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Year in review....yeah...it's long...get coffee

Old 09-09-2012, 03:46 AM
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Year in review....yeah...it's long...get coffee

Next week will be one year since I confronted my husband with my knowledge of his Vicodin use/addiction.

Here is the link to my very first post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...befuddled.html

It was suggested by my therapist and several others that I should try to give him one year to show some positive move toward sobriety, recovery etc.

And during that year, I should also be making positive moves towards protecting assets, having a back up plan, continue to work on my recovery by going to Alanon, reading, continuing to learn. Be flexible, have compassion and the list goes on. I have done all of these things and more.

As I approach the end of the one year, here is what I can tell you....

The only thing that has changed is that he got a job. Then he quit that job because he got another job and didn't bother to tell me.
Now he has a fancy job at a hotel where all the rich people and celebrities stay and it feeds his ego to say that he works there. But, he's still addicted to Vicodin. He abstained for several days and had obvious signs of withdrawal so he could pass the drug test. And then miraculously...he was all better.

In the past year, there have been many many times that my husband has lied to me. Something I had never known him to do prior to Vicodin.
When someone is honest and open with you, and you are a team, a good team together for over 20+ years and they start to lie...each lie chips away a piece of your heart. Especially when the lies are so obvious and inside I have actually laughed that they were so lame.

He continues to protect his addiction and has done so for the past year.
He continued to refill the prescription and hid the pills from me. Not very well I might add. I never had to go looking for them...because his hiding places were just not that good.
When I told him that I knew he was still taking them and hiding them, he said "ya...I just did that for fun".

It has turned into a sad sick game for him. Because, you see...I was getting in the way of his addiction.

He has a flat affect. We need the sharp edges of life and opiates round out those sharp edges. Opiates do not discriminate on the emotions that it rounds out. It rounds out all of them, including joy and happiness.

In the past year, I have become the queen of detaching. I have literally perfected the art of No Contact while living with him right in the same house.
It was easy to do because he's all rounded out by the Vicodin and he has a steady supply from the prescriptions as long as he doesn't start gobbling them up too fast. His addiction has not progressed to the point where he has to supplement his supply by buying them off the street or over the internet.

Yet.
But it is headed there.

His change in jobs created a one month lapse in insurance. His insurance just kicked in on Sept 1st. On Sept 4th I came home and he was in the recliner with an ice pack on his knee.
I noticed papers all over the kitchen counter from the doctor with reference to sciatica.
I played dumb and asked him what was wrong with his knee. He told me he had been having red hot searing pain down his leg for the past 3 weeks. Pain so bad that it made him want to cry. Really? No mention of this to me whatsoever in that 3 weeks, and no signs of discomfort or limping or heavy sighing.

The papers made no mention of Vicodin. In the part where it says "patient reports taking the following prescription medications:" it only listed his cholesterol med. No pain relievers were prescribed, but the doctor ordered an MRI.
I thought this was a bit extreme for a first complaint of sciatica type symptoms.
I've had it several times and used a heating pad uh....on my butt...not on my knee.

He made the appt. for next Thursday and asked for a sedative for the MRI.
He didn't involve me or have any conversation with me about it.

Next Thursday is my birthday.
No acknowledgement from him that it's my birthday, do I have plans?.... only that I will need to take him for his MRI appt.

You see....he is entitled.

When his nephew died suddenly and he took 2 weeks off to go to the funeral,
Not 3-4 days...but 2 weeks....because he is entitled...that is what Vicodin has done to him. And because he took 2 weeks off, his boss did not pay him for those 2 weeks. So he helped himself to a brand new $1,000+ camera (he worked for a commercial photographer). This camera showed up in the house the last day he worked there. I asked him and he said he bought it...but refused to produce a receipt. Because he was entitled.
I know he stole it. I know in my gut he stole it to offset what he didn't get paid.
I have never known him to steal anything....before Vicodin.

I believe he stocked up on pills and then rode out the one month of no insurance to somehow make me think he was not taking them anymore.
I believe he left the papers from the doctor all over the kitchen counter in hopes that I would read them and notice no mention of Vicodin.

This is a guy who password protected his computer, his phone and started locking his car while in the garage.....he thinks everything is suddenly NONE of my business anymore....so it's the subtle things you pick up on.

I think the one month lapse in insurance screwed up his steady prescription flow and if he went back to the doctor with the original complaint about the shoulder, the doctor would want to give him a cortisone shot.
So....to protect his supply....and to protect his addiction....he came up with a new pain problem.....his leg.

He started exhibiting a few withdrawal signs this morning.
I think tomorrow is his day off, and being Sunday...I expect that he will go to the clinic...knowing that his regular doctor won't be there. I will not be surprised if he tells them that the pain is just too bad and the alternating ice/heat is just not doing the trick. Incidentally....he has not done the ice/heat as prescribed...since last Tuesday.
So he will have an expensive MRI and they will find nothing wrong, the ice/heat is not working and they will have no choice but to treat his "pain".
Because...well...that's what they do.

I consulted a divorce attorney a year ago and have had several conversations with her over the year. I will be calling first thing Monday morning for an appt. to officially file for divorce.

I honestly gave him a year of understanding, flexibility and compassion while I watched his addiction continue to progress. I'm not giving him any more of my precious life and time. My life is not a dress rehearsal.....

If I were to say that the past year was worth it, I would have to say no.
I would not recommend it. The only solid thing I can say is that I walk away with no questions, no remorse. No unfinished business, for me.

The amount of energy it has taken to remain centered has not been worth it.

Over the past year, I have had moments of extreme anger, frustration etc. you name it...I had it. But I only lost it 2 times with him, not my finer moments, but hey...I'm human and I'll give me that. Other times, I went up to the cliffs where nobody is around for miles and screamed my flipping head off. It was amazingly helpful. I recommend it to everyone.

There seem to be alot of postings here on SR the past week or two regarding leaving, filing for divorce, etc.
I can't tell anyone else what to do...and I broke my own rule of refusing to live with someone in active addiction. I did it for the past year. And I need to hold myself accountable to me by ending the year the way I promised myself I would.
Working my own program was the sanity saver, life saver for me.
It works if you work it.

I am knowingly stepping off the ledge and going out there on my own...alone.
I choose to look at it that I am unloading a huge rock that I have been carrying on my back ....his addiction and all that goes with it.

The future looks exciting....free....exhilarating....and terrifying....all in one.
I know it won't be lonely. I have been horribly lonely here, with him. I love my own company. I can be alone....I do "alone" really well.....I know, I've seen me do it and actually....I can't wait for that part. I've asked him to move out, but he refuses. So I will be glad when that changes.

There are still some things to get finalized and cleaned up but I am shifting from "still willing to try if you show action" to "nothing changes if nothing changes...the year is up...I'm moving on".

I am thankful for all of the good years, great years actually.
One of my sayings is.... "it was great....until it wasn't"

Be kind to your fellow SR posters here. Everyone is struggling. Everyone is in the middle of their own process. I know of one of us that is actually afraid to come back and post because they feel they are going to chastised if they tell you whats happening in their life right now.

Things people have said that helped:

Above all...stay in faith with your higher power. Faith and trust Faith and trust
Faith and trust (from my bff)

Don't love something that can't love you back. (from my dad)

There's plenty of room up here on the high road (from my friend, you know who you are).
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Old 09-09-2012, 04:54 AM
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Hello, YearForMe. Thanks for sharing. I am sorry for the pain you've experienced and understand your decision to move on.

There's a current thread on board in which I find the post of EnglishGarden helpful and I believe speaks volumes; she well describes the despair of those who coexist with an addicted loved one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-alcohol.html

I wish you success on your new journey.
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Old 09-09-2012, 06:20 AM
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Wow what a year for you! Sounds like you have done a great job putting yourself together and that is all you can do.

Thank you also because I have this nagging guilt that I am not giving AH a year to "prove himself" which I don't think will change anything.
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Old 09-09-2012, 06:35 AM
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Thank you for this post.

It appears clear that you have spent years working on your own codependency issues. Even though, to lose all those wonderful years to a devil pill? My heart goes out to you.

Your clarity of mind is encouraging and hopeful. It gives me hope that detachment does come when we learn what we own and what our addicts own.

My pilot light is burning strong, and posts like yours help us all.

My prayers are with you as you begin your new life. I don't doubt you will fly.

In compassion,

Peaceandgrace
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Old 09-09-2012, 08:47 PM
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Thank you so much for the depth of this post. Your comment about opiate addiction rounding out the sharp edges really hit me. It made the awfulness of living with someone who is constantly medicated so vivid.

And your describing the loneliness of living that way. And that you are okay now with "alone", you can do "alone." I am alone and I admit I am not very good at it, I miss having someone to talk with in bed late at night about the day's events, someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I miss the intimacy.

But "alone" is for me not like the torture of living with someone who is indifferent or cold or dismissive. We are not made to be treated that way. We shrivel.

I just want to wish you all the best as you begin to make yourself a new home and a fresh start. I hope you will still have time to visit SR and support the people in pain who come here and who cannot imagine leaving yet can no longer handle staying with an active addict. You are right about the need to allow others to be confused or paralyzed while we simultaneously remind them of the reality of addiction, the basics of addiction, so they do not hold out false hope that they can fix the addict with their love or can endure years of neglect from someone who refuses to try to get sober without being destroyed in some way. We have to tell the truth but also remember, with humility, how much we loved our addicts whom we could not change and how long it took most of us to leave them when they would not change.

Thanks again.
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Old 09-10-2012, 01:11 PM
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Thanks so much for your post. I am one of those who recently filed. It also occurred to me that we are approaching one year since I found out about AH's addiction to percocet. I was promised many things at that time, things that I have been promised again since I filed.

So I gave it a year too, and not much has changed. I cant say for certain that AH is using (he says he is not), but the behaviors are the same, and I feel the same.

I'm going to try screaming from a cliff very soon
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Old 09-10-2012, 01:50 PM
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Thank you for this post of strength and courage. It helps us all no matter who the A in our life is.
Hugs
Teresa
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