Hi New Here
 

Hi all,
I am so glad to have found this forum, though reading your wise words has given me a new perspective to everything, one that I know I need to have even though its hard.

I am in a relationship with a recovering (now) heroin & meth addict (H is DOC). I knew this when we first met, she had been in recovery for a few months, after 12 years of H use. Being a former addict (coke for about a year about 18 years ago, alcohol binger)and otherwise saddled with my own mental health issues, I thought "no problem, I can do this with her, I get it, I've been there". Well a 1.5 years later, and she just got out of the hospital after relapsing for about a month. She got a MRSA infection in her lungs/bloodstream and was in there for 6 weeks. I had no idea she had relapsed (I chalked her grumpiness and moodiness up to other things) until I found a text message in her phone the day we went to the ER. Long story short, she was lying to me about everything (obviously) for over a month, taking money from my bank account, etc etc etc. Needless to say after she was out of the woods physically from the infection, I was left shocked, sad, angry, felt a fool, and literally lost. She has been home for about a month, went back to daily outpatient, and is going to meetings again. However, two weeks after she got out, i caught her needle in hand trying to shoot meth. WTF>???? Almost dying didn't scare you?? anyway - I know, I know.

We have a very open relationship about all of this, and I have told her I am in this for the "long haul". But these last few weeks I'm really realizing what the "long haul" is....the rest of my, our, lives. Especially with H, i know it is a special beast. I have started to go to al-anon (not very many Nar-anon mtgs in my area) but am wondering everyday - can I do this?

I don't have any questions just yet but this - when/how did you all avoid the urge to snoop (checking texts, etc.) after your eyes were opened? And how to have loving distance....how can I distance myself without affecting the rest of our wonderful (when she is not in active addiction) relationship?

I know some say I should run now, but I'm not at that point yet. I'm not going to walk away. I know everyone's breaking point is different, and I haven't reached mine yet.

Tangerinepuddle,
Thank you for your post. I am so sorry you are facing this and I totally respect where you are and your desire to stick it out. I stayed with my AH as well. He is currently in recovery and doing really well, actually. The only difference, I suppose, between you and me is that I did not know my husband was using until he decided to tell me out of the blue and asked for help. Talk about a shock. So with that in mind, I can't imagine how hard it must be to KNOW she's using (catching her with the needle, lung infection, etc) and actually attempt to have some sense of normalcy for yourself? You are definitely in a unique situation as you will find many, many of us (most of us) were lied to, deceived, completely oblivious to what was going on. Once you know....all you can really do is set some really clear boundaries and stick to them. For me, I simply can not live in a house (i have children too---with my husband of course) with an active addict. Never. Too much chaos, too many risks, so many things could happen. I mean, drugs are in your house? That would scare me....it did scare me when I found out. Protect yourself. Love her, but set some safe boundaries and stick to them. Hugs to you!

I just want to welcome you and hope you find some wisdom and comfort here.

Only you can decide if you want to stay or go, but buckle yourself in because it's likely to be a long and rough ride.

Please be careful as your own sobriety may be at risk. You wouldn't be the first to get dragged down because you didn't let go.

Hugs

Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

FWIW, I'm what is considered a "double winner" - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).

SR has been a huge help to me in both my recoveries, though this forum is my home. I tried to "fix" the A's in my life and ended up using to get over the fact that I couldn't do it.

I suggest you read around on other posts, and the "stickies" - the posts at the top of the forum. You aren't alone, and that is a pretty wierd feeling..good and bad, but we are here to walk this through with you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

My sister and cousin are heroin addicts, so it's slightly different for me because I'm not romantically involved, nor do I live with them, but for me this behavior is usually an indicator that I've lost focus on my own recovery.

When I'm focusing on me, staying strong and focused on my recovery, working my own therapy exercises, and maintaining my boundaries, the desire to constantly check the "Who's in custody?" page, sift through any new Facebook contacts, read through text messages, etc. lessens *significantly*. I call it my "cruising altitude" - those days where things are just clicking, I feel the serenity of detachment, I'm clear and driven. Naturally, there are other days where there's a whole lot of turbulence. It comes with the territory I guess.

Anyway, I guess my point is that by focusing on yourself and your own recovery, the answers about how to handle her addiction start to fall into place. They don't become easy, but the direction seems clear. There aren't really any steps you can take external to your own recovery that will magically make everything feel good, because the idea that "everything is great except for the drug use" is deceptive in its own right.

I know how painful it is to love someone in the throes of addiction, we all do. Keep posting, it helps! :hug:

Welcome to SR. But I am sorry for what brings you here. Please, please take of YOU. Don't get enmeshed in her addiction. I will take you down faster then you can count to 10.

Fear, obligation and guilt kept me from making healthy choices for my life. I was in such denial and a fog. I pray you continue to seek help and support!

The long haul, what an understatement that is when speaking of addiction.
While H is a special beast, meth isn’t any cake walk.

Can you do this???

What are you doing? And is what you are doing helping or hurting you and her?

Distance there will never be enough in the same room or out of it. Distractions they don’t tend to help or work either.
But there is one thing you can do, work on you, get healthy in your own right. Don’t take her using personal, don’t support her habit, don’t make excuses for her, don’t make any for yourself either, oh and no pity parties allowed … accept that she is an addict, accept that you can’t fix nor help her. Understand that you will be part of the problem or solution … enabling keeps you part of the problem helps keep you both sick. Seeking out help for yourself and educating yourself, well that put you on the solution side. Don’t buy the ********, don’t hide the truth. Love her as she is, and in it all you are going to have to ask yourself is this what you want from life…can you find peace and happiness living with someone in active addiction … living with someone in recovery . Oh and should there be a distinction?

thanks to you all so far
 

You are all so wise...and you are right, its a waste of time to snoop and check up on her...if she is using I will eventually know it, and if she's not, I will know that too. It's also counterproductive to everything - it just makes the addict feel like they are being policed, which in turn elicits irritation and anger...because it would in me.

I will focus more on me....and let it be what it is. BTW, the stickies at the top are great...I especially LOVE the powerful posts one.

-TP