Recovering BF thinks I'm a hypocrite for taking antidepressants
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
Recovering BF thinks I'm a hypocrite for taking antidepressants
Hi everyone,
My BF was addicted to opiates and is now almost 9 months sober; he has taken to drinking heavily instead and is something of an extremely high-functioning alcoholic. He does not believe in medical intervention or support groups or 12-step programs. Or rather, he doesn't believe they are for him.
I am diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and ADD and take prescribed medication to manage them as well as seeing a counselor every week. I think I've definitely stabilized and found what works for me.
The thing is, he sees absolutely no difference between his use of opiates/alcohol and my use of medication. He believes that I am addicted to my medication and, while he does not insist that I stop taking them or that I let him start taking opiates again, feels that I hold him to a double standard.
His argument is that my dependence on my medication mirrors his former dependence on opiates and current dependence on alcohol as they are all substances which "help people get through the day / take the edge off." The only difference is one is socially acceptable due to manipulation by big pharma / the medical community and the other is not.
So. I haven't tried to change his mind, I know that sort of thing is fruitless. But I have talked to him to try to understand his view and have him understand my condition but he remains firm in his stance. I asked him if he thought diabetic people were addicted to insulin and he says that doesn't apply to me at all.
I can see where he's coming from, but deep down I know he is wrong. Or wrong to frame it that way. Maybe I've been manipulated into believing in socially acceptable coping methods.
How can I open his mind and support his recovery without continuing to sound like a hypocrite?
My BF was addicted to opiates and is now almost 9 months sober; he has taken to drinking heavily instead and is something of an extremely high-functioning alcoholic. He does not believe in medical intervention or support groups or 12-step programs. Or rather, he doesn't believe they are for him.
I am diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and ADD and take prescribed medication to manage them as well as seeing a counselor every week. I think I've definitely stabilized and found what works for me.
The thing is, he sees absolutely no difference between his use of opiates/alcohol and my use of medication. He believes that I am addicted to my medication and, while he does not insist that I stop taking them or that I let him start taking opiates again, feels that I hold him to a double standard.
His argument is that my dependence on my medication mirrors his former dependence on opiates and current dependence on alcohol as they are all substances which "help people get through the day / take the edge off." The only difference is one is socially acceptable due to manipulation by big pharma / the medical community and the other is not.
So. I haven't tried to change his mind, I know that sort of thing is fruitless. But I have talked to him to try to understand his view and have him understand my condition but he remains firm in his stance. I asked him if he thought diabetic people were addicted to insulin and he says that doesn't apply to me at all.
I can see where he's coming from, but deep down I know he is wrong. Or wrong to frame it that way. Maybe I've been manipulated into believing in socially acceptable coping methods.
How can I open his mind and support his recovery without continuing to sound like a hypocrite?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Science.
All drugs of abuse cross the blood-brain barrier almost immediately, giving the user an instant high, an instant and intense mood change. It is a fact that if you give an addict a substance which would provide a high in, say, ten hours or so, he would not be interested. The compulsion to use is immediate and demands immediate response. The goal is to produce an ABNORMAL brain chemistry IMMEDIATELY to produce an instant mood change.
The reason anti-depressants are not sold on street corners at $30 a pop is because they gradually, over a period of months, correct an existing imbalance between the cortisol and serotonin levels in the body, bringing the chemistry back to NORMAL. The goal is NORMAL brain chemistry and there is absolutely no immediate fix, no instant high. There is no possibility, hence, of addiction.
Your boyfriend is behaving like a petulant bully. And it's because he is an ACTIVE ADDICT.
All drugs of abuse cross the blood-brain barrier almost immediately, giving the user an instant high, an instant and intense mood change. It is a fact that if you give an addict a substance which would provide a high in, say, ten hours or so, he would not be interested. The compulsion to use is immediate and demands immediate response. The goal is to produce an ABNORMAL brain chemistry IMMEDIATELY to produce an instant mood change.
The reason anti-depressants are not sold on street corners at $30 a pop is because they gradually, over a period of months, correct an existing imbalance between the cortisol and serotonin levels in the body, bringing the chemistry back to NORMAL. The goal is NORMAL brain chemistry and there is absolutely no immediate fix, no instant high. There is no possibility, hence, of addiction.
Your boyfriend is behaving like a petulant bully. And it's because he is an ACTIVE ADDICT.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks very much for the response.
I think his argument would that "NORMAL" brain chemistry is subjective and that I'm dependent on my meds because I've been taking them so long that I just THINK the effect is normalizing. And that I still constitute as addicted because "wouldn't your quality of life decrease significantly if you stopped taking your meds for three days? Or a week?"
Or he might say that scientific results can be manipulated to benefit pharmaceutical companies and quacks. He seems to have had bad experiences with professional help and doctors from his youth.
I have no idea how to respond. He's awfully eloquent sometimes. And dense. Dense as a brick.
I think his argument would that "NORMAL" brain chemistry is subjective and that I'm dependent on my meds because I've been taking them so long that I just THINK the effect is normalizing. And that I still constitute as addicted because "wouldn't your quality of life decrease significantly if you stopped taking your meds for three days? Or a week?"
Or he might say that scientific results can be manipulated to benefit pharmaceutical companies and quacks. He seems to have had bad experiences with professional help and doctors from his youth.
I have no idea how to respond. He's awfully eloquent sometimes. And dense. Dense as a brick.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
If that's not active addict talk......I don't know what is.
Your BF is not sober and is not working a recovery if he is still drinking. I would bet anything, he is still using opiates!! And is extremely manipulative!!
Your BF is not sober and is not working a recovery if he is still drinking. I would bet anything, he is still using opiates!! And is extremely manipulative!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome. There is no reasoning with an unreasonable addict. He is not in recovery, he is just defending his usage. Since he is not in recovery, there is nothing to support.
His disease is a progressive one, if he is not back on dope, he will be.
Go about your business of living and ignore his jibber-jabber.
His disease is a progressive one, if he is not back on dope, he will be.
Go about your business of living and ignore his jibber-jabber.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Or you can just tell him that since he has not been through 24 years of schooling and then some to get the M.D. after his name that what you are prescribed is between you and your doctor.
End of discussion.
Dollydo is correct, addiction is progressive and he will be back on the opiates before long. Right now he is just using the alcohol as his DOC (Drug of Choice) some call it switching addictions, but nothing has changed.
Now it is up to you to decide if this is the way you want to live your life?
Welcome to SR.
Love and hugs,
End of discussion.
Dollydo is correct, addiction is progressive and he will be back on the opiates before long. Right now he is just using the alcohol as his DOC (Drug of Choice) some call it switching addictions, but nothing has changed.
Now it is up to you to decide if this is the way you want to live your life?
Welcome to SR.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us.
Your BF's method of arguing (circular arguments) cannot be won. The only way to "win" is to disengage from the argument or agree with them just to make it stop ( not necessarily the right answer but I've used that one before--it doesnt really work because then he wants to argue that I simply agreed with him to get him to shut up. Lol. See how ridiculously circular this can become? Crazy making stuff). An active addict does not seem capable of agreeing to disagree and letting it go. They want to win. And unfortunately so does a good codependent so....round and round we go. An addict will sit there and provide a very convincing argument that the sky is actually RED but we're just too blinded by being told its blue all our lives to REALLY see the true color. They'll tell us we are brainwashed. They'll tell us that we're stupid. They'll tell us that they were given a gift from God (drugs or alcohol) that enables them to see the truth. They'll say whatever their drug or alcohol saturated brains tell them to say to protect their addiction. It's just the way the disease works.
Your BF is still in active addiction. He has simply changed seats on the Titanic.
If your therapy and antidepressants are working for you......it's none of his business. Take care of you first. You're worth it.
gentle hugs
ke
Your BF's method of arguing (circular arguments) cannot be won. The only way to "win" is to disengage from the argument or agree with them just to make it stop ( not necessarily the right answer but I've used that one before--it doesnt really work because then he wants to argue that I simply agreed with him to get him to shut up. Lol. See how ridiculously circular this can become? Crazy making stuff). An active addict does not seem capable of agreeing to disagree and letting it go. They want to win. And unfortunately so does a good codependent so....round and round we go. An addict will sit there and provide a very convincing argument that the sky is actually RED but we're just too blinded by being told its blue all our lives to REALLY see the true color. They'll tell us we are brainwashed. They'll tell us that we're stupid. They'll tell us that they were given a gift from God (drugs or alcohol) that enables them to see the truth. They'll say whatever their drug or alcohol saturated brains tell them to say to protect their addiction. It's just the way the disease works.
Your BF is still in active addiction. He has simply changed seats on the Titanic.
If your therapy and antidepressants are working for you......it's none of his business. Take care of you first. You're worth it.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Please listen to what everyone is telling you here. When they told me, several months ago, each and every person was right. My exBF had relapsed, and was not in recovery, and I just didn't want to see it. My ex also would argue the strangest points and throw things at me that didn't even pertain to our argument or say because I went out with friends one night and had a few drinks, that I was just like him (um, yea, I was never addicted to alcohol so now I'm just like you....a drug addict that was taking up to 30 vicodin a day before rehab, xanax and adderall). There's no point in arguing with them.
Many months later I would discover phone records going back months. Every time we got into one of these arguments correlated with a time frame that he was communicating with all his drug dealers. Silly me, I told all my family and friends, there's no way he would be on drugs again, he's sober!!! Not quite. Not only did he go back to his DOC, he added more.
You are all so wise on this site. At first, I felt everyone was harsh, but looking back, everything you all told me would happen would. I thank you for that. I'm sorry you're going through this Vivi but if your intuition is telling you something isn't right, then it probably isn't.
Many months later I would discover phone records going back months. Every time we got into one of these arguments correlated with a time frame that he was communicating with all his drug dealers. Silly me, I told all my family and friends, there's no way he would be on drugs again, he's sober!!! Not quite. Not only did he go back to his DOC, he added more.
You are all so wise on this site. At first, I felt everyone was harsh, but looking back, everything you all told me would happen would. I thank you for that. I'm sorry you're going through this Vivi but if your intuition is telling you something isn't right, then it probably isn't.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
The thing is, he sees absolutely no difference between his use of opiates/alcohol and my use of medication. He believes that I am addicted to my medication and, while he does not insist that I stop taking them or that I let him start taking opiates again, feels that I hold him to a double standard.
Here's a little story that may be of help to you.
Three years ago, I discovered my mentor was an alcoholic. He and his wife retired out in Palm Springs so that she, as a cancer patient, had a better chance at wellness. She wasn't doing so well, and apparently he turned back to the bottle to cope. Eventually, I went out there to bring him back to New England, where he was diagnosed with Alcohol Dementia. He died 8 months after I brought him home.
One of the takeaways I took from this experience is it may be unfair to judge people. He was watching his wife die in front of him every day, his primary support system was 3,000 miles away, and he wasn't thinking about the consequences of his actions. He was only trying to get through his days one at a time. And he made some bad decisions, decisions he paid for. As angry as I was with him for doing that to himself, I let it go because who knows how I'll be at the end of my life.
During a fight with my AXGF, who at this point had less than 60 days clean time, threw in my face that if my mentor had stayed in AA and was honest, he wouldn't have died the way he did.
My point? Addicts who say what my AXGF said, or what your ABF said, are spiteful, dishonest, and clueless, and if they were truly committed to THEIR recovery, they would not dare point out the issues that others face. At the very least, you need to consider what staying with such a person is doing to your well-being. His comments, to me, indicate a lack of character and a lack of empathy.
Welcome to the Board. Take advantage of the posts and the stickies.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR Vivi!
Many good things have already been posted to this thread.
I have battled major depressive disorder since my teens. I am one of those who just can't do without any antidepressants. For years now I have been under the care of a psychiatrist, see a therapist regularly, and am active in 12-step recovery.
There are people who just flat out do not understand mental illness, and never will. My dad made the comment to me at one time that if I had God in my life, I wouldn't need antidepressants. I went no contact with him after that for an extended period of time.
Please continue to do what you need to, dear. As for your boyfriend, he is not in recovery, not even close.
His comments to you in regard to your medications is an attempt to deflect from the elephant in the room...his addictions (including alcohol).
I hope you continue to post, and please know you are among friends. Sending you hugs of support on the Kansas winds!
Many good things have already been posted to this thread.
I have battled major depressive disorder since my teens. I am one of those who just can't do without any antidepressants. For years now I have been under the care of a psychiatrist, see a therapist regularly, and am active in 12-step recovery.
There are people who just flat out do not understand mental illness, and never will. My dad made the comment to me at one time that if I had God in my life, I wouldn't need antidepressants. I went no contact with him after that for an extended period of time.
Please continue to do what you need to, dear. As for your boyfriend, he is not in recovery, not even close.
His comments to you in regard to your medications is an attempt to deflect from the elephant in the room...his addictions (including alcohol).
I hope you continue to post, and please know you are among friends. Sending you hugs of support on the Kansas winds!
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
My fiance has different views on medications and even modern medicine than I do. I respect that. He respects my views as well. They just don't happen to be exactly the same.
During a conversation that turned quite heated I told him "One you finish medical school you can talk to me about what meds doctors should prescribe and what meds people, including me, should take for anxiety and depression. Period." End of discussion.
During a conversation that turned quite heated I told him "One you finish medical school you can talk to me about what meds doctors should prescribe and what meds people, including me, should take for anxiety and depression. Period." End of discussion.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
[QUOTE=vivilost;3553659]Hi everyone
The thing is, he sees absolutely no difference between his use of opiates/alcohol and my use of medication. He believes that I am addicted to my medication and, while he does not insist that I stop taking them or that I let him start taking opiates again, feels that I hold him to a double standard.
His argument is that my dependence on my medication mirrors his former dependence on opiates and current dependence on alcohol as they are all substances which "help people get through the day / take the edge off." The only difference is one is socially acceptable due to manipulation by big pharma / the medical community and the other is not.
This makes me really angry.
This is exactly why some cancer patients and complex pain patients are denied a dignified, pain free death or short existence because of deluded half wits like him that abuse drugs that cause prescribing issues for others who generally need them.
You cannot abuse anti-depressants.
No-one takes them for a high.
Has he studied pharmacology? Does he work in big pharma? Is he a scientist? Is he a paid up part of the medical community?
I am thinking the answer to all those questions is no.
Honestly who gives him the right to judge you?
He needs to invest a bit more time raising his own low standards than criticising you.
Has his opiate/alcohol approach to 'taking the edge off' been through many randomised placebo controlled trials?
Has his method of abusing drink and drugs been approved by the FDA as a way to cope with life, like most ant-depressants have?
Is there a documented dose of booze you need to take or do you just neck a random bottle of poison?
Has this been trialed in the right populations - elderly, frail, younger adults - and is it supported by long term safety data like anti-depressants are?
No as far as I know there is no long term saftey data of the abuse of achohol and drug addiction BECAUSE IT IS NOT SAFE!!!!
Please sweetie - get away from this sort of bullying. Eloquent or not, he is wrong.
I am so mad!!! I cannot bear deluded individuals like this!
The thing is, he sees absolutely no difference between his use of opiates/alcohol and my use of medication. He believes that I am addicted to my medication and, while he does not insist that I stop taking them or that I let him start taking opiates again, feels that I hold him to a double standard.
His argument is that my dependence on my medication mirrors his former dependence on opiates and current dependence on alcohol as they are all substances which "help people get through the day / take the edge off." The only difference is one is socially acceptable due to manipulation by big pharma / the medical community and the other is not.
This makes me really angry.
This is exactly why some cancer patients and complex pain patients are denied a dignified, pain free death or short existence because of deluded half wits like him that abuse drugs that cause prescribing issues for others who generally need them.
You cannot abuse anti-depressants.
No-one takes them for a high.
Has he studied pharmacology? Does he work in big pharma? Is he a scientist? Is he a paid up part of the medical community?
I am thinking the answer to all those questions is no.
Honestly who gives him the right to judge you?
He needs to invest a bit more time raising his own low standards than criticising you.
Has his opiate/alcohol approach to 'taking the edge off' been through many randomised placebo controlled trials?
Has his method of abusing drink and drugs been approved by the FDA as a way to cope with life, like most ant-depressants have?
Is there a documented dose of booze you need to take or do you just neck a random bottle of poison?
Has this been trialed in the right populations - elderly, frail, younger adults - and is it supported by long term safety data like anti-depressants are?
No as far as I know there is no long term saftey data of the abuse of achohol and drug addiction BECAUSE IT IS NOT SAFE!!!!
Please sweetie - get away from this sort of bullying. Eloquent or not, he is wrong.
I am so mad!!! I cannot bear deluded individuals like this!
Last edited by Sasha4; 08-29-2012 at 09:27 AM. Reason: Spelling
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I think it's really sad that your boyfriend doesn't support you in your recovery from depression. You deserve better than that from someone who is suppose to love you and want the best for you.
Seems to me that he's trying to deflect from his drug and alcohol problems and make it look like YOU are the one that issues - common manipulation tactic of addicts.
Maybe this is a good time to make a list of everything you want as part of a healthy long-term relationship, everything that you are getting out of this relationship, and then see how they match up.
Seems to me that he's trying to deflect from his drug and alcohol problems and make it look like YOU are the one that issues - common manipulation tactic of addicts.
Maybe this is a good time to make a list of everything you want as part of a healthy long-term relationship, everything that you are getting out of this relationship, and then see how they match up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Welcome to SR. I am glad you found us. I noticed you titled this "Recovering BF"
he is not in recovery hon if he was he would NOT be drinking no matter his drug of choice (DOC) if he is using anything he is not recovered.
You have serious medical issues that require treatment don't let him make you think otherwise it is addict talk plain and simple.
I wonder if you were diabetic if he would think you should not take your insulin.
Keep reading, posting and check out the stickies at the top of the forum.
he is not in recovery hon if he was he would NOT be drinking no matter his drug of choice (DOC) if he is using anything he is not recovered.
You have serious medical issues that require treatment don't let him make you think otherwise it is addict talk plain and simple.
I wonder if you were diabetic if he would think you should not take your insulin.
Keep reading, posting and check out the stickies at the top of the forum.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by vivilost 
My BF was addicted to opiates and is now almost 9 months sober; he has taken to drinking heavily instead and is something of an extremely high-functioning alcoholic.
He's not sober. He an addict using a different substance. The substance does not matter.
He is living his life as he sees fit to do.
Are you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Why waste your time trying to convince him that he has a problem? It's evident he likes his alcohol and has no intention of becoming sober. If you want a sober partner, he is not the man for you. So what do you want? If you want him to quit using and abusing substances, then you need to realize you are setting yourself up for a lot of turmoil. It's like when my husband was a smoker. I hated that he smoked. I ask myself why did I marry a smoker in the first place if I hated it so much. Love is blind is why. Later after the honeymoon period wore off and my husband's smoking began to annoy me, there was nothing I could say or do that would convince him to stop. He smoked for 40 long years. He finally did decide to quit, at least for now, but it had nothing to do with my nagging. If it did he would have quit years ago.
If you don't want your boyfriend to be an addict/alcoholic, then look elsewhere. Otherwise, learn to live with it because live with it is what you have to look forward to.
If you don't want your boyfriend to be an addict/alcoholic, then look elsewhere. Otherwise, learn to live with it because live with it is what you have to look forward to.
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