The irony, is by your wanted to 'stick by' your boyfriend (and it seems at the cost of your own sanity and spiritual peace) then you will be doing the very worse thing for him - you will be contributing to his addiction. (I know - a tough one to hear - believe me - it has taken me months to get my head around this one). But the best thing you can do for you and your boyfriend - is to seek help for yourself. Focus on YOURSELF - Heal yourself - strengthen yourself body, mind and soul. Untwine yourself from your boyfriends every day mind and thinking and his disease. Detach with love. And take it slowly. You can still be part of his life - but until he seeks recovery - I would seriously considering 'withdrawing'. He will need the space and so will you. God bless you.
I understand the pain - and not wanting to lose your 'best friend' who also is very much part of your family base. It seems you have had a tragic childhood with much loss and suffering. You can't afford to 'lose' yourself any more than you already have in this deadly cycle of addiction. You are NOT able to 'rescue / save' your boyfriend. NO ONE On this planet can - only he can (if he choses) and God! So keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically - get professional support for yourself - and take it one day at a time.... The irony, is by your wanted to 'stick by' your boyfriend (and it seems at the cost of your own sanity and spiritual peace) then you will be doing the very worse thing for him - you will be contributing to his addiction. (I know - a tough one to hear - believe me - it has taken me months to get my head around this one). But the best thing you can do for you and your boyfriend - is to seek help for yourself. Focus on YOURSELF - Heal yourself - strengthen yourself body, mind and soul. Untwine yourself from your boyfriends every day mind and thinking and his disease. Detach with love. And take it slowly. You can still be part of his life - but until he seeks recovery - I would seriously considering 'withdrawing'. He will need the space and so will you. God bless you.
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