madisonblake

You will get no judgement from me. Actually this post and replies have helped me realize I was not the only idiot to believe that since my ex was going to meetings every day, talking the talk, preaching sobriety and everything he was learning, there was no way he could have been doing drugs. Boy was I wrong. I would find out months later he had relapsed many times during that time, and all the while preaching the NA steps, his progress, etc. I guess the last several months with him was a necessary hell for me. I finally got to my piont where now, there's no way I would ever let him back into my life. Finally, after two years I can say that. But I had to go through many rounds of break up/make up, hopes/destruction of those hopes, etc to finally get myself to that point. I finally got to the point that I realized that someone who could get high and then face their family, friends, sponsor, NA friends, sober friends, etc is NO ONE I would EVER trust again. Ever. It's hurtful, painful and all those things you all listed above but I do agree that a big part of it had to do with my ego as well. Like, how could this person actually be dumb enough to choose drugs, loser friends, etc over someone as good as me and my daughter? That's ego for sure.

I wish you the best.

peaceandgrace

Wow, LoveMeNot, what a courageous post. My heart goes out to you without one ounce of judgment. Not one tiny sand sized piece of judgment.

After 13 years, I just last month faced the sad reality that my AS was not different from other addicts. I finally released him to God and the universal spirit that I believe is love. I have nothing more to give.

It wasn't because I divorced his father when he was 5. It wasn't because I wasn't a good mother. How could I have loved and nurtured that beautiful little boy any more than I did? How could his sister have loved him more? Or his Nanny? Or his PawPaw?

I've been guilty of judging parents in the past who have troubled children. How naive I was.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dream. When our addicts come and go in our lives, giving us hope and joy again, it is a soul crushing pain when they relapse, inevitably again.

For me now, I have no expectations, good or bad. My AS will make his own destiny. I pray for recovery but I don't sit around wishing for it.

I don't know what it will take to open my heart again to him IF he comes around again claiming sobriety. I'll cross that road if/when I get there.

With deepest compassion and prayers,

peaceandgrace

dollydo

I am not all into sharing my entire life and thought process with another, in every case that I have seen on this and other boards it has backfired in the posters face.

Hope your continued sharing with ah works out for you, so far it seems only to restrict your thought processes and a clear attempt to control others responses...as not to upset your hubby.

It's your path, your life, god gives you the paddles and the boat, it is up to you to figure out how to use the paddles and row to the shore...

Justfor1

lovemenot, while I don't think it is common, it does happen that an addict will continue to use while attending meetings. The thing is though that it is a lot harder to fool other dope addicts than it is family/friends. I think it can still be a positive thing though because he must be getting something out of NA if he keeps attending meetings & talking with his sponser.

LoveMeNow

I never told him what my user name was or what forum I was on. Although, he does know I am on one and I was shocked when he even asked me. It was the last reason I gave to why I haven't posted. I am concerned but not enough to stop me. I have nothing to hide but I will keep my safety and well being a top priority.

To my knowledge, he still has no idea and I have intentions of changing my user name!

supportforme

Absolutely no judgement here. I too know exactly how you feel. I guess we all have to go through our own experiences to learn and grow. Unfortunately, living with an addict is emotionally devastating. That's why it's so important for us to keep the focus on ourselves. If we don't it will completely destroy us. This forum has been a life saver for me. At first, I had the same thoughts, I'm strong, I will figure this out and fix him and wasn't ready to hear the words of wisdom from all the folks that posted. I also thought not my addict. For me, I realize that I had to go through the pain in order for me to gain strength. Stay strong and keep yourself healthy.

LoveMeNow

I respectfully disagree. I think it all too common. However, I am not knocking the program at all. I am amazed at all the support he has been given from other NA members.

After he called his sponsor, that guy was here within 10 minutes to pick him up. Another member, with over 10 yrs clean time, has been picking him up for meetings, coming over every day to "support" him. Also, another member asked him to stay at his house - because it was not fair to me to have him detox at home and offered to allow him to work from his home office as well. Just to name a few! Its now up to him and God!

I am doing what is best for me!

zoso77

Sometimes we follow our hearts instead of what we know or suspect may be true. And we pay the price. And just as it's happened to you, me and others here, it'll happen tomorrow to someone else.

When I first got into Al Anon, I asked the advice of one of the guys that I bonded with about the situation I found myself in. He respectfully declined, saying it wasn't his place. Ultimately we have to follow our own compass, for good and for ill, and if we f**k up, we f**k up.

So, my hope is you better appreciate what it is you're dealing with. Like you said, addiction is cunning and baffling. Learn how to make decisions based on what you know to be true, and not what you wish in your heart. I'm pulling for you.

Best,
ZoSo

washbe2

LMN, just want you to know that you do have the support of so many people here. We often hold onto hope and refuse to let go as long as our arms can carry the burden. It's so hard to believe "our" addict is no different from the others. Even when reality sets in, it is still difficult.

No one can tell us when or how to let it go. Even when we know they are right, it still has to be in our own time. I love and appreciate every word that has been offered to me, even though I haven't always done what has been suggested. Every syllable etches a little deeper into my brain, and helps me at least try to focus in the right direction. That's why I keep coming back.

I pray for peace for you and your home. I care.

LoveMeNow

After reading this again, I find it highly insulting.

I expressed a concern for ME - not to control other's responses. This is the assumptions and judgments I was talking about.

allforcnm

Lovemenot,

Im sorry that this happened and I know it must have been a shock to you. Since Ive been on this forum I have heard at various times (relapse is part of addiction) and at other times (relapse is part of recovery). I personally don’t think we know which it is until we travel down the road further and look back. Then in hindsight it becomes clear what this relapse means. I hope this actually turns out to be a positive thing for him; and he will do whatever is necessary to stop using, and strengthen himself to prevent any future relapse. And as for you, just move slowly and like you said, God will guide you through this.

LoveMeNow

oops, typo!! It should read - I have NO intentions of changing my user name.

Faithlove

LMN,
So glad you're back! I can only agree with what others have already posted. It is devastating when your dream finally shatters into a million pieces. Let God guide and take care of you. Let God have your AH too. Keep loving yourself. (((hugs to you)))!

LoveMeNow

I cant explain it but I feel so at peace now. More then I have in a very long time. Maybe its because I can finally see the light. The light on the other side!