Miller05

my husband is a coke addict and went to work everyday (a history teacher), paid the mortgage, was home at 3pm everyday...and helped around the house and with the baby.

little did i know that he was out in our garage getting drunk and doing coke at least 4-5 times a week from what he admits to....while i was asleep. this garage was always locked and of course i didnt have the key.

i guess he was "functional" right?

question for you...are all addicts habitual liars about everything? not just the drugs...but everything?

and do they all cheat on their spouses for the most part...does that "come with the territory?"

i guess they all live these double lives, right?

would love to hear from spouses or people in a relationship. thanks

bjames

I know when I was drinking, I became a great liar! I lied about everything... like just for the hell of it. It is so scary looking back. I never cheated, but I'd lie about dumb stuff, along with of course sneaking booze, stealing money, etc.
I don't know if I believe functional addicts/alcoholics exist. If they do, I strongly believe they are all well on their way to being dysfunctional. The body and mind can only take so much...

dollydo

question for you...are all addicts habitual liars about everything? not just the drugs...but everything?

My exabf was addicted to lieing too.

and do they all cheat on their spouses for the most part...does that "come with the territory?"

No, IMO they are two different animals.

i guess they all live these double lives, right?

They have to. How else are they going to protect their addiction.



I also do not think there are any functional addicts, it is just the codies clouded view of the addict, the rose colored glasses syndrom.

gurlie214

Miller,
Nearly identical stories! My husband was highly functional and also used coke in our garage at night when I was asleep! WTH? How did we not know? That may never stop bothering me. I just don't get that! But, naturally, when it all came out the FIRST thing I assumed happened along with the habitual lies was cheating. To me, at that moment anyway, I just assumed it all went hand-in-hand. I mean, if your morals are so shot you are willing to drive your wife and kids around in a car high as a kite; what could possibly bother you about cheating? We had a come to Jesus meeting where I demanded the truth about everything and he told me some pretty disgusting stuff (like he had driven us around before when he was high??). I swear to you, I did not know!!! I have never done drugs, so I had no clue what to look for. Let me be honest, I did try pot a few times in college....but you could count it on one hand, and not sure if it matters, but I hated it!

Anyway, he swears to this day he never cheated. Do I believe him? That's a difficult question. I sort of feel like I had to forgive him for everything because not forgiving was killing me! He went to rehab and has been clean for 6 months. He is a different person. I truly believe he hated the dark, disgusting life of lies and covering up and chasing the stuff around for years! He claims this life is much much easier than the life of an addict. I am "cautiously optimistic". I finally decided that I forgive him for everything and I am moving forward. I simply cannot hold on to it all anymore. But, I still wonder if he cheated? I don;t know why except to say that I felt so stupid when i found out I was married to a cocaine addict and didnt know it!! I'm afraid to ever "assume" anything is the truth. I guess that is part of my own recovery that I still have to work on. It really is a lifetime process, but gets better each day. Thanks for your post!

interrupted

My sister lies about everything. For no reason. Completely mundane things, huge whoppers, and everything in between. If her mouth is moving, it could be real, or it could be complete fabrication. Even ridiculous small talk is mostly made up BS. She will lie about what size shoe she wears. I have no idea why. I imagine it must get very hard to keep track of all of her various realities. It borders on psychotic.

story74

I believe they can be functional for a time being, and then something explodes. For example, you found out and isn't his job on the line? He is about to maybe loose his family. So, it has stopped functioning. I also believe that the addicts can go thru 1 explosion, and pick themselves up and dust themselves off and begin using again and boom...something else will happen. I believe that if they are using, their path will be early death or jail. No matter what, I believe they are living but dead inside.

And I don't believe a word my xah said. He told me he pay child support on the phone, and didn't. Like I wouldn't realize it when I didn't get the check. I finally had it with him and told him I can check the website and see when you paid. All lies.

Wishing you the best and sorry for your hurt. Its been a little over a year for me, and I'm still trying to understand his brain even though I have been told many times, don't even worry about it. Focus on you getting healthy. Its hard. Mine was a shock too. Its not easy.

Fitchicky

I have learned through my experience with my husband, that you always trust your gut instincts. So many times, I let my husband talk me out of my first thought that something wasn't "quite right." I just KNEW that something wasn't right, whether it was a story that just didn't add up or some other thing about his personality that just didn't seem right.
I busted him in every way and eventually he wasn't able to lie to me anymore. Once I knew the truth about his drug use, I now know what behaviors to look for. He seems to be walking the straight and narrow now, but I sometimes nervously wait for evidence of the cycle to begin again. Mood swings, isolation, hanging out with shady friends, disappearing often for strange reasons, up all night, sleep all day....I had no idea i just thought he was suffering from some sort of depression....now I know...
I will not repeat this cycle with him. I have children in my home and GOD FORBID my children be exposed to this behavior or accidentally upon the substance its self and accidentally ingest it...what then?
Just decide where YOU want to go from here and what you are willing to deal with throughout your life.

Schab33

Lying, manipulation and insanity seems to be a common thing ...I am sorry your going thru this ..its not your fault that you trusted someone that turned out not to be worthy of it. I hope that you will find the support you need to get through this tough time

breath

There is no such thing. I thought I was one, now I know better. I hear that definition and laugh just as I do when I hear we can quit on our own. Sorry to be so cold, but it comes from living a lie for over thirty years.

bluebelle

Addiction is progressive. So, they may seem functioning for awhile, but it continues to destruction--death, jail, lost jobs, destroyed marriages, illness. You hear that phrase with alcoholics, too. I think it's also a way to continue the denial of the problem. You know, I'd the person is functioning, then they have it under control. The thing is that the addiction has the real control, and if they don't go into recovery, things continue to spiral--like they did with your husband.

hello-kitty

I thought I was a functional addict because I maintained a job and an apartment and was able to party every weekend without selling my soul or stealing from others. Meanwhile I was destroying my brain cells, ruining friendships with sober friend and just living an out an out crazy lifestyle that had to be sucking the years away from me.

My ex thought he was a functional addict because he sold drugs to support his habit, and had a constant supply. He had plenty of "friends" and whenever he was awake and "functioning", life was one big party.

A friend of ours thought she was a functional addict because as an "escort" she had all the drugs and money she needed to stay high. Oh and she thought it was cool that she got to have sex and party and use coke for a living. Her favorite things.

Functional is all relative I guess.

I think when you you take the "fun" out of addiction, you are well on your way to not being functional anymore. Of course, that can mean you have to hit a pretty low bottom...

gurlie214

Hmmmm..... Well, maybe it comes down to the definition of functional. Perhaps instead of saying "my husband was a highly functional cocaine addict" I should say "my husband was a hell of an actor/deceiver and held his stuff together pretty darn well to be on the crap for 17 years"! The truth is, in his case anyway, he needed coke in order to function.......it was no longer really a party thing at all. He did it alone, isolated, hidden, and in shame. He deceived his wife, children, parents, boss, many of his real friends, our pastor, you get the picture. He never ever missed a day of work, no one suspected it?? The only reason I know now is because he decided to come clean and ask for help.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly knew he was "drinking" way way more than normal, especially the last year.....so we for sure had arguments and problems. But never once did I suspect he had a deep, dark secret. Call it functional or call him a exceptional liar, what's the difference?

Miller05

yes i completely agree....i think that him being functional just means that he was really good at lying and decieving me for years...i mean...i am learning that this coke thing goes back at least 4 years. everyone knew but me, i guess.

gurlie....my husband also never missed work...was a great employee!

and yes, his drinking the past year has been out of control. and we did argue about it.

i also ws the worried wife....so concerned about his depression...he was always depressed...nothing ever seemed to go right for him. and me being a codie...i tried to help him.

little did i know that yes, he had a deep, dark secret as well.

his i think stopped being a party thing too...he did it in secret...in the garage....in shame.