My ex's family is planning on visiting... next weekend!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
My ex's family is planning on visiting... next weekend!
!
I got a call from my ex's BIL who lives about 3 states away. He is bringing my ex's mother (my son's grandma), my son's aunt and his 10 year old cousin out for a visit with relatives - next weekend. They want to see my son. Apparently "grandma" will be staying with my son's father - who we haven't seen in three years. In all that time, my son's father has made one random attempt to contact us but never followed through.
I'm just mad about this and I don't know how to handle it. It's not like I'm trying to prevent my son from having a relationship with them, but it's kind of out of the blue. We RARELY talk. They don't send cards or gifts or anything. Really, the only time they ever call is when they are trying to track down my son's father. To be honest, they are pretty nuts.
If they see my son, I know it's going to bring up all kinds of issues for him (like where's my daddy?!!) that I am going to be stuck dealing with. And it's not like they EVER send him a birthday card or anything. I talk to them on the phone maybe once a year and that's it.
Anyway, I'm open to any advice on how to handle this. It's just thrown me for a loop. I don't want it to throw my little boy for a loop too! I don't need the drama!!
I got a call from my ex's BIL who lives about 3 states away. He is bringing my ex's mother (my son's grandma), my son's aunt and his 10 year old cousin out for a visit with relatives - next weekend. They want to see my son. Apparently "grandma" will be staying with my son's father - who we haven't seen in three years. In all that time, my son's father has made one random attempt to contact us but never followed through.
I'm just mad about this and I don't know how to handle it. It's not like I'm trying to prevent my son from having a relationship with them, but it's kind of out of the blue. We RARELY talk. They don't send cards or gifts or anything. Really, the only time they ever call is when they are trying to track down my son's father. To be honest, they are pretty nuts.
If they see my son, I know it's going to bring up all kinds of issues for him (like where's my daddy?!!) that I am going to be stuck dealing with. And it's not like they EVER send him a birthday card or anything. I talk to them on the phone maybe once a year and that's it.
Anyway, I'm open to any advice on how to handle this. It's just thrown me for a loop. I don't want it to throw my little boy for a loop too! I don't need the drama!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Seems to me that you are uncomfortable with this and if so you do not need to be available. Two choices - be direct and upfront with them about the disruption to your son or take the graceful way out and voice your regrets that you "have a previous commitment for the weekend".
They probably mean well....and likely have no idea about how uninvolved their son is with his own son. That doesn't mean it is your responsibility to fill them in.
If they wanted a close relationship there would be cards, calls, gifts etc......that's what family does!
Hold on to your drama free zone!!
They probably mean well....and likely have no idea about how uninvolved their son is with his own son. That doesn't mean it is your responsibility to fill them in.
If they wanted a close relationship there would be cards, calls, gifts etc......that's what family does!
Hold on to your drama free zone!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
He is YOUR son. From what I know about the law they don't have the right to see him? What kind of custody does is Father have? If you have primary custody or sole custody and you don't want him to see that side of the family you have every right not to allow it. At the very least I would be there when/if he does see them. But if you're really not comfortable explain to his Father why and hopefully he can be the middle man. If he Father isn't in the picture and you have sole custody then the decision not to allow your son to see them is yours and you have NO REASON to feel about not allowing it,especially if you feel it's what's best for you your son. Simply tell them you don't feel it's what's right for your son. If they don't accept that then it's their own problem. It's your call ,not theirs.
If you do feel it's good for your son to see these people then I would just insist on being there. But don't feel like you're obligated to allow this
If you do feel it's good for your son to see these people then I would just insist on being there. But don't feel like you're obligated to allow this
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Wow, Kitty, that sounds like a curve ball zooming your way.
I can just share a bit of my story:
My AS is not involved with his 3 1/2 year old daughter. He is estranged from her mother also.
However, as a grandmother, I believe it is my moral obligation (not that's it's hard to do!) to nurture a loving relationship with both my granddaughter and daughter-in-law. Fortunately, I am blessed in that my daughter-in-law wants to have a relationship with my partner and me.
Even though we live in two different states, we stay in close communication and visit as often as we can.
So, from your description, your son's grandmother seems to be a grandmother in blood only.
It is possible that she would like to have a relationship with your son. However, I wouldn't think just showing up would be the best way to handle it.
You don't say how old your son is, or whether or not he asks about grandparents.
But, the bottom line is you are your son's protector and it's up to you to control which family members he spends time with. You are under no obligation whatsoever to just let them zoom in on you and your son.
This could be the beginning of a new beginning in grandmother/grandson relations, or it could simply be they don't really know any better. Either way, it's YOUR call.
I can just share a bit of my story:
My AS is not involved with his 3 1/2 year old daughter. He is estranged from her mother also.
However, as a grandmother, I believe it is my moral obligation (not that's it's hard to do!) to nurture a loving relationship with both my granddaughter and daughter-in-law. Fortunately, I am blessed in that my daughter-in-law wants to have a relationship with my partner and me.
Even though we live in two different states, we stay in close communication and visit as often as we can.
So, from your description, your son's grandmother seems to be a grandmother in blood only.
It is possible that she would like to have a relationship with your son. However, I wouldn't think just showing up would be the best way to handle it.
You don't say how old your son is, or whether or not he asks about grandparents.
But, the bottom line is you are your son's protector and it's up to you to control which family members he spends time with. You are under no obligation whatsoever to just let them zoom in on you and your son.
This could be the beginning of a new beginning in grandmother/grandson relations, or it could simply be they don't really know any better. Either way, it's YOUR call.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Am I missing something?
They are staying at your ex's house? correct?
So, he knows they are coming and I think it's more than safe to assume he knows grandma wants to see his/your son...
So, why isn't HE making arrangements so his Mom can see her grandson?
This is mondo manipulation and he is behind it.
JMHO
They are staying at your ex's house? correct?
So, he knows they are coming and I think it's more than safe to assume he knows grandma wants to see his/your son...
So, why isn't HE making arrangements so his Mom can see her grandson?
This is mondo manipulation and he is behind it.
JMHO
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's okay to say no.
My son's ex (and mother to his son) reached a point that she would no longer let my son see the boy, because my son had been inconsistant, didn't show when he said he would, and had been clean and relapsed so many times she could never trust how he would be. I respect her for protecting the boy from the emotional turmoil this caused.
Because my son was close with us, we weren't allowed to see the boy either for exactly the reason you mentioned above, it would beg the question "Where is my daddy?" and the answer was rarely good.
I respected that too. The important person in all this is the child. If having a relationship with grandparents would be ongoing and constructive and consistant, perhaps it might be worth considering. A random "we'll be in town and want to see the kid", regardless of who makes the request, just doesn't cut it from where I sit.
My response would be along the line "I cannot expose my child to the emotional sadness of once again wondering where his father is. If you people had been in the picture on a regular basis I might feel different, but today you are random strangers who happen to be related and it's too upsetting. Perhaps when the child is older and can handle this, but not today...thanks for asking."
Remember, you can also go can go the short route...it's okay to say no and "no" is a complete sentence.
Hugs
My son's ex (and mother to his son) reached a point that she would no longer let my son see the boy, because my son had been inconsistant, didn't show when he said he would, and had been clean and relapsed so many times she could never trust how he would be. I respect her for protecting the boy from the emotional turmoil this caused.
Because my son was close with us, we weren't allowed to see the boy either for exactly the reason you mentioned above, it would beg the question "Where is my daddy?" and the answer was rarely good.
I respected that too. The important person in all this is the child. If having a relationship with grandparents would be ongoing and constructive and consistant, perhaps it might be worth considering. A random "we'll be in town and want to see the kid", regardless of who makes the request, just doesn't cut it from where I sit.
My response would be along the line "I cannot expose my child to the emotional sadness of once again wondering where his father is. If you people had been in the picture on a regular basis I might feel different, but today you are random strangers who happen to be related and it's too upsetting. Perhaps when the child is older and can handle this, but not today...thanks for asking."
Remember, you can also go can go the short route...it's okay to say no and "no" is a complete sentence.
Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 09-18-2012 at 03:09 PM.
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