As the World Turns.....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
As the World Turns.....
I have not posted in a while for a few reasons. I am not looking forward to the judgment, the passive/aggressive posts with a recap of what I have shared, and I believe my posts are being watched by my husband because he does not trust me now. (the irony). But more importantly, I do want to share with others - so maybe just one person can learn from my experience which IMO, is what this site was intended for.
My AH relapsed and I had no idea. He was still going to nightly meetings, working with his sponsor all while in active addiction for at least 3 weeks. He was even able to fool them so I was too easy. He supposedly came clean with his sponsor and NA friends but who really knows. I did notice he took off his key chains to just the white one. He has supposedly detoxed and is 10 days clean for today. He admits to not trusting himself at all and is scared. Maybe he is just not done but that is all up to him.
I was warned and I did not listen. I guess somewhere in my mind, I still felt MY addict was different. I really don't know.
For those of you who are having doubts about leaving or taking your newly recovered addict back.......please don't get in a false sense of security about NA meetings or any recovery programs. What my husband did is not uncommon.
Addiction (and codependency) is very cunning and baffling.
All I can say is I am working on me harder then ever. I am becoming stronger and working on my fear issues. I am staying focused on what I need to do.
I know God has a plan for me, I trust that with all my heart....now I just need to keep my head clear so I can hear HIM! Whatever it may be, I know he will hold my hand through it all. I am going to be OK!
My AH relapsed and I had no idea. He was still going to nightly meetings, working with his sponsor all while in active addiction for at least 3 weeks. He was even able to fool them so I was too easy. He supposedly came clean with his sponsor and NA friends but who really knows. I did notice he took off his key chains to just the white one. He has supposedly detoxed and is 10 days clean for today. He admits to not trusting himself at all and is scared. Maybe he is just not done but that is all up to him.
I was warned and I did not listen. I guess somewhere in my mind, I still felt MY addict was different. I really don't know.
For those of you who are having doubts about leaving or taking your newly recovered addict back.......please don't get in a false sense of security about NA meetings or any recovery programs. What my husband did is not uncommon.
Addiction (and codependency) is very cunning and baffling.
All I can say is I am working on me harder then ever. I am becoming stronger and working on my fear issues. I am staying focused on what I need to do.
I know God has a plan for me, I trust that with all my heart....now I just need to keep my head clear so I can hear HIM! Whatever it may be, I know he will hold my hand through it all. I am going to be OK!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Hey LovemeNOt thank you for sharing. I too find SR at times difficult - different opinions - as you say the passive / aggressive. And when you share your doubts, there is bound to be a member who will remind you of an earlier post - and tell you basically to just get on with it..I know when I first joined after been screamed at by my closest friend and everything else of 0ver 10 years to 'get the hell out of my life'. I truly believed that H was in recovery from cocaine addiction. He was doing and saying all the right things... and then wham bham out of the blue!!!! Members here told me to respect his wishes and basically walk! After 10 years?????? How????? Others warned he had probably relapsed. Well it is 3 months later - and he has definitely relapsed. Not just relapsed but seems to have change his DOC / or added to his range of drugs - crack cocaine! This is / once was a beautiful man - with soul, humour, courage, intelligence and a love for life... and I am watching (well not watching as I have no contact for last 3 months ) but hearing that he is losing it... and it is heartbreaking - and confusing! And the thing I hate the most - is when I first joined SR - I really too believed that it was not possible that every member who posted to my posts was right. I believed H was different. I believed that even in the event he had relapsed - I thought he would immediately go back into rehab, an get himself together, pick himself up, and keep on going... but how wrong I was. I believed I knew everything about addiction - I believed that yes, some people take crack cocaine - but not MY H - not in a million years! MY H is in a round about way clean living - he would NEVER stoop to that??? Dear God - how wrong I was. I hate the fact that everyone here on SR was right! That my H is following the horrific, progressive path of addiction. It shatters my soul! God bless you - and I pray you find some peace for yourself... that is all I can say. AS much as I want to pick up the phone, go to H, pick him up - I know I can't! Because his addiction will pull me down, and down into a dark place.... you and I and the other members here have been blessed with life - and 'non addiction'. Take these gifts and run - live your life to the fullest!!!!! I am so sorry!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Lovemenot…
You wrote nothing that isn’t normal in the madness.
And I know more than few will find this nuts, but he relapsed not a big deal.
Maybe he isn’t done but then I always see instances like these as a learning experience for both them and us. He will learn from this and it will give him a better chance to stay in recovery.
Oh and I will let you in on a secret meetings keep no one clean and in recovery on any side of the fence…and there is only one requirement a desire to change….it could be a desire to not use, but that misses the whole watching side of things. But it isn’t the going to, it is the work one is willing to do on themselves. To assign meetings as what keeps one clean or out of codie madness is insane, a person keeps themselves in recovery through their willingness to do something/anything…meetings are a tool, nothing more.
And I would change the view on not noticing him using. It isn’t yours, you shouldn’t have noticed. You should be taking care of you and leaving him to find his way. I didn’t see any relapses because frankly I wasn’t looking or in any mentality to care. I needed to work on me, I was more than enough of a problem to handle … and even if I did think hmmm he ain’t right I let him find that he wasn’t right. I find it makes more sense to me this way. And I really, really believe they can find their way, they aren‘t stupid, they know when they are their own worst enemy…even as we know as well when we are our own whether we admit it or not.
I am not sure about the warning stuff…this is addiction, addicts use, they relapse, they find recovery, they may screw it all up to repeat again maybe, hell maybe not. All to normal, not about them, remember this is about YOU.
I know I am way out of the box, and have to ask.
Where do you see yourself within it all?
And what do you know you need to do for you? Because that work you do on you is where all the sense to be found is.
Hang in there.
You wrote nothing that isn’t normal in the madness.
And I know more than few will find this nuts, but he relapsed not a big deal.
Maybe he isn’t done but then I always see instances like these as a learning experience for both them and us. He will learn from this and it will give him a better chance to stay in recovery.
Oh and I will let you in on a secret meetings keep no one clean and in recovery on any side of the fence…and there is only one requirement a desire to change….it could be a desire to not use, but that misses the whole watching side of things. But it isn’t the going to, it is the work one is willing to do on themselves. To assign meetings as what keeps one clean or out of codie madness is insane, a person keeps themselves in recovery through their willingness to do something/anything…meetings are a tool, nothing more.
And I would change the view on not noticing him using. It isn’t yours, you shouldn’t have noticed. You should be taking care of you and leaving him to find his way. I didn’t see any relapses because frankly I wasn’t looking or in any mentality to care. I needed to work on me, I was more than enough of a problem to handle … and even if I did think hmmm he ain’t right I let him find that he wasn’t right. I find it makes more sense to me this way. And I really, really believe they can find their way, they aren‘t stupid, they know when they are their own worst enemy…even as we know as well when we are our own whether we admit it or not.
I am not sure about the warning stuff…this is addiction, addicts use, they relapse, they find recovery, they may screw it all up to repeat again maybe, hell maybe not. All to normal, not about them, remember this is about YOU.
I know I am way out of the box, and have to ask.
Where do you see yourself within it all?
And what do you know you need to do for you? Because that work you do on you is where all the sense to be found is.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Dear LMN,
So sorry for what's happened. I hope and pray your husband can find what he needs to continue his journey of healing. And that you may be held securely in the palm of God's hand.
If only the path to health and sanity were straight and smooth, but it does not seem to be that way. Still, when we fall (whether it is the loved ones or the ones struggling to manage the disease of addiction) may we always be open to the grace that will pick us up again.
Blessings, strength and peace to you and your husband.
So sorry for what's happened. I hope and pray your husband can find what he needs to continue his journey of healing. And that you may be held securely in the palm of God's hand.
If only the path to health and sanity were straight and smooth, but it does not seem to be that way. Still, when we fall (whether it is the loved ones or the ones struggling to manage the disease of addiction) may we always be open to the grace that will pick us up again.
Blessings, strength and peace to you and your husband.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((LMN)))))
No judgement here! You have described what happens a goo 90+ % of
the time.
You will notice that on here many of us, myself included do suggest that
the A go to a Sober Living House for at least three months and longer
if needed. That gives the A an environment where all they can do is work
on themselves and gives us the time and space to work on ourselves.
Of course, as said above, if the A is not ready and does not give his/her
recovery his/her all then there will be relapse no matter what.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Love and hugs,
No judgement here! You have described what happens a goo 90+ % of
the time.
You will notice that on here many of us, myself included do suggest that
the A go to a Sober Living House for at least three months and longer
if needed. That gives the A an environment where all they can do is work
on themselves and gives us the time and space to work on ourselves.
Of course, as said above, if the A is not ready and does not give his/her
recovery his/her all then there will be relapse no matter what.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I seem to remember reading a story about the recovering addicts who started one of the 12-step programs, either CA or NA, my memory is fuzzy. But my memory is that one of them VERY involved in pulling the organization together during the many months of hard work to get it up and running, and also trying to be of service to other addicts at the same time.... one of these "cornerstone" addicts who was building the organization from scratch and also 12th-stepping callers on the phone line was at the time still using, and no one knew.
I enjoy watching a particular substance abuse counselor on the Dr. Drew show when the topic is addiction--Bob Forrest--I have a great deal of respect for him. And I could not believe my ears when he said he went to rehab 32 times. Even as I type that I'm sure no one will believe the number. But he used long and hard for decades. And now, he is fulfilling a vital mission on this planet to help other suffering addicts.
I have read so much on addiction, particularly its psychological hold on the addict, and I am not surprised by relapse, and generally expect it. I no longer consider it a moral lapse or character weakness or selfishness. I am coming to see it as a component of a "chronic, relapsing disease" (the definition of addiction by the American Medical Association). There are the rare persons who get clean and never relapse. And there are those who go to seven meetings a week and still can't hold on to sobriety. There are addicts living in extreme desperation and terror because they cannot stop. And I do not know why some make it and some don't, and would not bet money in any direction.
The alcoholic who brought the message to Bill W,--Ebby was his name--was a shining miracle of sobriety in a time when all doctors in the world viewed alcoholism as a hopeless and ultimately fatal disorder. Ebby got sober because he had joined a spiritual group called the Oxford Group which believed in submission to the will of a higher power, confession, and restitution. This program was getting alcoholics sober. It was a miracle. But the major flaw of the Oxford Group was that when one of its members relapsed, that member was ostracized.
Ebby went to his old fried Bill Wilson with a message of hope....that alcoholics could stop drinking if they followed the spiritual program of the Oxford Group. Bill W. could not believe Ebby was no longer drinking, how was it possible. Bill W. had tried everything under the sun to stop.
The story of Bill W.'s encounter with Ebby and the eventual forming of Alcoholics Anonymous is a long--and beautiful--one. And millions of alcoholics are in recovery today as a result.
But Ebby--if I remember the story correctly--one day relapsed. And was lost to the disease. He did not live much longer, after he again picked up the first drink.
I saw Tom Arnold on Dr. Drew's show some months back. Tom was a major recovering figure in Hollywood, worked diligently to help other addicts for years, and was held in high esteem. But in 2010 Tom had a motorcycle accident and was given morphine. And that began his secret downward spiral into active addiction. He hid it for two years but then his secret was blown wide open when his colon ruptured (opiates cause constipation). He had been using massive quantities of pills and no one knew. Not his wife. Not his sponsor. No one.
He is back on track. Godspeed, to Tom and all who struggle.
I hope you have good support, Lovemenot, as you work through this experience of being deceived and shaken. As you say, nothing is guaranteed. It is good to trust our guts, and to also trust that God will reveal what we need to know.
Follow your own heart and mind, no one else's, and ask your higher power for guidance.
I enjoy watching a particular substance abuse counselor on the Dr. Drew show when the topic is addiction--Bob Forrest--I have a great deal of respect for him. And I could not believe my ears when he said he went to rehab 32 times. Even as I type that I'm sure no one will believe the number. But he used long and hard for decades. And now, he is fulfilling a vital mission on this planet to help other suffering addicts.
I have read so much on addiction, particularly its psychological hold on the addict, and I am not surprised by relapse, and generally expect it. I no longer consider it a moral lapse or character weakness or selfishness. I am coming to see it as a component of a "chronic, relapsing disease" (the definition of addiction by the American Medical Association). There are the rare persons who get clean and never relapse. And there are those who go to seven meetings a week and still can't hold on to sobriety. There are addicts living in extreme desperation and terror because they cannot stop. And I do not know why some make it and some don't, and would not bet money in any direction.
The alcoholic who brought the message to Bill W,--Ebby was his name--was a shining miracle of sobriety in a time when all doctors in the world viewed alcoholism as a hopeless and ultimately fatal disorder. Ebby got sober because he had joined a spiritual group called the Oxford Group which believed in submission to the will of a higher power, confession, and restitution. This program was getting alcoholics sober. It was a miracle. But the major flaw of the Oxford Group was that when one of its members relapsed, that member was ostracized.
Ebby went to his old fried Bill Wilson with a message of hope....that alcoholics could stop drinking if they followed the spiritual program of the Oxford Group. Bill W. could not believe Ebby was no longer drinking, how was it possible. Bill W. had tried everything under the sun to stop.
The story of Bill W.'s encounter with Ebby and the eventual forming of Alcoholics Anonymous is a long--and beautiful--one. And millions of alcoholics are in recovery today as a result.
But Ebby--if I remember the story correctly--one day relapsed. And was lost to the disease. He did not live much longer, after he again picked up the first drink.
I saw Tom Arnold on Dr. Drew's show some months back. Tom was a major recovering figure in Hollywood, worked diligently to help other addicts for years, and was held in high esteem. But in 2010 Tom had a motorcycle accident and was given morphine. And that began his secret downward spiral into active addiction. He hid it for two years but then his secret was blown wide open when his colon ruptured (opiates cause constipation). He had been using massive quantities of pills and no one knew. Not his wife. Not his sponsor. No one.
He is back on track. Godspeed, to Tom and all who struggle.
I hope you have good support, Lovemenot, as you work through this experience of being deceived and shaken. As you say, nothing is guaranteed. It is good to trust our guts, and to also trust that God will reveal what we need to know.
Follow your own heart and mind, no one else's, and ask your higher power for guidance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
When I first stumbled on SR I was the one who was silently judging others. You see, the addict in my life, my daughter, was different than all those other addicts. I was the mom who would do anything- stop at nothing to snap my daughter out of addiction. I assumed others probably gave up too soon. I was different because I would never let go. This mama was going to beat her child's addiction.
Reading thousands of posts and back stories on this forum and those on the Substance Abuse forums and the stickies over time, gave me a different perspective.
I came to the conclusion that my codependency was a disease of my own ego.
Letting go of my own notions and accepting that I was powerless over my daughter and anyone else for that matter, was humbling stuff.
Reading thousands of posts and back stories on this forum and those on the Substance Abuse forums and the stickies over time, gave me a different perspective.
I came to the conclusion that my codependency was a disease of my own ego.
Letting go of my own notions and accepting that I was powerless over my daughter and anyone else for that matter, was humbling stuff.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Thank you for the post LoveMeNot, it was so timely for me.
This morning I finally changed my cell number, blocked him on my home phone, blocked off all email communication.
The change in cell phone number was a huge step for me, a slew of horrible nasty messages have been left on and off since Jan., I have stopped lying to myself, I am facing reality, you see , my a was different too ;(
We are here, we care about you, sometimes we do need to be a bit gentler with each other.
I will pray for both you and your husbands release from this horrible disease.
Love to you, Katie
This morning I finally changed my cell number, blocked him on my home phone, blocked off all email communication.
The change in cell phone number was a huge step for me, a slew of horrible nasty messages have been left on and off since Jan., I have stopped lying to myself, I am facing reality, you see , my a was different too ;(
We are here, we care about you, sometimes we do need to be a bit gentler with each other.
I will pray for both you and your husbands release from this horrible disease.
Love to you, Katie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((LMN)) - no judgment from me! I've been both the A, and the loved one of an A (okay a LOT of A's) and despite knowing what I do about addiction, sometimes I am fooled.
I keep working on me, I stay close to SR and those who are supportive of me. I'm not perfect. None of us are. As was said above, some of the best lessons I've learned, have been the hardest, but I'm grateful in the long run.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I keep working on me, I stay close to SR and those who are supportive of me. I'm not perfect. None of us are. As was said above, some of the best lessons I've learned, have been the hardest, but I'm grateful in the long run.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
I think what EnglishGarden wrote is very much how I have come to think and feel about addiction and relapse. When I learned that the doctor on the show Intervention relapsed after 20 years of sobriety, I realized that this disease is just that--a disease, with tentacles that reach into brain, body and soul.
But relapse is not a moral lapse or weakness (for that matter, we are all weak and flawed) or selfishness. (Behavior around the addiction may be selfish, but that is a different issue and, as the story of the "cornerstone" addict who was helping to build a 12-step program and helping others while using illustrates.)
When we paint with too broad a stroke, we sometimes miss the truth, which is almost always more difficult and more subtle than we would want.
The disease is surrounded by both misery and mystery, relapse and resurrection, by grasping and grace. That much I have learned so far.
But relapse is not a moral lapse or weakness (for that matter, we are all weak and flawed) or selfishness. (Behavior around the addiction may be selfish, but that is a different issue and, as the story of the "cornerstone" addict who was helping to build a 12-step program and helping others while using illustrates.)
When we paint with too broad a stroke, we sometimes miss the truth, which is almost always more difficult and more subtle than we would want.
The disease is surrounded by both misery and mystery, relapse and resurrection, by grasping and grace. That much I have learned so far.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
First I just want to tell you how much my heart goes out to you and how many hugs I would shower you with.
This happened to me as well.
I remember the ecstatic JOY and HOPE that followed my ExAB's entry into a program. After eight years of begging and he FINALLY goes?! Holy cow! It was like a miracle.
And then he actually found someone to talk to? Holy cow again!
The blessings just seemed to pile up after years of trials and tribulations and it was even so good we'd have talks about things...stuff talked about in group...he'd even cry and open up to me, make me believe in him that his heart had been changed or challenged by something that was said...he would tell me BEAUTIFUL things and we'd hold each other and make love and I'd feel so close to him and so HOPEFUL.
Like I was filled with this knowledge that I had believed all along: that we would be okay. And that one day we'd hold our grandchildren on our laps, and he would be their merry hero of a papa...and we'd counsel them in their teenage and adult years with the many stories of woe and PERSEVERANCE and we'd say "Believe in yourself and LOVE each other and everything WILL BE OKAY."
We'd have these dreams together and cry and laugh and I think we both really believed them.
Then came down the curtain.
It never occurred to me that predators would purposefully go to meetings to sell drugs to people there.
But they do.
Then nights he went to meetings became nights he just SAID he would go.
Then came the nights he spent hours in the bathroom.
Then the familiar droop of dope and the heartbreak.
And all that sh*t that tied us together and bolstered me and made me complete in my faith?
Gone.
Out comes the rug and yes, it hurts when you land firmly on your ass with no one but yourself to witness the crumbling of a mystical kingdom.
I finally left him a little over a month ago.
It's the umpteenth time I have.
I stayed for eight years and everyday I hate myself still for not being there now...but he has literally left me no choice. I cannot trust a single word, action, look, or breath he takes or does.
I had to follow the rabbit all the way down the hole until I was satisfied I could hang on no longer. And even now? In my sickness if I'm not diligent with myself I would probably try again. Because I myself am addicted to my addict.
I don't judge you at all.
Not one little bit.
All I would ask is that you take better care of yourself than I did of myself.
Next month I go to get tested for HIV and HepC.
Because next month will be three months since our fight when I was stuck with a needle he claims wasn't his.
Just be careful with yourself. Listen to what you need. All anyone who's worth anything REALLY cares about here is you and your peace of mind and your physical/mental safety.
If someone judges you then scr*w them. We all live with our own decisions, this is just the place we can have as a safe haven and sounding board for those decisions, whatever they may be.
I wish you the best. Stay true to yourself and keep posting. It doesn't help just you, it helps me and everyone else too. So thank you.
This happened to me as well.
I remember the ecstatic JOY and HOPE that followed my ExAB's entry into a program. After eight years of begging and he FINALLY goes?! Holy cow! It was like a miracle.
And then he actually found someone to talk to? Holy cow again!
The blessings just seemed to pile up after years of trials and tribulations and it was even so good we'd have talks about things...stuff talked about in group...he'd even cry and open up to me, make me believe in him that his heart had been changed or challenged by something that was said...he would tell me BEAUTIFUL things and we'd hold each other and make love and I'd feel so close to him and so HOPEFUL.
Like I was filled with this knowledge that I had believed all along: that we would be okay. And that one day we'd hold our grandchildren on our laps, and he would be their merry hero of a papa...and we'd counsel them in their teenage and adult years with the many stories of woe and PERSEVERANCE and we'd say "Believe in yourself and LOVE each other and everything WILL BE OKAY."
We'd have these dreams together and cry and laugh and I think we both really believed them.
Then came down the curtain.
It never occurred to me that predators would purposefully go to meetings to sell drugs to people there.
But they do.
Then nights he went to meetings became nights he just SAID he would go.
Then came the nights he spent hours in the bathroom.
Then the familiar droop of dope and the heartbreak.
And all that sh*t that tied us together and bolstered me and made me complete in my faith?
Gone.
Out comes the rug and yes, it hurts when you land firmly on your ass with no one but yourself to witness the crumbling of a mystical kingdom.
I finally left him a little over a month ago.
It's the umpteenth time I have.
I stayed for eight years and everyday I hate myself still for not being there now...but he has literally left me no choice. I cannot trust a single word, action, look, or breath he takes or does.
I had to follow the rabbit all the way down the hole until I was satisfied I could hang on no longer. And even now? In my sickness if I'm not diligent with myself I would probably try again. Because I myself am addicted to my addict.
I don't judge you at all.
Not one little bit.
All I would ask is that you take better care of yourself than I did of myself.
Next month I go to get tested for HIV and HepC.
Because next month will be three months since our fight when I was stuck with a needle he claims wasn't his.
Just be careful with yourself. Listen to what you need. All anyone who's worth anything REALLY cares about here is you and your peace of mind and your physical/mental safety.
If someone judges you then scr*w them. We all live with our own decisions, this is just the place we can have as a safe haven and sounding board for those decisions, whatever they may be.
I wish you the best. Stay true to yourself and keep posting. It doesn't help just you, it helps me and everyone else too. So thank you.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you all for your kind words of support.
Any one of my friends and family would tell you that honesty and trust are SOOOO important to me (some would say - to an extreme). I am not saying I NEVER lie because that would be a lie. lol But I try very hard to live my life as an honest, trusting, forgiving and loving person. I am not always successful though. I find it so interesting that I married an addict where lying and manipulation become almost "normal." I know there is a lesson in there - somewhere. It's probably what I hate the most about the disease.
I can only say that I have begun the process of grieving the loss of what was and what was suppose to be. Acceptance is a still a struggle but I will not and can not compromise my core values. A marriage without trust and honesty is just not a marriage. (Nor is a marriage with obsession, control and selfishness. I am talking about me now.
)
Any one of my friends and family would tell you that honesty and trust are SOOOO important to me (some would say - to an extreme). I am not saying I NEVER lie because that would be a lie. lol But I try very hard to live my life as an honest, trusting, forgiving and loving person. I am not always successful though. I find it so interesting that I married an addict where lying and manipulation become almost "normal." I know there is a lesson in there - somewhere. It's probably what I hate the most about the disease.
I can only say that I have begun the process of grieving the loss of what was and what was suppose to be. Acceptance is a still a struggle but I will not and can not compromise my core values. A marriage without trust and honesty is just not a marriage. (Nor is a marriage with obsession, control and selfishness. I am talking about me now.
)
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry, it is all part of the process, dealing with an "A" is a real rollercoaster ride.
When I was with my addict, this was my safe haven and thus I did not share my posts, my life line was mine...perhaps that would be an option for you...for your well-being.
When I was with my addict, this was my safe haven and thus I did not share my posts, my life line was mine...perhaps that would be an option for you...for your well-being.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
no judgement here LoveMeNot.....I really understand how incredibly difficult this all is. I understand why we still hope and want to believe. How we end up giving more chances.
I understand the pain that it takes to walk away. Even 1 1/2 years after leaving my husband I still struggle with it. Sometimes "my addiction" (maybe we could try it just one my time, this time he really sounds like he means it, he "gets it" now) gets to me. In fact, it was going full bore earlier this week.
I love SR because it helps me to connect with other people like me. Ones that struggle with this and struggle to become who we are meant to be. The longer I do this the less judgemental I become. I can look at myself and my struggles and then EASILY see that I have no fingers to point at any one else.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I, too, abhor lying and dishonesty. I've tried to look at why that is such a trigger to me. The only thing that I can figure is that lies that I tell myself are the ones that I hate the most....and my hatred of lies that others tell is a reflection of my own issues. I don't know - just hate it all.
As you sort it out and figure out what to do next I hope that you feel the support here. So many of us have been exactly where you are. I always say - it takes what it takes. The people told me how wrong I was the more I struggled to prove them wrong. I guess that is why I do my best not to tell people what to do.
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you...
I understand the pain that it takes to walk away. Even 1 1/2 years after leaving my husband I still struggle with it. Sometimes "my addiction" (maybe we could try it just one my time, this time he really sounds like he means it, he "gets it" now) gets to me. In fact, it was going full bore earlier this week.
I love SR because it helps me to connect with other people like me. Ones that struggle with this and struggle to become who we are meant to be. The longer I do this the less judgemental I become. I can look at myself and my struggles and then EASILY see that I have no fingers to point at any one else.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I, too, abhor lying and dishonesty. I've tried to look at why that is such a trigger to me. The only thing that I can figure is that lies that I tell myself are the ones that I hate the most....and my hatred of lies that others tell is a reflection of my own issues. I don't know - just hate it all.
As you sort it out and figure out what to do next I hope that you feel the support here. So many of us have been exactly where you are. I always say - it takes what it takes. The people told me how wrong I was the more I struggled to prove them wrong. I guess that is why I do my best not to tell people what to do.
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you...
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you all again for being so understanding and supportive. I just got home from my Christian ladies Coda support group. I would encourage any Christian to ask their local churches if they will be doing an Untangling Relationships workshop. It is a very helpful class and work book.
Also, this site was shared tonight. It is really about the Karpman drama triangle - a very interesting read. Get Your ANGRIES Out
Also, this site was shared tonight. It is really about the Karpman drama triangle - a very interesting read. Get Your ANGRIES Out
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