xoforgetmenot2

I told myself that if I could ever get away from my parents that I would never live the type of life they did. I was better than that. I would have children, and they would never experience the pain and disfunction I did because of narcotics, opiates to be specific. Now, 5 years after I left my parents home, 3 years after getting married to my first love, and 2 years after having our first child... I discover that my husband is addicted to heroin. I've lived with this man for 3 years. I've been intimate with him for 7 years. AND I HAD NO CLUE. He's admitted that there hasn't been a day in 3 years that he hasn't gotten high. I mean, no wonder we had so many problems and we were so miserable (he blamed it all on me and my "unreasonable" standards). I feel like my entire world has been shattered, and now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. I don't even know where to start or what direction to even go in. He checked himself into detox, and transferred to rehab 4 days later. (Not before a quick run to his dealer to get a "final ride") After 4 days in rehab, he checked himself out. Took his truck from his mom, and no one knows where he is or what he's planning. I'm so lost and confused. Just really unsure of how to even process this information. Anything would be helpful at this point

PrayingMama

Welcome to SR. So sorry for your pain, past and present. I am the mother of an RAS, and I do not have experience with an addicted spouse or partner, so I can not offer anything along those lines.

But I can say a prayer for you and your family, and others with the kind of experience you need wiil be along to offer their strength and suggestions.

I pray God grants you a clear head and a calm heart.

Blessings.

EnglishGarden

In the recovery programs people are advised to take the long view, and that is my first impulse to say to you: you will do best to take the long view. This is going to be a long story, no one can predict the ways in which it will unfold. You will change in deep and permanent ways, your marriage, your husband: all will change in deep and permanent ways. And it will happen over a long arc of time. So my first suggestion is to take a deep breath and imagine you are setting sail across the ocean. You will not reach land for a long time, there will be events and encounters you cannot anticipate, and the journey will make great demands on you. You are young to be facing such a journey, but fate and your higher power have deemed you are ready.

Heroin addicts are deeply, deeply emotionally bonded to their drug, to the transcendent experience of opiate intoxication, in a much different way than coke addicts to cocaine. Heroin is a mother. It is a death mother, a dark mother, and it has an emotional hold over the addict which is greater than the emotional hold his real family has. Even the young woman who was the love of his life. He wanted to have you both. But drugs always make the addict pay. And now he has to choose.

You are going to have to wait this out, and it could be a very long unfolding. You must strengthen yourself and you must simply allow the forces greater than yourself to decide the timing of events to come. Strengthen yourself by immersing yourself in a thorough understanding of addiction. As well, determine that your home will in fact be the vision you have held since childhood: it will be a haven of safety for your child and for you. There will be consistency, kindness, routine. And your husband will not move back in until he has lived a very long time in recovery. But first he must find recovery. Then he must maintain it. He can. But he may experience several relapses before it holds. So take the long view and make him earn trust over a long time. Addicts lie. They mess with our minds. If you allow him back in too soon, and he is unwell, he will make you sick, mentally and emotionally.

God has blessed you with a little child. Put the child's safety first. This is a moral challenge and you must face it and do what is right for the child.

Some useful books on addiction:
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
I Want My Life Back by Steve Hamilton

And attendance at Nar-Anon or Al-Anon is very likely to help. We pretty much become instant codependents when we live with addicts, and a support group will keep your head clear.

Welcome to SR.

peaceandgrace

EnglishGarden, that is one of the most beautiful eloquent posts I have read anywhere. I am in awe.

Thank you. I am tucking this one away.

xo, please put your child first. My AS has forsaken his beautiful daughter, my only grandchild. I am so grateful that his estranged wife puts her daughter FRONT AND CENTER.

xoforgetmenot2

Thank you so much for typing this. I think it helped me realize that the first step isn't trying to figure out how to avoid the pain. What I need to do now is embrace the pain and accept that this is my current situation... not that accepting this is easy. I think once I finally come to terms with it that I can start to move forward. He contacted me today asking me to find another rehab center. My best friend says I need to break any further contact with him, but I'm not sure that I can/should turn my back when he's asking for help to get better. Thoughts?

BeavsDad

If he can find heroin every day of his life he can manage to make a few phone calls.

This is your first test.
Allowing him to seek his own treatment isn't turning your back.

If he truly wants it, then he truly will make it happen.

Prepare to be told everything you want to hear.