How do I not worry?
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He called me a while ago and said he went to the meeting. He sounded perfectly fine. I know what he sounds like when he's high, and he definitely wasn't. I can't change if he's going to use right now or not, but he said he wasn't going to tonight. I'm just going to believe him right now.
Yep. I tried to tell myself it wasn't just for that reason because it made me feel so pathetic, but that is why I did it.
We don't live together.
I'm not surprised he was lying either. He was always pretty honest about it with me, but he hid it from everyone else. I think once I found out, he couldn't deny it. I feel like he did want to tell someone, and he knew I probably wouldn't do anything about it. Not only did I not do anything about it, I lied for him to everyone else.
He hasn't really lost anything. His parents were paying most of his bills (they didn't know he was using heroin or using their money and all of his to buy it). His job was really lenient, so he didn't get fired. The most he suffered was failing one class and almost losing his place in the very selective degree program he's in at school, but by that point he didn't really care about those things that much anyway.
If he starts using again I will have to consider taking a step back, but at this point I can't. I don't want to do that.
I'm definitely keeping the baby, even though I have moments where I think that's the worst thing to do. My parents are supportive, as are his. His parents understand that he can't be involved if he starts using again. He can't be around the baby if he's high all the time. They still want to help and be involved regardless.
I haven't mentioned it to my doctor. I've not wanted to. I didn't feel like anyone would believe me, or like it was anything to get concerned over. I will next time if I still feel this way.
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful 
You did it because you weren't thinking straight. You weren't think about you or the consequences you'd suffer, you were putting him first. As we always do with our addicts, you were thinking "He can't get off, he deserves to so we won't use a condom" although it made you uncomfortable... I'm on the pill but my EXABF and I used to argue about condoms, and I normally just caved in the end because I didn't feel like what I wanted was as important.
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
I think you need to start thinking about you and the baby. Are you living with him right now? If so I would move out. Let him focus on his recovery and getting better. You need to focus on yourself and your baby. I don't think you want to be raising a newborn around all of this. And the stress of living with an addict can't be good for your pregnancy.
Heroin is a Hell of a drug and it honestly doesn't surprise me that he was lying to everyone, that's what addicts do. It's all they know. When the addiction takes over they are capable of anything. My Ex said he sits in his jail cell every day and thinks about just howe much drugs rob you of---your judgment, your motivation, your dignity...ALL gone once you use. And once you use, you just can't stop. And you dig yourself deeper and deeper in to the hole.
It seems like your boyfriend isn't truly committed to recovery. He probably needs a long term treatment program/sober house. It seems like perhaps he hasn't lost enough to be committed to recovery. Sometimes you have to lose everything, hit rock bottom before you can start to get better and sometimes you have to do it more then once.
The thing is his addiction isn't within your control. There's nothing you can do to save him. He might love you in his own addict selfish way but that love isn't enough. Nor is the feelings he has for the child you have together. His inteions may be good he may even tell himself "This is the last time" but the truth is until he changes it won't ever end. And you, this baby, his parents, whoever else cares about him, can't be the change for him. Only he can.
I am so sorry you are suffering the consequences of this, especially pregnant. But I really think you need to take a step back from this. Think about your son/daughter and your own happiness. It can't be wrapped up in his because it will bring you nothing but pain and misery.
You are without a doubt keeping the child, correct? Do you have a support system?
Heroin is a Hell of a drug and it honestly doesn't surprise me that he was lying to everyone, that's what addicts do. It's all they know. When the addiction takes over they are capable of anything. My Ex said he sits in his jail cell every day and thinks about just howe much drugs rob you of---your judgment, your motivation, your dignity...ALL gone once you use. And once you use, you just can't stop. And you dig yourself deeper and deeper in to the hole.
It seems like your boyfriend isn't truly committed to recovery. He probably needs a long term treatment program/sober house. It seems like perhaps he hasn't lost enough to be committed to recovery. Sometimes you have to lose everything, hit rock bottom before you can start to get better and sometimes you have to do it more then once.
The thing is his addiction isn't within your control. There's nothing you can do to save him. He might love you in his own addict selfish way but that love isn't enough. Nor is the feelings he has for the child you have together. His inteions may be good he may even tell himself "This is the last time" but the truth is until he changes it won't ever end. And you, this baby, his parents, whoever else cares about him, can't be the change for him. Only he can.
I am so sorry you are suffering the consequences of this, especially pregnant. But I really think you need to take a step back from this. Think about your son/daughter and your own happiness. It can't be wrapped up in his because it will bring you nothing but pain and misery.
You are without a doubt keeping the child, correct? Do you have a support system?
I'm not surprised he was lying either. He was always pretty honest about it with me, but he hid it from everyone else. I think once I found out, he couldn't deny it. I feel like he did want to tell someone, and he knew I probably wouldn't do anything about it. Not only did I not do anything about it, I lied for him to everyone else.
He hasn't really lost anything. His parents were paying most of his bills (they didn't know he was using heroin or using their money and all of his to buy it). His job was really lenient, so he didn't get fired. The most he suffered was failing one class and almost losing his place in the very selective degree program he's in at school, but by that point he didn't really care about those things that much anyway.
If he starts using again I will have to consider taking a step back, but at this point I can't. I don't want to do that.
I'm definitely keeping the baby, even though I have moments where I think that's the worst thing to do. My parents are supportive, as are his. His parents understand that he can't be involved if he starts using again. He can't be around the baby if he's high all the time. They still want to help and be involved regardless.
Originally Posted by crazybabie
Kylie,
I can not say this will happen to you but I am concerned about your possible depression.
I was going through some depression when I was 25 and expecting my baby I didn't tell my doctor or anyone after she was born I diagnosed with postpartum depression.
I hope you have mentioned how your feeling too your doctor.
I can not say this will happen to you but I am concerned about your possible depression.
I was going through some depression when I was 25 and expecting my baby I didn't tell my doctor or anyone after she was born I diagnosed with postpartum depression.
I hope you have mentioned how your feeling too your doctor.
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Kyles, I have to tell you - I'm really impressed that he gave you the heroin he bought and told you to get rid of it. A very "un-addict" thing to do. Of course, you don't know for sure that he didn't use some of it, or hold some in reserve, but still ... To have reached the point where he's basically decided to relapse, actually bought the drug, had it in hand ... and then gave it to you to get rid of? Wow. He's obviously struggling, and may not be so strong next time, but he gets an A for effort yesterday.
One thing that may help you feel a little less stressed and to refocus on you would be to make some decisions regarding your boundaries. Make some decisions now about what you will do if he relapses, and to what level you will tolerate the accompanying intolerable behavior. My primary boundary with my son was that I would be fully there for him if he was working on recovery, but wanted no part of him if he was actively using. Of course, "working on recovery" can be difficult to define, and you should give some careful thought to what you are willing to live with, particularly in light of the fact that you will now be responsible for a new little life. Your child deserves the best start in life, and having an active addict in your home and in regular contact with him/her would not be fair to your child.
One thing that may help you feel a little less stressed and to refocus on you would be to make some decisions regarding your boundaries. Make some decisions now about what you will do if he relapses, and to what level you will tolerate the accompanying intolerable behavior. My primary boundary with my son was that I would be fully there for him if he was working on recovery, but wanted no part of him if he was actively using. Of course, "working on recovery" can be difficult to define, and you should give some careful thought to what you are willing to live with, particularly in light of the fact that you will now be responsible for a new little life. Your child deserves the best start in life, and having an active addict in your home and in regular contact with him/her would not be fair to your child.
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"Kyles, I have to tell you - I'm really impressed that he gave you the heroin he bought and told you to get rid of it. A very "un-addict" thing to do."
Honestly, this really is not an unaddict thing to do, it is a manipulation tactic that has been used over and over by addicts...mine included. It is designed to throw a diehard codie off balance...give them a little glimmer of hope, so they jump right back in the fire feet first.
Honestly, this really is not an unaddict thing to do, it is a manipulation tactic that has been used over and over by addicts...mine included. It is designed to throw a diehard codie off balance...give them a little glimmer of hope, so they jump right back in the fire feet first.
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Working OUR recovery. Going to Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings, early and often, as they say. Having A program.
When we're doing that, our worries fade, replaced by other healthy thoughts.
These programs have tons of tools to deal with worry as well as regret. The programs work, if we work them.
When we're doing that, our worries fade, replaced by other healthy thoughts.
These programs have tons of tools to deal with worry as well as regret. The programs work, if we work them.
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Originally Posted by dollydo
"Kyles, I have to tell you - I'm really impressed that he gave you the heroin he bought and told you to get rid of it. A very "un-addict" thing to do."
Honestly, this really is not an unaddict thing to do, it is a manipulation tactic that has been used over and over by addicts...mine included. It is designed to throw a diehard codie off balance...give them a little glimmer of hope, so they jump right back in the fire feet first.
Honestly, this really is not an unaddict thing to do, it is a manipulation tactic that has been used over and over by addicts...mine included. It is designed to throw a diehard codie off balance...give them a little glimmer of hope, so they jump right back in the fire feet first.
It may actually have been heroin in this case, Kylie, and he may be sincere. It's too soon to tell. Try not to read meaning into anything. Just focus on keeping yourself sane.
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Whatever your boyfriend's motivation in giving you the heroin, the fact that the whole scenario happened makes it very clear how dangerously close he is to relapse.
I wouldn't assume that because an addict gives you his drug ostensibly to keep himself from using, and then you find that he in fact used almost immediately thereafter (or within the same time-frame), that his giving it to you was a deliberate attempt to manipulate. It may have been. Or it may have been that he was a halr's breadth from relapse, gave you the drug in an attempt to stay clean, and almost immediately regretted it. The relapse "snowball" was halfway down the hill, and his giving you the drug he had just purchased was like putting a matchstick fence in the way of the giant snowball careening down the hill. I've seen this happen to a friend of mine who is a recovering cocaine addict -- clean for 2 1/2 years, then a brief relapse that happened as I've just described. She doubled-down on recovery activities after these events and is clean now again.
BUT ... to the OP ... all of this is out of your control anyway. I can understand your boyfriend's desire to lean on you so heavily in working on his recovery, but it certainly is not good for you. If nothing else, his actions demonstrate how real (and likely?) the possibility is of relapse, and you need to decide what your boundaries will be if this occurs.
I wouldn't assume that because an addict gives you his drug ostensibly to keep himself from using, and then you find that he in fact used almost immediately thereafter (or within the same time-frame), that his giving it to you was a deliberate attempt to manipulate. It may have been. Or it may have been that he was a halr's breadth from relapse, gave you the drug in an attempt to stay clean, and almost immediately regretted it. The relapse "snowball" was halfway down the hill, and his giving you the drug he had just purchased was like putting a matchstick fence in the way of the giant snowball careening down the hill. I've seen this happen to a friend of mine who is a recovering cocaine addict -- clean for 2 1/2 years, then a brief relapse that happened as I've just described. She doubled-down on recovery activities after these events and is clean now again.
BUT ... to the OP ... all of this is out of your control anyway. I can understand your boyfriend's desire to lean on you so heavily in working on his recovery, but it certainly is not good for you. If nothing else, his actions demonstrate how real (and likely?) the possibility is of relapse, and you need to decide what your boundaries will be if this occurs.
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Originally Posted by SeekingGrowth
One thing that may help you feel a little less stressed and to refocus on you would be to make some decisions regarding your boundaries. Make some decisions now about what you will do if he relapses, and to what level you will tolerate the accompanying intolerable behavior. My primary boundary with my son was that I would be fully there for him if he was working on recovery, but wanted no part of him if he was actively using. Of course, "working on recovery" can be difficult to define, and you should give some careful thought to what you are willing to live with, particularly in light of the fact that you will now be responsible for a new little life. Your child deserves the best start in life, and having an active addict in your home and in regular contact with him/her would not be fair to your child.
Originally Posted by SeekingGrowth
Whatever your boyfriend's motivation in giving you the heroin, the fact that the whole scenario happened makes it very clear how dangerously close he is to relapse.
I wouldn't assume that because an addict gives you his drug ostensibly to keep himself from using, and then you find that he in fact used almost immediately thereafter (or within the same time-frame), that his giving it to you was a deliberate attempt to manipulate. It may have been. Or it may have been that he was a halr's breadth from relapse, gave you the drug in an attempt to stay clean, and almost immediately regretted it. The relapse "snowball" was halfway down the hill, and his giving you the drug he had just purchased was like putting a matchstick fence in the way of the giant snowball careening down the hill. I've seen this happen to a friend of mine who is a recovering cocaine addict -- clean for 2 1/2 years, then a brief relapse that happened as I've just described. She doubled-down on recovery activities after these events and is clean now again.
BUT ... to the OP ... all of this is out of your control anyway. I can understand your boyfriend's desire to lean on you so heavily in working on his recovery, but it certainly is not good for you. If nothing else, his actions demonstrate how real (and likely?) the possibility is of relapse, and you need to decide what your boundaries will be if this occurs.
I wouldn't assume that because an addict gives you his drug ostensibly to keep himself from using, and then you find that he in fact used almost immediately thereafter (or within the same time-frame), that his giving it to you was a deliberate attempt to manipulate. It may have been. Or it may have been that he was a halr's breadth from relapse, gave you the drug in an attempt to stay clean, and almost immediately regretted it. The relapse "snowball" was halfway down the hill, and his giving you the drug he had just purchased was like putting a matchstick fence in the way of the giant snowball careening down the hill. I've seen this happen to a friend of mine who is a recovering cocaine addict -- clean for 2 1/2 years, then a brief relapse that happened as I've just described. She doubled-down on recovery activities after these events and is clean now again.
BUT ... to the OP ... all of this is out of your control anyway. I can understand your boyfriend's desire to lean on you so heavily in working on his recovery, but it certainly is not good for you. If nothing else, his actions demonstrate how real (and likely?) the possibility is of relapse, and you need to decide what your boundaries will be if this occurs.
I haven't talked to him at all today, so I don't even know how he is right now. I'll let him call me, I guess.
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We don't really know what's in that baggie, do we?
Get your Al-Anon team on board to help you follow through!
Wouldn't you be better off having no expectations, even doubting, as the relapse rate with heroin is SO high? Prepare for the worst, but be content if it turns out differently?
Wouldn't it be better to trust a long pattern of clear actions, rather than words or just one deed?
Keep up the hard work, your posting here and your awesome recovery work thus far!
Get your Al-Anon team on board to help you follow through!
Wouldn't you be better off having no expectations, even doubting, as the relapse rate with heroin is SO high? Prepare for the worst, but be content if it turns out differently?
Wouldn't it be better to trust a long pattern of clear actions, rather than words or just one deed?
Keep up the hard work, your posting here and your awesome recovery work thus far!
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No, I don't really know what was in it 100%, but it sure looked like heroin. Would he go through that much trouble to make something that looked like heroin and give it to me to throw me off. He's never done anything like that before. I don't think that was the case.
I don't think I have really high expectations. I have high hopes. I think a lot of what everyone says are really good ideas and theories, but they're very hard to put into practice.
The thing is, which may be a fault on my part, is that I don't doubt a lot of what he says or does. I do trust him already. What's wrong with me? I just start to question things after I talk to others it seems, which isn't a bad thing.
I don't think I have really high expectations. I have high hopes. I think a lot of what everyone says are really good ideas and theories, but they're very hard to put into practice.
The thing is, which may be a fault on my part, is that I don't doubt a lot of what he says or does. I do trust him already. What's wrong with me? I just start to question things after I talk to others it seems, which isn't a bad thing.
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Do you know what heroin looks like? WHen my son flushed the "dummy" pills, I was positive they were percocet...it wasn't until I found the empty bottle that I realized I'd been "had."
But it doesn't matter if it was or it wasn't. It doesn't matter if he was sincere or manipulating you. You WILL make yourself crazy trying to figure it out and cover all the angles. You need to tell yourself "STOP" every time a thought about his recovery comes into your brain.
It also is not healthy for him to be involving you in that way - if he is serious about recovery his case manager from rehab or sponsor from NA/AA should be the person he turns to about recovery issues- not his 17 year old pregnant girlfriend who already has so much on her plate.
But it doesn't matter if it was or it wasn't. It doesn't matter if he was sincere or manipulating you. You WILL make yourself crazy trying to figure it out and cover all the angles. You need to tell yourself "STOP" every time a thought about his recovery comes into your brain.
It also is not healthy for him to be involving you in that way - if he is serious about recovery his case manager from rehab or sponsor from NA/AA should be the person he turns to about recovery issues- not his 17 year old pregnant girlfriend who already has so much on her plate.
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Originally Posted by SundaysChild
Do you know what heroin looks like? WHen my son flushed the "dummy" pills, I was positive they were percocet...it wasn't until I found the empty bottle that I realized I'd been "had."
But it doesn't matter if it was or it wasn't. It doesn't matter if he was sincere or manipulating you. You WILL make yourself crazy trying to figure it out and cover all the angles. You need to tell yourself "STOP" every time a thought about his recovery comes into your brain.
It also is not healthy for him to be involving you in that way - if he is serious about recovery his case manager from rehab or sponsor from NA/AA should be the person he turns to about recovery issues- not his 17 year old pregnant girlfriend who already has so much on her plate.
But it doesn't matter if it was or it wasn't. It doesn't matter if he was sincere or manipulating you. You WILL make yourself crazy trying to figure it out and cover all the angles. You need to tell yourself "STOP" every time a thought about his recovery comes into your brain.
It also is not healthy for him to be involving you in that way - if he is serious about recovery his case manager from rehab or sponsor from NA/AA should be the person he turns to about recovery issues- not his 17 year old pregnant girlfriend who already has so much on her plate.
I never thought he was trying to manipulate me until other people brought that up. I guess it's important for me to realize that could happen, because I never thought of that before. I'm not really worried about that aspect of it though, because I know what I believe. But you're right, it really doesn't matter in the end.
He won't open up to them. When he gave me the bag last night and told me to get rid of it, I told him he really needed to talk to his counselors and therapist about this. I really thinks he withholds a lot from them. This has been my problem throughout his addiction. I've been the one he confides in, the one who knows more than most other people about what's going on. It's a really difficult position to be in because obviously I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do, which I realize now.
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Originally Posted by kyles
He won't open up to them. When he gave me the bag last night and told me to get rid of it, I told him he really needed to talk to his counselors and therapist about this. I really thinks he withholds a lot from them. This has been my problem throughout his addiction. I've been the one he confides in, the one who knows more than most other people about what's going on. It's a really difficult position to be in because obviously I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do, which I realize now.
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But I feel bad saying I won't talk about it at all. I don't mind that he confides in me about it. I don't want him to not talk to me about it. Maybe that's the only way to get him to talk to someone else, I don't know. Truthfully, I don't know how much he's sharing with those at his meetings now. Maybe he is talking to them more than I think - that's one thing he doesn't tell me a lot about.
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"I know what it looks like. I've seen what it looks like when he buys it and I've watched him prepare it and use it on many occasions. I'm not saying that just by looking I could be 100% sure."
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, holding your baby in your arms and watching him shoot drugs in his arms?
One set of arms holds the baby tight, the other rips the babies life apart.
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, holding your baby in your arms and watching him shoot drugs in his arms?
One set of arms holds the baby tight, the other rips the babies life apart.
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Originally Posted by zoso77
I don't think we stop worrying about people that we care about. I don't expect you to stop worrying about your ABF. But you can't let worry, or your fear of what may happen to him, dictate your behavior. I hate to say this, but if he picks up, he picks up. Remember:
* You didn't cause it
* You can't cure it
* You can't control it
The thing you have to practice is detaching with love. You can wish the best for him, and you can want him to not pick up, but you can't prevent him from doing whatever he's going to do.
I encourage you to find an Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting in your area, and listen to how others have learned how to detach with love. It takes practice, but it's doable.
Good luck.
Best,
ZoSo
* You didn't cause it
* You can't cure it
* You can't control it
The thing you have to practice is detaching with love. You can wish the best for him, and you can want him to not pick up, but you can't prevent him from doing whatever he's going to do.
I encourage you to find an Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting in your area, and listen to how others have learned how to detach with love. It takes practice, but it's doable.
Good luck.
Best,
ZoSo
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Kyles - You are a very young woman. You are about to have a child of your own. You have an education to concentrate on. You have more than enough on your plate and he is asking way too much of you right now. Please -- for your sake and the sake of your baby -- take a step back otherwise you will very soon be drowning in misery and confusion. Step back so that he can learn to stand on his own two feet. I think what SundaysChild suggested above is spot on.
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Originally Posted by dollydo
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, holding your baby in your arms and watching him shoot drugs in his arms?
One set of arms holds the baby tight, the other rips the babies life apart.
One set of arms holds the baby tight, the other rips the babies life apart.
Originally Posted by tjp613
Kyles - You are a very young woman. You are about to have a child of your own. You have an education to concentrate on. You have more than enough on your plate and he is asking way too much of you right now. Please -- for your sake and the sake of your baby -- take a step back otherwise you will very soon be drowning in misery and confusion. Step back so that he can learn to stand on his own two feet. I think what SundaysChild suggested above is spot on.
I have homework to do. I admit I've put it off all weekend. But throughout this homework assignment, I was talking to him about all his stuff and what should have taken 20 minutes took me over an hour. I never realize how much time I spent dealing with his stuff. Before he went to rehab, I was staying up until at least 2 am so I could text him around the time he usually took his last shot of heroin for the night, just so I could be sure he was going to be ok each time.
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Hi Kylie,
I will tell you a little bit about my experience with my husband going through rehab and returning home, and maybe it will be of some help; at least another viewpoint.
But first, I want to comment on the part about how you spent the day with him, and then he handed you the bag of heroin before he left and asked you to get rid of it. Im sure that was a shock to you. But in my opinion it was a big step for him. It is very early in his recovery, and he is going to have to face down temptation many times early on, and maybe for a long time. Every time he makes a good decision it can help strengthen him. So yes, he gave in, and got the heroin. But in the end, after whatever occurred during the day; he turned to you, someone he trusts and he asked you to get rid of it for him before his good judgment failed him. Although scary to know he is that close to picking up again; be encouraged that he dug deep and found the strength to say no…. this time. I would consider it an accomplishment.
My husband went through 90 days non -12 step rehab with some outpatient. We had a lot of interaction during his rehab, and also went through marriage counseling / couples therapy simultaneously. We were encouraged to talk & share. Its slightly different maybe in that we are married, but still what I think is that you as a couple will have to find your own balance in communication and talking about his recovery and all the associated feelings and fears that come from that on both sides. What we did has worked for us; but for others maybe it wouldn’t. People are all different, and thoughts on recovery are also varied.
Having said that, I don’t think it is wise to become overly involved with his recovery, his moods, and daily routine that you get to the point where you neglect your life. While you are a couple; you are also both independent people. Its my opinion that the stronger you are individually, the stronger you will be as a couple.
And that is the other piece of the puzzle. Relationships are made up of lots of things. And if you spend too much time focusing on just the addiction / recovery / worry aspect of the relationship; then all the other good, fun, couple things are going to possibly fall away. You don’t want to lose all the good things that brought you together in the first place .
My husband and I have a son; he is just coming out of the infant stage and turning into a baby. There is so much joy to experience with him everyday. My husband is totally in love with his son, and he is focused on being a good dad; a clean, drug free dad. I realize that my husband may slip up, or he could suffer a major relapse, or he could walk out and delve deep into addiction. It’s a possibility. It is something that I have accepted, but I do not focus on it. What we have is worth the risk to me; but that does not mean it is so for everyone. We all have to make that choice.
If you decide to stay with him, then you have to learn to curb your worry. Of course you are going to always have concern, and there will be things that happen that cause you to seriously worry. Every now and then, well that is life. The type of worry that paralyzes you from going about life on a continuous basis is what I would I try to look out for.
What Ive come to realize is that my worrying does not accomplish anything productive. My husband is in control of his life, and I have to trust that he 1) wants to stay clean 2) has learned from rehab things that will help him do that 3) that he has a plan in place if he feels like he is headed towards that road again. 4) we will deal with relapse if it happens and we have a plan.
For him, part of that involves working with a psychiatrist once a week. Ive also told him that regardless of when or where; if he needs to talk to me about relapse, or a trigger, etc. Im always here for him. I guess that is my way of putting it out there as a standing invitation, so I don’t remind him all the time, and add any extra pressure. I think of it kinda like when your mom would ask all day how something was going, and after the first couple times it just became annoying. And really I already knew she was there if I needed to talk about it.
Oh and one last thing, I would not go down the road of paranoia, and second guessing my instincts. It is good to acknowledge that addicts lie, and they try to manipulate because they want to keep using and pacify us. But, it is a dangerous thing to start wide speculation because truly there could be no end to it. And in my opinion it will erode the relationship. I think if he starts using again, his behavior and attitude will show you; maybe not on day 1, but over time. Trust your instincts.
My husband has been home now for 2 months and things are going better than I expected actually. If he keeps moving forward in his reovery, it will become easier.
I will tell you a little bit about my experience with my husband going through rehab and returning home, and maybe it will be of some help; at least another viewpoint.
But first, I want to comment on the part about how you spent the day with him, and then he handed you the bag of heroin before he left and asked you to get rid of it. Im sure that was a shock to you. But in my opinion it was a big step for him. It is very early in his recovery, and he is going to have to face down temptation many times early on, and maybe for a long time. Every time he makes a good decision it can help strengthen him. So yes, he gave in, and got the heroin. But in the end, after whatever occurred during the day; he turned to you, someone he trusts and he asked you to get rid of it for him before his good judgment failed him. Although scary to know he is that close to picking up again; be encouraged that he dug deep and found the strength to say no…. this time. I would consider it an accomplishment.
My husband went through 90 days non -12 step rehab with some outpatient. We had a lot of interaction during his rehab, and also went through marriage counseling / couples therapy simultaneously. We were encouraged to talk & share. Its slightly different maybe in that we are married, but still what I think is that you as a couple will have to find your own balance in communication and talking about his recovery and all the associated feelings and fears that come from that on both sides. What we did has worked for us; but for others maybe it wouldn’t. People are all different, and thoughts on recovery are also varied.
Having said that, I don’t think it is wise to become overly involved with his recovery, his moods, and daily routine that you get to the point where you neglect your life. While you are a couple; you are also both independent people. Its my opinion that the stronger you are individually, the stronger you will be as a couple.
And that is the other piece of the puzzle. Relationships are made up of lots of things. And if you spend too much time focusing on just the addiction / recovery / worry aspect of the relationship; then all the other good, fun, couple things are going to possibly fall away. You don’t want to lose all the good things that brought you together in the first place .
My husband and I have a son; he is just coming out of the infant stage and turning into a baby. There is so much joy to experience with him everyday. My husband is totally in love with his son, and he is focused on being a good dad; a clean, drug free dad. I realize that my husband may slip up, or he could suffer a major relapse, or he could walk out and delve deep into addiction. It’s a possibility. It is something that I have accepted, but I do not focus on it. What we have is worth the risk to me; but that does not mean it is so for everyone. We all have to make that choice.
If you decide to stay with him, then you have to learn to curb your worry. Of course you are going to always have concern, and there will be things that happen that cause you to seriously worry. Every now and then, well that is life. The type of worry that paralyzes you from going about life on a continuous basis is what I would I try to look out for.
What Ive come to realize is that my worrying does not accomplish anything productive. My husband is in control of his life, and I have to trust that he 1) wants to stay clean 2) has learned from rehab things that will help him do that 3) that he has a plan in place if he feels like he is headed towards that road again. 4) we will deal with relapse if it happens and we have a plan.
For him, part of that involves working with a psychiatrist once a week. Ive also told him that regardless of when or where; if he needs to talk to me about relapse, or a trigger, etc. Im always here for him. I guess that is my way of putting it out there as a standing invitation, so I don’t remind him all the time, and add any extra pressure. I think of it kinda like when your mom would ask all day how something was going, and after the first couple times it just became annoying. And really I already knew she was there if I needed to talk about it.
Oh and one last thing, I would not go down the road of paranoia, and second guessing my instincts. It is good to acknowledge that addicts lie, and they try to manipulate because they want to keep using and pacify us. But, it is a dangerous thing to start wide speculation because truly there could be no end to it. And in my opinion it will erode the relationship. I think if he starts using again, his behavior and attitude will show you; maybe not on day 1, but over time. Trust your instincts.
My husband has been home now for 2 months and things are going better than I expected actually. If he keeps moving forward in his reovery, it will become easier.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Hey Kyles,
So glad to hear you have support around you. It's fantastic that you understand something of codependency and how addiction is a family illness- yes, you probably have become depressed, there's nothing like the chaos that surrounds addiction to have anyone sucked down into a pit of panic and helplessness. You are beginning to focus on you (and your baby He may use, he may not - even he can't tell you that. Be proud of any baby steps you take and build on them, hold on to any insights you have about yourself -your reply to FenwayFaithful (re getting pregnant) was honest to yourself - "Yep. I tried to tell myself it wasn't just for that reason because it made me feel so pathetic, but that is why I did it." It's so easy for us to give our lives up in so many ways, big and small - it's not necessary or effective. Keep learning how you can help yourself, what's healthy for you will be healthy for all around you.
So glad to hear you have support around you. It's fantastic that you understand something of codependency and how addiction is a family illness- yes, you probably have become depressed, there's nothing like the chaos that surrounds addiction to have anyone sucked down into a pit of panic and helplessness. You are beginning to focus on you (and your baby
He may use, he may not - even he can't tell you that. Be proud of any baby steps you take and build on them, hold on to any insights you have about yourself -your reply to FenwayFaithful (re getting pregnant) was honest to yourself - "Yep. I tried to tell myself it wasn't just for that reason because it made me feel so pathetic, but that is why I did it." It's so easy for us to give our lives up in so many ways, big and small - it's not necessary or effective. Keep learning how you can help yourself, what's healthy for you will be healthy for all around you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I found that the only way that I could learn how to stop worrying and focusing on someone else was to work my own recovery program in Naranon/Alanon. I decided to work the same program for myself that I wanted "him" to work. If I wanted him to get a sponsor - I got a sponsor. If I wanted him to talk at meetings - I went to meetings and talked. If I wanted him to work the steps with a sponsor - I worked the steps with a sponsor.
I found that doing those things really helped me to get my mind off of him. I was very aware of how sick my thinking had become and I was at a loss of how to change. There were things that I could do to make things different - I just had to do them. A recovery meeting is one place that I feel that I can go depressed, in tears, disheveled, whatever.... I can't make any excuses about being accepted exactly the way that I am. The people there aren't afraid of pain and raw emotions. They can't solve my problems but they sure can teach me the tools that hand me blessed relief.
I found that doing those things really helped me to get my mind off of him. I was very aware of how sick my thinking had become and I was at a loss of how to change. There were things that I could do to make things different - I just had to do them. A recovery meeting is one place that I feel that I can go depressed, in tears, disheveled, whatever.... I can't make any excuses about being accepted exactly the way that I am. The people there aren't afraid of pain and raw emotions. They can't solve my problems but they sure can teach me the tools that hand me blessed relief.
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