Realizing I had no control...
 

I have been in a relationship with a substance abuser and alcoholic now for 2 years on and off and its been one of the most amazing and hardest things I've personally been through. I grew up with both parents being substance abuser and alcoholics and it never seemed as bad as this. Last night me and my bf decided that enough was enough. That I could never understand that part of him and he could never understand where I stood. It was like a gapping hole in our relationship that always kept us from moving to the next step.

I spent so much time trying to convince him to stay and so much time shushing the voices that told me to leave. In the end we were always just putting off the inevitable.

I guess Im just writing here because I'm hurt and its hard. I know how this is going to be. I know I'm going to be laughing one minute and crying the next. The only thing that gives me comfort is that this will be good for him because now he has to be accountable. He can no longer hide by blaming me. And because I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason it helps me get through.

I read a lot of the articles in here about people married and with children and you know, those thoughts were always at the back of my mind. Can he raise a child. would he go on 2 day binges and leave us because he can't cope. So I may not be glad its ending but I know my future self would thank me. So thank you for sharing your stories and being a support group. Its so amazing that I have somewhere to come to when I'm at my weakest!

Nicolex0,
It sounds like you are on the right track, painful as it is right now.

Welcome to SR and yes, keep reading and posting here.

Even when I don't feel like posting, just reading of others' situations and then the caring advice that follows is such a balm to my soul. I love what you wrote about your future self. That is a great way to put the focus on your dreams, health and happiness. We are told "one day at a time," but I have to admit, I get a lot of strength imagining that my dreams, simple as they are, can be reached and actualized. Peace.

:You_Rock_

Indeed you sound like a wise lady. Take your lesson, tuck it somewhere to refresh your memory in days ahead, and let yourself be free of the chains of addiction. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it...but you can make a healthy choice to move forward with your life.

I know this is hard for you, but the pain of leaving pales by comparison to the pain of staying with an active addict.

Glad you joined us, welcome.

Hugs

What a beautiful and wise way to view this. And yes......your future self will thank you. There is something else waiting for you in the future and you have opened that door to allow it to happen. Our lives are composed of a series of choices and as difficult as those decisions might be, if we keep ourselves (in a healthy way of course) as the priority in these choices, it will be a smoother ride.

gentle hugs
ke

Thank you for that, I really appreciate it! Its nice to hear that im on the right track. :)

I wanted to share my story a little bit incase anyone else is going through similar stuff. I felt like reading other people's stories helped me know that Im not alone so maybe mine could do the same. Plus, it'd just be nice to write it down.

Being that I'm currently going through the breakup its a little bit harder to share the good times because i'm trying to forget, but we did have really great times. The hard part and the part that eventually broke us up was that he has a problem with drinking excessively and doing drugs and I never have. (I had addicted and alcoholic parents which actually made me more resentful towards it ) I really do love him for the person that he is and think he's a really cool dude. But i hated the fact that he drank his problems away and partied hard. Partially because sometimes he wouldn't talk to me while he was hammered or on drugs which caused trust issues but also because i hated how he grew up and the pain that he felt because of it. God, I wish I could have taken that pain away for him. But at the end of the day I wasn't helping him, just giving him an excuse to blame someone other then himself and to not hold himself accountable and I finally realized that I wasn't giving him the freedom to help himself because all I did was Nag, NO MATTER how many times I told myself and him that I would learn to let things go and ease up a little bit. It hurts so bad because There is NOTHING i can do. No amount of convincing or guilt tripping nagging or yelling would work. It just prolong the inevatible. I have NO control on whether he does them or not. And by being with him i realized that I didn't have a lot of influence either because we just fought and that just gave him an excuse to do the stuff. I hated the anxiety that came with wondering if he was going to disappear for a couple days. I hated having to search around for him at his friends house just to see if he was ok because I hadn't heard from him. I hated how for a couple weeks we would be doing great and I would be thinking about our future together then the next week I would be wondering if I can handle the way he would suddenly becomes so distant, for the rest of my life. (Although, i realize that I definatley was not perfect in the relationship either) I hated the wall that was always between us, that he couldn't be himself with me all the time because he felt like i didn't except him, which in a way i guess i didn't and that must have sucked for him.

This time around we had a mutual breakup, which was refreshing and nice. Because this time I agreed that we shouldn't be together. I think you finally almost hit rock bottom too. I realized that all this energy spent on him wasn't doing any of us good. I love him so much that it actually feels like i'm doing the right thing by letting him go. It meant letting go of this life that we had created for us. where we imagined ourselves in the next couple of years, the things we planned on doing together. I am so frustrated that he's addicted and i am so angry that this crap exist's and i'm always wondering what our life would be like together if it didn't exist. But reality is reality and even though it kills me that my best friend and ex-lover is going through this, i have to let it go. I think everything happens for a reason so i use that as my strength. also i try to concentrate on the negative because it's easier to let go of a human then a hero. I just don't want my life to be like this anymore.

So im currently using this "energy" to move my life along. I bought a puppy to help with the loneliness (although right now she's just really annoying) ive personally decided to move to another city to start fresh and pursue a career that will make me more happy and am just going to try and focus on that. Breakups in general suck. Breakups with an addict and a co-dependent a little more......



OH and i also just want to state for the record that I am in general a controlling person, only because i'm trying to help in one way or another. although clearly i'm going to have to work on it. i've acted very crazy in this relationship. Ive stalked and cried and pleaded for him not to leave and left him and came back and seen psychics and palm readers and well you name it. But i've decided to change and forgive myself and move on from "that" person...but this all is just MY self discovery so that i'm sure is another forum! ahah I just wanted people to know that if you've done crazy things...your definitely NOT alone!

Anyways, thanks again for the earlier comments its definitely nice to come on here and read them anytime i'm having second thoughts.

oh gawd that was longer then i thought...sorry :(