Down the Rabbit Hole
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Down the Rabbit Hole
It's 1:44 AM and I'm lost in Wonderland and have no idea how to get out. I'm so thankful that I can come to SR to read your posts. I covet your advice and prayers.
Everything was going ok. I was separated from my AH. I had minimal contact with him. He was visiting with our kids under supervision. I was moving right along without him and fine with it.....for the most part. I'd occasionally have bad days when I'd miss him terribly but then I'd remind myself that I was only really missing the hope that he would someday be the person I wanted him to be. I'd get depressed when I thought about us never having a healthy marriage; about our kids growing up in 2 different homes; about me giving up on us. But these thoughts occurred very infrequently. However, they were enough to make me vulnerable to tumble down the rabbit hole.
It happened during church. Our pastor gave a sermon on Abraham and Sarah. Did you know that he twice allowed a ruler to take her as a concubine to save his own hide? I'd be pissed! But, really, if God could help them; He can help us. He can save our marriage. He can save my AH. I felt moved to put my wedding rings back on and to reach out to my AH.
The rest of the week was good, for the most part. There continue to be issues between my eldest child (from a different relationship) and my AH. I even tried to reason with my Child that God can fix anyone/ anything. I don't think Child bought it.
So the week went like this- we remained separated (I almost did some major damage and was going to let him stay overnight but I quickly changed my mind and used the kids as a scapegoat. I told him it'd just be too confusing for them....Well it would have); we talked a lot more on the phone; I I cited him to dinner a couple of times; we sat together in church; and we made plans to spend the weekend together with our kids. I'm deep into Wonderland by this point.
On Friday night, we took our kids to the local HS football game. We appeared to the public to be a couple. But I noticed he was dozing off....at the game! He says the methadone makes him sleepy. Whatever....then I just reaffirmed to myself that I refuse to be with him while he's on methadone. I also noticed that he had a text from an unlabeled number. Now, I hadn't really been around him that much lately and almost forgot what it's like to get that sick feeling about his texts. He wasnt living with me so I was no longer constantly reading his texts, checking his voicemail, phone usage, and emails. But the longer I sat there beside him, the longer it nagged at me to just read that one text. I tried to fight the feeling because I didn't want to give in to my Codie self...but I'm weak and finally asked him to show it to me.
The text was to one of his friends who he did/does (who knows) drugs with. Basically, my AH asked him if friend could "get rid of something smaller, like just a 15 or something." FURIOUS does not even begin to describe how I felt and still feel! I'm a little confused too. I thought pills wouldn't get him high if he's on methadone? So, we leave the game and he knows I'm mad. He told me, and still maintains, that the text was about AH buying roofing material from his friend. This obvious lie just makes me even more upset.
By then my "addict superpower" had kicked in and I fought a tension headache for the rest of the evening and into the morning. I used to have these at least weekly when we were together. Since we'be been separated, I haven't had one. Just another reason for me to hate him.
The next day we had already planned to take the kids to a water park. Since it was really his weekend to have the kids but no one was available to supervise him, I let him meet us there. I was cordial to him but really when I look at him, my only feeling is pity. Then comes resentment.
We had a Family Meeting Sunday evening. Big blow-up because during one of the times he'd hurt me, I told one of my family members about AH's theft from our church to support his habit a few years ago. My family member has apparently spread the word. Now his family is upset with me. His family is generally on my team. His family paid every cent back and more to our church but they're worried about what the congregation will now think/do. We're talking around $40k.
I want my boundaries back. It's hard because even after everything, his family forgives me and wants us to be together. My AH still wants to be with me. They say Satan is trying to destroy our marriage and our church. When it's put to me that way, I lose either way I go. If I reconcile, I'm back with a drug addict; if I don't, Satan wins. Talk about pressure. I told them I don't know if God even wants me to be married to AH.
I know this all sounds crazy. I feel like I'm lost in Wonderland. I know that all of my friends in the real world would tell me this is just nuts. I mean I'm even saying, "I love you," to him! What!? I care about him and want him to get well but I don't love him like a wife loves a husband. I just can't be mean to him. Or I can, and then I once again devastate him and his family. I just want to get out of this madness! I don't want to be a source of grief to his family.
Please help me find my way back to reality. I also had another headache Sunday evening. It took me a whole day to calm back down. I want to do what's best for my kids! I was ready to file for divorce the Friday before the Sunday that I put the rings back on.
Everything was going ok. I was separated from my AH. I had minimal contact with him. He was visiting with our kids under supervision. I was moving right along without him and fine with it.....for the most part. I'd occasionally have bad days when I'd miss him terribly but then I'd remind myself that I was only really missing the hope that he would someday be the person I wanted him to be. I'd get depressed when I thought about us never having a healthy marriage; about our kids growing up in 2 different homes; about me giving up on us. But these thoughts occurred very infrequently. However, they were enough to make me vulnerable to tumble down the rabbit hole.
It happened during church. Our pastor gave a sermon on Abraham and Sarah. Did you know that he twice allowed a ruler to take her as a concubine to save his own hide? I'd be pissed! But, really, if God could help them; He can help us. He can save our marriage. He can save my AH. I felt moved to put my wedding rings back on and to reach out to my AH.
The rest of the week was good, for the most part. There continue to be issues between my eldest child (from a different relationship) and my AH. I even tried to reason with my Child that God can fix anyone/ anything. I don't think Child bought it.
So the week went like this- we remained separated (I almost did some major damage and was going to let him stay overnight but I quickly changed my mind and used the kids as a scapegoat. I told him it'd just be too confusing for them....Well it would have); we talked a lot more on the phone; I I cited him to dinner a couple of times; we sat together in church; and we made plans to spend the weekend together with our kids. I'm deep into Wonderland by this point.
On Friday night, we took our kids to the local HS football game. We appeared to the public to be a couple. But I noticed he was dozing off....at the game! He says the methadone makes him sleepy. Whatever....then I just reaffirmed to myself that I refuse to be with him while he's on methadone. I also noticed that he had a text from an unlabeled number. Now, I hadn't really been around him that much lately and almost forgot what it's like to get that sick feeling about his texts. He wasnt living with me so I was no longer constantly reading his texts, checking his voicemail, phone usage, and emails. But the longer I sat there beside him, the longer it nagged at me to just read that one text. I tried to fight the feeling because I didn't want to give in to my Codie self...but I'm weak and finally asked him to show it to me.
The text was to one of his friends who he did/does (who knows) drugs with. Basically, my AH asked him if friend could "get rid of something smaller, like just a 15 or something." FURIOUS does not even begin to describe how I felt and still feel! I'm a little confused too. I thought pills wouldn't get him high if he's on methadone? So, we leave the game and he knows I'm mad. He told me, and still maintains, that the text was about AH buying roofing material from his friend. This obvious lie just makes me even more upset.
By then my "addict superpower" had kicked in and I fought a tension headache for the rest of the evening and into the morning. I used to have these at least weekly when we were together. Since we'be been separated, I haven't had one. Just another reason for me to hate him.
The next day we had already planned to take the kids to a water park. Since it was really his weekend to have the kids but no one was available to supervise him, I let him meet us there. I was cordial to him but really when I look at him, my only feeling is pity. Then comes resentment.
We had a Family Meeting Sunday evening. Big blow-up because during one of the times he'd hurt me, I told one of my family members about AH's theft from our church to support his habit a few years ago. My family member has apparently spread the word. Now his family is upset with me. His family is generally on my team. His family paid every cent back and more to our church but they're worried about what the congregation will now think/do. We're talking around $40k.
I want my boundaries back. It's hard because even after everything, his family forgives me and wants us to be together. My AH still wants to be with me. They say Satan is trying to destroy our marriage and our church. When it's put to me that way, I lose either way I go. If I reconcile, I'm back with a drug addict; if I don't, Satan wins. Talk about pressure. I told them I don't know if God even wants me to be married to AH.
I know this all sounds crazy. I feel like I'm lost in Wonderland. I know that all of my friends in the real world would tell me this is just nuts. I mean I'm even saying, "I love you," to him! What!? I care about him and want him to get well but I don't love him like a wife loves a husband. I just can't be mean to him. Or I can, and then I once again devastate him and his family. I just want to get out of this madness! I don't want to be a source of grief to his family.
Please help me find my way back to reality. I also had another headache Sunday evening. It took me a whole day to calm back down. I want to do what's best for my kids! I was ready to file for divorce the Friday before the Sunday that I put the rings back on.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry you are struggling with this, and that it seems nothing has changed with him.
The God of my understanding does not want us to be miserable but to be joyous and embrace life. I don't pretend to know how God thinks, but it strikes me that He would want us to stay away from the darkness of addiction, even if our loved ones are trapped there, only they can choose to leave that place and we cannot drag them out. It doesn't work that way.
Sending hugs this morning, and hope you find peace with whatever choices you make.
Hugs
The God of my understanding does not want us to be miserable but to be joyous and embrace life. I don't pretend to know how God thinks, but it strikes me that He would want us to stay away from the darkness of addiction, even if our loved ones are trapped there, only they can choose to leave that place and we cannot drag them out. It doesn't work that way.
Sending hugs this morning, and hope you find peace with whatever choices you make.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
Cheshire Cat and Alice ~ Alice In Wonderland
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
Cheshire Cat and Alice ~ Alice In Wonderland
More hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
((Faithlove)) So sorry to hear you are going through this. Are you comfortable with asking for counseling from someone in your church? The addict in my life is my AS and some of the best advice was given to my husband and I from another couple at a local church who counsel others going through addiction with their children. It was free of charge and honestly helped more than any counseling I had in the past and paid for.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When I was really really ready to divorce my XAH, wild horses couldn't have dragged me back. You'll be ready to move on when you're ready......and not a moment sooner. There is nothing we can say that will make that moment happen. For me, it took a long time but once it did, it was like a light switch.
I loved the quote Ann used from Alice in Wonderland. How beautifully and simply true. If we don't know where we want to go, it really doesn't matter which path we take.
Once you decide on a path, you'll be focused to take it. And there is no amount of fear, obligation and guilt that your AH or his family will be able to heap upon you that will change it. I too believe that God wants us to live a serene life and troubles are a means of teaching us how to do it.
You are in my prayers today as you make your choices. Personally I find prayer and meditation are great ways to find answers. If I sit still and listen, God oftens answers but not always the way we want or expect him to.
gentle hugs
ke
I loved the quote Ann used from Alice in Wonderland. How beautifully and simply true. If we don't know where we want to go, it really doesn't matter which path we take.
Once you decide on a path, you'll be focused to take it. And there is no amount of fear, obligation and guilt that your AH or his family will be able to heap upon you that will change it. I too believe that God wants us to live a serene life and troubles are a means of teaching us how to do it.
You are in my prayers today as you make your choices. Personally I find prayer and meditation are great ways to find answers. If I sit still and listen, God oftens answers but not always the way we want or expect him to.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
When I was really really ready to divorce my XAH, wild horses couldn't have dragged me back. You'll be ready to move on when you're ready......and not a moment sooner. There is nothing we can say that will make that moment happen. For me, it took a long time but once it did, it was like a light switch.
Keep praying and know we are here for you, whatever path you take. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
you could swap out the word "addiction" for "Satan"
from all of the experience we have as a community (of a lot of faith I might add!) we have generally come to this consensus...that we cannot get between an addict and their addiction...or we cannot get between another person's spirit and satan (if you prefer)
according to the religion I understand God gave us a free will...we were bestowed with a freedom of spirit...to turn toward good or evil...each of us gets to make that decision and no one can make it for us...and we cannot make it for someone else, even if we are married to them
since most healthy codependency principles demonstrate the idea of detaching as the healthiest alternative then you can come to believe that you are doing the best thing by detaching from evil
evil feeds upon the more spirits it can attach to, including your children!
beware people who do not have experience with addiction, it can be so misunderstood and simplified in a dangerous way
until you have actually danced, or witnessed someone else dancing, with the devil then you have no idea of the insanity and distortion and twistedness
to stay in that dance is not healthy
you cannot get your husband to stop dancing
that is between him, the devil, the deep blue sea...and god
god loves him more than you do
but god also gives him freedom to decide for himself
and YOU to decide for YOURSELF...and your CHILDREN whether to stay in that twisted dance.
from all of the experience we have as a community (of a lot of faith I might add!) we have generally come to this consensus...that we cannot get between an addict and their addiction...or we cannot get between another person's spirit and satan (if you prefer)
according to the religion I understand God gave us a free will...we were bestowed with a freedom of spirit...to turn toward good or evil...each of us gets to make that decision and no one can make it for us...and we cannot make it for someone else, even if we are married to them
since most healthy codependency principles demonstrate the idea of detaching as the healthiest alternative then you can come to believe that you are doing the best thing by detaching from evil
evil feeds upon the more spirits it can attach to, including your children!
beware people who do not have experience with addiction, it can be so misunderstood and simplified in a dangerous way
until you have actually danced, or witnessed someone else dancing, with the devil then you have no idea of the insanity and distortion and twistedness
to stay in that dance is not healthy
you cannot get your husband to stop dancing
that is between him, the devil, the deep blue sea...and god
god loves him more than you do
but god also gives him freedom to decide for himself
and YOU to decide for YOURSELF...and your CHILDREN whether to stay in that twisted dance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by Scrapbooker
((Faithlove)) So sorry to hear you are going through this. Are you comfortable with asking for counseling from someone in your church? The addict in my life is my AS and some of the best advice was given to my husband and I from another couple at a local church who counsel others going through addiction with their children. It was free of charge and honestly helped more than any counseling I had in the past and paid for.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
When a husband uses drugs, he abandons his wife, he abandons his children. It is my understanding that the church does not support husbands who abandon their families. When a husband walks away from his family, then according to scripture, it is my understanding that then the church community becomes "husband" and "father" to the abandoned wife and children who now need support. The husband, having turned his back on his family and on the church, is on his own, by his own free will.
The sermon you heard: the salvation of the husband came from God and not from the wife. Wives do not save their husbands. A man's life is in God's hands and no one else's. It would be ego-inflation if any one of us thought we could be the person to transform someone's life. That is always between the individual and God.
If and when your husband has a real relationship with God and in both word and deed and consistently over a long period of time has demonstrated this new relationship with God through sobriety and amends, that is when you could once again put on your wedding rings.
As for the drug deal: methadone (if he is actually on it) relates only to opiate addiction. It does not affect the use of other mind-altering substances. He can get high in other ways, if he chooses to.
The sermon you heard: the salvation of the husband came from God and not from the wife. Wives do not save their husbands. A man's life is in God's hands and no one else's. It would be ego-inflation if any one of us thought we could be the person to transform someone's life. That is always between the individual and God.
If and when your husband has a real relationship with God and in both word and deed and consistently over a long period of time has demonstrated this new relationship with God through sobriety and amends, that is when you could once again put on your wedding rings.
As for the drug deal: methadone (if he is actually on it) relates only to opiate addiction. It does not affect the use of other mind-altering substances. He can get high in other ways, if he chooses to.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
