I'm not taking AS's calls from jail...am I 'bad'?
 

As some of you know my son is in jail right now... I don't feel like taking his (collect) calls. He's called consistently for the last 3 days but I don't want to hear how miserable he is or listen to more suicide threats or empty promises he will make. I am feeling very guilty about it but not enough that I'm picking up the phone. i feel like I'm being a bad mom and it really sucks to feel this way. I feel like my well is dry and I have nothing to offer him...so I just don't take his calls. What is this really saying about ME? :(

It says that you are taking care of YOU!! You have heard it and heard it and just can't hear it anymore.

We all know how much you love your son, we know how emotionally exhausting this can be. I hope you stop feeling guilty and appreciate that you have limits too.

((tjp)) - No, you are not a "bad mom" for not taking his calls. You are a loving mom who is tired of hearing the same old thing and you are giving your son the dignity of dealing with his consequences. Put the guilt stick down, sweetie.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tjp- It's fine not to ake calls. I took a few jailhouse calls from my AD and it was a mistake. She made all kinds of demands and the acoustics were so bad I could barely hear anything anyway. Much later after she had detoxed and settled down, I did communicate with her via mail and then email. It was a lot cheaper and our communication was more civil.

Heck no....you're not bad. This is a consequence of his drug use. He has damaged the relationship and you are doing what you need to do for your own psychological and spiritual well being.

I truly believe that the motivations that drive us are what is really important. If you aren't taking his calls because you want to punish him.....those may not be pure motivations. If you aren't taking his calls because they cause you stress, anxiety, fear, guilt, etc. then your motivation is self preservation.......pretty good reason not to take his calls.....don't you think?

Keep taking care of you......

gentle hugs
ke

After taking many collect calls from my daughter after she has been arrested and consequently forced to come down from meth......I now have a new rule for myself.

I accept no calls for the first 30 days. She is welcome to write me a letter if she wants.
The jail provides 2 stamped envelopes and paper/pencil per week. (not sure about your area tho).

I also won't put money on the books for her to spew her toxic venom on someone else.
If they are unwise enough to accept her collect call...that's their biz.

I always breathed a huge sigh of relief that I knew where she was, that she was alive, her basic needs are being met....and now there is a forced detox with time for her to really THINK. I can't and won't get in the way of that by providing her a stage to perform on via the phone line. She can't help herself when she is in that nasty detox time frame and neither can your son.

You are NOT....repeat NOT a bad mother. You are actually a GREAT mom for allowing him to feel the full force of his actions.

My heart goes out to you. You and your son will be in my prayers.
Please know that jail will not kill him. It is the very best place for him to be right now.

TRUST the process mama.

tjp, I agree with what everyone has said here. You are definitely NOT a bad mom, you've just hit you saturation point with your son. You know what you are likely to hear from him at this point because you know what he's going through, and you know what he says and does when he's going through this. What do you think about maybe sending him a short note letting him know that you love him and are praying for him, but that given everything that's happened, you just can't talk to him right now? Might make you feel better while still giving you the distance that you need from your son.

There's an old saying...if the well runs dry, nobody drinks. You need time and space for your inner wellspring of life to renew and refresh itself. This doesn't make you a bad mother, this makes you human, and recognizing and respecting this for yourself makes you wise. No one benefits from you ignoring your own need for protection and peace. Guarding your sanity against the onslaught of an addict is crucial to your health, and it doesn't harm your son in any way for you to make sure your rights are respected. I think it makes you a role model.

You and your son are in my prayers. May you both be held close in God's loving arms.

Blessings.

He is not in recovery. His addict brain is controlling everything he says and does and feels and thinks.

When he calls you, he is drug-seeking.

You have nothing he wants right now, if you are not willing to be his enabler and supplier to feed the disease that controls him.

Leave him be. Pray someone behind bars is in AA.

God has a part in this. Step out of the way.

I hope you sleep well tonight. We have had a full moon and it exaggerates everything. Let it wane a bit. And turn everything over.

tjp....you will take his call when you are ready and not before. What this is saying is that you know how to protect yourself, maintain your boundires and love your son all at the same time.

You will know when the time is right to speak with him and you will act in a way that is right for you!

You are in such a wonderful healthy space right now!!! I hope you are appreciating that in yourself! Please......take a moment to appreciate that!!

Tjp, in order to have something to give to others, we first need to take care of ourselves. Our sons and daughters can drain us to the point where we have absolutely nothing left to give. You are doing the wise thing to do what is best for you at this stage and in the future.

Yeah,tjp.....you are a 'bad' Mom.

You need to be a 'GOOD' Mom.

Tomorrow,accept all his calls,then fill up his canteen FAST so he has
currency to trade-----in the short span before you can get there to
bail him out so he can rapidly get back to the business of killing himself
via 'the lifestyle'.

(death style)

===========satire mode off================

You are doing the hardest thing imaginable,tjp.
We are all in awe of your power.

The only good time to bet against the power of a Mother's love
is when you've got ALOT of money that you need to LOSE FAST!

I agree with the other posters. You are not a bad mom, infact, you may just be helping him to understand the consequences of his actions.

Thank you, everyone! You have been able to put into words what I am feeling, but was not able to articulate even for myself...so that helps me a lot.

KE, thanks for the check on my motivation. No, I am definitely NOT trying to punish him. This is 100% pure self-preservation and as PrayingMama said, I feel like I'm giving my inner wellspring time to renew. I just need a vacation from him. I know he doesn't see how very selfish he is being...I know that aside from the opportunity to manipulate me he just wants to hear his mother's voice and her soothing words. He wants to soften this place where he's found himself.

I wonder if he sees how very, very far he's fallen just in the last 6 months? Do you think they even see it?

I know my AS saw it. He hated life, hated himself, and had in his words become his "own worst nightmare." I am quite confident this was for real, and not manipulation. Broke my heart.

TJP, he will be able to see it now that he has a chance to sit with his thoughts instead of trying to manipulate you.

The way I see it, his calls are abusive. Scaring your mom half to death with threats of self-harm, whether it is the need to use or suicide, IS abuse and you are wise to say "enough and no more".

We don't need a front row seat to see and hear and listen to their addiction screaming at us. It's the worse seat in the house. "We" are not their solution. If he really wants help, even jail will assist him in finding it. If he doesn't, nothing you do or don't do will make a whit of difference.

Enjoy your day, wrap yourself in serenity and distract yourself from even thinking about him today. Maybe turn the ring off your phone too, or better yet, go for a nice walk in nature where you can't hear it if it rings.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

I am another mama who believes people endorse abusive, manipulative and immature behaviors when we listen to it.

No reason to feel guilty for setting reasonable boundaries.

It says that you tried it the other way before. There was a time where you would take that phone call and allow him to manipulate you, either through suicidal threats or other means. And after all you've done or tried to do for him, he still ends up in jail.

So, by not taking his calls, you're allowing two things to happen. You're allowing him to bear the responsibility of his choices. And you're protecting yourself.

No one ever said doing the right thing was supposed to feel good.

Best,
ZoSo

That sounds extremely healthy to me. I love what PrayingMama said "if the well runs dry, nobody drinks". Perfect. Let your well fill so that you can be strong and full. The motivation check is what I have to do with myself all the time.....not just with my son.....but all the time with everyone. It helps me stay on course and tells me (usually in hindsight unfortunately) when an amends is needed.

Take care of you today and do something to nurture your spirit and fill that well.

gentle hugs
ke