Please shatter my delusions ruthlessly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
Please shatter my delusions ruthlessly
My son is a low level meth addict, age 30. He has been kicked out of both my home and my ex-husband's home. This is because he says he likes being an addict and sees no reason to change. He lived on the street awhile, couch surfing and in alleyways. Then he met a woman, and he slowly began to improve his appearance, and came to visit me and do little things to help me. I thought wow, she is inspiring him to get off drugs and he thinks she is worth it. She seemed nice.
Recently, she violated her probation with a dirty drug test and was picked up and put back in jail and they are sending her to rehab. She won't be back for months.
My son was stressed. I let him borrow my car to visit her in jail. He brought it back on time and washed it too.
Then last week, he brought the car back trashed, dirty, panels kicked out, smelling like sweat with a story that he fell asleep in a parking lot and strangers must have done it. I took him for a hamburger and his eyes were rolling around in his head and he was so sleepy he almost fell off the chair. We left quickly as I was afraid he might fall off and they'd call an ambulance or something. I bought him groceries so he could eat. He told me he had no food because he had no money.
This week, he kept the car nearly all weekend by stringing me along with excuses for not bringing it back. I lost my patience and told him I thought he was on drugs again. He said no, but I said, I think you are sleepy cause you took them and you're sleeping them off and he said nothing.
Today I paid the PG&E bill on his apartment so it wouldn't get turned off. That is because he and his girlfriend had borrowed money for a trip and paid it all back to me.
I am now having second thoughts, and feel guilty that I probably did enabling. I feel like a sucker that was played.
Thank you for any insight you can give me.
Recently, she violated her probation with a dirty drug test and was picked up and put back in jail and they are sending her to rehab. She won't be back for months.
My son was stressed. I let him borrow my car to visit her in jail. He brought it back on time and washed it too.
Then last week, he brought the car back trashed, dirty, panels kicked out, smelling like sweat with a story that he fell asleep in a parking lot and strangers must have done it. I took him for a hamburger and his eyes were rolling around in his head and he was so sleepy he almost fell off the chair. We left quickly as I was afraid he might fall off and they'd call an ambulance or something. I bought him groceries so he could eat. He told me he had no food because he had no money.
This week, he kept the car nearly all weekend by stringing me along with excuses for not bringing it back. I lost my patience and told him I thought he was on drugs again. He said no, but I said, I think you are sleepy cause you took them and you're sleeping them off and he said nothing.
Today I paid the PG&E bill on his apartment so it wouldn't get turned off. That is because he and his girlfriend had borrowed money for a trip and paid it all back to me.
I am now having second thoughts, and feel guilty that I probably did enabling. I feel like a sucker that was played.
Thank you for any insight you can give me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
welcome and you have come to the right place for help.
to put it bluntly, you are enabling your son and things will not get any easier for him or better until you just let him live his life the way he wants, and deal with the consequences of his choices. there is a book in here that many recommend "Co-dependency No More", and the stickies at the top of this section will be well worth a read.
you will receive lots of information and support here. you may not like what you hear, and you can choose to take it on board or not, but know that it comes from a place of knowledge and compassion. no one in here is out to make you feel bad about yourself or your choices. but it wont be easy to hear or to put into action.
good luck with your son, and i hope it works out for you. just look after yourself and do what is best for you, and let your son do the same.
to put it bluntly, you are enabling your son and things will not get any easier for him or better until you just let him live his life the way he wants, and deal with the consequences of his choices. there is a book in here that many recommend "Co-dependency No More", and the stickies at the top of this section will be well worth a read.
you will receive lots of information and support here. you may not like what you hear, and you can choose to take it on board or not, but know that it comes from a place of knowledge and compassion. no one in here is out to make you feel bad about yourself or your choices. but it wont be easy to hear or to put into action.
good luck with your son, and i hope it works out for you. just look after yourself and do what is best for you, and let your son do the same.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Torque, what are the delusions that you wish to have shattered?
Feeling like a sucker that was played is another chorus in the songs I have written about my relationship with my AS.
Please read the stickies. Melody Beattie's classic "Codependent No More" helped me understand why I used to feel like I had to rescue my son from his bad choices.
Just posting in this forum is a sure sign that you are ready to find ways to make your life better. YOUR life, not your son's life. You can't do that.
Welcome.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Feeling like a sucker that was played is another chorus in the songs I have written about my relationship with my AS.
Please read the stickies. Melody Beattie's classic "Codependent No More" helped me understand why I used to feel like I had to rescue my son from his bad choices.
Just posting in this forum is a sure sign that you are ready to find ways to make your life better. YOUR life, not your son's life. You can't do that.
Welcome.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
Thanks so much. Your replies tell me I am in the right place. The stickies are helpful, especially much of the codependent one. I need to learn this stuff and deal with it.
Five years ago I was hospitalized with suicidal depression. I realized the medication just bought me the time to make needed life changes at work and at home. I had to spot any situation or person that brought up those feelings and eliminate or change things. Staying depression free is my number one purpose in life.
I can't have my son's drug addiction interfering with this. Thank you all. I am off to read and learn.
Five years ago I was hospitalized with suicidal depression. I realized the medication just bought me the time to make needed life changes at work and at home. I had to spot any situation or person that brought up those feelings and eliminate or change things. Staying depression free is my number one purpose in life.
I can't have my son's drug addiction interfering with this. Thank you all. I am off to read and learn.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome torque.
Meetings and learning to work a simple 12 step program literally saved my life and helps me today in all my relationships.
My son is lost somewhere in his addiction and I pray for him every morning, but I no longer live my life in fear or spend all my energy trying to fix that which is not mine to fix.
I hope you find comfort here, and support. It's a heart breaker to be the mom of an addict.
Hugs
Meetings and learning to work a simple 12 step program literally saved my life and helps me today in all my relationships.
My son is lost somewhere in his addiction and I pray for him every morning, but I no longer live my life in fear or spend all my energy trying to fix that which is not mine to fix.
I hope you find comfort here, and support. It's a heart breaker to be the mom of an addict.
Hugs
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Or the Dad or spouse of one. I also would encourage you to get to a Nar-Anon or an Al-Anon meeting. The face to face support and cameraderie is priceless.
**{Serenity for you torque. Stay out of the ringer.}}
**{Serenity for you torque. Stay out of the ringer.}}
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Will you stop enabling -paying his bills and lending him your car?
" No" is a complete sentence.
" No because..." is the begining of the negotiation dance. Don't go there.
Your health is your responsibility and having unshakable boundaries contributes to maintaining emotional balance.
Give your son the gift of dignity to find his own way.
" No" is a complete sentence.
" No because..." is the begining of the negotiation dance. Don't go there.
Your health is your responsibility and having unshakable boundaries contributes to maintaining emotional balance.
Give your son the gift of dignity to find his own way.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Please shatter your delusions ruthlessly?
I'll pass on that. You're new to the board, and like all of us who've come here, you're hurting. And with good reason.
Most, if not all, the mistakes we make with the addicts in our lives are because we love them. Especially when we're talking about children. So, yeah, you enabled him, and you shouldn't have done that. But the hooks your son has in you are pretty deep.
What you're going to have to learn how to do is what all of us here have learned or are learning how to do, and that's detach with love. That means, in part, we have to allow the addict the dignity to make their own mistakes, and we have to stop cleaning up their messes. I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not.
But try to think of it this way: his behavior is totally, 100% independent of what you do or don't do for him. And based on that fact, why drive yourself nuts by trying to save him when you can't save him anyways? This doesn't mean you don't love him, because you do. What it does mean is you're protecting yourself and establishing healthier boundaries when it comes to your son.
The more you hang around here, the more you'll encounter ideas like I just shared with you. Start with the sticky notes on the top of our home page, especially "What Addicts Do". Keep us posted as to how you're doing.
Best,
ZoSo
I'll pass on that. You're new to the board, and like all of us who've come here, you're hurting. And with good reason.
Most, if not all, the mistakes we make with the addicts in our lives are because we love them. Especially when we're talking about children. So, yeah, you enabled him, and you shouldn't have done that. But the hooks your son has in you are pretty deep.
What you're going to have to learn how to do is what all of us here have learned or are learning how to do, and that's detach with love. That means, in part, we have to allow the addict the dignity to make their own mistakes, and we have to stop cleaning up their messes. I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not.
But try to think of it this way: his behavior is totally, 100% independent of what you do or don't do for him. And based on that fact, why drive yourself nuts by trying to save him when you can't save him anyways? This doesn't mean you don't love him, because you do. What it does mean is you're protecting yourself and establishing healthier boundaries when it comes to your son.
The more you hang around here, the more you'll encounter ideas like I just shared with you. Start with the sticky notes on the top of our home page, especially "What Addicts Do". Keep us posted as to how you're doing.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
What is a low level meth addict? He sounds like a regular old garden variety addict to me. My sister has been a meth addict for 20 years- up to the same hijinks that your son does- couch surfing, homelessness, wrecking cars... Etc. My dad has thrown away thousands of dollars that have not done one thing to fix her. He cant fix her and neither can you fix your son. Start tak
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
What is a low level meth addict? He sounds like a regular old garden variety addict to me. My sister has been a meth addict for 20 years- up to the same hijinks that your son does- couch surfing, homelessness, wrecking cars... Etc. My dad has thrown away thousands of dollars that have not done one thing to fix her. He cant fix her and neither can you fix your son. Start taking care of you, this is a good first step. Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by FindingErica 
What is a low level meth addict? He sounds like a regular old garden variety addict to me. My sister has been a meth addict for 20 years- up to the same hijinks that your son does- couch surfing, homelessness, wrecking cars... Etc. My dad has thrown away thousands of dollars that have not done one thing to fix her. He cant fix her and neither can you fix your son. Start taking care of you, this is a good first step. Welcome!
Exactly! You and BeavsDad are right. He is just a typical meth addict. The "low level" I think is something I told myself to make it seem not so bad. The difficult part is telling myself it is okay not to help; he is living the life he has chosen, and he has chosen meth. And I should get to enjoy my life of not using drugs. Thanks for pointing this out.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
You asked for it....
STOP ENABLING HIM!!!
Please dont give him money for ANYTHING and protect yourself by NOT loaning him your car. As others have said, he needs to take care of himself and so do you!
Best Wishes
Please dont give him money for ANYTHING and protect yourself by NOT loaning him your car. As others have said, he needs to take care of himself and so do you!
Best Wishes
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey torque
Welcome to the forum.
No ruthlessness from me.......but I will share my experience, strength and hope as it relates to myself and my addicted son. His DOC is also meth and he is 31 so our sons are very close in age.
Personally, I couldn't (wouldn't) shatter the illusion (delusion) too quickly. First, it simply didn't work. My mind couldn't handle all of the exposure at one time. Second, it was a process (not an event) to really understand the depth of my son's addiction and the depth of my participation as a codependent.
I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this disease. I found tremendous relief in the rooms of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon but more than that, I found people who understood what it's like to have an addicted family member. I found dear friends. And I found a method that allowed me to peel away the delusions as I could handle it.
There are many mothers here on SR (now lovingly referred to as the Posse of Mamas) who understand and we will walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to the forum.
No ruthlessness from me.......but I will share my experience, strength and hope as it relates to myself and my addicted son. His DOC is also meth and he is 31 so our sons are very close in age.
Personally, I couldn't (wouldn't) shatter the illusion (delusion) too quickly. First, it simply didn't work. My mind couldn't handle all of the exposure at one time. Second, it was a process (not an event) to really understand the depth of my son's addiction and the depth of my participation as a codependent.
I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this disease. I found tremendous relief in the rooms of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon but more than that, I found people who understood what it's like to have an addicted family member. I found dear friends. And I found a method that allowed me to peel away the delusions as I could handle it.
There are many mothers here on SR (now lovingly referred to as the Posse of Mamas) who understand and we will walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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