Newimage

Haven't been on in a couple of months.........my 23 year old daughter (addicted to roxys) has been in jail (this time) since April.

She has 5 cases pending now- credit card fraud (against her own father); trafficking in stolen goods; drug paraphernalia....and her boyfriend who is also in jail has just been charged with burglary while armed. There is a chance that she will get charged with the same.

I have basically enjoyed the last 5 months of her incarceration because I knew where she was, have been able to see her, and am receiving phone calls from her. Prior to her arrest, I hadn't really had a relationship with her for 3 years.

The phone calls are discouraging. They are still all about her- that she needs shampoo, that the public defender's office isn't returning her calls, that her boyfriend isn't writing her often enough, that I'm not writing her often enough. She feels I ought to be able to provide her with at least 2 -3 letters per week, updating her on local and global news, sending her song lyrics and poetry.

She also wrote me that she would like to resolve our "issues". Our isssues stem from the manner in which we became estranged, which she sees as me "turning her out" of the house about 4 years ago. My perception of that time is that she, while living with me, refused to follow the few house rules I had, and that I blew my top and told her if she didn't want to follow the rules, she was out, after which she left. She feels that my actions forced her into deeper addiction. She is blaming me.

There are a lot of issues, but my problem at this point is that I don't know what to say to her. I feel as though this time while she's in jail should be an opportunity of sorts, but most of the time I don't even want to talk to her. She is focused on getting out and apparently picking up where she left off (??) She has written her BF about getting out and becoming a "hobo", riding the rails and traveling about the country. She seems to have no remorse about anything and gets aggravated when it's discussed. The other day I mentioned that it would be nice to hear "I'm sorry" about everything that's happened, and she had no clue why I would expect her to apologize to me.

Should I write and explain how all of this has affected the whole family and me in particular? Should I bother to tell her my side of any of this? She has nowhere to go when she gets out, whenever that will be. I feel she needs to get into rehab and counseling and her father has kept her on his insurance towards that end. Should I just stop talking to her altogether? She seems to be so out of touch with reality I think she may be dealing with a personality disorder to begin with.

suki44883

Telling her your feelings and how her addiciton has affected you or others in the family is useless. She will just disagree that she has done anything wrong...its all your fault that the two of you are estranged, etc. Until she realizes her own decisions have placed her where she is, there is really nothing you can say that will resolve any issues between the two of you.

Save your breath. It will all fall on deaf ears.

outtolunch

Is chronic immaturity a personality disorder?

Prison will give her tremendeous opportunities to turn her own adult life around, if she's highly motivated to do so. If she remains concerned about unconditioned hair, it's likely she will be stuck on the rince/repeat cycle.

There's nothing you can say or do that is going to cause her to change. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

If inclined to put $ on her account, your money will do more good, if it's given to the Salvation Army.

Freedom1990

Your daughter sounds like my oldest daughter...self-centered and immature.

I can't remember how many times mine has been incarcerated. There will be more incarcerations no doubt unless she overdoses, or burns down whatever place she is living at because she abuses narcotics and will fall asleep with a lit cigarette in her hand.

Her last two incarcerations I did not communicate with her or visit her. I am done.

She's an adult who has had numerous opportunities to improve her life, but chooses the opposite path,

I give her the dignity to live her life as she sees fit, regardless of how dysfunctional, dangerous, or illegal it is.

Sending you hugs of support!

tjp613

I would examine my heart and decide what I want the relationship to look like now and in the future. (I am in a similar position with my son right now, so I can relate.) How detached am I able to be? How is MY serenity best maintained...with some contact? ..with no contact?... with contact only if/when he is sober? These are questions I am asking myself now. What I hear you saying is that you will probably be wanting very little (or no) contact with her when she gets out because you expect the same ol' mayhem and self-centered drama. I can see how writing a letter to explain your feelings and what YOU will need in the future can be beneficial for both of you...it sets out your boundaries in writing and anytime she doesn't understand your logic, you can remind her its all right there in the letter.

So, I guess that the work you might want to focus on right now is to define those boundaries that you will be able to stick to ....and know that it is perfectly OK for you to move forward with the rest of your own life to pursue your OWN happiness. You stay in your hula hoop and she can stay in hers.

Easier said than done, I know. ((((Hugs))))

Newimage

I posted in August about my incarcerated daughter. She is still in jail but may be released in a month or so.

She has made no effort to resolve our own issues, is neither apologetic or is even bothering to lie about staying clean when she gets out. She doesn't say she won't, but she doesn't say she will. There is no begging, no promises......nothing really but everyday chitchat, with the occasional comment thrown in about how she could help with my dogs or she wonders if her boyfriend still has her clothes.

I have never told her she can come here when she gets out, but I think she assumes it because we are speaking.

If she were to be allowed to come here, I would lose every last shred of respect from the 17 year old daughter. She (AD) lived here for a week after I bailed her out of jail almost a year ago and didn't go 24 hours without breaking my rules. She pawned my jewelry, tossed her used syringes in the bushes. She got upset about something and came to my job and banged on the locked door and screamed and when I didn't come out kicked a dent in the fender of my car.

She has told me that she agrees things need to change but she's also told me that she's not going to spend 6 months in a residential rehab after being in jail for 8 months. She wants her stuff and a car and a job. She wants to get back to her life.

Obviously she cannot come here, but I still feel the guilt. They will let her out of the county jail on a winter day after 8 months and she will not have a dime, a phone, a ride, or a coat or anywhere to go. She will get one phone call in holding and no doubt she will call me. Most of her stuff is stashed in my garage and she will expect to come here and get it and I know she expects to live here. She will argue that she's been in jail for 8 months and of course she is clean. She will argue that she is not on drugs and how can she get on her feet if I won't give her a chance.

Although my options seem perfectly clear, I am feeling conflicted about what to do. Help!!

dollydo

Assign your priorities, why should the innocent 17 year old be subjected to your out of control older daughter? Is that really fair?

I would tell her straight out that she will not be returning to your home. If she wants a good life, she will have to build it. Giving her a soft place to land is not the answer, it will be become, yet again, part of the problem. She is sober because she does not have access to her DOC, when she gets out, it is a whole new ballgame, the true test of her
dedication to soberity will be proved by her actions, not her words.

Jody675

i wish you the strength to do what is right for your non addicted daughter and family. being a parent can be really tough at times. no matter what choice you make it always feels like the wrong one. in those situations, just do what is right for you and any non adult children.

kajund2r

Newimage,
I certainly empathize with you. My daughter too is in jail for probation violations. I was the one who turned her in after retrieving her from way down south--she took off with people she didn't even know. My daughter too stole my credit card & charged it up over the limit. After that incident, I told her my house was not an option.
You have to think about what you are willing to risk. If you let your AD come back to live with you, you risk letting drugs into your house and YOU could be held accountable for that, drugs around your 17 year old, other drug addicts coming to your house, property being damaged or stolen and sold, the example your 17 year old will see.
It's hard, I know. I'm there too. But I am trying to step back and say....she is an adult and she is responsible for her choices. And the rest of the family should not suffer because of her poor choices. Does it break my heart? Yes. I still try to help her---from a distance.
As far as the phone calls, aren't you the one paying for them? I know I have to pay $20 for 4 15 min. calls to my cellphone from my AD. Don't pay for them. Let her think for awhile. That's what I did. Of course, when I didn't put money on my daughter's books for commissary & phone calls, all her letters were sweet. Two days ago I put out the money since it's almost Thanksgiving, and her attitude went back to being horrible again. Disheartening. I felt like I got played.
I think YOU have to set the boundary, decide what you're willing to put up with. And if you're not willing to be blamed anymore and you're not willing to sacrifice your house & calm environment, then don't. You can choose just like she can. And I know..... it's hard.

crazybabie

Most areas have local shelters she has somewhere to stay i have taken my son there before I know it is hard but sometimes necessary.

Newimage

I have never put money in her commissary account and have only visited 3 times although she is only half an hour away, but I do pay for the phone account. I guess I do it for me.

There have been a couple of brief interludes in the estrangement, but in the last three years, the longest period of time that I've been in continued contact with her is the last 8 months that she's been in jail. I know there's a good possibility that once she gets out, I may never see or hear from her again. I'll be back to not knowing where she is; wondering if she's dead or alive.

I go to see her at the jail and look at her face, thinking that it may be the last time I see her. We chat on the phone a couple of times a week, light talk about our daily routines, and as I am listening to her voice, I am always aware that it may be the last time I hear it. She never writes "Dear Mom" in her letters nor signs them "love, XXX". When we hang up I say "love you, honey" and she usually replies "nighty nite". She calls me because there is no one else to call. She holds me responsible for everything.

Two weeks ago, her post-high school boyfriend died in another state of a heroin overdose after being clean for more than a year. When I informed her, she basically replied that he was a dumbass for OD'ing. I inferred from what she said that she was way too smart for this to ever happen to her. I thought it might sadden her to hear it,as it had saddened me, but she was unmoved.

I need to tell her she can't come here. I've been putting it off for selfish reasons. I see the 3 year old singing "Whistle While You Work" while helping me mop the kitchen floor; the kindergartener running across the school yard to fling her arms around my waist; the pre-teen waving to me from the floor of her Odyssey of the Mind competition; the woodwind captain doing the Queen halftime show in her senior year. Now I only see glimpses of that daughter and I miss her terribly while at the same time feeling relieved that she is where she is. Although there were many good times during her childhood, there were also a lot of issues. So brilliant; so high-maintenance; so exhausting.

She will call today.

crazybabie

My oldest AS is currently in prison before that he was in and out of trouble since age 12 I know that peaceful feeling when they are locked up and I know that terrible dread about their release I understand your pain.

My middle AS has overdosed and kept right on using it is hard so very hard as a mom letting go but we must

Maylie

I know it must be hard, but she has made it clear that jail has not been a wake up call for her. The fact that she still blames you shows that she is not in recovery, she is just not able to get her hands on drugs. She is prob. counting the days till she can get out and use.

She has had all this time to reflect on what choices SHE has made. She has been lucky enough that you have written to her and you have called her and all she does is shoot the breeze. She thinks that if she just keeps chit chatting that you will forget the past and just take her back.

I am a recovering drug addict myself and I can tell you that if she was even trying to turn around her life she would have spent this time evaluating what happened between you and her (I mean common she talks to you every week and writes to you yet she hasn't taken a real look at what she need to get asked to leave). For as long as she blames you, you can be 100% sure that she is not in recovery. Even the fact that she didn't care that her post high school boyfriend Oded shows that she has no intention on staying clean because after you are in recovery you hear stories like that and the normal reaction is "wow, that could have been me. Thank god I stopped before then". She just doesn't care. You said it yourself, she just wants her life back.

Please make sure that you tell her she is not welcome. Otherwise, it will be MUCH harder because she is going to come out thinking she in entitled to come back to live with you. In fact, in her sick addict mind that mind have been her plan all along. Chit chat with you and write you and get a ticket back into your house. Please protect yourself. As stated above it may be cold when she gets out, but she can go to a shelter.

Take care of yourself,

Maylie

Newimage

Ugh. She called last night and I told her she couldn't come here. She argued with me, saying she hasn't used in jail although it was offered, said she does want to change and that how can she get on her feet if I don't give her a chance, that she has nowhere to go and no clothing or money, no way to even take a shower and how can she even go for a job interview without some help. When I started mentioning the reasons she can't come here (stolen from me, couldn't observe my boundaries for even a 24 hour period, used in my house, dented my car in anger, actually took her father's bedroom door off the hinges to steal his credit cards, robbed an old lady's house) she asked me what I expected at this point, that she can't change the past. When I told her some remorse; some repentence; that she could have over the last 8 months at least said she was sorry.....she asked me what good a confessional would do. I asked her if she remembered the letter I wrote her at Christmas last year saying that she had to leave and that I would not help her in her addiction, she remembered it as a "laundry list" of things she had done wrong.
She is getting out on Wednesday because she's been ROR'd on one case but has another court date coming up on Dec 19 for the credit card fraud she did to her father. She may be going back to jail after that, I don't know.
Even though my way seems clear intellectually, I am struggling with it emotionally. This is just a horrid thing to go through

outtolunch

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I am not hearing anything about her taking responsibility for her past, present or future. Instead, it's all about what she wants and no plan to achive any of it.

It's heartbreaking stuff.