How do you let go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
How do you let go?
I have read all the stickys on this site and others but there is no specific suggestions. My AS has been blowing up my phone all weekend either leaving me messages that he needs a new phone to messages now that I am not there for him when he needs to talk. I just text him back and said there was nothing I could do for him ...my only advice is he seek help. He has never been in a real rehab or even program at this point ..he will be 25 in December
I had been doing good with no contact at all but then I messed up I didn't read the board and my mother has let him live with her instead of in his car as I suggested and was emailing me over the chaos.
He continues to say he is clean yet I don't believe him he is up all night still and up early. I have read that could be a sign he is clean but I also know it was a sign he is using. I live states away so all I have to go by is his voice and my gut and I suspect he is not clean. However I realize I can't put my life on hold anymore and need to let go.
How is my question? Do I just ignore him? Do I tell him I need a break? Do I tell him I am letting go? Do I talk to him but say very little? I just wish I knew what to do or not to do...what to say or not to say ...it's all very draining
I had been doing good with no contact at all but then I messed up I didn't read the board and my mother has let him live with her instead of in his car as I suggested and was emailing me over the chaos.
He continues to say he is clean yet I don't believe him he is up all night still and up early. I have read that could be a sign he is clean but I also know it was a sign he is using. I live states away so all I have to go by is his voice and my gut and I suspect he is not clean. However I realize I can't put my life on hold anymore and need to let go.
How is my question? Do I just ignore him? Do I tell him I need a break? Do I tell him I am letting go? Do I talk to him but say very little? I just wish I knew what to do or not to do...what to say or not to say ...it's all very draining
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, me, I would just continue total no contact. He will just ignore your request for him to give you a break and by staying no contact eventually he will get the message that you are letting go.
People who are in throws of active addiction, want what they want, when they want it and they will continue to manipulate others, over and over again to get their way.
IMO, you need to keep your resolve...not just for you...but, for him as well.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
People who are in throws of active addiction, want what they want, when they want it and they will continue to manipulate others, over and over again to get their way.
IMO, you need to keep your resolve...not just for you...but, for him as well.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
Thanks Dolly this certainly is very difficult ...to say the least ...it does help to hear everyone elses story...I just keep thinking maybe I haven't done enough...since I am so far away and all...the fact I sold my car to get him a lawyer, just paid 600 in fines so he could keep his license, paid half his rend for 6 months and bought him a car so he could find a job which he never got ...apparently seems to be the norm ...why do I think I haven't done enough ..well because through all that even the arrest he hasn't been in rehab not even once arrested 3 times for drug offenses he is even on probabtion and do you know the court has not once tested him ...why I don't know other than the fact he looks like a clean cut college kid which he is not ...very frustrating I can tell you that maybe his recovery will be a 2 step plan jail then rehab I am thinking ...so I wait
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Schab33, my heart is with you. Please continue to read the boards and the stickies. Sadly, your situation with your AS is what I have come to call "garden variety addict behavior."
I can share what helped me with my 27 yo AS. Granted this ability to build boundaries and strength took years.
I stopped giving him cash money 5 years ago. I stopped helping him with groceries 1 year ago. I stopped bailing him out of financial messes (bounced checks, tuition payments for programs he would drop) 1 year ago.
2 years ago I told him I would walk away from him and be gone for a long time if he ever ranted and raged at me again. He has not done so. But, I have cut off phone conversations when I detected he was gearing up.
I cut off his phone in August (and received ranting emails asking why as if he were entitled to the phone...of course he rarely called ME on the phone).
It's hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. But, the peace of mind letting go has done for me has saved ME.
with compassion,
peaceandgrace
I can share what helped me with my 27 yo AS. Granted this ability to build boundaries and strength took years.
I stopped giving him cash money 5 years ago. I stopped helping him with groceries 1 year ago. I stopped bailing him out of financial messes (bounced checks, tuition payments for programs he would drop) 1 year ago.
2 years ago I told him I would walk away from him and be gone for a long time if he ever ranted and raged at me again. He has not done so. But, I have cut off phone conversations when I detected he was gearing up.
I cut off his phone in August (and received ranting emails asking why as if he were entitled to the phone...of course he rarely called ME on the phone).
It's hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. But, the peace of mind letting go has done for me has saved ME.
with compassion,
peaceandgrace
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Schab
There isn't enough "enough" for us to do that could save them from themselves. We can try for enough our entire lives and it's not enough because it is out of our hands.
The only way I could detach from my son was to say a prayer and give his care to God.
From what you posted it sounds like he is leaving messages and trying to get through to you to tell you what he needs, what he wants, and to belittle you. That kind of behaviour deserves no response and I would tell him not to call until he can be respectful and not ask for anything. If/when he is clean, he will "get" that and be respectful if he wants to talk to you. If he is using, there isn't enough "enough" to please him anyway and it only drags you into the darkness of addiction with him.
Nobody "needs" to text. We all managed to communicate long before cell phones, Iphones and Smartphones. He can send you a letter or call once a week to let you know how he is doing. If he is at your mother's, I hope she has locked up her valuables and hides her bank cards and keys. Sorry to say, having an active addict in the house means losing any valuables that can be traded for drugs.
My heart goes out to you because I know this is hard, I've been there. Just decide what feels right for you and stick to it. You can do it, really you can.
Hugs
There isn't enough "enough" for us to do that could save them from themselves. We can try for enough our entire lives and it's not enough because it is out of our hands.
The only way I could detach from my son was to say a prayer and give his care to God.
From what you posted it sounds like he is leaving messages and trying to get through to you to tell you what he needs, what he wants, and to belittle you. That kind of behaviour deserves no response and I would tell him not to call until he can be respectful and not ask for anything. If/when he is clean, he will "get" that and be respectful if he wants to talk to you. If he is using, there isn't enough "enough" to please him anyway and it only drags you into the darkness of addiction with him.
Nobody "needs" to text. We all managed to communicate long before cell phones, Iphones and Smartphones. He can send you a letter or call once a week to let you know how he is doing. If he is at your mother's, I hope she has locked up her valuables and hides her bank cards and keys. Sorry to say, having an active addict in the house means losing any valuables that can be traded for drugs.
My heart goes out to you because I know this is hard, I've been there. Just decide what feels right for you and stick to it. You can do it, really you can.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Schab)) - I'm both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones who are/were A's. What ((Ann)) said is right...there just isn't "enough" to get an A clean.
I chose recovery because my loved ones allowed me the dignity of living my life...jail, homelessness, prostitution, etc. I dug a really deep hole, and they allowed me to do it and to figure a way OUT of the hole.
I'm still working on "consequences" at 5-1/2 years into recovery. I have the support of my loved ones because my ACTIONS say "recovery" even though they really know little of addiction/recovery...they know I'm different and in a good way.
Keep reading and posting here. Even though I know addiction inside and out, it took me time....and numerous hours on this forum, to realize that it doesn't matter what I know. An A will do what an A will do, and all the love in the world won't change it. I learned it's okay to let go, I learned that it's okay to take care of ME, and though I still slip and slide into codie-land, I don't stay there long because I know I can come here and get re-grounded. Reading posts like yours does that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I chose recovery because my loved ones allowed me the dignity of living my life...jail, homelessness, prostitution, etc. I dug a really deep hole, and they allowed me to do it and to figure a way OUT of the hole.
I'm still working on "consequences" at 5-1/2 years into recovery. I have the support of my loved ones because my ACTIONS say "recovery" even though they really know little of addiction/recovery...they know I'm different and in a good way.
Keep reading and posting here. Even though I know addiction inside and out, it took me time....and numerous hours on this forum, to realize that it doesn't matter what I know. An A will do what an A will do, and all the love in the world won't change it. I learned it's okay to let go, I learned that it's okay to take care of ME, and though I still slip and slide into codie-land, I don't stay there long because I know I can come here and get re-grounded. Reading posts like yours does that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Ann 
Schab
If he is at your mother's, I hope she has locked up her valuables and hides her bank cards and keys. Sorry to say, having an active addict in the house means losing any valuables that can be traded for drugs.
My heart goes out to you because I know this is hard, I've been there. Just decide what feels right for you and stick to it. You can do it, really you can.
Hugs
If he is at your mother's, I hope she has locked up her valuables and hides her bank cards and keys. Sorry to say, having an active addict in the house means losing any valuables that can be traded for drugs.
My heart goes out to you because I know this is hard, I've been there. Just decide what feels right for you and stick to it. You can do it, really you can.
Hugs
Tonight he was calling and texting because he and his girlfriend have gotten back together and he wanted to rent a hotel room so he wanted my credit card! This afternoon he was calling non stop because he wants me to order him a new phone! I did text him that perhaps he should work and pay for it himself. I ignored all the calls . He too threatens suicide not as often as he used to though since I did call the cops but when they talked to him they felt he was not a threat to himself. So he doesn't do that too often anymore especially now since he is out on bail. I am trying very hard to stop being co-dependant and enableing ...he lived with my Mom a year ago and stole everything then so she is aware of locking everything up and not keeping cash in the house.
I finally did talk her into going to some meetings and now she has gone to 2 and I am encourged she will continue. Ya see I lived with a man for about 3 years who was an addict he relapsed the last year and I did everything I could to "save" him I was a wreck keeping him alive was killing me I finally let him go and it was the hardest thing I ever did because 3 weeks later he was dead ...the night before his death he had emailed called begging me to come back into his life he was afraid ...I did talk to him briefly in the morning I told him I would come for him after work and take him home ...he overdosed before I got out of work...it has taken me the past 5 years to get over that and stop blaming myself ..and now my son ..what did I do I packed up and moved states away because I just couldn't watch someone else I love kill themselves with this lifestyle ...I don't ask why honestly because there is no answer in my opinion...I just pray my AS will get in program he hasn't been in any and I honestly don't know if he would even know where to go for help..although I have mailed him information I am sure he can figure it out...I love him very much this is all very hard but I have to do this I feel it is his only hope
Read more: So exactly how do you let go?
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