So Lonely...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
So Lonely...
I have moved from Boston to my new apartment.
My family and friends and everything I know is in Boston.
I am 100 miles away from that.
My EXABF was really the only person to visit me and keep in daily touch with me while I was here. After a long hard day of Graduate classes and work I had him to look forward to talk too...I had weekends with him to work toward...now I feel like I have nothing.
We've been NC for about a week. He's been in jail about a month. Last time he called he called me a cold hearted B**** because I told him it didn't really make a difference if he got 6 months or 6 years because we are over.
He says he understands we are over but saying I don't care at all is harsh. To remember the good times, all he did for me, how he took care of me and loved me and was a good person I told him he isn't that person anymore, not since he started using and that I don't know who he is when he uses drugs.
I told him we need to go NC and he told me he doesn't think he can. That he needs me. That he understands I can't be his girl but he'd like me to be his friend I said IDK if I can even give him that...
We've been going NC but it's so hard. I am so lonely and every time he calls I want to answer so bad so I can feel less alone for 20 minutes so I can talk to someone who I feel gets me and I can share anything with...I just feel so alone and it hurt so bad and I wonder if talking to him would help.
Being here is so hard. I don't have ANYONE. I don't know how to meet anyone... people on my academic program are all older and married my roommates are all foreign and from the same country...my best friend is in jail and my closest friends/only friends are in Boston...
Not sure what do do here. I can feel myself giving into NC and wanting to answer his calls when he calls me. I know it's stupid but I just want to feel concocted to someone. He kept everything at bay. My anorexia, my depression, my alcoholism and I wonder if talking to him would help me get a grasp on life. To stop those things from occurring again...they destroy my life. I don/t want that but I don't know how to stop them on my own.
Can you blame me for that ? I am just so tired of being alone.
My family and friends and everything I know is in Boston.
I am 100 miles away from that.
My EXABF was really the only person to visit me and keep in daily touch with me while I was here. After a long hard day of Graduate classes and work I had him to look forward to talk too...I had weekends with him to work toward...now I feel like I have nothing.
We've been NC for about a week. He's been in jail about a month. Last time he called he called me a cold hearted B**** because I told him it didn't really make a difference if he got 6 months or 6 years because we are over.
He says he understands we are over but saying I don't care at all is harsh. To remember the good times, all he did for me, how he took care of me and loved me and was a good person I told him he isn't that person anymore, not since he started using and that I don't know who he is when he uses drugs.
I told him we need to go NC and he told me he doesn't think he can. That he needs me. That he understands I can't be his girl but he'd like me to be his friend I said IDK if I can even give him that...
We've been going NC but it's so hard. I am so lonely and every time he calls I want to answer so bad so I can feel less alone for 20 minutes so I can talk to someone who I feel gets me and I can share anything with...I just feel so alone and it hurt so bad and I wonder if talking to him would help.
Being here is so hard. I don't have ANYONE. I don't know how to meet anyone... people on my academic program are all older and married my roommates are all foreign and from the same country...my best friend is in jail and my closest friends/only friends are in Boston...
Not sure what do do here. I can feel myself giving into NC and wanting to answer his calls when he calls me. I know it's stupid but I just want to feel concocted to someone. He kept everything at bay. My anorexia, my depression, my alcoholism and I wonder if talking to him would help me get a grasp on life. To stop those things from occurring again...they destroy my life. I don/t want that but I don't know how to stop them on my own.
Can you blame me for that ? I am just so tired of being alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
Maybe you should join an al anon group. I'm sure you could make friends who are similar to you and maybe you can learn patterns to avoid so that in the future you can have a healthy relationship with a healthier individual. You need to find things to fill your time, maybe join a gym and invite people to come with-as you meet people.. when you are at al anon-get phone numbers, invite people to coffee (it seems hard-but believe me it's easier to do it).. If I can do it, you can do it... Set your mind to your goals and go after it...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am just so tired of being alone.
some folks that are going through what you are going through and are also trying
to have a life with the A that so messed up their lives.
It will be some 'help' for you and you'll probably make some new friends. Also
get some phone numbers so that you can call when you are feeling like you are
now.
Remember the folks you meet at those meetings will be just like here, they have
either gone through or are going through what you are now.
Just a suggestion .............................
Love and hugs,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,849
Sounds like it's time for you to meet some new people. You don't have to sit around your apartment being lonely. The only one who can change your circumstances is YOU. So, figure out what you need to do in order to meet some quality people. Al-anon is a start. Take it from there and make your life what you want it to be. Only you can do that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is in jail, he is not there, so I am not understaning, he fills your lonely feelings by talking to you on the phone at your expense?
Throw yourself into some deep therapy to get to the source of your issues, until you do you will always be looking for someone else to fill the void that sits in the depth of your soul.
Another cannot fill that void, your happiness and peace is rooted within youself, it does not come from another.
Throw yourself into some deep therapy to get to the source of your issues, until you do you will always be looking for someone else to fill the void that sits in the depth of your soul.
Another cannot fill that void, your happiness and peace is rooted within youself, it does not come from another.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
God has cleared away all the distractions. Maybe there is a reason for this solitude. Maybe it is meant to heal you in some way.
Do you go to meetings or therapy for codependency and addictions? It will not make sense at all if you work on recovery and then try to escape aloneness by having unrealistic conversations with someone who has a sick brain right now.
What I did when I was all alone in a city for a year and had no friends or family there (and worked from home, so I didn't even have a lunchroom crowd): I found a perfect coffee shop and I bought and borrowed a thick stack of recovery books, therapy books, spiritual books, and I read, for a year. I also went to a meeting somewhere nearly every day. (I had ended a relationship with an addict. I really needed to do some inner work).
But I did have two dogs. And they made an enormous difference in the aloneness. I am wondering: could you perhaps get a kitty? They don't mind being alone while you're away and they are quiet and lovely to sit with. Maybe even two.
You really will be okay. But first you need to smudge your life, and that would be clearing it of needy, self-centered, addicted people who want to use you.
I hope things get better for you really soon. I actually will always treasure all those nights I spent in that coffee shop.
Do you go to meetings or therapy for codependency and addictions? It will not make sense at all if you work on recovery and then try to escape aloneness by having unrealistic conversations with someone who has a sick brain right now.
What I did when I was all alone in a city for a year and had no friends or family there (and worked from home, so I didn't even have a lunchroom crowd): I found a perfect coffee shop and I bought and borrowed a thick stack of recovery books, therapy books, spiritual books, and I read, for a year. I also went to a meeting somewhere nearly every day. (I had ended a relationship with an addict. I really needed to do some inner work).
But I did have two dogs. And they made an enormous difference in the aloneness. I am wondering: could you perhaps get a kitty? They don't mind being alone while you're away and they are quiet and lovely to sit with. Maybe even two.
You really will be okay. But first you need to smudge your life, and that would be clearing it of needy, self-centered, addicted people who want to use you.
I hope things get better for you really soon. I actually will always treasure all those nights I spent in that coffee shop.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I want to say this with respect and care for you...I admire how hard you have worked to try to see more clearly where you are at, and I admire your honesty in posting here.
Do remember that as codependents we are "addicted" to the addict...and you are getting really strong urges/cravings. Loneliness may be natural in your situation...away at school and having gone through a break up, of course, it is only human to feel a little lonely.
However, as a good codie, alcoholic, etc (takes one to know one...I'm a double winner too) we can take our loneliness and wallow in it, and turn it into self pity...and then into an excuse to "use".
Whatever you decide in the coming days and as you move forward into your future remember the both/and mentality rather than either/or. It's not that you either contact him or you are lonely. You get to decide whether or not you want to maintain contact with an addict in jail. But you also get to start taking measures of self care/self love...which means finding little ways, taking small steps to find connection with other human beings. We are all vulnerable, we all have our imperfections. It is time for you to start making a new effort in your world to find friends. Your ex is not available...if you want to use your addict to fill the hole...you can do that. But I think you will begin to understand that you want more connection than that in your life.
Think both/and. If you can't resist the urge to use, and your loneliness is an excuse to use...then go ahead and "use" him. Not very healthy...but you will figure that out eventually. AND at the same time start making your efforts to find new acquaintances, fellow students, and friends!!!
Do remember that as codependents we are "addicted" to the addict...and you are getting really strong urges/cravings. Loneliness may be natural in your situation...away at school and having gone through a break up, of course, it is only human to feel a little lonely.
However, as a good codie, alcoholic, etc (takes one to know one...I'm a double winner too) we can take our loneliness and wallow in it, and turn it into self pity...and then into an excuse to "use".
Whatever you decide in the coming days and as you move forward into your future remember the both/and mentality rather than either/or. It's not that you either contact him or you are lonely. You get to decide whether or not you want to maintain contact with an addict in jail. But you also get to start taking measures of self care/self love...which means finding little ways, taking small steps to find connection with other human beings. We are all vulnerable, we all have our imperfections. It is time for you to start making a new effort in your world to find friends. Your ex is not available...if you want to use your addict to fill the hole...you can do that. But I think you will begin to understand that you want more connection than that in your life.
Think both/and. If you can't resist the urge to use, and your loneliness is an excuse to use...then go ahead and "use" him. Not very healthy...but you will figure that out eventually. AND at the same time start making your efforts to find new acquaintances, fellow students, and friends!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Instead of pining away for this imaginary relationship, that you know was a farce, realize that you have an opportunity to become strong and smart.
You are thinking you had a connection with this guy who took your money and self-esteem? Oh yes, and you paid for it. Both emotionally and financially.
Go to student health, find a therapist to talk to.
This backsliding and romantising is not going to help you move forward.
You are thinking you had a connection with this guy who took your money and self-esteem? Oh yes, and you paid for it. Both emotionally and financially.
Go to student health, find a therapist to talk to.
This backsliding and romantising is not going to help you move forward.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 18
Fenway, those illnesses you suffer are a whole lot to deal with. And I suffer from a severe mood disorder/major depressive disorder, along with a few other issues. However since I was 13 I've done counseling and medical management with medications. I've dabbled in the drug route but was fortunate enough to see it was making my life worse and quit. I drink once every few months with my buddies but thats it.
But I've spent over 10years analyzing myself with professional assistance, to really piece together why I have always felt the need to fill that void within that essentially drove me to find men to fill it. I always thought if someone could just love me the right way, then it would solve everything! But its not the case.
The void I feel is from a lack of a caring/supporting family. The hole will always be there and no one else can fill that void except my own love and self-appreciation. When I get really negative there can be temporary relief in reaching out to a friend or partner. But once they go home, or once that relationship is over, I go back to square one. Or I used too.
The best thing I ever did was find a therapist who taught me the tools to analyze my emotions and follow them back to the beginning. Like a skein of yarn, thats become completely unraveled. Essentially thats what life becomes for anyone whose life has been blasted apart by an addict, or even just a bad/unhealthy relationship, and many other reasons. Grab an end and just follow it back and see why do you NEED that person or thing to make it better? After awhile of trailing back, I found that it was that I wanted someone besides myself to acknowledge me, validate my life, my choices. And like a child I wanted someone to guide me through lifes challenges.
I always tell my friends, I was born alone, and I'm going to die that way. Although it would be fantastic to share my life with another, I can live life without them. I still thoroughly believe that there is someone special out there that I will connect with but in the mean time, I can focus on that void within and make it smaller. I don't know that it will ever disappear, but it can be managed and you don't have to feel like its out of control.
When I get super down, I begin a daily Small Victories update. I do mine on facebook because I'm very outspoken about my life and my struggles. But you can try it in a notebook, journal, diary, etc. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
Begin with your starting point. THe pros and cons of your current life. An honest evaluation of your view on your life. Try to be objective. Then set a goal of where you'd like to be in say a year? Whatever you feel comfortable with time wise. Again, be realistic. Everyday do one thing that helps you towards that goal.
For instance, my depression gets the to point where I don't even want to shower some days. So it can be bad. But my goal is to have a day where I'm at peace with my current life. (Change what you can, and accept what you can't:: I can't change that I have a mental illness, but I can make my life more enjoyable then miserable) Lately, my daily small victories have been things such as just doing my own nails. Why? Because it makes me feel more beautiful. But instead of using a color which will be high maintenance I use clear since I know tomorrow could be a bad day and having chipped gross looking nails will make me feel worse. So using clear, I wont notice that they are growing out and it doesn't seem to chip. Another small victory, I made all the beds in the house. Or I did a load of laundry. Or I vacuumed one floor of the house. Or I danced silly for an hour. Hell, today my small victory was HUGE! I called it a war, in which I won. I bathed all 3 of my cats in less then an hour with only 2 minor wounds. haha.
All this will help you focus less on him, and more on you. But you need to tweak it to fit your needs. Maybe your small victory could be trying a meeting. Maybe you won't share, or you will? Point is, you'll have done something to make tomorrow different from today. And who knows, maybe you'll meet someone there you can talk to another day when your feeling down.
At this point I'm rambling, and I apologize. Its super late and I just got done with work. Maybe I'll come back and revise this post later, but please remember you are never truly alone. Its that stupid void inside you that wants to suck away all the happiness you deserve to have, and it will grasp at anything or anyone that will temporarily ease the pain. Just remember, giving in, and talking to him, won't make your tomorrows better. Find something for a long term solution. Even if its just the tools to work on it.
But I've spent over 10years analyzing myself with professional assistance, to really piece together why I have always felt the need to fill that void within that essentially drove me to find men to fill it. I always thought if someone could just love me the right way, then it would solve everything! But its not the case.
The void I feel is from a lack of a caring/supporting family. The hole will always be there and no one else can fill that void except my own love and self-appreciation. When I get really negative there can be temporary relief in reaching out to a friend or partner. But once they go home, or once that relationship is over, I go back to square one. Or I used too.
The best thing I ever did was find a therapist who taught me the tools to analyze my emotions and follow them back to the beginning. Like a skein of yarn, thats become completely unraveled. Essentially thats what life becomes for anyone whose life has been blasted apart by an addict, or even just a bad/unhealthy relationship, and many other reasons. Grab an end and just follow it back and see why do you NEED that person or thing to make it better? After awhile of trailing back, I found that it was that I wanted someone besides myself to acknowledge me, validate my life, my choices. And like a child I wanted someone to guide me through lifes challenges.
I always tell my friends, I was born alone, and I'm going to die that way. Although it would be fantastic to share my life with another, I can live life without them. I still thoroughly believe that there is someone special out there that I will connect with but in the mean time, I can focus on that void within and make it smaller. I don't know that it will ever disappear, but it can be managed and you don't have to feel like its out of control.
When I get super down, I begin a daily Small Victories update. I do mine on facebook because I'm very outspoken about my life and my struggles. But you can try it in a notebook, journal, diary, etc. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
Begin with your starting point. THe pros and cons of your current life. An honest evaluation of your view on your life. Try to be objective. Then set a goal of where you'd like to be in say a year? Whatever you feel comfortable with time wise. Again, be realistic. Everyday do one thing that helps you towards that goal.
For instance, my depression gets the to point where I don't even want to shower some days. So it can be bad. But my goal is to have a day where I'm at peace with my current life. (Change what you can, and accept what you can't:: I can't change that I have a mental illness, but I can make my life more enjoyable then miserable) Lately, my daily small victories have been things such as just doing my own nails. Why? Because it makes me feel more beautiful. But instead of using a color which will be high maintenance I use clear since I know tomorrow could be a bad day and having chipped gross looking nails will make me feel worse. So using clear, I wont notice that they are growing out and it doesn't seem to chip. Another small victory, I made all the beds in the house. Or I did a load of laundry. Or I vacuumed one floor of the house. Or I danced silly for an hour. Hell, today my small victory was HUGE! I called it a war, in which I won. I bathed all 3 of my cats in less then an hour with only 2 minor wounds. haha.
All this will help you focus less on him, and more on you. But you need to tweak it to fit your needs. Maybe your small victory could be trying a meeting. Maybe you won't share, or you will? Point is, you'll have done something to make tomorrow different from today. And who knows, maybe you'll meet someone there you can talk to another day when your feeling down.
At this point I'm rambling, and I apologize. Its super late and I just got done with work. Maybe I'll come back and revise this post later, but please remember you are never truly alone. Its that stupid void inside you that wants to suck away all the happiness you deserve to have, and it will grasp at anything or anyone that will temporarily ease the pain. Just remember, giving in, and talking to him, won't make your tomorrows better. Find something for a long term solution. Even if its just the tools to work on it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
foresakenforgive wrote...
>>>>At this point I'm rambling, and I apologize<<<<<<
......OK,if you call one of the most touching pieces I have ever read on SR 'rambling'.
FF appreciates it I am sure....and so do all the rest of us.....
Thank You!
>>>>At this point I'm rambling, and I apologize<<<<<<
......OK,if you call one of the most touching pieces I have ever read on SR 'rambling'.
FF appreciates it I am sure....and so do all the rest of us.....
Thank You!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You have the power to end all contact with this guy and not risk ongoing temptation to take his calls, any time you want to do so. Take a giant step towards treating yourself better and becoming your own best friend and and change your #.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi Fenway,
I have to say "I hear your disease talking". I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid...just that feelings aren't facts.
You say that you suffer from depression, anorexia, and alcoholism. All of those thrive in isolation...and they also make excuses and rationales for why you are isolated. Meetings are the fastest way that I know to get "out there" again. Especially if you go to some meetings and ask for numbers and support....let people know that you are struggling. Especially at AA meetings I seen a huge outpouring of support when people let them know that they are struggling.
I've been alone a lot over the last 15 months and have virtually had to reconstruct my life. It really is lonely but I've realized that some of the loneliness has been time that I've needed to heal and rebuild....reach for a healthier way of being in the world. The things that have helped me the most were to go to more meetings, join a grief support group, start taking guitar lessons, I've started a doctorate program, and I have a new kayak (with plans to join meet up groups to paddle). I'm figuring out new things that I like to do. I've gone to painting classes, walks in the park, volunteered. There are other people out there as lonely as you are and will be thrilled to get to know you. In a support group that I was in last winter I met 2 other women in my same boat....we now get together every weekend for a dinner out - or just SOMETHING. They've been a life line for me.
This takes time but you have to be willing to take some of the initial steps.....this is all really fresh and you might still be going through "withdrawal". Be kind to yourself and just recognize these longings for what they are. All of this is a "we" program...not a "me" program....whether it is AA, Alanon, or Naranon.
Thinking about you -
I have to say "I hear your disease talking". I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid...just that feelings aren't facts.
You say that you suffer from depression, anorexia, and alcoholism. All of those thrive in isolation...and they also make excuses and rationales for why you are isolated. Meetings are the fastest way that I know to get "out there" again. Especially if you go to some meetings and ask for numbers and support....let people know that you are struggling. Especially at AA meetings I seen a huge outpouring of support when people let them know that they are struggling.
I've been alone a lot over the last 15 months and have virtually had to reconstruct my life. It really is lonely but I've realized that some of the loneliness has been time that I've needed to heal and rebuild....reach for a healthier way of being in the world. The things that have helped me the most were to go to more meetings, join a grief support group, start taking guitar lessons, I've started a doctorate program, and I have a new kayak (with plans to join meet up groups to paddle). I'm figuring out new things that I like to do. I've gone to painting classes, walks in the park, volunteered. There are other people out there as lonely as you are and will be thrilled to get to know you. In a support group that I was in last winter I met 2 other women in my same boat....we now get together every weekend for a dinner out - or just SOMETHING. They've been a life line for me.
This takes time but you have to be willing to take some of the initial steps.....this is all really fresh and you might still be going through "withdrawal". Be kind to yourself and just recognize these longings for what they are. All of this is a "we" program...not a "me" program....whether it is AA, Alanon, or Naranon.
Thinking about you -
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by forsakenforgive 
For instance, my depression gets the to point where I don't even want to shower some days. So it can be bad. But my goal is to have a day where I'm at peace with my current life. (Change what you can, and accept what you can't:: I can't change that I have a mental illness, but I can make my life more enjoyable then miserable) Lately, my daily small victories have been things such as just doing my own nails. Why? Because it makes me feel more beautiful. But instead of using a color which will be high maintenance I use clear since I know tomorrow could be a bad day and having chipped gross looking nails will make me feel worse. So using clear, I wont notice that they are growing out and it doesn't seem to chip. Another small victory, I made all the beds in the house. Or I did a load of laundry. Or I vacuumed one floor of the house. Or I danced silly for an hour. Hell, today my small victory was HUGE! I called it a war, in which I won. I bathed all 3 of my cats in less then an hour with only 2 minor wounds. haha.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Beautiful post, forsaken. I remember those "Small Victories" days, times I struggled with depression, when I would remember to treat myself gently. There is deep wisdom in having the grace to take ourselves by the hand and step by baby step lead ourselves back onto the path and into the light. It's pretty much the only way such things get done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Just want to thank everyone for your replies.
Being able to post here and got honest answers from people who understand means more to me then any of you know.
To be honest I'm not in the emotional, mental, physical state to respond...I'm too depressed/tired etc today but I will be back soon to give a real reply.
Thank you all so much. The fact that you all care enough to take the time to reply really touches me and the fact that there are people out there who understand makes it just a little easier to deal with this pain.
IDK where I'd be without all of you!
First AL Anon meeting is Monday, therapy is Wednesday. Wish me luck! Be back later to reply more specifically and legitimately
Being able to post here and got honest answers from people who understand means more to me then any of you know.
To be honest I'm not in the emotional, mental, physical state to respond...I'm too depressed/tired etc today but I will be back soon to give a real reply.
Thank you all so much. The fact that you all care enough to take the time to reply really touches me and the fact that there are people out there who understand makes it just a little easier to deal with this pain.
IDK where I'd be without all of you!
First AL Anon meeting is Monday, therapy is Wednesday. Wish me luck! Be back later to reply more specifically and legitimately
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