eddiefive10

My wife has been in recovery now for roughly 32 days. Which is.a very good thing, I am attending alanon meetings and trying to work my part, but when we talk either one on one or in family conference calls I feel like I'm left in the dark about her recovery and her progress so far, hell I still don't even know fully what or how much of what she was using. I feel that I should be up to date with her progress and on the same page as her with her recovery, its not a matter of being nosey, its a matter of concern and support on my behal. Am I wrong for feeling this way???? She has stated that this is her program and I need to find mine, trust me I'm trying to wrap my head around this whole addiction mess!!!! Today she expressed that she may want to stay an additional 2 weeks or even go into a half way house for 6 months, she stated that she thinks coming home with me at this point may be a trigger to relapse and maybe I needed to work on myself more, and maybe we might seperate. She stated that she is a different person now and a lot has changed with her, I expressed that, well maybe the change is for the good, we had a wonderful relationship before the last 3 years of hell with her addiction!!!! I have had mixed feelings because of the nonsense that has gone on in our lives, but I am willing to work through them and see where this all goes.... One day at a time.... Now I am fine with 2 additional weeks making it 2 months in recovery not a problem at all, the 6 months in a half way house sure if you think you really need it, but I think 6 months in a half way house is a bit much and running from your problems (husband and 2 children), am I wrong to feel this way????

eddiefive10

Also we live in new York and she is in Florida and half way house would be in Florida

incitingsilence

It is too soon to expect her to be able to share, to be coherent, to even understand herself let alone be able to express her feelings. It takes time and she will have to be comfortable in her own skin first before she will be able to fully be comfortable with anyone else … you and your children together included.

Do you really want her to have the best chance, because from what you wrote it sounds like she is willing to do the work. To not rush home back into life as it was, because although she isn’t using what had really changed this soon…did she, did you?

Time is on both your sides. The time spent now building a healthy foundation will go a long way in helping you each find a together again. It won’t be about just her. Her just getting clean and working her recovery program won’t mean anything in terms of relationship if you do not put as much energy into working your side of things.

Nothing you wrote suggests that she is running away from her life, but following the advice of rehab which is to live in a sober house after to give herself the best of chances.

And her recovery is really none of your business, what she does and doesn’t do to give herself the best chance will be a learning experience … and the question in the joint like this always comes down to, what are you willing to do for yourself???

dollydo

Each persons recovery is different, some need long term rehab, long term guidance and support. Many have serious mental issues that also come into play.

My ex went into all types of recovery programs...none of them did the trick, as he was not ready to get clean and sober for life...and thus far, is still not in recovery.

I would support her by giving her all the time she needs. In the meantime are you attenting Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More by Meoldie Beattie?
If not, I would suggest that you do both.

She is experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, it will take at least a year for her to BEGIN to get her head screwed on right. It really is not healthy for your children to be exposed to anymore of her actions/reactions, children carry their chilhood into adulthood.

Lara

This is both a reply to Eddie and Incitingsilence.... you see this is the part I don't get!!! Yes I understand the part of not being co-dependent..and the only way to help the addict is to help ourselves and do our own recovery (as the partner of the addict)... but as far as I am concerned.. when children are concerned /and even if there are not any children - I think the addicts' recovery is our business!!! Here is a husband who now has to pick up the pieces because of his wife's addiction. Yes, I agree, he needs his own therapy and recovery programme - but these are also HER children - the ADDICT's children. She brought them into the world - I do believe her husband is entitled to know exactly what is going on with her recovery.... Would it not then be equally fair - if his wife calls him from rehab enquiring after the children - and his reply was 'it is none of your business'???

I have read so much on this - having to deal with a dad who was an alcoholic and my best friend of years a cocaine addict - and YES I understand not to enable blah blah - and to detach with love - etc etc etc. And YES, even understand and respect the fact that for the first few months of recovery - even the first year or two - that the addict has to be completely, 100% focused on their recovery or they could relapse! This is the truth of the matter! But sometimes, oh my goodness, just sometimes does it not always be about the ADDICT!!! They are 'allowed' to escape from all reality and responsibility. yes, I get it - it's a disease - but dear God - when one is facing life threatening diseases like cancer etc - I see people I love still giving themselves to the ones they love and doing everything they can for their families....
Sorry to rant on - but it is the MOST SELFISH disease on earth!!!!!!!!!!! Because at the end of the long day - I believe that if an addict truly wanted to stop - they could!!!!!! I believe that besides the addiction - the addict is actually a self involved person - who actually couldn't give a damn about the rest of us!

GardenMama

You're not wrong for feeling ANY way you feel, except for feeling entitled. My RAD did the exact same thing you described when she was in treatment and since she moved into a sober house, she hardly ever contacts me or responds to my communication. I learned from other RAs that it is very normal for someone in recovery to withdraw emotionally from loved ones for awhile. And to feel a little superior because they are doing hard work in treatment. (Thus the comment that you need to do some hard work, too.) There's lots of shame and they aren't strong enough to do their work and make amends at the beginning. I am learning that's why Step 8 & 9 come later.

I would encourage you to get to AlAnon meetings regularly, read all you can here & elsewhere, and make sure you have the mental and emotional support you need to grow into this new place with her, as well as get strong enough to handle whatever may come in the months ahead. Do you have help with your children, time for yourself, etc.? Take care of them and you. I agree it is best to not have her at home for awhile, hard as that may seem. There's so much going on inside her that needs to calm down and regroup. (same for you, too) Home is not the place for that, strange at that sounds.

Take care. Keep reading and posting.

BarelyHere

I so agree with all the advice given above. I am the spouse to a A. I have been through the rehab period with him twice. They are so all over the place that it is nuts. They have suppressed their feelings for so long & then they all come flooding back. I was angry. I had lived with his crazy life for 7+ yrs and was also being put through hell. The phrases about worrying only about what is good for me, and the constant calls & meetings with his new rehab buddies & sponsor drove me crazy. It does calm down, but in my case, it would have been better if I wasn't living in the middle of it. He had a brief relapse & now I am back into this crazy period again. This time I am a little more knowledgable, but it is hard. You have to really work your program.
For example, we own several businesses & have four children. I have been handling everything for years. He started helping again during his sober period. Now that he is recovering again, he decided he had to do what makes him happy. So he spends every waking hour, that he is not working on his recovery, singing. He told me he wants to go away & record an album. Is this in his background? No He has a decent voice, but he's not a professional singer. When I explained that to him, he said that's why he has to dedicate every minute to his goal. I sarcastically said, "So you have just told me you want to run away & join the circus!" In my mind he ought to be working on all the damage he has done to his business, his marriage, his kids, etc. But all that is way too much for him to deal with right now.
Everyday gets a little better & I am trying to look at the big picture. But its hard when last week there was a sound board installed in my workout room downstairs.
This too shall pass!

smacked

I posted this on another thread (in the FF/Alcoholism forum), maybe it'll offer you a different perspective. I'm a recovered addict/alcoholic (4 years) but I have also been in many relationships with both.

"Let me tell you what my husband did about my drinking. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

He did have boundaries, if I kept drinking and using, he was going to move out because he will not live with an active drunk. Otherwise, my actions showed him my recovery.

He still doesn't know a dang thing about addiction or alcoholism, doesn't have to.. doesn't matter. I'm either the person he is willing to share his love and life with, or I'm not. So far I've proved that I am, on the flip side, so has he. We all have boundaries about what we'll accept in our lives. If we don't.. well.. that's trouble.

My recovery is none of his business, and he has never made it so.

I would have recovered with or without him. I had to.

He's never asked me if I've drank or used..I think he drinks a glass of wine when he's out with clients a couple times a month, I actually have no idea.

I'm just a non drinker, and I don't use drugs. The rest of the crap I had to do to get there was incredibly intimate and personal to me, and I share that with nobody."

eddiefive10

I understand the idea of letting go of the past and living for the future. At the same time its like "what the hell happened here?????!!!!" I am a us merchant marine and have sailed on the great lakes since 2001, my wife and I have had a wonderful relationship up until she had gastric bypass surgery in 2009 and the nitemare began!!!!! As I said before I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this, and through alanon do the right thing for her and myself. One day at a time is how I take this, I will be the first to admit that I handled everything with her addiction in the wrong way, and fought a impossible battle that I could never conquer, I wish I had sought out alanon years ago.

eddiefive10

I read this quote today “I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”

― David Sedaris, Naked

wow04

I agree that you need to let her work her program. I am a recovering addict. I had to do what needed to be done in order to stay clean. I didn't discuss my program with anyone but my sponsor and my counselor.

You need work on you right now. Keep going to Alanon.