Tryingtoforgive

Hi all,

Ok so I have known my boyfriend since we were about 15. We didn't start dating until last year and we are now 27. I had heard in the past he had a problem with oxy's and had gone to rehab but I didn't hang around him then so I didn't know the extent of his problems. About a year and a half ago I ran into him and we really hit it off. We have had a wonderful relationship. He is always so loving towards me and we hang out every second we can (it's kind of sickening how much we are together lol) Anyway we never fought ever until about 30 days ago. Over this past year and a half there was a few slip ups where I knew he was high but he quickly got back into the regime of AA and NA meetings and talking to his sponser and he would get right back on track. He has held a job and made money and paid his bills. About 30 days ago I started to notice his eyes, his pinned pupils and I knew he was getting high .. and I kept telling him I knew he was high and he denied denied denied. Ok so then I realized ALL of my expensive jewlery was GONE I flipped, and of course he lied and said it wasn't at a pawn shop. Then I got my credit card statement and found out he made 2000 dollars of charges at grocery stores buying gift cards, then I find he stole his moms credit card and did the same thing. I flipped out made him leave then I called him to come back to talk. He then finally admitted to me he had a problem and he wanted to check himself into rehab. Yesterday before I took him we had to make a few stops. The first stop was at the pawn shop where he retrieved most of my jewlery back. (There is a few more items in there that I can handle waiting for) The second stop was a drive into the ghetto of Detroit to buy Heroin so that he could make it through the day. I was shaking and very scared. (Mind you we live in the suburbs and have nice cars and are white) We stuck out like sore thumbs pulling up to this house buying heroin from this sick, nasty drug dealer at this worn down, old house. It was quick and we got out of there fast but omg I just still can't believe thats where he goes to buy drugs. He doesn't belong down there, he is so much better than that. Once he got the heroin we came back to our neighborhood so he could pack up and get high one last time. He got so high it made me sick. It was the highest I have ever seen him. Once we arrived at the rehab center we filled out paperwork as he was nodding out and it was making me sick. This morning when he called me he was crying and apologizing (which I expected) but he also said he woke up not knowing where he was and that he had checked into rehab last night. It made me sick. I guess the positive thinking is that he is there and it is a step in the right direction.

Well today my mom looks in her LOCKED jewlery box and ALL of her jewlery is gone and she has no idea about my boyfriend and his prior addiction because until 30 days ago there wasn't an issue. A few slip ups like I said but nothing like this. I feel so bad that her stuff is gone and I have no idea where it is and if I can even get it back. I called my boyfriend and he continues to swear he didnt take her jewlery. He admitted to everything else he stole but he won't admit to that. I told him she was going to call the cops and if they find it in a pawn shop she will press charges. He told me she should call the cops because he didn't take it. So I don't know what to believe there.

Finally, he was very excited to go to rehab and his mom told me this was the first time he was excited to go. He also kept telling me he was doing this for himself for the first time and he was doing this for me. Like I said before we have had a wonderful relationship and have been so in love. We literally have never argued until these past 30 days. I have decided to stick by his side this one time. If he comes out and goes back to this I will have no choice but to leave then. I am hoping and praying that he does it right this time and gets his life back on track. I just wish he would admit to stealing my moms stuff? I am having a hard time with that. Any thoughts on my decision here?
I need help too. I will be attending meetings and I also would like to get some couples counseling with him so I can forgive him. I have already forgiven him but finding out more things after he checked himself in has made me extra mad again. I guess I am just very hurt.

I also would like to know if anyone has had experience with their addicts doing a maintanence program after rehab? with suboxone or what about the naltrexone injection. I am thinking he should be on something for a while, he has never done a maintanence program before. I am also making sure he continues with an intense outpatient program. Please fill me in with any thoughts on those drugs. The naltrexone injection is supposed to be injected once every 3 months and it stops your cravings, also it prevents you from getting high even if you try to. I think that sounds like a great idea.

Am I making the right decisions? I am just so hurt but I am trying to be so positive.

bluebelle

Welcome to SR! This is a great place for information and support.

The thing that stands out most in your story is that you went with him when he got heroin. That could have gotten you hurt or arrested. After he injected it, he could have stopped breathing. I am concerned that you put his addiction before your safety.

For you, I would suggest that you read Codependent No More and find help for yourself. This is a great place for support. I work with a private counselor, which helps me.

I know that rehab isn't a magic cure. The addict has to be willing to put in the work and keep on putting in the work. My RABF is struggling, and that's after 2 years clean from pain pills. His getting clean didn't automatically make him healed.

That's terrible about all he has stolen. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do. You'll need to give him space because it'll have to be his priority. I suggest you watch his actions and not his words. Is he doing the work? Is he serious? Or, is he just trying to look good to you?

Ann

Welcome Trying, you have come to a good place where people understand because, sadly, most of us have been where you are.

My addicted loved one is my son, but your story could be mine. He too stole from me taking jewellery that had great sentimental value as much as monetary and I was not able to find it to get it back.

I never took him to get drugs, but I did drive late at night looking for him where no mama should ever go.

I am guessing you were in "the corridor" in Detroit, and I can't tell you how very very dangerous that was for you.

The only thing that brought me back to sanity was to go to my own meetings and learn about myself and why I allowed anyone to treat me the way he did and why I was so enmeshed in HIS addiction. Meetings literally saved my life and I suggest you find some too before you get into this any deeper than you already are. Healthy people don't live the way we do, healthy people would not allow anyone else to steal from them or drive to get drugs in dangerous neighbourhoods.

I know that I was so deep in fear, trying to save my son, that I could not even see how bad my life had become. I thought when my son went to his first rehab, he would come out clean and we would all live happily every after. I thought that for the next 8 or 10 rehab visits before it occurred to me that this may be a lifelong thing for him. If it was, MY life would not have been very long.

Today my son is lost somewhere in his addiction. But I managed to save myself and I say a prayer every morning for him and give his care to God. Then I live my life well, finding beauty in every day, and I am so very grateful for the support I found when I was lost, in my meetings and in SR.

If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here. Sadly, this is one thing that is just not ours to "fix". WE are not the solution, WE are not their only option when everything else goes south, and if we are not careful we will find ourselves as sick or sicker than they are. That is the sad reality of what codependency can do to us.

Please make yourself comfortable and take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.

I hope you continue to heal and find your balance. It's a rough ride and the sooner we get off it, the better off we are.

Hugs

dollydo

Your mother should file a police report. He pawned the jewelry and had to provide a photo ID, so they will find out that it was him. Then she can press charges against him.

Why in the world would you drive him to buy drugs? You could get arrested along with him.

Have you read Codependent No More? If not I would suggest that you do so.

SundaysChild

I am so sorry for your pain- addiction is a nasty disease that not only affects the addict - it sucks those of us who love them into patterns of insane behavior. Your pain vibrated through everything you've written. I appreciate your honest sharing, and will give you my honest thoughts.


Have you called your credit card company and reported the unauthorized use? Have you called the police department to report the theft of your jewelry and credit card?

Where did he get the money to retrieve the pawned jewelry? Since he'd had to steal from you earlier, he must have stolen from someone else to get the cash to get some of your jewelry back. The remaining jewelry in the pawn shop is still stolen, unless you've twisted your own mind around to consider it a loan to fund his drug use.

He risked your life so he could get high. You helped him postpone when he was beginning the process of detoxification, extending his time in detox and rehab. You participated in a criminal act.

He is a junkie. That's where junkies live.

Participation in another criminal act. What would have happened if he had overdosed?

Not remembering that he had made the decision to go to rehab does not bode well for his commitment to recovery.



If it quacks like a duck...the facts are that there's no evidence of a break in, a drug addict had access to the jewelry, addicts lie, and addicts also have blackouts. She should report the theft to the police and let them handle it.

Rehab is typically a 28 day program - however that is just the beginning. He'll need some type of extended care in a sober living environment or a formal extended care program where he does the work of recovery. This is a long process, and recovering addicts are generally advised to focus on themselves first and foremost - it is not a time for relationships. While there are exceptions, you should not expect that things will go back to the way they were when you were "in love" before you learned about the drug use. If he does master recovery, he will be a different man a year from now- and this man may not be the same one you fell in love with.

Only you can decide how long to put your life on hold for him - and that's if he "makes it." The vast majority of addicts relapse.


Meetings are a great idea- they will help you heal and begin to recover. Couples counseling should probably not be his first priority right now. You are not bound to him by marriage or children; his only priority should be recovery.

This is "his business" not yours. Suboxone can be a godsend for some people- in others it is used to further their disease. Naltrexone shots (given once a month not every 3 months) can save lives - but also increase the risk of overdose and death if an addict is not committed to recovery. What will be appropriate for any individual addict will be determined by the patient and their doctor.

You have woken up in a life you never intended to have. You don't need to make any major decisions right now - this is definitely a one day at a time situation. Get to a meeting. Focus on yourself, not on his recovery or addiction. Take some time to see what your boundaries and values are, and focusing on structuring your life accordingly. Breathe in, breathe out...

Good luck to you - and glad to see you here.

outtolunch

I am not remotely qualified to tell an addict how to run their recovery. I have never walked in those shoes and have no professional training. Trying to control someone else's recovery does not work.

That you detected a couple of " slip-ups" is not the whole story. Basing your perceptions of the depths of his addiction on what he has told you is naive.

He's an adult and will decide how he wants to live his life.Rehab does not cure addiction. Best case, it's an opportunity for someone who is highly motivated to change to learn some of the tools of recovery. The hard part is using those tools, back in the real world.

Suboxone and the like are not magic bullets, either. It's very common for addicts to switch to other substances, non opiate/opiod based products. Alcohol and pot tend to be the gateway.

The fun has just begun. Wait for him to tell you he does not deserve you and yet he can't recover without your love and support, the big hook for codependents.

This forum has a wealth of information about addiction, codependency and recovery. The " stickies" at the top of this page are terrific start for education.

Tryingtoforgive

Thank you all for your responses. I spoke with him today and he says his insurance is only covering the detox so he will be getting out on Saturday. He says he doesn't feel well but he is serious about staying clean.

His parents have never bailed him out of his issues with drugs since I have been with him but, his father gave me money to drive with him to the pawn shop to get my jewlery out. At least I know he didn't steal to get it back.

Also as far as going down to Detroit, I didn't know we were going there. We got in the car and he said I need to make a few stops 1. was to get some of his clothing 2. the pawn shop 3. Detroit (I had no idea when I got in the car in the first place that we would end up there, I didn't drive) He told me that he doesn't want to hide anymore and he wanted to show me exactly what he was doing and where he was going, he said no more secrets.

This past month I didn't know what days or times he would go down there and if I went down to look for him I would have no idea where he would go until I just saw the other day.

Also I didn't mean like typical couples counseling, I meant I need my own counseling to heal from this but I would like to know the truth about everything and I need him to sit in on some sessions if we are to move forward with our relationship, I want to move forward with no secrets and lies from the past. Of course this kind of counseling with him and I can wait until he works on himself. I was just stating that I need some with him so that we can move forward positively.

Finally, as far as my mothers jewlery. My mom has no idea about his past and I haven't told her about any of this. My mom is a different kind of person, she is old school Italian. My mom doesn't understand addiction and stealing and all of that. You can tell her things over and over and she just doesn't understand. Well she is out of town so she hasn't called the police yet but she doesn't seem to want to. She doesn't know it was him and I can't get a straight answer out of him as to if he took it. Today he told me he doesn't remember. So I said ok you remember taking mine but not hers? You better figure it out!

One thing I will say about him is that yes he has pawned a lot of stuff but he ALWAYS gets it back.. he has a full time job so he has a legal way of getting money. His bills are always paid and the pawned stuff is always returned. I asked his parents about his past with pawning and they told me if always gets returned back somehow. So I told him he needs to find out what happened to my moms things so I can get them back. I am still waiting on a reply to that. He is thinking.

So everyday is a new day and this can either be a new start for him and for me as well or I can kick him to the curb. I know you all agree it is very hard when you love someone to do that.

Oh and I only asked about the maintanence programs because I am so curious as to how they have worked for others and their families. I know it isn't my decision to make but since I know he has never done one before I was just thinking to myself maybe that would be a good route in his recovery.

Thank you all again for your replies and I hope to hear more replies to this one

Tryingtoforgive

Oh one last thing about my mom not calling the cops, she tends to misplace a lot of jewlery on her own and actually found one piece that she hid and didn't realize so she thinks she will find it. On the other hand I did tell her that I would check pawn shops to see if anything is there ( but if he pawned it within the last month it wouldn't be on the shelf yet, so I have to wait until him and I can go there and I can see for myself)

Oh and this is the real last thing lol,
Today he called me expressing how much he missed me and that he needs me. I know that is the addict talking and the manipulation but, I haven't dealt with this addict until 30 days ago. Like I said before he never stole from me or did anything 1% comparable to what he just did this past month. I will say it is hard to believe anything he says but because this is my first time dealing with this with him that is why I am so willing to stand by him. He does say he is ready and doing it for him but he wants to make me happy again and he wants us to be how we used to be so I am good motivation.

Thanks again!

hello-kitty

What are your personal values? Is stealing and lying ok? Is endangering your life ok? Is shooting up in front of you ok? Do you have boundaries about acceptable behavior in a relationship or is "being high" an acceptable excuse? Where are you going to draw the line?

For me trust and respect in a relationship are two of the most important things in a relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship without them. Stealing and lying, IMO, is both disrespectful and unnaceptable. Therefore I will not date or continue to be friends with people I suspect have stolen from me or my family. It will be over and I reserve the right to call the police.

In my book, your boyfriend crossed the line.

interrupted

I don't understand what you mean when you say that your mom can't understand stealing - I also do not find theft acceptable AT ALL. As someone who had nearly an entire house full of belongings stolen (even the refrigerator!), I find this thread very triggering so I'm going to be brief: the best way for you to "help" your boyfriend is actually to help yourself. Focus on your own codependency and set some boundaries identifying what is acceptable or not acceptable to you, and have a plan in place for when/if those boundaries are violated.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing so much pain, you are not alone here. Keep posting, it helps. But there is nothing you can do to control the outcome of your boyfriend's addiction. Nothing.

outtolunch

My boundary is that I will not shop with people I know have a history of stealing. Addiction does not excuse criminal behavior. It's been about 3 years since my daughter has been sober. I continue to remove myself from situations that might cause me to enter a store with her.

outtolunch

Has he paid you back for the $2000 he put on your credit card for gift cards, currency for drugs?

gurlie214

I have to agree with the others! I think you need to run like hell! Especially since he is getting out early! He's barely had time to think straight and detox, let alone focus on the major decision to truly recover. You have no children with this man, you are not even married to him....in other words, you don't have to accept this hell ride this guy is about to take you on! (Not that being married to him or having his kids means you have to stick around for the fun either). Please, get help for yourself. Tell him to call you when he is 3 months clean since you are such a motivator for him! I am not trying to sound harsh...I am just being honest! We have ALL heard that "they can't get better without us". Its just another addict lie, honey! I promise it is! Please give this some serious thought! You are not stuck in this MESS..........yet!!!! It is a truly miserable life that you can avoid. I am sadly certain that he is not done....I am simply talking from experience (and my husband wasn't even on the real hard stuff---heroin is tough to get off).

bluebelle

My addicted step-daughter also stole to support her heroin habit. She started with stealing from relatives, who didn't report her at first. She moved on to shoplifting and was put on probation. That didn't stop her because she still needed heroin. She took a break for awhile--went on suboxone, moved to methadone, was kicked out of rehab (not her fault, of course). When she got out of rehab, she moved on to b&e. She also ended up with several serious infections from using needles. Now, she is in jail and has been there for over a month.

I'm telling you this because it is the real-life progression of heroin use. Right now, we are glad she is alive and in jail. Who knows what will happen to her next. Death is a real possibility for her.

She's a wonderful person when clean--smart, pretty, creative--with everything going for her. We all want to believe that our addict is different and unique and it won't happen to them.

I am concerned that he put your life and record in danger by taking you to his drug place. Next time you get in the car with him, what kinds of choices will he make? He is putting the need for heroin above the need for your safety and security. That's what happens with drugs. It is the addicts best friend.

I don't blame your mom or not understanding stealing and addiction. Is that acceptable behavior to you? Is it ok that he steals even if he returns it later? I feel sorry for your mom looking for her stuff and not being sure if she misplaced it or it was stolen. You might want to let her know there is a possibility that it is stolen.

Take care.

dollydo

IMO time to be totally honest with everyone including your mother. I don't understand stealing either, I don't understand why you want to spend your life with a thief, liar and addict.

kyles

Hi Tryingtoforgive. I'm so sorry for you situation. You're in a really tough spot. My boyfriend is addicted to heroin. He's never stolen or really lied about anything, but that's because mommy and daddy are well off and pay most of his bills anyway. I can't imagine having no idea about any of it and then finding out 30 days ago and dealing with all of this behavior. It's obvious that you're experiencing a lot of different emotions right now.

I think most of the advice others have given here is really great and you should consider all of it.

It's a shame he can't continue the rehab program. Detox will just get it out of his system, but the addiction will still be there. Unfortunately, I think it will be very hard for him to come home from the detox and remain clean. Be prepared for a very bumpy ride.

Something that really stood out for me is when you said he ALWAYS gets the pawned items back. Is that okay though? He's still stealing and pawning your things. And addictions progress, and as his does, there will probably come a time when he can't get the items back. He has a full-time job now, but his addiction could progress to the point where he is using at work and gets fired. He could just start missing too much work due to his addiction as well. He might not be anywhere near those things right now, at least as far as you can tell, but addiction can take over one's life so quickly in ways we didn't think possible. My boyfriend was always a dependable person. He's a very smart, good student. He got into a very difficult program in college. His addiction became so bad he missed most classes because he was either too high or too busy buying drugs to go get high. He also began using during work hours, but because it's a really leniant work place he was allowed to leave for 2 hours in the middle of the day with no real explanation.

I think your thoughts and behavior are very normal for only dealing with this for such a short amount of time. Unfortunately, it sounds like you're still making excuses for him and trying to lessen what he does, make it not sound as bad. That's very typical. I did it and probably still do it as well. I say, "Yeah, he took me with him in the car when he went to buy heroin, but he didn't let me go in and he would never let me near his dealer..." We don't want to see these things about the ones we love. A lot of it is not on purpose, it's just natural to react that way. We also don't want others to see them as bad people.

I'm no expert. I'm really new to this. I can't work up the courage to go to a meeting or anything. I do read a lot about addiction, co-dependency, etc. I think you should really do a lot of research, especially about co-dependency. You seem willing to go to meetings, so I suggest going and talking to others who have been in the same position.

kyles

I agree with telling your mother. Believe me, I know you don't want to. I helped my boyfriend hide his addiction from everyone, including my family, for over a year. It's more stress than it's worth. It's not healthy for you to have to hide it from your loved ones. Yes, your mom will probably be upset. What mother wants her daughter to be involved with a drug addict, especially a drug addict that's been stealing and lying? In the long run, I think it's better to tell her than continue to hide it and deal with the stress of always covering up for him.

As far as understanding why you want to spend your life with a thief, liar, and addict, obviously it's just not that simple! I hate when people say things like this, even if they're trying to be honest or blunt about it. For those of us in love with people who happen to be addicts, we often fell in love with them before we knew of the problem or before it even became a problem at all. By the time the addiction comes to light, we already love them for many other reasons. It's hard to just forget about all the great things we love about them, even when we do find out they're addicts, they've lied to us, they've stollen from us. You don't look at them and just see an addict, a liar, a thief, etc. For me, there are so many other things I think of when I think of my bf. You don't want to leave that good person you know and love, that person you know is under there somewhere. It doesn't mean that leaving them isn't the right and heathy thing to do sometimes. You don't just wake up one day and forget about all of the good things you love about him.

hello-kitty

I had to learn to focus on actions not words.

My addict boyfriend was very good at telling me exactly what I wanted to hear while he was robbing me blind, deserting our baby to get high, cheating, passing out on my couch for days, stealing my car (over and over), and breaking my heart with his lies and deceptions. And I was very good at making excuses for his behaviors because there were so many great things about him (if only he'd quit using drugs) - that was my codependency, my insecurity and my lack of personal boundaries.

Even the most evil person in the world probably has a few great qualities. That doesn't make them someone acceptable boyfriend or relationship material.

Hard to accept that though.

dollydo

"As far as understanding why you want to spend your life with a thief, liar, and addict, obviously it's just not that simple! I hate when people say things like this, even if they're trying to be honest or blunt about it."

Life is as simple as one makes it. You are 17...what you hate and understand today may not be what you understand tomorrow.

kyles

And that's fine if others want to reduce their addicted love to to just "an addict." I choose to not do that. I can't just say he's an addict and be okay with it, at least not at this point. I can accept that that is one aspect of who he is now. It's also fine if the person being an addict is the reason you decide you can't be with them anymore, despite all of their good qualities. I just refuse to ever boil anyone down to just 1 aspect of who they are. Since I'm only 17, I probably don't know what I'm talking about.