Kicked him out I'm so proud of myself!!!!!

Old 09-09-2012, 11:29 AM
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Location: Toledo, OH
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Kicked him out I'm so proud of myself!!!!!

Here's the background, I swear this story gets longer every month.

We've been together 4 1/2 years, 2 kids (3yrs & 6mos), and he's been an opiate addict since before we met.

Met in Jan 2008, he was on methadone for oxycontin and claiming he is detoxing off of it. Summer 08 I notice cash withdrawals off my credit card, find out he "relapsed" off methadone and was using oxys all summer til he was broke. I was pissed and told him my last bf was an addict and I broke up with him bc he wasn't serious about his sobriety and I would break up with him if he wasn't serious (like he said when he told me the 1st night we went out). I said no methadone, no pills, nothing at all or I'm out. He told me he was done, flushed his pill down the toilet and that was it.... (I knew NOTHING about addiction back then).

I find out I'm pregnant only 6 mos after dating him... He tells me he has this side job his friend got him 7 days a week for a few hours every morning... then around Nov 2008 a bottle (METHADONE) fell out of his pocket. I went to grab it real quick to read the name (I was pretty sure I saw his name on it when I glanced) and he ripped it out of my hand and hurried to the bathroom. I'm yelling at him through the door to come out bc he locked it and eventually he comes out and the name tag is ripped off. He claims he bought it off a guy we both know even though I was pretty sure it was his.

In March 2009 I give birth and he tells me an hour later that he's going to grab some clothes for us at our apartment. He was gone for like 3 hours no joke left me and the baby in the hospital by ourselves and claimed he fell asleep at the apartment. Later on I find out the job this whole time was fake, he even made up a huge story about it and went great lengths to purchase certain items to make me believe it was true (i'm not going to go into that bc it makes me sound like such an idiot). He was going to the methadone clinic this whole time, there was no extra income, there was actually a $300 expense every month for this crap.

Well I eventually got over it, we had a baby and if the methadone was keeping him off pills I convinced myself I was ok with that. A few years go by and it starts irritating me that he has made no moves to get off the methadone, made me wonder if he was content with his life this way or what his goals were. There were times he would try to quit cold turkey, then try detoxing but of course as soon as an argument starts he gets it bumped back up again (he had take-homes so I could see his dosage and he couldnt lie to me about that at least......).

We both had decent jobs for our ages (we met at 18 and 20) and could afford our bills and extra things. We both end up getting fired a month apart from each other April and May 2010. I was getting so sick of feeling like a bum so over the summer 2010 I thought about going back to school. I looked into a bunch of schools and eventually decided I was going to go to Nursing school in April 2011. My bf decides he wants to go to rehab since he got put back on his dad's insurance so he goes in March 2011.

He gets out and is on nothing (they pushed suboxone on him but he didn't want to be on anything). So he is completely sober for the longest time since we've been together. We were going to meetings together when he asked me to go and he eventually started going to them by himself. I find out later that he relapsed a week out of rehab on a suboxone from someone from his rehab. He gets in the intensive outpatient program and is on suboxone now. It was 3hrs a day 3 days a week.

A few days before Easter I find a receipt for the pawn shop with Harry Potter 6-disc blu ray set and a few games that I know we have. I know he goes to garage sales and resells for profit but I had to be sure and I knew exactly where I put my Harry Potter set was so I go to check and sure enough it's missing!!!! He breaks down the next day and tells me he pawned it because he had a speeding ticket he had to pay for and that he cheated on me with an alcoholic from his intensive outpatient program!!!!!!!! Apparently one night he took my car to an AA meeting and drove her home, went inside, and you can take it from there... I was soooooo upset but felt like since he actually told me the truth about something I felt I should tell him that while we broke up for about a month in Dec 2010 and after I had moved out of our apartment I was with another guy I was dating. STUPID AGAIN I'M SUCH AN IDIOT I did nothing wrong I sincerely thought we were done I was sick of his lying and we had lived together forever so for me to move out was a huge deal. So I never got to be upset about that because of course he turns it around on me and claims I cheated on him since "you know we weren't really gonna be broken up forever".

He claims he felt high on the 2 suboxones he was prescribed daily so he only took one and he eventually started selling the extras. I was sooo against this because it was making him in contact with people who used. Well I got pregnant again August 2011, still have another 7 months of nursing school but I was completely focused and felt like nothing could interfere. He told me to rely on him for money while I completed school since I couldn't work it was full time and eventually I did need money and all of a sudden he is broke... turns out he was given a percocet from someone he sold suboxones to and ended up doing it. He was hooked on opanas now because oxycontins are apparently unavailable now and he was out of suboxones and couldn't go to get a refill because he would fail drug test.

I was so fed up but stuck in this situation I got myself in. Another baby and he was my only option for a babysitter in school. In Nov 2011 my dad got a DUI on his birthday and had me get up early in the cold (while pregnant) to take him to work every morning before school (yes I know I was a codependent I get it now.) I scrounged up money and ended up giving my son an amazing christmas. I used restaurant gift cards I got for xmas to pay for my lunches at school and was using whatever leftover money I had from unemployment after my school payments for gas and groceries. I was barely scraping by but I managed. After this I knew I could not rely on him. He even left my grandma's house on xmas to go get a pill. He got back on methadone and I felt like he was at least "normal" again, I can usually tell when he's using by my intuition, and he acts like a zombie, not affectionate, and sleeps a lot.

I feel like addicts have 10 different personalities depending on what drugs they're using makes them different people and that's what makes us stay in the relationship because we like that 1 personality and that's what makes us stay. (my bf can be romantic and motivated guy, zombie and cold guy, sleepy and lazy guy (not too lazy to get drugs tho hmmm), you get the point, and of course I like the first one and that's what I get from time to time.

Around January 2012 I have just a few months left of school and I find out even more chaos my little sister's been using pills and decides she wants to be a stripper. Everyone has gone off the deep end in my family I swear I'm the only normal one and even I'm messed up for dating addicts but it's a fricken cycle I swear it doesn't even matter if I don't know they are addicts, I always end up with addicts!!! And I haven't used in years!!! (I'm not an addict).

Idk if it was from all the stress or what but I went into labor in February, 2 months early and ended up giving birth. I was EXTREMELY depressed when I found out he would be in the NICU and I couldn't take him home, I detached myself from him, I cried every day, it was the worst time of my life and I had no support. My alcoholic dad didn't come see him once in the 5 weeks he was in the NICU. He is a bar guy, goes to the bar and drinks margs every day after work from 5-9pm yet cant make it to the hospital (i did tell him not to bother showing up if he was drunk but I'm pretty sure he wasn't immediately after work). I'm pretty much over that though now, back to the story...

I missed one day of school and went to clinicals the day after I was discharged. I visited my son every day at the hospital until I could finally take him home. I graduated school and had both my boys there at graduation, I was so happy and proud. There has been no signs that he's using anything but methadone since this year started so everything has been good...

Well a week ago I just had that weird feeling.... I go in his wallet like a sneaky b**** and find pawn receipts again. He pawned his iPod I got him for xmas 2 years ago. I confronted him and he said he needed quick money to pay off tickets he got (I knew about the tickets...). Well I check my credit card I let him use for gas and theres a $140 cash advance and a $40 cash advance on there... I confront him and he said he needed money to play in a tournament (oh i forgot he gambles, go figure an addict has another addiction......). I made him sleep on the couch for a couple days because I knew something was up, I had that feeling and I'm NEVER WRONG when I trust my gut! So I look in his wallet again a few days ago and find 2 pills in a baggy with a tool to grind them with. I take them, crush em, and throw em away (that's what we're told to do as a nurse) and then HE confronts ME about it when he realizes they are missing...

I couldn't help but smile because I knew this was it, I was done, I was now strong enough and had enough knowledge about the disease to understand I had done nothing but keep him in his addiction and I needed to stop being selfish and let him go! So yet again he's got a story about how he's selling them as a profit for someone (i dont know of any drug dealer holding onto your bowl when they sell you weed...) and that "you cant get high on methadone".... um hello dumb*** I learned about all that crap in school, just like people claim you can't get high on suboxones, right.... I know you can bc I did in high school!!!!!! ANYWAYS we get into an argument and he says "good luck finding a guy with that belly." I'm sooooooo glad he said that because that gave me all the strength I needed. I went straight to my room, grabbed all his clothes, folded them up, and made a pile on the floor. I walked out to him and said "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" He grabbed his stuff, cleaned out his car, and left. I haven't seen him since and I haven't even cried (I'm pretty emotional lol).

Oh and I'm not even that chubby but i could lose 15lbs and look great and guess what I've been dieting now (not really dieting just eating very healthy and watching my calories) for 3 days and already lost 4lbs!!! I feel great, I have pretty much been a single mother since I've been out of school anyways and it's not like I ever relied on him for money so I'm completely confident in being independent. He texts me every night asking about the kids and saying he misses them and he's so depressed but I just ignore him, I'm not keeping them from him and he knows where they are if he wanted to see them that bad... I know I'm doing the right thing for our family, he has never hit a rock bottom because I never let him, well now he has the opportunity to and I'm doing the best thing I can. I take my state exam for my nursing license in 2 days and then I'm getting my own apartment (we've been living with my parents while in school) and working my butt off to give my kids the best life ever!!

At this moment I told myself even if he got clean tomorrow I wouldn't let him move in with me until after Christmas. I've always tried to make it work for the kids and because I really do love him but I'm not going to love him to death! I've been through enough this past year and even this whole relationship with him, I'm 22 and I feel like I finally get it. Thanks to this website for all the amazing support and stories and advice, it's helped open my eyes on tough love and I'm putting an end to being an enabler/codependednt/love addict, it's not healthy and I need to start loving myself more because after all he loves his drugs more....

Thanks for reading and your love and support!
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Old 09-09-2012, 12:31 PM
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You are amaaazing! Good job! We have so much in common- 2 kids, my baby is 10mo old, we are nurses, my AH sounds just like yours, from the suboxone games, gambling, going to great lengths to reinforce elaborate lies, and even the saying that one last mean thing that gives you that final push. For me it was saying that my older daughters father abandoned us because I was such a b***h and had impossible expectations (not because he was addicted to crack). He also says ill never be happy because I don't accept people and I'm psycho.

Anyway I filed for divorce! And I'm feeling mostly peaceful about the decision. We can do this girl! And I'm sure you look fabulous, he's just playing on an insecurity to exploit you.

Your kids are soooo lucky to have a mom like you.
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Old 09-09-2012, 12:31 PM
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Now it's time to get your life on track. You can do it!

About your losing weight--keep up the good eating regime! A year and a half ago I went on the 17 Day Diet and lost 20 pounds straight away. If all you want to lose is 15 pounds, you should have that gone in a matter of a few weeks. I always asked myself what I was doing wrong, why I was overweight, and the answer came down to carbs. The one thing I learned was to keep my carb intake early in the day (before 2:00 p.m.). It has really helped keep the weight off. Just my little tip!
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Old 09-09-2012, 12:57 PM
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Becky1982- wow yeah that sounds just like me!! haha yeah he says I'm the reason he does drugs and that's how I know he isn't ready to commit to sobriety, always blaming someone else!! Well I'm so happy for you it's so hard having so much invested but we deserve to be happy!

kmangel- thank you for the great tips! I've never heard of the 17-day diet but I did the HCG diet a few months back and lost 10 lbs in a week but of course put it all back on because 500cal/day is pure torture!! My problem is portions I eat way too much because food makes me so happy!! I only eat from the "lighter or under 550cal" sections when I go out to eat and make easy choices like light sauce or no cheese. It's a lot easier since I'm using the "Lose it" app on my ipod and makes me conscious since I have to enter in all my calories. Idealistically 20lbs would be great or even 25 (how I was about 5yrs ago right out of high school) but I would feel great and look great even with 10 or 15 knocked off...

guess it's hard for my skinny bf to understand since its easy to lose weight when you're doing drugs.... :P
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Old 09-09-2012, 12:58 PM
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Inspirational, what you've been and put yourself through, how you've learned a better way, and the strength and resourcefulness you exhibited in making a life for You AND your children!
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Old 09-09-2012, 01:54 PM
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it's a great feeling when you know you are finally done with the BS
when you hit bottom
it kind of feels a little like being invincible
a healthy boundary is a joy to the spirit!
no more BS no more BS abuse!

happy for you
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Old 09-09-2012, 02:58 PM
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Wow, you are a great storyteller and a true SURVIVOR! This was an incredibly inspiring post because you are so passionate about living a HEALTHY, SANE LIFE! No drugs, no 10 personalities, no DUI's, no pawn shops, no abandonment in the maternity ward, and no more LIES.

Thank you, this was great to read today.
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Old 09-10-2012, 12:08 AM
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Thank you Titanic, lesliej, and EnglishGarden. Every day gets harder because he truly is a good father and sends me these stupid texts about having to stay in a hotel because he has no place to go and trying to take my focus off the fact that I was not happy with him bc he knows it drives me crazy to hear him just throwing money out the window. Had to come back on here to remind myself to stay strong. This is so hard but I know I'm doing the right thing. He was using my phone, my home, and my car and I took all that from him. I won't keep his kids from him but I definitely don't trust him taking them overnight even if that means I never get a break! I just realized though that this is the first time I'm not in a hurry to replace him with another man bc I'm not afraid of being lonely anymore, I've pretty much been alone this whole relationship!
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Old 09-10-2012, 10:33 AM
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Hey lovemykids I'm right there with you. It's hard to be strong when the addict is expressing remorse, sadness, and immense pain. We as codependents and nurses naturally want to heal other peoples pain. When they hurt, we hurt. But like we do in our jobs as well, we sometimes have to hurt others to make them better (think of shots, dressing changes on painful wounds, amputations, coding patients). If he and my AH are going to get better it will be because we didnt prevent them from feeling the full consequences of their actions: losing their family, losing the comforts of home, having to struggle. They might seek real help, they might not. It's a bitter medicine we give when we say enough is enough. It's medicine for us too. It's hard though. I know just how you feel.

Be strong, but if you have a bad day, a moment of weakness, if you feel sad, just come share. We will be here for you.
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Old 09-10-2012, 11:48 AM
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You are so right about putting it into a nurse's perspective Becky!! Makes so much sense when you look at it that way. He always told me he thought I would leave him when I got done with school and got a good job and that keeps replaying in my head but really I have given him so many chances and he never gave me a reason to want him to stay! He just kept taking and never gave any back. I have changed so much I don't put up with the BS anymore but he hasn't changed a bit. As you can see it was the same thing happening just a different year and that was about the only thing consistent about him. I'm just focusing on all the bad times right now to get my mind off the good times we had. I lost almost all my friends because he was so controlling and never trusted me it wasn't even worth going out if he was going to accuse me of cheating on him every time. Plus I have a huge passion for music bc I'm a musician... Symphonies, concerts, etc and I feel like he just ripped that from me bc he would never attend one with me even though I always went to the casino with him (I hate gambling). I take the NCLEX tomorrow and after that everything will fall into place. He completely stole my life from me and I'm going to get it back!
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Old 09-10-2012, 12:35 PM
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Well that was a self fulfilling prophecy now wasn't it? My AH also said I was gonna kick him out someday, and what do you know? I did. I think that attitude helped them not feel guilty about their actions.

My AH also always accused me of having affairs. I stopped going to meetings, going to yoga, going to the gym, I rarely went out with my friends, I stopped wearing earings, heels, perfume and certain clothes when I went out. It was easier to deprive myself and let go of who I am than to be picked on, put down, punished, raged at. The worst accomidation I made was letting him discipline my daughter in ways I didn't agree with, ways that affected her self esteem. I feel terrible about that but my warped thinking led me to believe that keeping the peace was best for all of us. Never again.

When my friend went through a break up after a seven year relationship she felt lost. So she made a list of all her favorite things to do and for 30 days she did them. She felt much better after 30 days. What do you say we do the same?

You're gonna ace the nclex! In the bag baby!
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