kyles

Okay, so I'm trying to not spend all my time constantly worrying about my bf. I thought that once he came home from rehab I'd be able to stop worrying about him quite so much, but that isn't the case. Last night he told me that it's getting harder and harder for him to not use and it's very hard for him to resist right now. He told me I can't understand how much he wants it right now. He's right, I can't completely understand since I've never been in that position before. I know it's very hard. It has to be extra hard being home and not in the structured environment of rehab. Now I'm just worrying about him every second. It's all I've been able to think about today. At least when he was in rehab I was able to relax a bit knowing he was cooperating with the program and in good hands. I feel like I'm right back to where I was before he went to treatment. I know I need to stop focusing on him so much, but how can I not? The way his been talking makes it sound like he's going to use again very soon. I know it's not my responsibility to make sure he stays clean. I know I can't do that. It doesn't mean I still don't have the urge to try to make him stop. I've been trying to talk to him about it, just be here for him to talk to and vent to. Now he's trying to back track and say, "Oh, I'm find. Don't worry about it, nothing's going to happen." I know he's lying when he says he's fine.

I'm trying to focus on myself and things I need to worry about right now. I do that for about 2 minutes before I'm back to focusing on him again. I tell myself I'm not going to text him again tonight, but I pick my phone up 5-10 minutes later and send him a text to ask how he's doing. How do I get my mind off of it?!

story74

You feel depressed when you think about the past. You feel anxious when you think about the future. You feel at peace when you enjoy the moment you are in now.

Ann

If he is serious about his recovery, he will be doing something for himself to reinforce what he learned in rehab...meetings, counseling, prayer and meditation...any number of things. I don't know a rehab in the world that recommends "call your girlfriend and tell her you're shaky". He can probably call the rehab (even though he has finished there) and tell them that and they will give him good suggestions.

"We" are not the solution. They will use or not use no matter what we say or do.

I had to learn that and believe it, before I could let go of my obsessive worry about my son. He is missing 8 years lost in addiction somewhere and I could kill myself with worry if I let it happen. I don't. I say a prayer each morning and turn his care over to God, then I live my day well finding joy and beauty in every sunrise.

Sometimes we just have to let go...of worry, of thinking we have any control over their addiction/recovery, of all the "what if's" that present themselves each day.

Embrace the day, you only get one shot at it so squeeze every ounce of joy out of it and say "thank You" at sundown. I promise you will feel better.

Hugs

outtolunch

If worrying could prevent a relapse, I would have already cured world-wide addiction.

Nothing I can say or do will get or keep someone sober or cause them to relapse. I am not that powerful. None of us are.

The worrying lessens once we begin to really accept our own powerlessness over other people and their choices.

hello-kitty

I suggest volunteering at an animal shelter. Nothing like helping soft cuddly creatures that need you more than you need them. Or anything really. But worry is very inward facing and it also indicates boredom. Instead focus your energies outward on helping others, and time will fly by.

Also, what worked for me was to set goals. When I wanted to text my boyfriend (or call him) I would tell myself I had to wait 24 hours and then I would decide. Then I changed my actions. I found something else to keep me busy. Even if that was laundry, volunteering at a church, joining a book club, going for a run or cleaning my room.

It takes practice though. You have to retrain your own brain.

I think somewhere inside you must know your relationship with him isn't healthy and that your own behaviors when it comes to him aren't healthy. I applaud you for coming here to find help. Good for you! Next steps is to change your own behaviors, because there is absolutely nothing you can do about his.

You didn't cause his problems. You can't control his problems. You can't change his problems.

kyles

He's participating in this out-patient rehab program every day. I asked him if he told anyone else about how he feels and he said he hasn't. He doesn't feel comfortable with the people in the out-patient group. I told him he has to tell them, he can't just tell me because then I feel like I have to do something when I really can't. I don't want him to lie to me and pretend like he's perfectly fine, but I don't want to be the only one who knows everything anymore.

Well, I can't just talk to him 1 time a day. We're always sending little texts back and forth, but usually not related to his issues or asking if he's ok. We talk many times per day if we don't see each other. Is that obsessive? It's not like every time I text him I'm saying, "Are you ok? Did you use yet?!"


I realize this. It's just not the easiest thing to do. I've never been able to do this, even with other things in my life. I'm not saying I can't learn, it's just so hard, like almost impossible.

Yeah, know "we" are not the solution and that he'll use if he really wants to, regardless of anything else. I don't think I have any control over it. I've accepted that. It increases the worry for me. I know there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm not obsessive over stopping him, I just want to know if he does, NEED to know so I know he's ok.




But the thing is, I worry even when I have something to occupy my time. I was taking a test at school yesterday and I'd just sit there for 5 minutes and think about him and not even focus on what I was supposed to be doing. I'm also finding it hard to do other things because I've become depressed. I haven't been diagnosed or anything, but I'm sure I am. Before this summer, I would go and do things with friends or do something alone even and be able to take my mind off him. This summer I stopped doing a lot with friends. I don't want to go anywhere. I just sit here donig nothing at all. I can't seem to get out of it.

Again, I know I didn't cause his problems, I can't control them, and I can't change them. I don't have a low self-esteem and I don't blame myself for everything. I thought realizing these things was supposed to somehow make it easier or make me feel better, it it doesn't.

GardenMama

Kylie, my heart goes out to you.

The texting thing is kind of hard for some of us older folks to understand; it seems to permeate all aspects of a young person's daily life even when not texting--the cell phone can make a person believe s/he is always available to others. This is very dangerous for some of us. Maybe give yourself a break for a couple hours every day. Let him know you will be in touch at a certain time. I have had to help my 15 yo daughter with this. It's not easy. Baby steps.

Hello-Kitty makes some great suggestions--set some goals, get outside your comfort zone and do a few things that will change your usual patterns. What about a therapist? You've said meetings make you uncomfortable, but I bet you would benefit greatly from someone who's got experience in cognitive behavior therapy, stress-management, relaxation techniques, situational depression, etc.

I am going to find one for myself this weekend. Even with NarAnon, reading & SR support, it's just too hard to do all this "growing" on my own...

Take care of yourself.

hello-kitty

Well that's too bad. Things sound tough for you. When you are ready, I hope you will do whatever it takes to feel better and get over your depression. At some point you may want to consider reaching out to a therapist or your family doctor. Being depressed is no way to spend your youth. I'm sure you have a bright future in front of you, if you can work through whatever issues are causing you to feel that way.

kyles

Yeah, it's a good idea to take a breka from the phone for a few hours. Easier said than done, but I will try. I'll just have to turn it off and not have it with me at all during that time. Maybe it'll get easier the more I do it.

I'm considering seeing a therapist. I have other issues not directly related to my bf's drug use, just like the pregnancy in general and other things, that are affected me a lot lately. I think it might be a better fit for me right now.

kyles

My boyfriend came over earlier today. I'm cleaning out my older brother's old room to turn it into the baby's room. He said he'd come over and help. My parents were going to be here the whole time and they said it was ok. He knows he has a lot to prove in my parents eyes and he wants to try to earn back their trust. Everything went well. I tried to focus on just today and the fact that today was good. I tried not to talk about or worry about what he may or may not do tomorrow. We talked about his job and how he's happy to start working again. He was going to his out-patient meetings in the mornings, but with work starting again, he is now switching to the evening meeting. Today is the first time he's meeting with the evening group. So, before he left, which was just about a half hour ago, he pulled a little bag of heroin out of his pocket and told me to get rid of it. I was worried he'd relapse soon, but I didn't expect that. I can't believe he did this. I asked him why he did this to me. I know he's not doing it to me, it isn't even about me, but that's my gut reaction. He won't tell the group tonight because I know how he is and he's just meeting this group for the first time. I really hope he calls a counselor from the residential rehab place. He said he bought it earlier today and was going to use it after he left my place, I guess meaning he wasn't even planning on going to the meeting anyway? I can't believe he is trying to earn back everyone's trust and he had heroin on him the ENTIRE TIME TODAY! He said that was all he bought and he just wanted to use a little bit for the craving. He said he's been thinking about it all day, but decided to not do it, to go to his meeting and to try to work through it. I don't know what to do, I'm just a mess. Today went so well. He seemed fine, like his "old self." I know he's not completely fine, but, I don't know anymore.

I'm not going to contact him to see if he goes to his meeting or not. It's killing me. I can't stand to not pick up my phone. I'll talk to him later when I normally do, but I'm telling myself I won't check up. I can't stand this. I'm so hurt.

zoso77

I don't think we stop worrying about people that we care about. I don't expect you to stop worrying about your ABF. But you can't let worry, or your fear of what may happen to him, dictate your behavior. I hate to say this, but if he picks up, he picks up. Remember:

* You didn't cause it
* You can't cure it
* You can't control it

The thing you have to practice is detaching with love. You can wish the best for him, and you can want him to not pick up, but you can't prevent him from doing whatever he's going to do.

I encourage you to find an Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting in your area, and listen to how others have learned how to detach with love. It takes practice, but it's doable.

Good luck.

Best,
ZoSo

hello-kitty

Oh Kylie. My heart hurts for you. I know it's hard. I was pregnant with my baby and my boyfriend was a complete flake. He kept promising me he wanted to change. At one point he even quit using drugs for a while. But then he relapsed and lied about it. It got to the point where I couldn't tell what was true and what was a lie anymore. Even when he was sober he was a flake... and I was always worried he would relapse.

It made me very sick during my pregnancy. It wasn't good for my baby and I knew that. I was really desperate to do whatever it took to find happiness and stability in my heart and soul without relying on him, because relying on him to be the person I needed him to be was killing me inside. I was way too wrapped up in his addiction.

One thing that helped me (and I'm not saying it will help you, but it never hurts to share) was to focus on making sure my baby had the best possible future he could have, with or without his father. I had to detach from his dad because it was making me crazy. It would have destroyed my son dealing with a drug addict dad and a crazy mom. I chose to fix my life.

I had to purposely turn my cell phone off and leave the house without it so that I wouldn't obsess on where he was or what he was doing. It wasn't easy at first. But it got better. And slowly, my life found a little more balance.

Even when I was in the hospital, having my baby, my boyfriend was a flake. Can you believe that he left me by myself to go get high when I was in labor? Thank god I had gotten a little better at detaching and had pretty much accepted that he wasn't going to be a reliable birth coach (and father) by that point. Thank goodness I had decided to rely on my mom and sister as my birth coaches instead of him.

My son is seven now. And he is an awesome kid. Second grade. We do the best we can. We are a team. I wouldn't change it for the world. It breaks his heart (and mine) that his dad chose drugs instead of a life with us but I can't fix that. We just move forward. We have a great life. And I continue to do whatever it takes to be the best parent I can be so that my son has every opportunity in his life to achieve what his father couldn't.

Anyway, I'm sure that you will work through this sweetie. Unfortunately you can't do a lot to help him. His choices are his choices, as horrible and worrisome as they may be. You don't have to ruin your life, if he chooses to ruin his.

dollydo

Perhaps focusing on your homework may help you, right now graduating from high school and your baby should be your priorty.

Why not go no contact for awhile, he will live through the experience and so will you.

kyles

Well, then I guess what I'm always doing isn't worrying. I do a lot of that, but it's not all worry.

I'll try to look at it in that way, put some sort of positive spin on it. Maybe it'll help me not be so upset about it. I am surprised that he could have that in his pocket the entire time and not use it. He did look sick when he gave it to me, I could tell he wasn't compltely okay with it. He had to leave right away after he gave it to me, I think before he changed his mind. It's better than he ever could have done before rehab.

kyles

Thanks for sharing your story with me hello-kitty. I hope I can do as well as you have managed to do if I end up being a single parent. I'm not sitting here waiting for him to get better and be a perfect parent. I was at one point. The closer it gets, the more I realize I don't have time to wait around for that. I still don't want to give up hope on him yet. He wants to be involved. The thing that's so difficult for me is that when the drugs aren't involved, he's not a flake at all. In fact, even when the drugs are involved, he isn't completely unreliable. He went to every appointment, even if it meant putting off a much needed hit so he could be coherent. I know that sounds really pathetic, but it's not like I think that makes him a great guy or anything. But despite the drug use, he really is a great person. That's not enough to stay with him forever or put my child through all of this if he's not going to remain sober, I know that. Sometimes I just wish he was compltely terrible in every way, maybe it'd be easier for me. He'd make a great dad if he didn't have this addiction to deal with. I know I'm young and what do I know? But I've known him for a long time and I know his true nature.

Last night we got in a little argument after he told me he wanted to use again. I don't remember exactly what I said, but he said "What do you mean? I went to rehab for you! I went to rehab for our baby! I never wanted to go!" He apologized for it later and said that he chose to go because he wants to get clean and wants to be completely there for our child. I don't know what I should believe.

kyles

School is one of my lower priorities now. That's not good, I know. I don't have to try very hard to get good grades, luckily. I am trying to focus on school more and preparing for the baby. I don't have anything ready for the baby because that's always second in my mind. I wouldn't even be pregnant if it weren't for his addiction. I mean, I can't place all the blame on that, but it played a huge part in how I got here. I guess I'm also just stupid. The more I think about things, the more I realize about my co-dependence!

I can't go no contact right now, I won't bother trying. Realizing more and more, see.

dollydo

" I don't have anything ready for the baby because that's always second in my mind. I wouldn't even be pregnant if it weren't for his addiction. I mean, I can't place all the blame on that, but it played a huge part in how I got here.'

Ok, so the baby is second to abf...is that right? And you got preggie because he was an addict...all I can think of to say is Wow, new territory for me, I am finally speechless!

kyles

Well, I don't feel the baby is actually second in importance, but it's just sort of been pushed aside because I guess I've been telling myself, "I've got time to deal with that later." Time just crept up quickly and yesterday I had 6 months, but now I have 3. I think about the baby all the time, but I probably think about my bf and his issues a little more.
I got pregnant because I was stupid. The heroin had started to affect my bf's interest in sex and his ability to...finish? So I suggested doing it without a condom. Even when he was high, he thought that was a bad idea. We had always used a condom before that. I assured him it'd be fine, even though I'm not that dumb and I knew it really wasn't fine. I don't know why I did that.

FenwayFaithful

You did it because you weren't thinking straight. You weren't think about you or the consequences you'd suffer, you were putting him first. As we always do with our addicts, you were thinking "He can't get off, he deserves to so we won't use a condom" although it made you uncomfortable... I'm on the pill but my EXABF and I used to argue about condoms, and I normally just caved in the end because I didn't feel like what I wanted was as important.

I think you need to start thinking about you and the baby. Are you living with him right now? If so I would move out. Let him focus on his recovery and getting better. You need to focus on yourself and your baby. I don't think you want to be raising a newborn around all of this. And the stress of living with an addict can't be good for your pregnancy.

Heroin is a Hell of a drug and it honestly doesn't surprise me that he was lying to everyone, that's what addicts do. It's all they know. When the addiction takes over they are capable of anything. My Ex said he sits in his jail cell every day and thinks about just howe much drugs rob you of---your judgment, your motivation, your dignity...ALL gone once you use. And once you use, you just can't stop. And you dig yourself deeper and deeper in to the hole.

It seems like your boyfriend isn't truly committed to recovery. He probably needs a long term treatment program/sober house. It seems like perhaps he hasn't lost enough to be committed to recovery. Sometimes you have to lose everything, hit rock bottom before you can start to get better and sometimes you have to do it more then once.

The thing is his addiction isn't within your control. There's nothing you can do to save him. He might love you in his own addict selfish way but that love isn't enough. Nor is the feelings he has for the child you have together. His inteions may be good he may even tell himself "This is the last time" but the truth is until he changes it won't ever end. And you, this baby, his parents, whoever else cares about him, can't be the change for him. Only he can.

I am so sorry you are suffering the consequences of this, especially pregnant. But I really think you need to take a step back from this. Think about your son/daughter and your own happiness. It can't be wrapped up in his because it will bring you nothing but pain and misery.

You are without a doubt keeping the child, correct? Do you have a support system?

crazybabie

Kylie,

I can not say this will happen to you but I am concerned about your possible depression.
I was going through some depression when I was 25 and expecting my baby I didn't tell my doctor or anyone after she was born I diagnosed with postpartum depression.

I hope you have mentioned how your feeling too your doctor.