Its his birthday but he won't be with me
 

Good Morning,
Well since my ABF relapsed 3 months ago he is spiralling downward. He goes to the bar every morning for 4 or 5 hours comes home, eats, naps and goes back to the bar for the evening for another 5 or 6 hours. I don't know if it makes me an enabler but I do drive him and pick him up mainly because of course I don't want him driving drunk. I do not give him money (been there the last time he was doing this about a year ago). He was sober for about 9 months till he relapsed. My worry now is I know he is just about out of money. He told me last night he has about 90$ in his checking account. He has a part time job only 2 days a week and he does go to work but it doesn't pay much. He lost his other job due to drinking and not being able to get up in the morning to make it. I know he is going to start asking me for money and I am not going to give him any and just don't know how I will deal with that fight. The last time he was drinking like this I gave and gave till I was broke and I can't do that again. Since he started drinking again he is verbally mean. We fight almost every night. I try really hard not to react and not fight but sometimes I just loose it and fight back even though I know it will not help. He tells me daily that he is through with me. He starts in with well you left me before, you will do it again. And he loves to bring up the past and of course everything is always my fault....our breakup, me kicking him out of the house, and he is convinced I was sleeping with other men. Tells me everyone at the bar can't believe HE took me back after all the things I did. Of course I know deep down that Alcoholics will stick together and what hurts is he believes them over me. Today is his birthday and he got up at 5:30 am and left for the bar....took the car while I was still sleeping. He woke me up and just said I am leaving be back later. I didn't have time to get up and stop him from driving. He is usually the one who says will you give me a ride because he doesn't want to drive drunk. So now I sit here and worry knowing he is going to have to drive home. And I know even though I planned a special dinner and I bought him a gift and so did my 15 and 17 year old and my daughter made him a cake that he won't be here. I am trying to just get it in my head he won't be here for dinner don't be dissappointed, don't get upset, don't fight just accept it and don't cry so tired of crying everyday. But how do I do that, not get upset that he would rather be with his "buddies" then with me? Thanks for letting me vent a little this morning!

Dear lizziegirl,

you do right to vent :> I feel sorry for your situation and I can only think of what I would do. It seems like he has all the control and perhaps instead of you waiting to see what he is going to do/if he will come home for dinner etc that you could ask him to? If he doesn't want to take much part in your family life then think about what you can do to make your life better?....you must look after yourself and children.

You will get plenty of support here too.

P.S. I am not sure but I think as this post is about alcohol it should be in the friends and family of alcoholic section?

Perhaps you meant to post this in the F&F Alcoholic Forum. Nonetheless, there is no difference as it relates to codependency, so welcome.

Allowing him to live without contributing to the costs to maintain the household is enabling.
Giving him money to drink is enabling.
Chauffeuring him to the bars is enabling.

When a car is taken without the owner's permission, it's theft. Call the Police.You need to do this to protect yourself from liability in case he has an accident.

No one can manipulate us, unless we allow it. What he tells drunks at the bar does not make it true. What drunks at the bar believe is none of your business.

What about this situation is acceptable, especially given you have 2 children under your roof? They are learning how to treat others and allow others to treat them, at home.

"I will not allow active alcoholics in my home" is a sound boundary that will protect you and your children from the chaos of alcoholism. He is free to drink and shack up elsewhere.

oops I meant to post this is Friends and Family of Alcoholic I will try to move it, Thanks

So what are you getting out of this relationship?

Just something to think about.

Welcome to SR! Outtolunch's advice is Step 1 and you should really consider setting up this boundary.

Keep posting (and venting)!

I'm going to have to echo Freedom, how is this relationship benefiting you? Relationships are supposed to be mutually enjoyable based on a foundation of trust, respect and equality. I think those of us who are in codependent relationships begin to think relationships are about one sacrificing themselves on the alter of another's selfishness and we do this to the detriment of our health, finances, children and other relationships in order to try to finally get that carrot on a string called love.