Bodily and Mental reaction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Bodily and Mental reaction
Hi everyone, I am really hurting in body and soul today and I think this is the delayed reaction to realizing JJ is alive but also realizing the pathetic condition he is in. He called me again today and asked if I would visit with him. He is coming down so I know a lot of the pain and communication is the drugs leaving his body. He told me he was stabbed in the wrist a week ago and that it is infected.
My codieness came to the surface, I am imagining this and cannot get this image out of my head:
He is a walking skeleton with abscesses and open sores all over his body. He has decayed teeth and yellowing skin.
I feel so sick to my stomach that my son is where he is. I know I know..
So I told him that giving him any money is not going to happen unless my husband agrees. Right now my husband is adamant that we dont give him any commisary or anything. I guess once I see JJ for myself next Wednesday night I can determine how malnourished and bad off he is.
Just letting out some of this anguish to my loving friends here at SR. I know God is at work with JJ and that the total darkness he was in is beginning to recede. Please all remind me that this is not my problem
My codieness came to the surface, I am imagining this and cannot get this image out of my head:
He is a walking skeleton with abscesses and open sores all over his body. He has decayed teeth and yellowing skin.
I feel so sick to my stomach that my son is where he is. I know I know..
So I told him that giving him any money is not going to happen unless my husband agrees. Right now my husband is adamant that we dont give him any commisary or anything. I guess once I see JJ for myself next Wednesday night I can determine how malnourished and bad off he is.
Just letting out some of this anguish to my loving friends here at SR. I know God is at work with JJ and that the total darkness he was in is beginning to recede. Please all remind me that this is not my problem
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am so sorry for your pain...I have been in a similar condition with my daughter in the recent past, worrying myself sick about her whereabouts and physical/emotional state. It is not your problem, but that doesn't change the grieving we parents go through in times like these. You are strong and wise. He knows you love him. Do something good for your body today or this weekend--a 2 hour massage? You probably already know this, but it will really help release a lot of the tension you've been holding for weeks now. Get your strength up before you go see him, if you choose to go. You will make the right decisions.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
My heart aches for you. Truly. It isn't humanly possible (or, I wouldn't want to be that human) who could no longer feel compassion for anyone in the situation JJ is in. And he is YOUR son.
Are you strong enough to visit him without crossing any of your boundaries? Remember, there are 24 steps from A to Z. In other words, your are catastrophizing what he may look like. Reframe it. It most likely would take a long time for him to look like you picture him.
I think if I were in your shoes, I would visit with a lot of prior prayer for my boundaries to hold. That does not mean you go to rescue. You go to maybe simply sit in love and peace with him. And listen without giving ANY suggestions?
May you walk in peace.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Are you strong enough to visit him without crossing any of your boundaries? Remember, there are 24 steps from A to Z. In other words, your are catastrophizing what he may look like. Reframe it. It most likely would take a long time for him to look like you picture him.
I think if I were in your shoes, I would visit with a lot of prior prayer for my boundaries to hold. That does not mean you go to rescue. You go to maybe simply sit in love and peace with him. And listen without giving ANY suggestions?
May you walk in peace.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
The Prisons in California give prisoners everything they need to survive, food, water , shelter and medical care. They also provide opportunities to learn new skills and for recovery, if that's what the prisoner wants. Prisoners are expected to work and are paid to do so. This money can be used in the commisary. For some, it's their first opportunity to provide for themselves. Consider giving him the gift of dignity towards taking responsibility for himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi OTL, he is in the county jail and they do have a work program at one of the smaller jails. The one he is at does not. They do however have counseling and medical staff on site.
They also do weekly substance abuse meetings and I hope he decides to do those things.
I do think we have a good jail system and he will be safe there.
They also do weekly substance abuse meetings and I hope he decides to do those things.
I do think we have a good jail system and he will be safe there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Peace, thank you! I do believe he needs the visibility of seeing me, and I will stick to my boundaries. He made this mess of his life and he has to realize what he has done and then he has to decide what he will do next.
I have until Wednesday to see him because we are booked solid through the weekend. I am not changing my family's plans to run there and see him immediately and I told him that.
I have until Wednesday to see him because we are booked solid through the weekend. I am not changing my family's plans to run there and see him immediately and I told him that.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Teresa - Honestly I don't know that I would have the strength to visit. It would be tremendously difficult -- probably the most difficult thing I've done to date. But then again, this is a chance to sit with him, look him in the eye and let him see how YOUR heart is breaking. It's a chance to tell him face to face that you love him. Who knows when you'll have the chance again?
When I think of something I must do that is "too hard" with regard to my AS, I think about mothers of children with other fatal diseases...and wonder how they muster the strength to do what they must as they powerlessly watch their child slowly die. Where do they draw their strength? Maybe they just put their fear up on a shelf, get up every morning and pull up their big girl panties and get on with the business at hand. They know that in time they will surely grieve and maybe even fall apart....but now is not the time.
I haven't a freaking clue most days....it feels like I'm wingin' it. I don't feel as strong and wise as many of the members here.
There are many sources for guidance, but in the end The Answers are in our hearts. That's where God lives.
When I think of something I must do that is "too hard" with regard to my AS, I think about mothers of children with other fatal diseases...and wonder how they muster the strength to do what they must as they powerlessly watch their child slowly die. Where do they draw their strength? Maybe they just put their fear up on a shelf, get up every morning and pull up their big girl panties and get on with the business at hand. They know that in time they will surely grieve and maybe even fall apart....but now is not the time.
I haven't a freaking clue most days....it feels like I'm wingin' it. I don't feel as strong and wise as many of the members here.
There are many sources for guidance, but in the end The Answers are in our hearts. That's where God lives.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I feel for you. My son only had to spend 9 days in jail. It's not something we as parents want to think about happening to our children--even when we realize it is for the best.
The thing my son complained about most was how cold it is in jail. Apparently the cold causes the inmates to be less aggressive. My son got sick with a bad cold right as he left jail.
We didn't put any money on his jail account, but we would have had he stayed longer.
Hang in there, be strong. We have to be gentle with ourselves during times like this. Don't let this time drive you to doing something that is harmful to yourself. My husband had given up smoking and picked it back up when our son went to jail.
The thing my son complained about most was how cold it is in jail. Apparently the cold causes the inmates to be less aggressive. My son got sick with a bad cold right as he left jail.
We didn't put any money on his jail account, but we would have had he stayed longer.
Hang in there, be strong. We have to be gentle with ourselves during times like this. Don't let this time drive you to doing something that is harmful to yourself. My husband had given up smoking and picked it back up when our son went to jail.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
TJP, My heart is so tender when it comes to this son. He gets under my skin so deep because he is such an amazing and gifted person when he is not on drugs. He threw away everything for the last 2 years. I ache and all of the pain for the last two years is sitting right on top of my heart right now.
I need to release this before I dare talk to him again or see him for sure.
I need to release this before I dare talk to him again or see him for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Ah, I know the tenderness that makes us so vulnerable. It's a good thing, though it is painful.
I have mentioned before on one of the threads about using the Bach Flower Remedies (first introduced to them more than 30 years ago by my British aunt, a pediatric nurse). We all use them from time to time--my RAS uses Walnut (for making/adapting to major life changes) right now, and my husband and younger boys also use them as needed. They're worth a look-see at Original Bach Flower Remedies® - www.BachFlower.com. Interesting to read about, if nothing else. When I am feeling the way I think you're feeling right now, I'd take a few drops of Rescue Remedy, lie down in a quiet room (if I could), and just ask God to please lift the burden for a while, to hold my son close for me because I need a break before I break.
Massages as suggested are also excellent. Nothing like soothing, therapeutic human touch when we're in need of some healing.
And cheesecake. Cheesecake is a culinary massage.
I think you're doing great, and I can't imagine a mama that wouldn't feel kind of shaky in your shoes.
Sending you blessings and praying you feel some peace.
I have mentioned before on one of the threads about using the Bach Flower Remedies (first introduced to them more than 30 years ago by my British aunt, a pediatric nurse). We all use them from time to time--my RAS uses Walnut (for making/adapting to major life changes) right now, and my husband and younger boys also use them as needed. They're worth a look-see at Original Bach Flower Remedies® - www.BachFlower.com. Interesting to read about, if nothing else. When I am feeling the way I think you're feeling right now, I'd take a few drops of Rescue Remedy, lie down in a quiet room (if I could), and just ask God to please lift the burden for a while, to hold my son close for me because I need a break before I break.
Massages as suggested are also excellent. Nothing like soothing, therapeutic human touch when we're in need of some healing.
And cheesecake. Cheesecake is a culinary massage.
I think you're doing great, and I can't imagine a mama that wouldn't feel kind of shaky in your shoes.
Sending you blessings and praying you feel some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you PM and TJP.
i have to admit, when we were NC it was so much easier because I didn't know what I didn't know. I believed he was alive but didn't know how his living conditions were. Now I know, and fear is overwhelming me since I love this son so so much I am now afraid to lose him again. I will find my faith again as soon as the cry is over.
i have to admit, when we were NC it was so much easier because I didn't know what I didn't know. I believed he was alive but didn't know how his living conditions were. Now I know, and fear is overwhelming me since I love this son so so much I am now afraid to lose him again. I will find my faith again as soon as the cry is over.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You will be okay, we mamas are all walking with you carrying our tissues and if you are going to jail, our Clorex wipes (sorry but you may need them, I did for the window we talked through).
It's okay to be sad for your son, just don't hang out in the sadness too long. Take a walk or read something distracting, sadness can really weigh us down.
Hugs
It's okay to be sad for your son, just don't hang out in the sadness too long. Take a walk or read something distracting, sadness can really weigh us down.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Ilovemysonjj)))
I know I am not one to give much in way of advice, but a few thoughts came to mind, and I wanted to send them along in a way of support.
First, remember that this may just be what he needs, as hard as it is to see. This is 'consequences', and he may just need this very experience badly. So be sure to let him reap the full benefits of it.
Second, hopefully he will see that no one is going to bail him out, and that this will be life if he does not change. He knows you love him, and there is nothing wrong with visiting and telling him so.
I would imagine that they will attend to his medical needs. The worse this feels for him, the better. I know this is hard , it would be breaking my heart as well. I really hope that he sees the light, and realizes that life will be horrible if nothing changes.
I am glad that he is alive, and in jail , and hopefully he will begin to feel better. Perhaps knowing that you believe in him, and that he can change, he will be encouraged. I will keep him in my prayers.
hugs
chicory
I know I am not one to give much in way of advice, but a few thoughts came to mind, and I wanted to send them along in a way of support.
First, remember that this may just be what he needs, as hard as it is to see. This is 'consequences', and he may just need this very experience badly. So be sure to let him reap the full benefits of it.
Second, hopefully he will see that no one is going to bail him out, and that this will be life if he does not change. He knows you love him, and there is nothing wrong with visiting and telling him so.
I would imagine that they will attend to his medical needs. The worse this feels for him, the better. I know this is hard , it would be breaking my heart as well. I really hope that he sees the light, and realizes that life will be horrible if nothing changes.
I am glad that he is alive, and in jail , and hopefully he will begin to feel better. Perhaps knowing that you believe in him, and that he can change, he will be encouraged. I will keep him in my prayers.
hugs
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Update: He is now in isolation/medical. I guess his withdrawals or other symptoms got him a private place. He was in isolation (not medical though) last time as well. He will survive. Thank you Chicory for those reinforements. You are correct, this is consequences and if he is telling the truth, he said he turned himself in so he was ready to face those consequences.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Teresa)) - when my dad saw me in jail, I was about 40 lbs less than I am now, arrogant and obnoxious, though there was some part of me that was grateful for the fact that he and sm came to see me.
I know this is hard. I went through it with my XABF, though I know that is nothing like it being your child.
I was given medical care, I was fed, and I slept on a really uncomfortable rubber-type 2-inch mattress and pillow. I was miserable, and that's exactly where I needed to be. It took me several jail stents, an almost 6-month time in a diversion center and the threat of prison (when I relapsed, dad was going to call my PO) to get me into recovery, to know..deep in my heart, I'd had enough.
Almost 5-1/2 years later, I'm still struggling, my dad still worries about me (not going back to drugs, just what my future holds) but we are also very supportive of each other. It took time, and a lot of it, but I'm grateful.
I often have to do an "assessment" on job applications. It never fails, the question of "do you have any regrets" comes up. Honestly? I don't. I think that everything I went through was what I needed to be the person I am today. Pretty sure that sends of a red flag on the assements, but it's true.
My family gave me the dignity of letting me fall on my face and try to find my way back up. I will forever be grateful to them for this.
((You and JJ)) are always in my prayers, as are many others here. I truly believe it's a good thing when we have to face our consequences, whether we are A's or codies (or both, like me).
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know this is hard. I went through it with my XABF, though I know that is nothing like it being your child.
I was given medical care, I was fed, and I slept on a really uncomfortable rubber-type 2-inch mattress and pillow. I was miserable, and that's exactly where I needed to be. It took me several jail stents, an almost 6-month time in a diversion center and the threat of prison (when I relapsed, dad was going to call my PO) to get me into recovery, to know..deep in my heart, I'd had enough.
Almost 5-1/2 years later, I'm still struggling, my dad still worries about me (not going back to drugs, just what my future holds) but we are also very supportive of each other. It took time, and a lot of it, but I'm grateful.
I often have to do an "assessment" on job applications. It never fails, the question of "do you have any regrets" comes up. Honestly? I don't. I think that everything I went through was what I needed to be the person I am today. Pretty sure that sends of a red flag on the assements, but it's true.
My family gave me the dignity of letting me fall on my face and try to find my way back up. I will forever be grateful to them for this.
((You and JJ)) are always in my prayers, as are many others here. I truly believe it's a good thing when we have to face our consequences, whether we are A's or codies (or both, like me).
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Teresa
I'm so sorry to be so late to chime in my support. I understand how heavy your heart feels right now. JJ is safe for now. Breathe.....and take extra good care of yourself.
I always brace myself when I know I'm going to see my son. I'm always prepared for the worst. But often he looks better than I thought he would. JJ is being taken care of right now. He's ok for right now.
Let's take a walk. The moon is amazing tonight. And the air smells so good......someone just cut their grass and it has that wonderful smell. The air is comfortable.....not too hot....not too cool....it's just right. It's a perfect evening for a walk.....listen.....crickets. We'll talk as we walk......and know that we understand each other.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm so sorry to be so late to chime in my support. I understand how heavy your heart feels right now. JJ is safe for now. Breathe.....and take extra good care of yourself.
I always brace myself when I know I'm going to see my son. I'm always prepared for the worst. But often he looks better than I thought he would. JJ is being taken care of right now. He's ok for right now.
Let's take a walk. The moon is amazing tonight. And the air smells so good......someone just cut their grass and it has that wonderful smell. The air is comfortable.....not too hot....not too cool....it's just right. It's a perfect evening for a walk.....listen.....crickets. We'll talk as we walk......and know that we understand each other.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Kindeyes and Ilovemyson.......
I passed the two of you walking this evening and recognized a peace and acceptance in your conversation and interaction that provided me with sense of belonging and tranquility.
You are both dear to me and powerful in your acceptance of life and meeting it on its terms.
I passed the two of you walking this evening and recognized a peace and acceptance in your conversation and interaction that provided me with sense of belonging and tranquility.
You are both dear to me and powerful in your acceptance of life and meeting it on its terms.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
He is safe tonight. Miserable and in pain and emotional distress...but he is safe tonight. All of the things you're worrying over were true last week when he was on the street- and in a lot more danger than he is now.
You're just feeling the results of all the pain and stress you've been under for months...its normal, and okay to feel that way...nut just remeber than right now- just for today - he's safe.
You and JJ are in my prayers daily.
You're just feeling the results of all the pain and stress you've been under for months...its normal, and okay to feel that way...nut just remeber than right now- just for today - he's safe.
You and JJ are in my prayers daily.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
kmangel wrote....
>>>>The thing my son complained about most was how cold it is in jail. Apparently the cold
causes the inmates to be less aggressive. My son got sick with a bad cold right as he left jail.<<<<
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I imagine some of that has to do with the drastically reduced body fat experienced
by many in deep addiction.The lady I helped dropped 70lbs in a year---and she was fairly
thin when she started.
There seems to be a loud subset of current political thought to the effect that we
should run our corrections as borderline torture.But as obnoxious as these blowhards can
be---I assure you their bluster is stopped dead in it's tracks by people of common decency.
AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
Should we make it Club Med? No (and I don't think that we do).It has to be a nasty
experience so that they do not want to return to it.
But the line will always be drawn---this far and no farther.Do anything that is
counter to their safety,well being,or human decency>>>>>
[[[[[[[[ AND WE WILL MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF YOU ]]]]]]]]
(you get to join them,as the law has a special vengeance
for those who abuse human dignity under color of authority.)
I pray your JJ is doing as well as he can.He has made
mistakes and is suffering the consequences.But he is a human
being (as well as your son).Should anyone in the chain of command
that he is currently subordinated to forget that---there will be DIRE
consequences.....putting all (including senior city/county
executive leadership) in serious professional jeopardy.
>>>>The thing my son complained about most was how cold it is in jail. Apparently the cold
causes the inmates to be less aggressive. My son got sick with a bad cold right as he left jail.<<<<
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I imagine some of that has to do with the drastically reduced body fat experienced
by many in deep addiction.The lady I helped dropped 70lbs in a year---and she was fairly
thin when she started.
There seems to be a loud subset of current political thought to the effect that we
should run our corrections as borderline torture.But as obnoxious as these blowhards can
be---I assure you their bluster is stopped dead in it's tracks by people of common decency.
AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
Should we make it Club Med? No (and I don't think that we do).It has to be a nasty
experience so that they do not want to return to it.
But the line will always be drawn---this far and no farther.Do anything that is
counter to their safety,well being,or human decency>>>>>
[[[[[[[[ AND WE WILL MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF YOU ]]]]]]]]
(you get to join them,as the law has a special vengeance
for those who abuse human dignity under color of authority.)
I pray your JJ is doing as well as he can.He has made
mistakes and is suffering the consequences.But he is a human
being (as well as your son).Should anyone in the chain of command
that he is currently subordinated to forget that---there will be DIRE
consequences.....putting all (including senior city/county
executive leadership) in serious professional jeopardy.
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