Advice & encouragement needed :/
 

My husband has been a functioning pill addict for 5 1/2 years.... Although I'm brand new to this site, I'm not new to addiction and how it works and how HE works... He has decided he wants to try and get clean. He has tried several times before and has relapsed every time, so although I'm hopeful that MAYBE he might actually do it this time, i understand that the chances are very high that it won't go as planned.
After reading all the stickies.... I feel very hopeless... I feel like all these years I have been fighting for him and hoping that he will figure it out are all in vain :( All I'm reading is story after story of people saying "RUN"!!! I m loosing hope that things will ever get better:c021:
He supports us financially, he's a very good father to his three children, and a good husband... For the most part. I have accepted the fact that I can not change him, that this is HIS addiction and until he is ready to change there will be no change! We dont fight and argue about it any more... I don't know if that's good or bad, but it makes my life and my kids life more bearable. I don't feel like, my kids are negatively effected by his use. he is always fun loving and kind and he is especially motivated and even more fun when hes using. They don't know when he's using and when he's not... He ever uses to the point of passing out or not being able to function...
He has allowed me to have complete control over our finances and recognizes the fact that if he had access to our account he would spend it all... But then I'm put in a difficult position of dispensing money to him when he wants pills.
I feel very torn about it... I am glad he is giving me some control, but I feel like I'm enabling him by giving him money. Truth is, im a stay at home mom/part owner of our small business... it's HIS paycheck, he absolutely does not have to give me any type of control, he can take it back at any time and hasn't! Soooo.... Do you guys think that's enabling? What would you suggest I do as an alternative with the money situation?
As I ,mentioned before, he is making an attempt at sobriety, well suboxone first. I dunno if I consider that clean or not... I needsome advice on things I can do to help him! What do I say when he calls me on his way to work and says "I'm having a hard time today... I really really want some pills today" how can I show support without enabeling? I know he's not a kid, but I often times feel like I have to treat him like one! Any advice on things I can say, things I can do to help him on this journey will be so much appreciated! I want him to have the best chance possible to be successful this time!
Thank you all, I love not feeling like I'm alone in this, I have been on my own in this battle for way way too long:(

My first thought was in that he wants to try to get clean. By using the word try, he is setting himself up to fail. I would only be semi-assured if he was going to get clean. A definitive statement. My story is similar to yours. My husband hid his addiction for 9 years. I didn't realize anything was seriously wrong until the last 3-4 yrs. He finally came clean almost 2 yrs ago. He has had one relapse after being clean for 18 months. My husband tried self will, rehab, a private counselor, 12 step program, and is going back to rehab.
The 12 step program & rehab have been his most successful. This may not be affecting you & your children seriously right now, but it will get worse. That's the only thing I do know for sure. Also kids are intuitive they may not know exactly but know something is all over the place. As they get older & he gets worse, you won't be able to shield them.
I wish you the best of luck

I agree, the kids will figure it out eventually. I know that I can't go on like this forever. As the years go by I am becoming more and more accepting to the fact that he might never continue on this path til death.... I just feel like he's not a lost cause at this point... I guess I am not quite ready to throw in the towel :(

how do I get him into a 12 step program?

12 Step Programs are free. Google NA in area.

Awesome! Thank you!

May I ask how old are the kids?

Have you considered getting yourself into a 12-step program (Al-anon or nar-anon)? The best thing to do is work the recovery you WISH he would work.

Also you might want to read Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beatty. It could help you with the enabling thing.

Yes, I do the books for our company.... My children are 12, 5, and 5 months

Yes, I most definitely need to get myself into a program. I'm a little unsure how to go about it tho. I just googled NA in my area and I will be calling to get more info on that. Should I go to that? Or is that for him? I'm in desperate need of some support. That would be a great thing for me!

Hello kitty, I will certainly look into getting that book! Thank you!

NA is for him, but he has to want to go. He also has to want to get clean or it won't work.

Alanon or Naranon is for you.

As, much as you want to help him you can't he has to commit 100 % to wanting to get and stay clean and he has to do the work you can attend a meeting for yourself and leave information laying around the house, my suggestion is if you really want too try and save your marriage if your not attending meetings then start, put your focus on YOU and the kids.

I agree with cynical, start putting some money back in case, you seriously may need it...

Nar-anon or Ala-non will be for you .

As one well-known substance abuse counselor, Bob Forrest, says, "Eventually you have to pay the piper." So your fears are well-founded, and you should, as recommended above, have a plan for being completely self-sufficient.

Addiction will "allow" the addict to have a wife, a family, a job, friends, and any other interests and pursuits as long as one rock-solid rule is NEVER broken:

NO ONE and NOTHING comes between the addict and the drug. The moment someone steps in the middle, all the niceness, the "cooperation", and the so-called "fine functioning" of the relationship or the job does a 180 degree turn.

As long as you cooperate with his addiction by providing it with money for pills on demand, the life you describe will go on for awhile.

But eventually he, and you, will have to pay the piper.

So do find some counseling for yourself, attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, be sure you have a will for both of you in place, and get some financial and legal advice from an attorney who will give you straight answers about how to be prepared for the inevitability of your husband's situation exploding. Because for all drug addicts, the day always comes when a storm of sh** rains down.

He will never go to rehab and never go through a difficult medical detox and never throw himself into a 12-step program until he hits a bottom so painful and a psychic nightmare so black that he will do anything it takes to get clean. Addicts do not walk away from the drugs that own them, mind, heart and soul.

You are living with an illusion, and you will do well to be prepared for the day it all crumbles. He can survive. You can survive. But first there will be tremendous crisis. So be prepared for that day.

I am sorry to be so frank. But as the sober parent, you cannot afford to be naive. So get your storm shelter in place.

I couldn't agree with you more Englishgarden...the reason I give in to him is because I don't want to fight with him! I got tired of fighting about it! Plus, I dont like the things he does to get them sometimes when I resist.
That being said, I do not always give them to him when he wants them. Some days he is ok and gets mad and heads to work, other times I find out he pawned something or borrowed money from someone, or got "fronted"... I'm not naive, I simply havent given up hope! I will eventually get to the point that, Im getting closer every day!

I looked up ala-non in my area, I will start attending ASAP!

I couldn't agree more with everything English Garden said.
I am in the middle of the paying the piper stage. I only wish he was the only one having to pay the piper for his sins. But unfortunately I am also. And so are my children.
What finally got my husband to admit his addiction & try to do something about it; was my announcement that I didn't know what was going on in his life, but I was leaving & he would be dealing with it alone. And I was serious.
We had went to marriage counseling for two years every other week. Our counselor was so confused. Our sessions were great, then the next session would role around & he hadn't done any of his "homework" & our situation was getting worse. After his admission, our counselor declared the counseling over, that an addict could not love another person. They only love their drug. It is so true. You can have a strange sort of normal as long as you don't come in between him & his real love.
He then switched over to an addiction specialist, who later refused to see him untill he started also attending a 12 step group. He did nothing for a month, then I started leaving the meeting schedule everywhere. His first meeting was very hard for him, but it was the best thing he ever did.

So, did you end up leaving him? Are you together with him now?

I'm not in denial that my husband and has a horrible disease... I have seriously underestimated how powerful addiction actually is! I just keep thinking he can and will do it! Maybe leaving is what he needs me to do for him to get better...