Is my marriage worth saving????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2
Is my marriage worth saving????
I have been with my husband for 23 years. He is the world's best husband, father, son, brother..... WHEN HE'S NOT ABUSING ALCOHOL/DRUGS. He has been in treatment and he was sober for 9 years, the best 9 years of my life! 5 years ago, his father passed away and my husband blamed himself, his family handed him a drink and it was over, he was drinking again. I have had ups and downs with him over the last 5 years but recently it has gotten worse. He talks negatively about me, he is constantly drinking, and I believe he is using again. Last week, I woke him up while he was still under the influence to ask him for some money to help with the household. He told me he didn't have any and lied about not getting paid. I told him that I hated what he was doing to the family and I was sick of seeing him like this, he got up, pushed me against the wall and told me to leave him alone. My adult daughter told him to leave me alone and the 2 of them proceeded to fight. The police was called and he was arrested for domestic violence. The man that was there that morning was not the man I married. I miss that man and I love him, I do not love the man that was before me. He is in jail waiting to go in front of the judge and they asked me what I wanted. I told them that I wanted to see him go to rehab, get the help he needed and bring that man that I married back home to me. I have not seen or talked to him and I don't know what hes thinking. His family is calling me and my daughter and telling us that its all our fault. I have been sick all week and we don't go to court until next week. I am so sick and confused, am I asking for too much? Please help me!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Violence is NEVER okay. Him shoving you is bad enough, but to actually physically fight with your daughter is inexcusable. No one deserves to be physically abused. I can't tell you what to do, but I can strongly suggest that you think long and hard before you allow him to return to your home. Rehab is not a magic pill that makes everything okay again. He has a LONG road ahead of him and that is IF he really wants recovery. If he doesn't, then all the rehabs in the world will not help.
I hope you will take this time of him being gone to figure out what is truly best for YOU. Your home should be the one place where you do not have to be afraid. Once he has physically abused you, it will be easier to do it again. I suggest you check on your financial situation and maybe even open a new account in your name only at a different bank. Move money into that account so he cannot touch it. You might also want to check with legal counsel to see what your rights are as far as him being allowed to come back to the house.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
I hope you will take this time of him being gone to figure out what is truly best for YOU. Your home should be the one place where you do not have to be afraid. Once he has physically abused you, it will be easier to do it again. I suggest you check on your financial situation and maybe even open a new account in your name only at a different bank. Move money into that account so he cannot touch it. You might also want to check with legal counsel to see what your rights are as far as him being allowed to come back to the house.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you for responding so quickly, he will not be coming back to the house because I was told that he will be getting a no contact order. I am praying that he will take that time to evaluate what has happened and what was going on and want the help he so desperately needs. What I fear most is that he won't be able to do what is needed or have the time to evaluate the situation because I fear that he will get into the hands of his family and they think that he doesn't have a problem. They don't see him and they are alcoholics as well. I hated watching him slowly kill himself with every drink he took and his family tells me that that's his business and if he wants to drink he will. They aren't looking out for his best interest, they are looking for someone to party with. My children miss their father that they know and love and so do I. I can't function without crying most of the day, I hurt and I hate what he did at the same time. Everyone that knows him can't believe that this happened, neither can I. I heard that he will have a no contact order so that may help in the healing process, but at this moment in time, I feel like I am in jail as well. I regret waking him up that morning more than anyone will ever know. His sister asked me how I would feel if I was locked up and she wishes I could be. I told her that if I could be locked up and that would make him better and the person that I know he is, I would do it in a heartbeat! Of course she does not believe me!
As far as the bank goes, that was taken care of a long time ago. I knew he was having a problem, he just won't admit it. I don't know if he is realizing it now or if he is just hating me now.
As far as the bank goes, that was taken care of a long time ago. I knew he was having a problem, he just won't admit it. I don't know if he is realizing it now or if he is just hating me now.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have read that when an addict relapses after a long period of sobriety, he goes down very fast and the bottom that happens is usually deeper than the one that first got him sober.
Your husband had 9 clean years, so something must have worked for him. He knows what works. He needs to experience the the darkest possible anguish and consequences of his recent actions as a drunk and a drug addict in order to be desperate enough to get help. Let him. Hope for it.
Allow time for his insanity and his suffering to unfold and to land him somewhere hard. Either drunk or sober. He is out of control, his brain is broken, and you are the parent who is sober and who can bring structure and stability to your home, and you have to do it. You absolutely have to straighten your shoulders and assume command of your home. No alcohol, no drugs, no violence, and no addicts moving back in without a full year of vigorous recovery and counseling for domestic abuse and addiction.
If you do not plant yourself squarely against his addiction, your home will not be safe. You can do it. Go to Al-Anon for support, get yourself a bull-nosed counselor who will advocate for your family and for you, and get yourself legal protections, physical, financial, parental.
It's war now. Addiction is back in control. You have to suit up. Cry it all out and then get going. You can do it.
His family is toxic. Like mustard gas to your highest good. I would stay away.
Your husband had 9 clean years, so something must have worked for him. He knows what works. He needs to experience the the darkest possible anguish and consequences of his recent actions as a drunk and a drug addict in order to be desperate enough to get help. Let him. Hope for it.
Allow time for his insanity and his suffering to unfold and to land him somewhere hard. Either drunk or sober. He is out of control, his brain is broken, and you are the parent who is sober and who can bring structure and stability to your home, and you have to do it. You absolutely have to straighten your shoulders and assume command of your home. No alcohol, no drugs, no violence, and no addicts moving back in without a full year of vigorous recovery and counseling for domestic abuse and addiction.
If you do not plant yourself squarely against his addiction, your home will not be safe. You can do it. Go to Al-Anon for support, get yourself a bull-nosed counselor who will advocate for your family and for you, and get yourself legal protections, physical, financial, parental.
It's war now. Addiction is back in control. You have to suit up. Cry it all out and then get going. You can do it.
His family is toxic. Like mustard gas to your highest good. I would stay away.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that all this has gone down, but I'm happy that you found us.
One sentence stood out for me when I first read your post.
My personal belief is that under the right set of circumstances, we're capable of anything. Especially if someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. So it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that he got physical with you.
The good news, if there's any, is he WAS in recovery for 9 years. That's something for him to build on, but he has to want that for himself. Somehow, where you've been down this road in the past with him, I suspect you know this, too.
His family is in denial, which isn't a surprise either. Right now, your boundaries have to be firm when it comes to dealing with them. Just because they're misbehaving doesn't mean you should. My own opinion? Ice them until they can behave rationally, and not a moment sooner.
As far as the title of your post goes -- "is my marriage worth saving?" -- it's not my place to answer that. Right now, you've been hurt, and it's probably a moment by moment battle for you just getting through your day. I would strongly encourage you to find a local Al Anon/Nar Anon meeting in your area and begin the process of healing yourself. I would also encourage your daughter to attend. There will come a moment in the future where you have to decide if you want your marriage to continue, and that's an intensely personal decision that may be independent of your husband's behavior in the future. That moment, I don't believe, is here yet.
First things first: begin the healing process. And keep us posted as to how you're doing.
Best,
ZoSo
One sentence stood out for me when I first read your post.
The man that was there that morning was not the man I married.
The good news, if there's any, is he WAS in recovery for 9 years. That's something for him to build on, but he has to want that for himself. Somehow, where you've been down this road in the past with him, I suspect you know this, too.
His family is in denial, which isn't a surprise either. Right now, your boundaries have to be firm when it comes to dealing with them. Just because they're misbehaving doesn't mean you should. My own opinion? Ice them until they can behave rationally, and not a moment sooner.
As far as the title of your post goes -- "is my marriage worth saving?" -- it's not my place to answer that. Right now, you've been hurt, and it's probably a moment by moment battle for you just getting through your day. I would strongly encourage you to find a local Al Anon/Nar Anon meeting in your area and begin the process of healing yourself. I would also encourage your daughter to attend. There will come a moment in the future where you have to decide if you want your marriage to continue, and that's an intensely personal decision that may be independent of your husband's behavior in the future. That moment, I don't believe, is here yet.
First things first: begin the healing process. And keep us posted as to how you're doing.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Is my marriage worth saving?
This was the question on the title of your thread.
When I was married to my XAH, I tried to make the marriage work. But I found that a marriage is about TWO people who are dedicated to making a marriage work. One person alone cannot do it.
When the fear and pain of staying with him exceed the fear and pain of living without him, I knew my marriage was over. I look back and do not regret my decision.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. All the wishing and wanting in the world won't make him sober.....it just won't happen unless he wants it to be.
We're very big on self care around here. Take care of yourself.....first.
gentle hugs
ke
This was the question on the title of your thread.
When I was married to my XAH, I tried to make the marriage work. But I found that a marriage is about TWO people who are dedicated to making a marriage work. One person alone cannot do it.
When the fear and pain of staying with him exceed the fear and pain of living without him, I knew my marriage was over. I look back and do not regret my decision.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. All the wishing and wanting in the world won't make him sober.....it just won't happen unless he wants it to be.
We're very big on self care around here. Take care of yourself.....first.
gentle hugs
ke
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