Advice & encouragement needed :/
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Wife, It's extremely difficult to accept, but NOTHING you do will help him get better. The focus needs to be on helping yourself get better.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Children need at least one healthy parent. You are all they have. They should be the number one focus. Your husband is big enough to take care of himself. Maybe he needs a chance to do that.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Children need at least one healthy parent. You are all they have. They should be the number one focus. Your husband is big enough to take care of himself. Maybe he needs a chance to do that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Maybe leaving is what he needs me to do for him to get better... "
It won't do a thing for him one way or another. He has a progressive disease that has no cure. If he stops using and gets into a strong recovery program for life, he has about a 10% chance of staying clean for life. If he doesn't choose recovery, the disease will get worse and worse, like an out of control freight train.
Leaving would be done for you and your children. Your children should be your priorty, they should never live in a house where addiction is present. They hear and see everything and will carry their childhood into adulthood. They are watching you enable him, they are watching you put on your rose colored glasses again and again. They will remember, as an adult they will affected by their childhood enviorment.
I am not telling you what to do, you are an adult it is your life, your choices, meetings will help. Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum, do research on addiction and children of addicts...knowledge is power.
I wish you the best.
It won't do a thing for him one way or another. He has a progressive disease that has no cure. If he stops using and gets into a strong recovery program for life, he has about a 10% chance of staying clean for life. If he doesn't choose recovery, the disease will get worse and worse, like an out of control freight train.
Leaving would be done for you and your children. Your children should be your priorty, they should never live in a house where addiction is present. They hear and see everything and will carry their childhood into adulthood. They are watching you enable him, they are watching you put on your rose colored glasses again and again. They will remember, as an adult they will affected by their childhood enviorment.
I am not telling you what to do, you are an adult it is your life, your choices, meetings will help. Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum, do research on addiction and children of addicts...knowledge is power.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
I am still with him, for now. I learned of his addiction Dec 2010. He stopped using & I stayed. He then substituted alcohol, and was a raging alcoholic until he went to AA in May 2011. So he was alcohol free for one year in May 2012. But I found out in July 2012, that he had relapsed with pills for 4 months. So he had 13 mos. free from pills & he is not drinking. When he told me about the relapse, I asked him to move downstairs to the basement. He has been pill free now for 6 wks. He is working his program hard.
I chose the physical separation because he isn't using & our last child of 4, is in his senior year of high school. I knew a relapse was a very real possibility, but I just felt we needed some space to work on our separate issues.
If he was using, one of us would be gone. I won't live that way & won't let my child live that way. My husband was the child of two addicts. His father a high functioning alcoholic. His mother an alcoholic & an addict. No one ever confronted either of them, they enabled each other, & both died in their 50's.
You must do what you say you are going to do & only worry about what is best for you & your child.
I chose the physical separation because he isn't using & our last child of 4, is in his senior year of high school. I knew a relapse was a very real possibility, but I just felt we needed some space to work on our separate issues.
If he was using, one of us would be gone. I won't live that way & won't let my child live that way. My husband was the child of two addicts. His father a high functioning alcoholic. His mother an alcoholic & an addict. No one ever confronted either of them, they enabled each other, & both died in their 50's.
You must do what you say you are going to do & only worry about what is best for you & your child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by BarelyHere 
You can have a strange sort of normal as long as you don't come in between him & his real love.
Eventually that house of cards comes down.just make sure you have a few aces in your hand when it happens. Start keeping a journal and any evidence you have of his addiction. You said you are co-owner in the business, find out what that would mean if you left him, part of that is yours.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
I thought i had a good husband for various reasons...
It was a facade... he never touched me until i got between him and the drugs
your kids are affected. you are affected....it sounds like there is a lot of tension in the house and nobody knows which side of the bed he'll get out of today. You deserve better.
I know i need to work on myself and figure out why i tolerated "good enough" for so long
Please take care of yourself and your kids first (that's plenty!). don't worry about him or him getting better... i was obsessed with him getting better for a year and it made no difference...his addiction, recovery, and now relapse are 100% his
hugs and support...
It was a facade... he never touched me until i got between him and the drugs
your kids are affected. you are affected....it sounds like there is a lot of tension in the house and nobody knows which side of the bed he'll get out of today. You deserve better.
I know i need to work on myself and figure out why i tolerated "good enough" for so long
Please take care of yourself and your kids first (that's plenty!). don't worry about him or him getting better... i was obsessed with him getting better for a year and it made no difference...his addiction, recovery, and now relapse are 100% his
hugs and support...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
The only advice I can give is to continue to work on yourself, protect the children and protect finances. It took me many years and complete emotional devastation as a result of my husbands addiction to pills. I played detective, monitored all finances, prohibited him from driving kids in car, years of trying to fix and figure out how to fix his problem and hide his problem from the kids. In the end, all I managed to accomplish was endangering my safety and the kids. I pray that the results for your family are different. The only thing you can do is work on yourself and protect the kids. Educate yourself on addiction and children & protect your finances, so that in the event the addiction progresses, you are prepared.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband got hooked on pain pills after surgery. He was also what would be called a functioning addict. Great job and income, never sold our possessions, never had any legal trouble or anything like that, We did separate for a while. This may sound bad, but it wasn’t so much because I knew he was using the drugs, as it was that while he was using, he wanted to act like he was single and hang out half the night with his friends. So even though I loved him very much, that type of behavior just wasn’t compatible with a happy marriage. If it hadn’t been for that; I don’t think we would have ever separated.
So he did his thing for a while; and then he decided he wanted to stop and he came home and asked me and my parents for help. He went to a non-12 step rehab for 90 days that included some outpatient. We did marriage counseling at the same time, and unlike some folks experiences; we had a lot of contact during the rehab experience.
My husband is now about 5 months clean. He is back at work, and doing really well. He is totally in love with our infant son and is a great dad. He has made a lot of changes in his life; emotionally, physically. He asked for a transfer to another area of his company as the people he used with were all from work; he continues to see a therapist once a week, I see a therapist about once every two weeks, and we have marriage counseling once a month. So far things are good; and although I know there is possibility of relapse, I don’t focus on it. Its enough for me to say that it is a possibility and I accept it.
My feeling is that the more you trust your ability to be independent; the easier it is to live happily, and without constant fear of the future. Ideally this means you have a well-rounded life with various interests. Things that bring you joy and also boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. And then financially, even though you have mutual assets; a safety net that would tide you and the kids over should the worst happen and you have to separate.
One other thing I would suggest; dont forget that there are many components to a marriage. If you focus too much on one thing; other aspects are likely to suffer, and it can create unhealthy dynamics in the realtionship.
In regards to the question you asked about handling the money, I would say that if it has been working for you both, then there is no reason to change it. I personally would not feel responsible for what he does with the money when he asks you for a draw. He would most likely do it regardless.
So he did his thing for a while; and then he decided he wanted to stop and he came home and asked me and my parents for help. He went to a non-12 step rehab for 90 days that included some outpatient. We did marriage counseling at the same time, and unlike some folks experiences; we had a lot of contact during the rehab experience.
My husband is now about 5 months clean. He is back at work, and doing really well. He is totally in love with our infant son and is a great dad. He has made a lot of changes in his life; emotionally, physically. He asked for a transfer to another area of his company as the people he used with were all from work; he continues to see a therapist once a week, I see a therapist about once every two weeks, and we have marriage counseling once a month. So far things are good; and although I know there is possibility of relapse, I don’t focus on it. Its enough for me to say that it is a possibility and I accept it.
My feeling is that the more you trust your ability to be independent; the easier it is to live happily, and without constant fear of the future. Ideally this means you have a well-rounded life with various interests. Things that bring you joy and also boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. And then financially, even though you have mutual assets; a safety net that would tide you and the kids over should the worst happen and you have to separate.
One other thing I would suggest; dont forget that there are many components to a marriage. If you focus too much on one thing; other aspects are likely to suffer, and it can create unhealthy dynamics in the realtionship.
In regards to the question you asked about handling the money, I would say that if it has been working for you both, then there is no reason to change it. I personally would not feel responsible for what he does with the money when he asks you for a draw. He would most likely do it regardless.
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