To forgive or not to forgive?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 21
To forgive or not to forgive?
Hello all,
I am having mixed feelings about forgiving with my addict. How can I forgive him for the lying and stealing? How can I forgive him for the debt he has put me and my family in? Any advice on how you have dealt with it?
To me money can always be made so the money can be repaid eventually. But what about pawned items? What about sentimental things I can never get back for me and for my family. It is so hard when things that were taken were given by deceased family members. Oooh how to deal?
I have been to nar anon meetings in person and on the phone and I am on this website daily for support, as well as reading a ton of literature on addiction.
Thanks for your help
I am having mixed feelings about forgiving with my addict. How can I forgive him for the lying and stealing? How can I forgive him for the debt he has put me and my family in? Any advice on how you have dealt with it?
To me money can always be made so the money can be repaid eventually. But what about pawned items? What about sentimental things I can never get back for me and for my family. It is so hard when things that were taken were given by deceased family members. Oooh how to deal?
I have been to nar anon meetings in person and on the phone and I am on this website daily for support, as well as reading a ton of literature on addiction.
Thanks for your help
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
The problem is you don't know if your addict will do it again or not. To stay in a relationship with someone who stole from you would be hard to trust again IMO. He would have to do a lot of work to regain my trust. That is what you are dealing with--regaining trust. I think you can forgive someone and move on though never forgetting what they did to you. Just don't allow yourself to be in a position for that person to keep abusing you. Do you think your addict is trustworthy now? Has he proven himself to you? You risk repeating the past otherwise.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Forgiveness is something you do for you, to avoid the hurts turning into lingering resentments that will poison you. Forgiving does not mean you choose to stay in a relationship or that you don't hold someone accountable for their actions. You can report a theft to the police, yet forgive the thief for the pain they've caused you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Right now I would work on me, get to meetings, read Codependent No More and strap myself in, IMO this is only the tip of the iceburg, more fun to be had.
When it is finally over I would then concentrate on forgiveness, seems way to soon for me.
Take care of you.
When it is finally over I would then concentrate on forgiveness, seems way to soon for me.
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
This is a REAL hard one for me. Currently, I'm happy and really content with my life. I'm letting go a little bit as time passes when my xah did to me, but I just can't forget. I don't feel like I am harboring resentment and/or it is eating me away inside. I'm not a bitter person at all. In fact, I feel more warmth and compassion for people. I have to deal with my xah, and I think he is a jerk. He keeps lying and just doing one thing after another that shows me he is not in recovery. Therefore, I really have nothing but disgust for him. Now, if he would straighten out his life and act like a mature adult and make good choice after good choice (I just lol) THEN I might be friends with him and forgive him....but it would take years and years of rebuilding trust to really forgive the person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
I think the ability to forgive is based on many factors. Part of it comes from your spiritual beliefs, upbringing, personal past history with betrayal, abuse, damage that has been done to you. And also, I think whats important is the connection between the people involved.
I think forgiveness is done to grant yourself peace within. For me, it is saying that I am letting it go, and Im giving up my right to hold a grudge, or seek revenge. It is not saying that I approve of what was done, or denying that it was painful or hurtful to me.
I also think forgiveness is done to re-establish, or strengthen relationships between people. Its hard to move forward if you are stuck in the past, or hold bitterness. So with my husband for example, if there was pain in the past and Ive forgiven him; then I never resort to bringing that back up. Its done. Its over.
Its very hard when you have lost something of sentimental value. I understand and agree with what you are saying. Some things cannot be replaced. Even money offered cannot cover the loss. Its rather like your home caught on fire, and those treasures were taken. In time, the object is replaced with the memory. Or in some cases, you can find a close match and transfer some of the sentimentality to it.
My son is the substance abuser for me. I truly cannot image anything that I could not forgive him for. Its just something in my heart that offers that to him.
He has never stole anything personal from me; but he did recently vandalize our pool the day before our Labor Day party because he was angry and hurt. (long story). It hurt because it was done with the intent to bring us pain. Sure we opted to spend a couple thousand dollars to have the pool refurbished within 24 hours, but it wasn’t losing the money that hurt; it was knowing he did it to cause us emotional pain. I guess in your case; did he know he was taking sentimental items which would cause you the most pain? Probably not, but would that have stopped him? Probably not because his need to obtain the drugs was more powerful than any other thoughts in his mind.
I personally never think it is too soon to begin thinking about forgiveness, because it is done to give you peace of mind. It doesn’t mean that you are weak in any way. Sometimes it means you are strong. It also does not hold for future actions that might come your way; especially likely if he keeps using drugs.
I was reading earlier about what you wrote about your mother. And her not understating’ about the drugs, and stealing. I can somewhat relate to her when you said even if she knew your boyfriend was responsible, she would not file a report, she wouldn’t want the hassle, and she would just let it go.
My husband and I have had a couple of situations where people that worked in our home stole from us. Obviously, once we found out they never worked for us again. But, we did not feel any need to pursue legal action against them. In one instance, the item was returned. It was a pretty expensive piece of lawn equipment. In the other instance, the item was long gone. It was easier for us to just write it off, and have a bit of pity for the person who stole it. Having the person arrested, or facing criminal charges would have been within our rights, but it just wasn’t something we had an interest in pursuing.
On the other hand, had a stranger broke into our home and cleaned us out; well yes we would want justice for all the pain and suffering, and we would have to be compensated through insurance which would require a police investigation.
I have to be very cautious with things like this because I never want to become jaded, or hardened, or always paranoid that someone is going to try to take advantage of me. I dont forget the dangers of the world; but I cant live behind a wall so tall no one gets to me because Im afraid of getting hurt. I think this is where forgiveness comes in. So, I try to just live where I can take it all in, and release as necessary.
I think forgiveness is done to grant yourself peace within. For me, it is saying that I am letting it go, and Im giving up my right to hold a grudge, or seek revenge. It is not saying that I approve of what was done, or denying that it was painful or hurtful to me.
I also think forgiveness is done to re-establish, or strengthen relationships between people. Its hard to move forward if you are stuck in the past, or hold bitterness. So with my husband for example, if there was pain in the past and Ive forgiven him; then I never resort to bringing that back up. Its done. Its over.
Its very hard when you have lost something of sentimental value. I understand and agree with what you are saying. Some things cannot be replaced. Even money offered cannot cover the loss. Its rather like your home caught on fire, and those treasures were taken. In time, the object is replaced with the memory. Or in some cases, you can find a close match and transfer some of the sentimentality to it.
My son is the substance abuser for me. I truly cannot image anything that I could not forgive him for. Its just something in my heart that offers that to him.
He has never stole anything personal from me; but he did recently vandalize our pool the day before our Labor Day party because he was angry and hurt. (long story). It hurt because it was done with the intent to bring us pain. Sure we opted to spend a couple thousand dollars to have the pool refurbished within 24 hours, but it wasn’t losing the money that hurt; it was knowing he did it to cause us emotional pain. I guess in your case; did he know he was taking sentimental items which would cause you the most pain? Probably not, but would that have stopped him? Probably not because his need to obtain the drugs was more powerful than any other thoughts in his mind.
I personally never think it is too soon to begin thinking about forgiveness, because it is done to give you peace of mind. It doesn’t mean that you are weak in any way. Sometimes it means you are strong. It also does not hold for future actions that might come your way; especially likely if he keeps using drugs.
I was reading earlier about what you wrote about your mother. And her not understating’ about the drugs, and stealing. I can somewhat relate to her when you said even if she knew your boyfriend was responsible, she would not file a report, she wouldn’t want the hassle, and she would just let it go.
My husband and I have had a couple of situations where people that worked in our home stole from us. Obviously, once we found out they never worked for us again. But, we did not feel any need to pursue legal action against them. In one instance, the item was returned. It was a pretty expensive piece of lawn equipment. In the other instance, the item was long gone. It was easier for us to just write it off, and have a bit of pity for the person who stole it. Having the person arrested, or facing criminal charges would have been within our rights, but it just wasn’t something we had an interest in pursuing.
On the other hand, had a stranger broke into our home and cleaned us out; well yes we would want justice for all the pain and suffering, and we would have to be compensated through insurance which would require a police investigation.
I have to be very cautious with things like this because I never want to become jaded, or hardened, or always paranoid that someone is going to try to take advantage of me. I dont forget the dangers of the world; but I cant live behind a wall so tall no one gets to me because Im afraid of getting hurt. I think this is where forgiveness comes in. So, I try to just live where I can take it all in, and release as necessary.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I've researched quite a bit on this because I thought that in order for me to be healthy I can't hold on to resentment, anger and regrets and the forgiveness will free me. However as I'm trying to work on myself to forgive him, I realized that I need to forgive myself first. I am so disappointed in myself for allowing myself to stay and enable for so long, for lying to myself and rationalizing his devastating behavior. I look back now and I'm disgusted with myself. I don't trust myself right now to make the right decisions. I wasn't the one with the addiction. I should have known better. I've let myself and my children down. I am human and we make mistakes. I've been given the gift of realizing what I was doing to myself and my kids. So, I'm taking that gift and working really hard on myself to rebuild and slowly work on myself one day at a time to forgive myself because I deserve that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
I once read that hanging on to past hurts, resentments, grudges--in other words, refusing to forgive--is like drinking rat poison and expecting the other person to die.
I struggle with the forgiveness thing. But I think of the people who have forgiven much greater betrayals than I have known, and I try, inch by inch, to approach that kind of grace. Or, at least, leave some space for it to work in my life.
So sorry for your pain. Hope you gain some strength and peace here. Much wisdom and experience on SR.
Blessings.
I struggle with the forgiveness thing. But I think of the people who have forgiven much greater betrayals than I have known, and I try, inch by inch, to approach that kind of grace. Or, at least, leave some space for it to work in my life.
So sorry for your pain. Hope you gain some strength and peace here. Much wisdom and experience on SR.
Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
I like what this author said about Forgiveness.
#18 Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself
#18 Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Playing the devil's advocate here.....
Some people forgive and seemingly forget a lot of things to protect and sustain their own codependency. Some use forgivness to remain a victim instead of setting boundaries and changing their own outlook.
Letting go of resentments is healthy. Living without boundaries is not.
Some people forgive and seemingly forget a lot of things to protect and sustain their own codependency. Some use forgivness to remain a victim instead of setting boundaries and changing their own outlook.
Letting go of resentments is healthy. Living without boundaries is not.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
dearheart,
forgiveness is a step far down the road after being violated. i liked what outtolunch said.
we want to forgive because it feels so rotten to be stuck, and because we believe it will feel good, and be liberating. but if it's premature it's simply not genuine.
forgiveness seems to be a process, to me. after three years of breaking ties with my significant other addict, i'm almost all the way there.
i don't know if this is messed up, but it also seems that moving on in positive ways, and simply being happy makes forgiveness come more easily.
trust the process. keep coming here.
forgiveness is a step far down the road after being violated. i liked what outtolunch said.
we want to forgive because it feels so rotten to be stuck, and because we believe it will feel good, and be liberating. but if it's premature it's simply not genuine.
forgiveness seems to be a process, to me. after three years of breaking ties with my significant other addict, i'm almost all the way there.
i don't know if this is messed up, but it also seems that moving on in positive ways, and simply being happy makes forgiveness come more easily.
trust the process. keep coming here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
I think the trick is to make sure that we separate forgiveness from forgetting. Addiction is a disease, and symptoms of the disease are lying, stealing, manipulating, betrayal - all to protect the addiction. Addiction tricks the middle part of the brain, below consciousness, into thinking that the substance is necessary for survival, which then prompts the conscious part of the brain to do whatever it takes to get the necessary substance. We all know this. So why is it so hard to forgive? Inability to forgive suggests to me an expectation that the addict should behave according to normal ethical principles; yet we all know that an addict can't do that, and he/she has to do whatever it takes to get that necessary substance. Addicts lie. They steal. Not because they are bad people, but because they are sick. We can't forgive sickness?
Forgiving doesn't mean condoning. It doesn't mean the behavior is OK, and it doesn't mean forgetting. We have to take steps to protect ourselves from the active addict. The whole situation is heartbreaking, but it's not as though the addict is behaving in this reprehensible way because his goal is to hurt us. It has nothing to do with us. If our addicts weren't addicts, then the behavior would be unforgivable as well as intolerable. But to me, because I know that the behavior is disease-driven, it is forgivable. Still intolerable, still causing me heartache, making me sad because of the boundaries I am forced to draw for self-protection - but certainly forgivable.
Forgiving doesn't mean condoning. It doesn't mean the behavior is OK, and it doesn't mean forgetting. We have to take steps to protect ourselves from the active addict. The whole situation is heartbreaking, but it's not as though the addict is behaving in this reprehensible way because his goal is to hurt us. It has nothing to do with us. If our addicts weren't addicts, then the behavior would be unforgivable as well as intolerable. But to me, because I know that the behavior is disease-driven, it is forgivable. Still intolerable, still causing me heartache, making me sad because of the boundaries I am forced to draw for self-protection - but certainly forgivable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Follow-up thought: Maybe a lack of forgiveness and anger are psychologically necessary to allow us to take the very difficult steps of letting go, stop rescuing, stop enabling. It is so difficult to not rescue someone you love from painful circumstances when you have the wherewithal to do so, and yet such detachment is necessary both for our own sanity and to provide the best chance for our addicted love one to find recovery.
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