90 Days Later: he's fixed and I'm the bad guy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Erica,
You are exceptional! Don't let his shenanigans shake you! You are so strong and so determined; I wish I was like you. You are not cold and heartless. How could you be? You love your children more than anything or anyone and you are always very kind to us at SR. You're human. God gave you feelings. After someone has trampled on you one too many times, you can forgive, but you still remember the pain. I think we remember so that we will hopefully not make ourselves as vulnerable to that particular offender again. Don't let your AH give you religious counsel. Talk to God yourself. We are all here for you!
You are exceptional! Don't let his shenanigans shake you! You are so strong and so determined; I wish I was like you. You are not cold and heartless. How could you be? You love your children more than anything or anyone and you are always very kind to us at SR. You're human. God gave you feelings. After someone has trampled on you one too many times, you can forgive, but you still remember the pain. I think we remember so that we will hopefully not make ourselves as vulnerable to that particular offender again. Don't let your AH give you religious counsel. Talk to God yourself. We are all here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Well I worked a double shift last night, and the shift started with the unit secretary transfering me a call from a creditor. He said AH told him I would pay up the credit card bill which is 3 months in arrears. I don't know if AH gave him my work number but he said he was going to continue to call and harass me at work until I paid. I can't afford to pay. Is this legal? I thought creditors couldn't harrass at work. He said if I didn't get AH on the phone today to work things out they were coming after us for the debt in full. I cant believe this, harrassed and humiliated at work. And AH all rhapsodizing about this seminar stuff he has been paying for and flying us out there. We need to get on top of these bills. I told him go to a credit counseling agency and he hasn't. I just can't take anymore. Weirdly this whole incident made me think about going back to AH so we can get these finances under control. I am very scared to get hit with so much debt it sinks me financially. Why is this of all things making me want to go back to him. All my fear and security issues.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Banish that thought!
Banish that thought!
It will all be settled with the divorce proceedings and divvying up of both debts and assets. Don't let it consume you or weaken your resolve! This is just another textbook way to manipulate you--and I am sure he gave the collection agency your work number! Next time they call, tell them you are in the middle of a divorce and to contact his or your attorney. Bills can feel like a big scary thing, but in this case, it's very small compared to your long-term wellness. Hang on, Erica!
It will all be settled with the divorce proceedings and divvying up of both debts and assets. Don't let it consume you or weaken your resolve! This is just another textbook way to manipulate you--and I am sure he gave the collection agency your work number! Next time they call, tell them you are in the middle of a divorce and to contact his or your attorney. Bills can feel like a big scary thing, but in this case, it's very small compared to your long-term wellness. Hang on, Erica!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Well I found out when I spoke to the credit card holder that they spoke to AH yesterday, and suddenly they have my work number. Golly gee, wonder how that happened. He said he would call them back and he didn't. Today he told me he was too busy to conference in and work things out with strangers. Ugh!
Then I got this email in regards to his efforts to patch things up:
Erica, That's only because I still love you! And yes I feel like your harboring this bitterness and resentment and because i feel your being selfiish and very ungodly like and hypocritical! If (female minister) or pastor **** really knew your true intentions and motives behind wanting you divorce would they really really support your decision? Or would they want the chance to console and speak restoration and healing into our lives? God doesnt want this and nither do i. I feel that you only want out of this marriage for selfish reasons. So yes you can label my actions anyway you want. I want forgives and I want us to survive, I want this *marriage restored & not just for our future happiness, but for a good mental state for Son, Daughter 1 and Daughter 2 to never reach the level of insecurity, shame, guilt, low self esteem and anger that you and I had in our childhood that we brought into our adult lives. Don't you get it I want healing for all of us. That is my sincere and true motive!
I feel like a ping pong ball. My true motives? He has no clue. So now is he going to start contacting my support base at church to tell them the "real me". He already screwed with my work yesterday. I'm exhausted.
Then I got this email in regards to his efforts to patch things up:
Erica, That's only because I still love you! And yes I feel like your harboring this bitterness and resentment and because i feel your being selfiish and very ungodly like and hypocritical! If (female minister) or pastor **** really knew your true intentions and motives behind wanting you divorce would they really really support your decision? Or would they want the chance to console and speak restoration and healing into our lives? God doesnt want this and nither do i. I feel that you only want out of this marriage for selfish reasons. So yes you can label my actions anyway you want. I want forgives and I want us to survive, I want this *marriage restored & not just for our future happiness, but for a good mental state for Son, Daughter 1 and Daughter 2 to never reach the level of insecurity, shame, guilt, low self esteem and anger that you and I had in our childhood that we brought into our adult lives. Don't you get it I want healing for all of us. That is my sincere and true motive!
I feel like a ping pong ball. My true motives? He has no clue. So now is he going to start contacting my support base at church to tell them the "real me". He already screwed with my work yesterday. I'm exhausted.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Tell the bill collector to stop calling you at work. If they continue after that (which is illegal), tell them you will file a complaint with the FTC and then do it.
Look at Dave Ramsey's website or books -- there's lots of good information there about how to handle debt and debt collectors.
Also see: Debt Collection FAQs: A Guide for Consumers
Look at Dave Ramsey's website or books -- there's lots of good information there about how to handle debt and debt collectors.
Also see: Debt Collection FAQs: A Guide for Consumers
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First tell your attorney what he has done now. Also forward ALL his
emails to your attorney for his/her perusal.
Now if that 'collector' calls again at your work, you firmly tell him/her
that they are not to call you at work, and that any future calls should
be to your attorney as you and he (AH) are in the midst of a divorce.
Warn your pastor of the 'tenor' his emails are taking and of his harass-
ment of you to date, and that you fully expect him to start calling the
pastor next to tell pastor what a bad person you are.
It may be time to talk with your attorney about hows to make clear
to him that any communication is to be about the children only and
when he would like to visit them.
This is just out and out vicious manipulation.
Recovery? Ha What recovery? He certainly is not showing any. He
is still totally in his 'old ways' of manipulation, harassment and fear
tactics.
Take some deep breathes.
We are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
emails to your attorney for his/her perusal.
Now if that 'collector' calls again at your work, you firmly tell him/her
that they are not to call you at work, and that any future calls should
be to your attorney as you and he (AH) are in the midst of a divorce.
Warn your pastor of the 'tenor' his emails are taking and of his harass-
ment of you to date, and that you fully expect him to start calling the
pastor next to tell pastor what a bad person you are.
It may be time to talk with your attorney about hows to make clear
to him that any communication is to be about the children only and
when he would like to visit them.
This is just out and out vicious manipulation.
Recovery? Ha What recovery? He certainly is not showing any. He
is still totally in his 'old ways' of manipulation, harassment and fear
tactics.
Take some deep breathes.
We are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Dave Ramsey is the shiznit when it comes to financial stuff.
Erica....this is not "love". Someone who loves you would not threaten you in this way.
Someone who loves you would not be having the creditors call your work. Someone who loves you would actually let you walk away if that is what YOU wanted....
Consider this.....
The "marriage" part is all of the day in and day out things. The legality is nothing more than a piece of paper. The divorce is the removal of that legal piece of paper. If he were taking the high road and showing love.....love for himself, love for you, love for the kids....
He wouldn't be doing ANY of this.
The fact that he is, in fact doing these things..........is DESPERATE, NARCISSITIC....SOCIOPATHIC and MANIPULATIVE
My first husband tried all of these tactics. He got his jollies from trying to wield power over me...invoking fear in me.....keeping my mind in chaos......
When I filed a restraining order and went total no contact.....He couldn't see if the buttons being pushed were effective. And he couldn't believe that I didn't want to have a single thing to do with him.
Erica....this is not "love". Someone who loves you would not threaten you in this way.
Someone who loves you would not be having the creditors call your work. Someone who loves you would actually let you walk away if that is what YOU wanted....
Consider this.....
The "marriage" part is all of the day in and day out things. The legality is nothing more than a piece of paper. The divorce is the removal of that legal piece of paper. If he were taking the high road and showing love.....love for himself, love for you, love for the kids....
He wouldn't be doing ANY of this.
The fact that he is, in fact doing these things..........is DESPERATE, NARCISSITIC....SOCIOPATHIC and MANIPULATIVE
My first husband tried all of these tactics. He got his jollies from trying to wield power over me...invoking fear in me.....keeping my mind in chaos......
When I filed a restraining order and went total no contact.....He couldn't see if the buttons being pushed were effective. And he couldn't believe that I didn't want to have a single thing to do with him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Lovefraud.com -- sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials, con artists, bigamists
There is link to the blog on this site. Check that out too.
There is link to the blog on this site. Check that out too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Thank you everyone, I know I keep writing but I don't know how else to make sense of this bombardment.
This is how I described him to my therapist. "he thinks of himself as my knight in shining armor, but first he tramples me with his horse, then he comes to my rescue."
This is how I described him to my therapist. "he thinks of himself as my knight in shining armor, but first he tramples me with his horse, then he comes to my rescue."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Creditors can call you anywhere, anytime, up to 9:00P.M.. They can call your relatives and anyone you listed as a reference when you applied for credit.
All you need to do is tell them to stop !
Get familiar withthe Fair Debt Collection Act.
All you need to do is tell them to stop !
Get familiar withthe Fair Debt Collection Act.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Erica -
I'm so sorry your going through this. Don't allow him to have so much power over your sanity. Take the advice above. That's all you can do. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize his irrational behavior. I know it's hard. We're here for you. Stay strong. You need your strength for you and your kids don't take any more energy for his power moves. Hang in there. Most importantly - take the advice above. My advice purely as someone who continues to live in this world as well; When I feel myself getting those feelings of anxiety when I'm on the phone with him --(you know those feelings of your heart palpitating, your stress headache coming on, etc) I calmly say - I need to stop this conversation right now and need to stop this discussion right now (he of course continues with his quacking), I repeat myself calmly and add - this is no longer healthy for me and I'm sorry but I need to end this call. Good Bye and I hang up. I stop engaging. It works for me. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry your going through this. Don't allow him to have so much power over your sanity. Take the advice above. That's all you can do. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize his irrational behavior. I know it's hard. We're here for you. Stay strong. You need your strength for you and your kids don't take any more energy for his power moves. Hang in there. Most importantly - take the advice above. My advice purely as someone who continues to live in this world as well; When I feel myself getting those feelings of anxiety when I'm on the phone with him --(you know those feelings of your heart palpitating, your stress headache coming on, etc) I calmly say - I need to stop this conversation right now and need to stop this discussion right now (he of course continues with his quacking), I repeat myself calmly and add - this is no longer healthy for me and I'm sorry but I need to end this call. Good Bye and I hang up. I stop engaging. It works for me. Hang in there.
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