I need a good cry!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I need a good cry!!
As I write this, the tears are running down my face.
I got a heartfelt, honest and loving email from my daughter. She seems to have a different attitude about her father after talking to her boss, a recovering alcoholic.
She is thinking about counseling and I encouraged her to talk to her boss about it.
However, a few things she wrote really broke my heart. She is blaming her brother for everything. She believes if I wasn't so busy "dealing" with him and his issues - I would have known about her Dad sooner and "stopped it!!!" Of course, I explained to her brother had nothing to do with it and there was no way I could have stopped it.
But now I am feeling so stupid. I read everything I could on my son's diagnoses. Researched programs, sought any and all help for him but I was so ignorant, so naive, and in such denial about addiction AND codependency (a word I hardly hear before).
When I discovered my husband had a RX for percocets and later started abusing them - my reaction was to tell him he needed to get off them. I thought Suboxone was the answer so he wouldn't have withdrawals. Problem solved!! Ha!! Never in my wildest dream did I think he would become a drug addict! I don't believe he thought he would either.
I allowed my kids to live with an addict because I was stupid and in denial. I hid his little "problem" from them - until I could no longer hide it anymore. I thought what they didn't know - wouldn't hurt them. I was wrong!!
I keep telling myself - if I knew better, I would have done better - but I don't understand why I did not know better!!
I know my codependency is shining. I have so much homework for my Coda group tomorrow, so I skipped my meeting. Probably a bad idea!
Thank you for allowing me to share my regrets and my sorrow!!
I got a heartfelt, honest and loving email from my daughter. She seems to have a different attitude about her father after talking to her boss, a recovering alcoholic.
She is thinking about counseling and I encouraged her to talk to her boss about it.
However, a few things she wrote really broke my heart. She is blaming her brother for everything. She believes if I wasn't so busy "dealing" with him and his issues - I would have known about her Dad sooner and "stopped it!!!" Of course, I explained to her brother had nothing to do with it and there was no way I could have stopped it.
But now I am feeling so stupid. I read everything I could on my son's diagnoses. Researched programs, sought any and all help for him but I was so ignorant, so naive, and in such denial about addiction AND codependency (a word I hardly hear before).
When I discovered my husband had a RX for percocets and later started abusing them - my reaction was to tell him he needed to get off them. I thought Suboxone was the answer so he wouldn't have withdrawals. Problem solved!! Ha!! Never in my wildest dream did I think he would become a drug addict! I don't believe he thought he would either.
I allowed my kids to live with an addict because I was stupid and in denial. I hid his little "problem" from them - until I could no longer hide it anymore. I thought what they didn't know - wouldn't hurt them. I was wrong!!
I keep telling myself - if I knew better, I would have done better - but I don't understand why I did not know better!!
I know my codependency is shining. I have so much homework for my Coda group tomorrow, so I skipped my meeting. Probably a bad idea!
Thank you for allowing me to share my regrets and my sorrow!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey...it's OK. Deep breath...that's it...now listen to me...
None of us are born with a manual that tells us exactly how to deal with an alcoholic or a drug addict. I like to think that the mistakes that you, myself and others on the board have made weren't malicious in nature, but rather out of love. When we care for someone, we want to do right by them. But with addicts, when we think we do right by them, it's a slippery slope between enabling and being helpful. And that's how we end up in Al Anon, or Nar Anon, or here on the board, because we go head first down that slope. You weren't "stupid". You did the best with what you had with what you knew at the time.
The question is what do you want to do going forward, and that's when the rubber hits the road. As you'll hear in AA, "another f**king opportunity for growth."
You're going to be OK, and I think your CODA meeting will be a big help to you tomorrow.
Good night,
ZoSo
None of us are born with a manual that tells us exactly how to deal with an alcoholic or a drug addict. I like to think that the mistakes that you, myself and others on the board have made weren't malicious in nature, but rather out of love. When we care for someone, we want to do right by them. But with addicts, when we think we do right by them, it's a slippery slope between enabling and being helpful. And that's how we end up in Al Anon, or Nar Anon, or here on the board, because we go head first down that slope. You weren't "stupid". You did the best with what you had with what you knew at the time.
The question is what do you want to do going forward, and that's when the rubber hits the road. As you'll hear in AA, "another f**king opportunity for growth."
You're going to be OK, and I think your CODA meeting will be a big help to you tomorrow.
Good night,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Big hugs LMN... 
Your daughter is going through her own grief of what happened in the past and it's really easy to lay blame on others who 'could have' 'should have' 'would have' known better.
You ARE HUMAN... you are FLAWED just like the rest of us... you make mistakes ... just like the rest of us. I hope you won't let this ruin your night.
I was told recently, when someone has a beef with me, if I'm not ready to hear it, and/or it's not true or whatever, just to say "I'm sorry you are feeling that way. It must be hard for you..." or something along those lines.
I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad. Just know that you are doing all you can RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW to not repeat mistakes in the past. That's all we can do.
I hope you have a good night and remember that you are a pretty terrific person (well, I think so).
BIG HONKING HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
Your daughter is going through her own grief of what happened in the past and it's really easy to lay blame on others who 'could have' 'should have' 'would have' known better.
You ARE HUMAN... you are FLAWED just like the rest of us... you make mistakes ... just like the rest of us. I hope you won't let this ruin your night.
I was told recently, when someone has a beef with me, if I'm not ready to hear it, and/or it's not true or whatever, just to say "I'm sorry you are feeling that way. It must be hard for you..." or something along those lines.
I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad. Just know that you are doing all you can RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW to not repeat mistakes in the past. That's all we can do.
I hope you have a good night and remember that you are a pretty terrific person (well, I think so).
BIG HONKING HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
LMN: Self-doubt has a way of creeping in and blindsiding us. As CanfixONLYme said, you are human...a very compassionate and strong one, at that.
Hope you are feeling a bit better and that getting it out helped. We're here for you.
Hope you are feeling a bit better and that getting it out helped. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
I, too, have recognized my daughter's pain, having unloaded on her so much when we were going through the tough times with my son in the past. I finally got to the point where I realized how unfair it was to her; she was concerned for our safety at that time and totally overwhelmed by everything I was telling her. Lucky for her, she was living away from home during those years (grown, in college, etc.), and I am thankful for that.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My daughter was always so loving and supportive of her brother. I tried so hard to never make her feel "left out" or second to him or his needs. I never wanted her to resent him either. But after the last "go around" - she had had enough and said "I am done with him." I was complete shock and probably could have handled it better.
Yes, Hindsight is 20/20!!
Yes, Hindsight is 20/20!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Your husband:
Became a percocet addict
Chose to take Suboxone
Chose to lie to his children
Left you lost and alone at the helm in a storm.
It is overwhelming for your daughter to hold her father responsible for all the ways he failed her, betrayed her. Scapegoating is very common in families of addiction. But in recovery, it can get worked out.
Keep your meetings going, because a keynote symptom of codependency is self-loathing due to unwarranted feelings of guilt. Codependents fall down that dark black hole all the time. Others can throw you a rope.
Please do not absorb everyone else's emotions and projections, dear. It hurts you too much.
Became a percocet addict
Chose to take Suboxone
Chose to lie to his children
Left you lost and alone at the helm in a storm.
It is overwhelming for your daughter to hold her father responsible for all the ways he failed her, betrayed her. Scapegoating is very common in families of addiction. But in recovery, it can get worked out.
Keep your meetings going, because a keynote symptom of codependency is self-loathing due to unwarranted feelings of guilt. Codependents fall down that dark black hole all the time. Others can throw you a rope.
Please do not absorb everyone else's emotions and projections, dear. It hurts you too much.
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