Learningtodeal

My bf is an opiate addict. He went to rehab and is now on subs and involved in a partial hospitalization program and staying at my house again with our daughter (yes, mistake). He came out of rehab filled with promises and regrets. Since he's been back he has spent the great majority of his time sleeping, not helping with really anything. He says he's depressed and thinks of killing himself. He lost his job when he went into rehab. He has wrecked all of his relationships and has nowhere to live besides here. He's been to about half his group sessions and two NA meetings. He's a nightmare to be around and blames me for a great deal of his depression. He says the groups are pointless, etc. My boundaries were clear that he could stay here if he remained sober and in treatment. He has remained sober (yes I definitely know the difference at this point so this isn't denial, plus he's getting drug tested at the program), but I'd hardly call this "treatment." He says he feels this way and acts this way because he's struggling with emotions he is facing for the first time since he would formerly self-medicate to push all these emotions down. He lived in an abusive home and has been doing drugs on and off pretty much ever since his teenage years. I'm sure he has PTSD at a minimum. Likely a few other personality disorders thrown in there too (Borderline traits?).

Anyway, my instincts are to get frustrated at his lack of motivation and to kick him out. We've been fighting constantly. I actually did tell him to leave and he told me he would, but hasn't done so yet.

So is this "typical" behavior? Because it seems to me that I would be doing myself and my daughter a great disservice to let him stick around and sleep through his life indefinitely until he gets it together (if that ever happens). Am I being too hard on him? I truly believe he suffers from depression and anxiety at his baseline. So, am I merely kicking him when he's down? I keep thinking about "healthy" couples who support each other through illnesses as part of a necessary give and take in a relationship. I keep comparing myself to them and thinking maybe I'm being a bit too harsh. But, I just can't deal with a life where I'm disrespected and I can't let my daughter learn that lesson either: to allow a man to treat you as he wishes and keep on taking it indefinitely.

outtolunch

May all mistake be this easy to fix. Pack his stuff up and put him out.

Boundaries are "I" statements intended to protect you and minor children. An example is " I will not live with/ expose my child to someone in active addction or new to recovery." A boundary does not seek to control or change anyone else. A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it on themselves. Tough love means being tough with ourselves because we and our children are worth protecting from the insanity of addiction and all that follows.

Don't worry about custody. He's got along histoy of addiction and instability. He chooses not to work and will be homeless. If and when he wants to be a real father, he will move heaven and earth to provide for his child and be a role model, not a couch potato.

Titanic

Excellent comments from outtolunch!!! He is NOT working his program especially if he's jobless and not spending the great bulk of his free time going to meetings, reading AA stuff, meeting with his sponsor or others in AA, doing Step work, and after-care activities - some job hunting would be good too.

I hope he does you both the courtesy of leaving voluntarily.

becky1982

So he is essentially sponging off of you and feeling sorry for himself while continuing to be under the influence of mind numbing drugs... Sounds pretty typical to me!

Sounds a lot like my AH, he was on suboxone too until he got kicked out of the program for not taking as prescribed. He never sought recovery, even though I had said it was a must after his relapse. I now realize my codependency kept him quite comfortable over the past five months. I paid all the bills, cleaned up after him, did his laundry, put gas in his truck, did emotional gymnastics around his unpredictable mood swings. And for what? A few scraps of affection thrown my way? A picture of a "family" I always wanted? I found I was completely losing it, I was missing my children's childhoods because I was so caught up in what he was doing or not doing. I finally filed for divorce... Ive wondered if I am being too hard on him. But I was preventing him from feeling the full force of his consequences, and that helped him stay sick. I was also in denial about how things were not working in my life. I had to let go. Now he says he's going to change, he had been blind, now he sees, god is working in him. Maybe, maybe not. I'm choosing health, and will follow the compass wherever it leads.

BeavsDad

You've been the doormat for a long time. Are you done yet?

You could always pay for the first month at a Sober Living Facility and let him get his life in order from there.

If he blows it there, you won't be the one kicking him to the curb, they will.

You'll just need to be strong enough not to let him back in.

Freedom1990

Typical? Well, yes if the addict has the perfect setup up enabling him/her to indulge in self-pity, remain jobless, and sleep all day.

I had an 8-year-old daughter and myself to care for when I got out of rehab. I landed a full-time job within a week as a CNA (I was on foot for almost two months), and became self-supporting in a very short time. I had to, and I am grateful for that experience.

dollydo

I agree with Out.

Put your child first, she shouldn't be exposed to addiction on any level, especially living with an addict.