SSHope

My brother left for a 28 day inpatient rehab program 3 1/2 wks ago. When he left he told his 8 year old son that he would call him. He also told my parents that he did not want them to come visit or participate in the family education program that is offered through the rehab. After 2 weeks and no phone call, my nephew broke down and his mother called up to the rehab to try to contact my brother. She was able to get him on the phone and he told her that he hadn't called because a counselor had to be present for any phone calls he made. That rule made him angry, so rather than calling to speak to his son, he chose not to call at all. He also told her that the first week he was there he wanted to leave and they convinced him to stay. He then told her that he was being released 5 days early because he had worked through the steps quickly. My nephew's mother asked my brother if she could call me and my parents to let us know that he was okay. He said that would be fine.

I am so frustrated with the program and my brother's attitude! My brother shut his family out of the education piece that was offered. I'm not an idiot, and I have gone to a program elsewhere. However, my parents have not. To make matters worse, my parents drove up to the rehab to try to visit him. This is after they made a phone call to the rehab, left a message for my brother who never returned their call, and was told by a staff member that unless their names were on the approved list that they wouldn't be able to visit with him. I advised my parents not to try to visit, and when they arrived the staff allowed them to see my brother, but my dad said he acted as though it was an imposition that they were even there. They saw him for 5 minutes, and then left. My mother was crushed.

My parents are not perfect, and they are definitely codependent, but it makes me so angry to see my brother treat them that way. His entitled attitude makes me want to scream! He had no intention of even calling my parents to let them know he was coming home (he is living with them), until he was dropped off on Wednesday. I guess he just expects them to drop everything and run to do whatever he needs. He also lied to my parents and told them that he was the one that asked his XGF to call them rather than her asking if it was okay.

I am so angry about the way he treats my parents that I don't even want to see my brother when he comes home. I know there will be no good that comes of any conversation that I have with him now or in the future. I told my parents that if he wants to contact me to sincerely apologize for his attitude and behavior, and let me know that he is in a strong continued recovery program, I may be willing to listen. I also told them that he is an ungrateful brat and a**h***. I will not break off contact with my parents, but I may need to set boundaries. I can't continue to listen to the way he is treating them, and yet they continue to let him do it. The anger and bitterness that I have for this situation is eating me alive. My gut tells me that my brother will relapse before long, as I would think that a recovering addict would have a different attitude from the one my brother has. After 20 years of addiction and the first round in rehab, I find it hard to believe that he could have gone through the steps so quickly that it earned him a five day early release. I am tired of 20 years of the "poor brother" attitude with no one ever allowing him to fall on his face. And all that it has gotten my parents is a slap in the face.

Reality checks, words of wisdom, etc. are greatly appreciated!

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry for this frustrating situation! Maybe you could get your parents some Naranon literature to read, if they are unwilling to attend meetings.

Nothing changes if nothing changes! Sadly, it sounds like your predictions will be dead on!

BeavsDad

Reality check - You can't control your parent's relationship with your brother.

You will only frustrate yourself and drive a wedge into your relationship with them.

Setting your boundaries is a good idea. Sticking to them is a great idea.

EnglishGarden

It might be useful to remember that he is still operating with an addict brain and will do so for some time to come.

He will not meet your expectations.

It would be just fine for you to cut contact for 6-9 months while he works a program, and then resume some limited contact if you feel safe to do that. If not, extend the no-relationship time until you are ready. You do not have to make this boundary in a non-loving way. It would not be about judging him, it is about taking of you. You can wish him a wonderful new start in recovery and tell him you'll catch up with him in about 9 months.

His relationship with your parents is none of your business. You can let it go. They will direct their own lives and put up with whatever they wish to. You love them. You can say so and step away.

outtolunch

Your parents are not limited to attending family counseling at the rehab. Most communities have local programs. Alanon, Naranon, Families Anon and CODA are just some of the options available should they want help and support from people who have walked in their shoes.

Since you have no more control over your parents than you do your brother set some boundaries to protect yourself so the anger does not eat you. No reason why you have to listen to any conversations about your brother and/or the chaos and pain this causes your parents. While you cannot prevent them from allowing your brother back into their home, you don't have to hear about it anymore.

If you are all in the same geo area, perhaps you could suggest that you and your parents all attend Alanon. If they won't go, nothing prevents you from doing so.

Could it hurt?

LuvMySis

And for this reason, this is exactly what I've done in my family. No contact with my sister, and very limited contact with my parents.

SSHope, consider doing this, or something like it, soon. I wasted many years of my life with this at the forefront of everything.

SSHope

Thank you all for your thoughts and wisdom. I am feeling better today, and am working hard to give myself permission to let go of "obligation" I feel to protect my parents. My father is 78, and I worry so much about this situation literally killing him or my mom.

I like the idea of possibly going no contact for a period of time and then re-establishing later if my brother is in continued recovery. I love him and the thought that I may have to walk away for good is just too hard to consider right now.

I have actually used the quote, "nothing changes if nothing changes" with my parents. I don't know if it is falling on deaf ears at this point. I tell myself that I can't control anyone's actions but my own, but that is easier said then done. Obviously I still have codie behaviors to sort through.

Thank you all again!

outtolunch

The more I try to control other people the less I control myself. Rather convenient, eh.