eddiefive10

My wife is a alcoholic and a drug addict, she is currently in recovery. My question/issue is, how am I suppose to forget all about everything that my wife has done to hurt me and our family, she talks about having horrible secrets and not being able to talk about the, basically everything I read and see, tells me forget about the past and move on, how can I just forget about such horrible things and move on, what is being kept from me that's so bad, do I want to know???? Yes I would love to move forward, but how/ why should I just write off all these horrible things???? Life hasn't been easy I basically gave up everything to hope for hope in the future...

dollydo

Me, I forgave my exabf, yet I do not forget as I never want to get involved with an "A" again, and by not forgetting, I will not. I have moved forward to a better, peaceful life.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain, perhaps, for your well-being it is better that you do not know the whole truth. Addicts do things that are beyond acceptable and make no logical sense...at least, that's what I think.

MsPINKAcres

I think what helped me the most was learning in my Al-Anon recovery program was that dealing with the "to forgive, letting go of the resentment, and the getting even" feelings I needed to understand the concept of acceptance -

accepting the A's and their behavior - that even if I knew everything that happened - it still wouldn't change anything

and most important that Acceptance wasn't the same thing as AGREEMENT

Just because I accepted that was the behavior that had happened in the past it didn't mean that I had to agree with that type of behavior for my future

Took me a lot of reading Al-Anon Literature & other recovery material, attending meetings posting here and openness to work thru some issues. . . But for me, it was about learning what was the healthiest thing for me ~

Just my e, s, & h

PINK HUGS,
Rita

rhsff508

I honestly don't know. The past is what shapes us and the future is what we look forward too. When the past is so painful to remember, what kind of future does that lead the human mind to expect? What can we forgive and forget? I don't know if I can forgive my friend for what she has done. I don't trust her. I still love her, but sometimes love is not enough. Relationships come and go, the best thing to do is end the old relationship, and try to start a new one with her. Build from the foundation up and see what happens.

EnglishGarden

How long has your wife actually been clean and sober? How long has she been in "recovery" and how are you defining that?

If she is less than two years clean and sober, she is still operating with an impaired brain capable of genuine empathy and understanding. There is much damage to the mind of an addict/alcoholic, and that damage takes quite some time to repair.

I would not allow her point of view to sway my choices, if I were you. I would take a step back away from deep work on relationship repair until she has more time in genuine recovery which includes a year minimum counseling, in addition to a spiritual program of some kind. AA is considered to be the best program for rebuilding the addict's humanity.

I also suggest some one on one counseling for the grief and shock she has caused you. And that counseling will also take many months, possibly up to two years, to work through.

People in shambles just cannot be okay. Their relationships, as well, cannot be okay.

You both need much more time for individual work to become whole persons again, with a balance of rational thinking and emotional sensitivity.

She may demand things be her way and go her way because that is part of the alcoholic mindset.

And you may unwilling to wait for change to occur over the long term because you are so tired of waiting for life to get better.

But addiction pretty much blows everything up. And the clean-up takes years.

We are glad you are here. I hope we can support your efforts to rebuild your life.

incitingsilence

Hope for the future is dependent upon how willing you are to heal your past … it will work the same for her.

She can’t carry the secrets, even though she doesn’t necessarily have to ever speak of them … but she must make peace with her life and all the things that she sees as horrible. You will have to decide somewhere in the mix of it all if you can wait for her to find herself again … if you can allow her the time, and work on you while waiting, because she can’t fix her.