How did I become this way?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: lake wales,fl
Posts: 2
How did I become this way?
I dont even know when it started. I was once an honest straight-shooter, happy go lucky girl who was in charge of my own life and destiny. My ex-husband came clean to me about 6 years ago that all the money I was asking about that was supposed to be in the checking account (that I did not have access to, umm duh! This was not my first brush with addiction but by far the most shockingly naive!) had gone up his nose over the past year. I had no clue. I was in such shock I almost passed out, he went to rehab the next day. Within a few weeks it was too much to bare and we went our seperate ways. This was a post divorce retry and so when we split, AGAIN it was truly final. The man I began dating afterwards (I thought) was different than anyone I had ever been with. I thought I was safe, I had broken the mold and gotten away from the addict rut. Well here I am just over 4 years and a 3 year old son into the relationship and what am I doing? Yeah yall know where this is headed. This time my health is in the toilet, Drs have no idea what it is (I am not using by the way. Just figured Id throw that in there however my doctor did question whether I was being slipped something without my knowledge, but nothing on the blood tests. Is that possibile?) He and his family have me convinced I am crazy, he is not using and I just have a horrible disposition. I am lying, making up stories to get our son away from him and if I attempt it, they will swiftly get a lawyer, use my health issues (the dr wrote a letter to disability stating I cannot care for myself full time, never mind hold a job and that I have a severe progressive neurologic issue) to take my son away. He has a job while I await SSI/SSDI and pays the bills, ok enough of the bills so they wont shut them off and my dad pays the mortgage and house insurance. Im scared they will have a case and take my son, who is so nervous he acts out constantly. His dad is taking pills of some kind, he doesnt 'believe in' illegal drugs. He thinks if they are perscription, whether it is his or not, then its ok. So will this show on a drug test? I have no idea what he is taking by the way. Most recently he has stolen a bottle of my xanex but I know he trades them with a girl from work. He has stolen vicodin, percocets and dilaudid from me in the past, all of which I have gone off of just so I dont have to hide them anymore. He finds them eventually anyway. I live with the pain and the pills I do still get, I lie about. I HATE lying!!! I just feel I have no other choice. The last few weeks Ive noticed him making huffing noises at night while watching tv, I have moved to a bedroom on the other side of the house and can still hear him. I also hear him snorting thru the bathroom door and water running. He is lazyier than I dont know what, ignores me or runs away when I try to talk to him, covers his eyes when I am in the same room, tells our son I am mean or mad all the time. I know I probably sound like most others out there but I really feel this time like I have lost my mind. I do find myself short tempered and at my ropes end. I have no one in my area that I know besides his family, who all think I am evil and he can do no wrong. I need to vent before I completely snap!! My 12 year old daughter moved to her dads (the ex-H who has remained clean and remarried since the split which is just more of a kick in the teeth, could it really be me? the monster in my head asks)on the other side of the counrty at christmas time (no warning, just refused to get on the plane home in tears) because of this, and yet Im terrified to let go. I went thru this same situation with my older sons father 13 years ago, he still lives with dad
and is convinced I never wanted him. I just cant go thru that again with my lil one. I fear it will break me for good to lose my last child too. I know my daughter will probably come home if the bf is gone, she has all but told me and asks every time i talk to her "is he still there?" but I feel like Im chosing one child over another either way!!
and is convinced I never wanted him. I just cant go thru that again with my lil one. I fear it will break me for good to lose my last child too. I know my daughter will probably come home if the bf is gone, she has all but told me and asks every time i talk to her "is he still there?" but I feel like Im chosing one child over another either way!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nobody should have to live like this, and whether or not you have health issues, you have rights too.
My suggestion is to see a lawyer and protect your rights, and then make a plan to find a better place to live.
I'm glad you joined us, and hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
My suggestion is to see a lawyer and protect your rights, and then make a plan to find a better place to live.
I'm glad you joined us, and hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Living with addiction does make most spouses develop physical symptoms of illness--ulcers, gynecological problems are common, tachycardia, migraines, to name a few-- or the ongoing dread of crisis causes the spouse to experience pathological emotional symptoms such as free-floating anxiety, clinical depression, suicidal thoughts, and most definitely irrational thought processes. I know, for I lived with a severe alcoholic and I know how nearly impossible it is to be healthy and well while living with an addict in advanced stages of the disease.
If you wish to put a firm foundation underneath you so that you not only become healthier--both physically and emotionally--but also APPEAR healthy to a judge who might be weighing issues in a custody case, then you must DO concrete actions which actually MAKE you healthier.
Since you are under the care of a physician, you should tell your doctor that your husband is a drug addict and you are as a result experiencing tremendous stress and confusion, and that not only for yourself but FOR YOUR CHILD you need to get well both physically and emotionally. Ask for a referral to a counselor and then GO to counseling for as long as your insurance will cover it.
GO every week to an AL-ANON meeting (google it with your state) and when you feel able, sign up to do something for the group like make the coffee every week or unlock the door or unfold the folding chairs. Not only will this help you emotionally and mentally, but again, before a judge this is yet one more CONCRETE example of a woman who is committed to being emotionally stable for herself and for her child.
Find a church to attend each week. If you aren't religious, there are alternatives. At the church, help out. Again, this helps you and it is a CONCRETE action which identifies you as someone who cares about stability and moral character.
There are often free parenting classes in the community, often at hospitals. GO. If there are other free hospital classes, dealing with stress, or anxiety, or depression, or chronic pain, or addiction, GO. For you. And to improve your stability in the eyes of the courts.
For the day will likely come when you will consult an attorney about a divorce and about custody issues, because you are married to a drug addict and that is where such marriages generally lead. Your post indicates that your greatest fear is that you will be separated from your child. So right now is the time to plant a firm foundation of health, both physical and mental, based on CONCRETE actions that you have taken over the long term to make you a safe, reliable, sound parent.
You will get better. You will get better and do better. You can heal the pain between you and your older children. You can contribute to your toddler's chances for a peaceful and stable home life.
And most of the resources available to you out there are actually free. I hope you will decide to reach out there in the world, and let the loving spirit and the wisdom of others who have walked in your shoes be a blessing to your life and help you find a healthy new path.
If you wish to put a firm foundation underneath you so that you not only become healthier--both physically and emotionally--but also APPEAR healthy to a judge who might be weighing issues in a custody case, then you must DO concrete actions which actually MAKE you healthier.
Since you are under the care of a physician, you should tell your doctor that your husband is a drug addict and you are as a result experiencing tremendous stress and confusion, and that not only for yourself but FOR YOUR CHILD you need to get well both physically and emotionally. Ask for a referral to a counselor and then GO to counseling for as long as your insurance will cover it.
GO every week to an AL-ANON meeting (google it with your state) and when you feel able, sign up to do something for the group like make the coffee every week or unlock the door or unfold the folding chairs. Not only will this help you emotionally and mentally, but again, before a judge this is yet one more CONCRETE example of a woman who is committed to being emotionally stable for herself and for her child.
Find a church to attend each week. If you aren't religious, there are alternatives. At the church, help out. Again, this helps you and it is a CONCRETE action which identifies you as someone who cares about stability and moral character.
There are often free parenting classes in the community, often at hospitals. GO. If there are other free hospital classes, dealing with stress, or anxiety, or depression, or chronic pain, or addiction, GO. For you. And to improve your stability in the eyes of the courts.
For the day will likely come when you will consult an attorney about a divorce and about custody issues, because you are married to a drug addict and that is where such marriages generally lead. Your post indicates that your greatest fear is that you will be separated from your child. So right now is the time to plant a firm foundation of health, both physical and mental, based on CONCRETE actions that you have taken over the long term to make you a safe, reliable, sound parent.
You will get better. You will get better and do better. You can heal the pain between you and your older children. You can contribute to your toddler's chances for a peaceful and stable home life.
And most of the resources available to you out there are actually free. I hope you will decide to reach out there in the world, and let the loving spirit and the wisdom of others who have walked in your shoes be a blessing to your life and help you find a healthy new path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: lake wales,fl
Posts: 2
Thank you for the posts. I will consider doing those things, like I said I have a history with addicts, as well as briefly being one. Thank goodness after 2 months I saw what I was doing to my family and it was too much to bare so I cleaned up my act and have spent every day making it up to my daughter (who ironically was 3 at the time) who luckily doesnt remember me that way. I have been to many AA/ NA meetings in my life while dating a 'recovering' addict in my early adulthood. Turns out he was using and selling the whole time while we were attending nightly meetings. Youd think Id learn by now. At the moment I have no medical insurance, I am hoping to either get back on medicaid or get approved SSI/SSDI. I am basicly housebound because my boyfriend (thankfully we were engaged at one point but my instints told me it was a bad move, he has since pawned or sold the ring) found out I was going to leave him back in May. Dumb me, I was honest thinking we could start fresh and work things out. HA! He has made sure there is little to no gas in my car and when I do have to go somewhere, he will put in just enough to get me there or only give me $10. I have no income and he makes sure I cant go anywhere. We live 45 minutes drive from the nearest town with anything going on. Extremely rural. My neighborhood is literally houses, trees and a post office. The house is mine thankfully so once I have income and medical, I can begin getting my life back. I have a question, if anyone can help me. A few days ago I confronted him about the snorting and he went on for 2 days about the so-called smell in the bathroom, which I never even picked up on, never mind brought up but last night I went to check if our son was asleep (in his daddys bed) and he kept saying there was fire and it stunk of burnt baby powder, my son also has been having some nightmares and dad insists he sleep in bed with him! If he is smoking something, could my son be getting a contact high? Im scared to confront him again, knowing he will profusely deny it and scared hell take my son into a less controlled enviornment. As uncomfortable as it is, at least I cna go plop down in there and make sure nothing else happens until my son is asleep and try to get him into his own room. Any advice on what he is doing or what I can do? I know I cant make him stop, and his family is all functional addicts/alcoholics so I doubt he will ever see it is wrong, sadly for our son.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You are so isolated geographically, and that just compounds the emotional effects of being with an addict. It is a very tough situation for you.
I haven't a lot of experience in such situations as yours, but maybe if you speak with someone at the domestic abuse hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) that person can help you connect to someone locally who can assist with a plan to get you out of there. It is considered abuse when a husband controls the wife's money, mobility, and threatens her or the safety of her children. What you need is professional advice about how to extract yourself from this situation and protect your son from a drug abuser.
You may have to be the one who physically moves away from the house for awhile--even though it is yours--while you are dealing with getting legal protections and agreements in place concerning the child. The house is yours and eventually you could return to it, but you may have to leave for awhile.
So consider making a call to the hotline for a local resource person to talk with. When we are in these situations with addicts our minds are so overwhelmed, we don't know what to do, we make confused choices, and we very much need to be guided by someone with experience and a clear head.
For now, be vigilant about your child's safety.
Perhaps someone else on the board can answer your question about "contact" exposure. But I think we are all probably just feeling very strongly that your child is in danger all the time, and that you need to cut loose from the addict as soon as possible. But you need to do it the right way. So call the hotline and see what local help you can get for advice and resources.
I'm sorry you are in this terrible situation. But you are not trapped. Step by step, you can resume control of your own life and the well-being of your child. Don't give up. You have a mother's strength in you and you can do it.
I haven't a lot of experience in such situations as yours, but maybe if you speak with someone at the domestic abuse hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) that person can help you connect to someone locally who can assist with a plan to get you out of there. It is considered abuse when a husband controls the wife's money, mobility, and threatens her or the safety of her children. What you need is professional advice about how to extract yourself from this situation and protect your son from a drug abuser.
You may have to be the one who physically moves away from the house for awhile--even though it is yours--while you are dealing with getting legal protections and agreements in place concerning the child. The house is yours and eventually you could return to it, but you may have to leave for awhile.
So consider making a call to the hotline for a local resource person to talk with. When we are in these situations with addicts our minds are so overwhelmed, we don't know what to do, we make confused choices, and we very much need to be guided by someone with experience and a clear head.
For now, be vigilant about your child's safety.
Perhaps someone else on the board can answer your question about "contact" exposure. But I think we are all probably just feeling very strongly that your child is in danger all the time, and that you need to cut loose from the addict as soon as possible. But you need to do it the right way. So call the hotline and see what local help you can get for advice and resources.
I'm sorry you are in this terrible situation. But you are not trapped. Step by step, you can resume control of your own life and the well-being of your child. Don't give up. You have a mother's strength in you and you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
this sounds familiar
I guess its possible that he could be slipping you something to make you sick, but the chances are that you are becoming sick from anxiety.
I reunited with my high school boyfriend after 20 years and I knew that he had had done drugs in the past and thought that he was completely sober and looking for a better life, that's when I was 35. He must have started using after a year of us being together (although i didnt realize it at the time)
The stress from his tantrums, problems with money and complete dependency on me was too much. I began to have tingling in my fingers and toes, double vision, fatigue, abnormal heart rythms, fainting spells, pains and just generally felt unwell. I dont smoke and only occastionally have a glass of wine, I also eat very well and stay fit, so this didnt make sense to me. I had EKG's and MRI's....to the conclusion that I had so much stress in my life caused by this man that anxiety was making me SICK! I am still SICK and dealing with this situation the best that I can. For me to tell you to just "leave him" or "get out" is just too simple. I am seeing a therapist who is helping me cope until I see the right opening to slip through. I know it will happen and I will leave, but timing is everything. In the meantime, I just need to take care of ME., I suggest you do the same.
I reunited with my high school boyfriend after 20 years and I knew that he had had done drugs in the past and thought that he was completely sober and looking for a better life, that's when I was 35. He must have started using after a year of us being together (although i didnt realize it at the time)
The stress from his tantrums, problems with money and complete dependency on me was too much. I began to have tingling in my fingers and toes, double vision, fatigue, abnormal heart rythms, fainting spells, pains and just generally felt unwell. I dont smoke and only occastionally have a glass of wine, I also eat very well and stay fit, so this didnt make sense to me. I had EKG's and MRI's....to the conclusion that I had so much stress in my life caused by this man that anxiety was making me SICK! I am still SICK and dealing with this situation the best that I can. For me to tell you to just "leave him" or "get out" is just too simple. I am seeing a therapist who is helping me cope until I see the right opening to slip through. I know it will happen and I will leave, but timing is everything. In the meantime, I just need to take care of ME., I suggest you do the same.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Everything English Garden said is great advice. Also, keep a journal of his behaviors. Sounds like there is a lot of crazy-making going on in your life. Making healthy community ties is a great step. Church, therapy, al anon. Good proactive steps. Also I would suggest putting your son in a mommy and me or a Gymboree type class or some kind of interactive toddler-mom group to show some solid parenting time. Get emotionally healthy, engage in healthy behaviors, it will highlight his craziness.
I kind of isolated over the last year of my AH's addiction. I was just getting so worn down and was developing anxiety. The proactive steps I have taken to rejoin life have been to get back involved in my church, join a women's bible study group, get my children involved in youth group, started therapy, went to al anon today, took over boys scouting duties. I will also be actively volunteering in my kids school and engaging in charity/volunteer events at church. It wasn't that I didn't want to be part of life before, I just got so wrapped in all his crazy making. Now that I am getting healthier and detaching from him, my anxiety had lifted mostly and I want to be a part of life and I have more motivation and confidence when I am not allowing him to drag me down. Of course we are in our own place now but you need to get you healthy, muster every ounce of mama bear strength you have and get going doing your life for you and your children.
I kind of isolated over the last year of my AH's addiction. I was just getting so worn down and was developing anxiety. The proactive steps I have taken to rejoin life have been to get back involved in my church, join a women's bible study group, get my children involved in youth group, started therapy, went to al anon today, took over boys scouting duties. I will also be actively volunteering in my kids school and engaging in charity/volunteer events at church. It wasn't that I didn't want to be part of life before, I just got so wrapped in all his crazy making. Now that I am getting healthier and detaching from him, my anxiety had lifted mostly and I want to be a part of life and I have more motivation and confidence when I am not allowing him to drag me down. Of course we are in our own place now but you need to get you healthy, muster every ounce of mama bear strength you have and get going doing your life for you and your children.
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