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Seeking Truth

Old 09-16-2012, 05:13 PM
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Seeking Truth

I am now living overseas for work in a 3rd world country and do not have access to Alanon meetings, counseling, or the same kind of support that I had at home. Wow did I feel grateful with all of those options at home and I realize now how beneficial having those things consistently in my life.

I do have a different kind of support where I am now but I think that I still need this forum to keep me conscious, awake, and aware and I have ignored that. And I realize that in many ways I am vulnerable especially when I am here on my own. I am stronger here though in many ways both in taking care of myself and others.

It has been a while since I last posted and so much has transpired since then. I will share a little of what I have been through in the moving on process and letting go process. (and it's all here in my previous posts) I have struggled with letting go all of my life. I have struggled with moving on in that I try to force it or avoid it or run from the it. By it- I mean the truth. I feel that all of us on the forum are not only seeking relief or to help relieve- but we are seeking truth together.

I have had so many weak moments in the last 3 years of my relationship with my ex-addict BF. And all of the other exes that were addicted to one thing or another in the past 15 years of my adult life. And my ex almost got to me again. He almost convinced me to come and give him another try after I had said a thousand times that I would never contact him again. I even let someone convince me that people change and that loving him and being with him and forgiving him might be what saves his life and ultimately makes me happy.

And truthfully speaking, I fell for it- almost. I would love to believe that he will change one day. That all of his negativity and spite toward everything and everyone would just dissolve for his sake. But I feel this might be my last chance for sanity. I have all of the signs and I feel that I need to stop fooling myself once and for all. Saying goodbye to him, not talking, and having distance helps with letting go and moving on. But I feel that to really letting go is more like going through de- possession and then repossession of my life, heart, soul, and spirit.

I allowed this to happen. He did not do anything to me ever and neither did anyone else for that matter. I have had to change so much about myself to be with him that I got lost. And I am rising out of it and I am fighting and starting to thrive again. It still is hard but I pray at night and when I forget to come here to SR or to pray I start to lose myself again in depression. It's also hard being here when I crave companionship but I feel it is best for now. I have had so many symbolic dreams lately which I am trying to pay attention to. So I am taking extra care of myself and my loved ones here and at home knowing that I need to get back to working the steps, reading, and coming here. Thank you. Goodnight and bless you all!

I would love feedback and support. With love... B&B
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bluebelle (09-16-2012), supportforme (09-16-2012)
Old 09-16-2012, 07:11 PM
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B&B
I'm sorry your going through this. You need to take care of you. I know that feeling of how could I allow this to happen and I feel so disappointed in myself. For me, I believe these thoughts are part of the growing process. We need to get here to realize that only we control our destiny. The fact that we realize it and find ourselves again is what is important. I take it one day at a time, I make an effort to only engage in conversations that I want to for me and only do things because I want to not because someone else wants me to. Only he can save his life. Only we can save ourselves. Stay strong and work on you. You deserve it.
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