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Sick of hearing about drugs and alcohol!!!!

Old 09-07-2012, 12:55 PM
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Sick of hearing about drugs and alcohol!!!!

The last 3 years have been a nightmare with my RAH and my codependency. I have been on SR, to drug counselors, court systems, lawyers offices, NA, naranon, alanon, 4 marriage counselors, thousands of dollars, millions of tears and sleepless nights!

I am tired!!! I am SICK of addiction. I'm sick of reading about it, talking about it, hearing about it, seeing it, looking for it, being suspicious about it. I want to bury my head in the sand . . . I don't ever want to read another article and see the pain in peoples post about how this horrible disease is tearing up someoneís life. I don't want to hear someone laugh or joke about having a good time getting wasted or getting high.

I am heartbroken that this has happened in my family. I try and educate myself in every possible way to make myself a better person. Go to meetings and read to work on my codependency. I set boundaries and try to do all the things I have learned to better my life.

Everyone in a while though it hits me like a ton of bricks. This is a hard road to be on. Dealing with addiction, recovery, codependency, all the emotions and drama this all causes is sometimes just unbearable.

Somedayís I want to pack up my things, grab my son and just walk out the door. Start a new life and try and forget about my husband and the residue left from his active addiction. Maybe I'm just having a pity party and I need to snap out of it uugggg

Does anyone else have days like this? I feel alittle crazy about it sometimes . . my RAH has 1 year clean and I still feel very stuck in the hurt and anger.

What do you do to get out of the funk on days like this?


I could use some encouraging words about now
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:04 PM
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learningtofly, I haven't been on this road nearly as long as you have, but it's already made me tired. The worst part is, unless you've dealt with this before in your family, unless you've been a co-dependent, you have no idea what we're going through. Everyone puts so much focus on the actual addict, and true, they walk a difficult road, but so often nobody realizes or they easily forget how much hurt, chaos, and damage it brings to our lives as well. It's not as if I'd like people to pity me, but I guess that aspect of it just makes me feel even more lonely.

I don't think it's wrong that you feel the way you do. I'm a newbie here, but I've read many of your posts and you've done everything you should do. It's hard and tiring. It puts a burden on all of us emotionally, mentally, and financially. I really admire you though. You seem so strong. It's ok to have moments like these, I'm sure.

Part of me feels that I've never done anything wrong, why do I have to deal with all of this? I'm not the one that has the addiction. Why does it have to take over so much of my life now?

I'm sorry, I know that so many other people here will have far more important things to say in response, but I didn't want to just read and run. Thanks for posting this because I think ALL OF US have felt this way, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one.
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:43 PM
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L2F- just like kyles I am a newbie to SR too. However I am not a newbie to living/ loving an addict. Your feelings are totally normal! I too feel the same way. I read these posts that break my heart, I write posts that break my heart, I live the drama w/ an addict, I read anything and everything online about addiction/codependency/saving your marriage etc. ANd it leaves me feeling like this- Why am I trying so hard? Why am I doing all this to try to save my marriage while my AH doesnt do a darn thing to save it? WHy am I trying to make myself better when he just drags me right back down?Why is it all so 1 sided? Why am I even here w him? blah blah blah. It also leaves me feeling just plain sick of it all! I wish I could answer your question about how to get out of that funk but I havent yet mastered that one. I havent mastered alot about addiction actually. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings of being sick of it. ANd your feelings of just picking up and leaving. All I can say is what everyone else keeps telling me, which is doing something for yourself when you are feeling this way. I have tried that and it does help some, or atleast it gets my mind off of it for a little bit.
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Old 09-07-2012, 02:30 PM
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L2F, everyone understands. I don't think there is one person on this forum who hasn't been exactly where you are. I call it the "full teacup" theory. When your teacup is full, there is NO MORE ROOM to add anything else and it must be emptied in order to take more in. Our human abilities to handle grief, loss, pain and heartache know when we need to recharge.
I got some good advice to help me the other day: Go and cry, let it all out let every ounce of suffering out. Once you do that, you might find some room in the teacup.
Life sure is not always a bowl of cherries so we need to handle the pits some times. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is an outlet of release. I find myself able to cry for a moment or two, then give it back to HP and go on. Try and see if it helps

Walking with you,
Teresa
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Old 09-07-2012, 05:41 PM
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I understand, too.

I once read that children are much more traumatized when they are hurt by someone they know and trust and whose role in the child's life is to love and protect the child, than when the child is injured by a person he knows is "bad" and expects to be "mean" or "dangerous." I have forgotten the name of the psychologist who wrote of this, but she particularly studied Jewish children who survived World War Two and the manner in which they recovered from their trauma. The children understood that the men in the uniforms were bad people. The bad people were easily identified. And this understanding enabled the children to better recover from their traumatic experience.

I think we here experience a level of suffering that few others can understand because we are psychologically assaulted not by identifiably bad people, but by our spouses or our lovers or our grown children who are addicts, and for the longest time we just cannot process this.

They still look so normal. Some addicts reach a point of a degraded life in a literal gutter. But most do not. They dress fine, they get promotions, they take classes, they go to soccer games and dance recitals, they make a lot of money sometimes, they are often extremely well-spoken and intelligent. They are our husbands, or our wives, or our grown children. They are supposed to love us. We transferred to them all the trust of a child's heart when we married them or birthed them.

So it is a pain beyond describing, when a spouse's or a grown child's personality and heart are removed and are replaced by an entirely new personality and an entirely new heart, and that new person, looking just like the old one, behaves toward us--often without remorse--in the most personally cruel or degrading manner. He or she seems to resent us to the core, and we cannot believe it. We are, for a long time, just unable to process what has happened when an addict turns on us, especially if we knew that person in a time of health.

It just flattens us. We are exhausted from trying to navigate an uncharted and unchartable sea. We cannot control what happens next. We try. But the power of addiction is beyond our ability to manage or to overcome. And it hurts us so much when we have to let go. We have to look up to the heavens and just let go.

I completely understand your exhaustion. It has been a terrible storm at sea for you.

What I do know is that with help (and it will come from unexpected places and through many synchronicities), you will make land. Life does not abandon us. And our greatest trials often reveal our own unknown strength of character.

So stay connected to recovering people who have made land. You are going to be all right. Learn from others, help anyone you can, and let the wheel of life turn.
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Old 09-08-2012, 05:39 AM
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L2F
Wow do I feel your pain! I am in the recovery period after the first relapse. There are definitely stages of grief. When I first knew he relapsed I was angry. Then in shock, great we are doing this again. Then came the craziness when he was all over the place emotionally because of recovery. That's where I am now. This week my RAH called to tell me something so insignificant & crazy. He was so serious about it. I am up to my eyeballs in dealing with all the things that he has caused. Lawyers, IRS, etc... & that's what he's thinking about?! I started crying, then ended up sitting in the floor, screaming to no one "Get me OUT, I want OUT. I just kept saying it over & over! And crying.
I hope yours gets better, but I can't imagine feeling any different than you do!
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Old 09-08-2012, 06:11 AM
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Thank you for responding to my posts. Sometimes this all gets overwhelming. It's nice to know there is others that have these days to and can relate to what I'm going through and understand.

When i first started here on SR I heard many times that the easy part is getting the addict to stop taking the drugs and the hard part was the recovery. I didn't really understand that. I thought well if AH would just put down the drugs he would be fine. Oh boy is that the farthest thing from the truth!!!

My husband just received his one year chip and he is working on step 3. He attends one meeting every week and he has a sponsor. I also attend naranon once a week, go to counseling and read books about codependency. We have both done alot of work in our recovery. We have come a long way individually, however we struggle when it comes to our marriage.

At this one year mark I guess Iím just alittle discouraged that we haven't made more progress. A year ago i thought everything would be fine if he would stop using. Then after a few months everything would be "normal" (whatever that is) and it hasn't been that way. I try not to have expectations and take each day as it comes. The last six months I think I've made great progress in that.

Kyles and emptyshell thank you for your kind words. Sometimes we make our recovery in codependency about the addict. The best and healthiest way to recover is to know that our recovery is ours! It is in my opinion, the one thing that was a blessing in all of this addiction garbage. I realized I contributed to this and now I have an opportunity to work on it. I get the opportunity to better myself and add to my life.

I lovemysonJJ I like your teacup analogy. We all fill our teacups up all too often. I think thatís a great reminder. When we take on too much then it really opens the door for us to get overwhelmed. I can see how that has happened for me. Thanks for giving me that reminder!

Englishgarden your posts are always filled with such insight and wisdom. My husband was a functioning addict. He went to work, he paid his bills, he appeared on the outside to have it all together, however he was an empty shell on the inside. . . .walking around like a robot. He had checked out when it came to being a husband and father to me and our son. I had major rose colored glasses.

So when you say "they look normal" that really hits home with me. Our family and friends had no idea nor did I hell. Then when I discovered he was an addict everyone acted as if it must not be that bad. So now that he is 1 year clean they act as if I should be the happiest woman on the planet that my husband has been clean for a year. I feel guilty sometimes that our marriage isn't in a good place yet. After all has been clean for a year.

I feel that I am a strong person and I get aggravated with myself that I don't trust more and love more. It seems so simple yet so impossible at times. I guess it makes me think there's something wrong with me or that I may never be able to feel this way and that I should move on. IDK it just seems so unnatural.

For today I will let go and enjoy the day with my husband and son. Try and laugh and have fun and keep my eyes open and stay in tuned to what life is trying to show me.
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Old 09-08-2012, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
I understand, too.

I once read that children are much more traumatized when they are hurt by someone they know and trust and whose role in the child's life is to love and protect the child, than when the child is injured by a person he knows is "bad" and expects to be "mean" or "dangerous." I have forgotten the name of the psychologist who wrote of this, but she particularly studied Jewish children who survived World War Two and the manner in which they recovered from their trauma. The children understood that the men in the uniforms were bad people. The bad people were easily identified. And this understanding enabled the children to better recover from their traumatic experience.

I think we here experience a level of suffering that few others can understand because we are psychologically assaulted not by identifiably bad people, but by our spouses or our lovers or our grown children who are addicts, and for the longest time we just cannot process this.

They still look so normal. Some addicts reach a point of a degraded life in a literal gutter. But most do not. They dress fine, they get promotions, they take classes, they go to soccer games and dance recitals, they make a lot of money sometimes, they are often extremely well-spoken and intelligent. They are our husbands, or our wives, or our grown children. They are supposed to love us. We transferred to them all the trust of a child's heart when we married them or birthed them.

So it is a pain beyond describing, when a spouse's or a grown child's personality and heart are removed and are replaced by an entirely new personality and an entirely new heart, and that new person, looking just like the old one, behaves toward us--often without remorse--in the most personally cruel or degrading manner. He or she seems to resent us to the core, and we cannot believe it. We are, for a long time, just unable to process what has happened when an addict turns on us, especially if we knew that person in a time of health.

It just flattens us. We are exhausted from trying to navigate an uncharted and unchartable sea. We cannot control what happens next. We try. But the power of addiction is beyond our ability to manage or to overcome. And it hurts us so much when we have to let go. We have to look up to the heavens and just let go.

I completely understand your exhaustion. It has been a terrible storm at sea for you.

What I do know is that with help (and it will come from unexpected places and through many synchronicities), you will make land. Life does not abandon us. And our greatest trials often reveal our own unknown strength of character.

So stay connected to recovering people who have made land. You are going to be all right. Learn from others, help anyone you can, and let the wheel of life turn.
My God,English Garden-----easily the most powerful words I have EVER read
on SR-----thank you for them!
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Old 09-09-2012, 12:50 AM
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You know, maybe it's not such a bad thing that you are feeling this way or reaching this point. It's almost like the last hopeless evening before the dawn comes. You are so beaten down that perhaps the entire YOU (mind, body and spirit) demands a change, and by change I mean a positive change. A change where there is self-esteem and no more tears. Sometimes "enough is enough" is what saves us.
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Old 09-09-2012, 01:34 PM
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I just read a quote today that said, just when you think you can't take any more and are ready to quit is usually the point where things change.

Hang in there! You will reach a better place!
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