Beware of the mancave
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
Beware of the mancave
another part of my codie behavior was to go for my husband having a "mancave"....which was just our garage converted into a place for him to have friends over and watch the game. it was codie...because inside...i didnt like him having this secret place away from me and the baby. i say secret...becausee i didnt have the key! he always talked it up like it was his place for relaxation and privacy...a place to chill and just "watch the game." i went along with it...to "make him happy" and not create any problems...when i knew i didnt like it...codie.
little did i know...no, i take that back...i did know that there was a possibility that bad things were going on in there....but i didnt make a fuss. that is where he was smoking his pot...doing coke...and of course cheating over the phone/internet. and that is where he would have his friends over...all single...and they would join him. that mancave was THE SPOT.
whenever i would come in, (after knocking...yep..can you believe that..i had to knock)...he would be upset...embarrassed, or irritated....that should have been the red flag there.
in a marriage...everything should be an open book...full transparency...the healthiest of marriages dont need secrets...or secret lives.
since i have been separated from my husband...the mancave has been destroyed. i disconnected the cable...no need to watch tv in there now...i removed all the old furniture in there...gave it all to goodwill...removed the carpet, cleaned out all his things, (including the straws i found with coke residue)...and through the **** away...
the only thing in MY GARAGE now is my suv and bbq grill.
no locked doors or "secret" rooms in my house.
little did i know...no, i take that back...i did know that there was a possibility that bad things were going on in there....but i didnt make a fuss. that is where he was smoking his pot...doing coke...and of course cheating over the phone/internet. and that is where he would have his friends over...all single...and they would join him. that mancave was THE SPOT.
whenever i would come in, (after knocking...yep..can you believe that..i had to knock)...he would be upset...embarrassed, or irritated....that should have been the red flag there.
in a marriage...everything should be an open book...full transparency...the healthiest of marriages dont need secrets...or secret lives.
since i have been separated from my husband...the mancave has been destroyed. i disconnected the cable...no need to watch tv in there now...i removed all the old furniture in there...gave it all to goodwill...removed the carpet, cleaned out all his things, (including the straws i found with coke residue)...and through the **** away...
the only thing in MY GARAGE now is my suv and bbq grill.
no locked doors or "secret" rooms in my house.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
BeavsDad is right, nothing is wrong with a man having his space and privacy, but if he's doing wrong things-then he shouldn't have the pleasure of a wonderful woman! Good for you! HA, the cleaning is very symbolic of getting him out of your life-Now imagine when the vehicle pulls into the Garage-you driving Over the mess-you are above it!
You deserve better!
You deserve better!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I have mixed feelings about this topic.
On the one hand, you're associating his drug use with his "mancave", which is perfectly understandable and I totally get why you'd be livid.
On the other hand, what if he wasn't doing drugs in there? What if it were just a room? My ideal mancave is something I hope to build one day: a home recording studio where I can demo songs, record my band and keep all my guitars in. Music, for me, is an escape, and I would hope that my future GF or wife would understand, from time to time, that I want to spend some time in there alone. Does that make me a bad partner? Wanting to spend time by myself so I can write and record?
In any relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic, there are healthy boundaries that both parties need to respect. Some of them are clear; others unspoken.
You've been badly hurt by someone whose only concern was getting high. Part of the healing process involves establishing healthy boundaries for yourself as time goes on. Right now, you're probably still moving through all the anger. I hope you're doing well.
Best,
ZoSo
On the one hand, you're associating his drug use with his "mancave", which is perfectly understandable and I totally get why you'd be livid.
On the other hand, what if he wasn't doing drugs in there? What if it were just a room? My ideal mancave is something I hope to build one day: a home recording studio where I can demo songs, record my band and keep all my guitars in. Music, for me, is an escape, and I would hope that my future GF or wife would understand, from time to time, that I want to spend some time in there alone. Does that make me a bad partner? Wanting to spend time by myself so I can write and record?
In any relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic, there are healthy boundaries that both parties need to respect. Some of them are clear; others unspoken.
You've been badly hurt by someone whose only concern was getting high. Part of the healing process involves establishing healthy boundaries for yourself as time goes on. Right now, you're probably still moving through all the anger. I hope you're doing well.
Best,
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
hi zoso....thanks for your reply...yeah...i think it is great to have a den, or mancave...or hobby room....i see no problem with it. my personal experience with having it in my home has been a nightmare. it is not the space, you know? it is the man who was doing all of those horrible things in that space....it could have been in the basement and if he were doing drugs...i would have felt the same way. i probably would have turned the basement into something else!
the mancave at my home just symbolizes a bunch of negativity in my life....and i wanted it destroyed. it felt good to get rid of it, you know?
kind of along the same lines as me pawning my wedding rings if i get divorced for the money...and using the money to get a face lift or boob job....i'd "feel" better. doesnt mean that i wont ever wear another wedding ring from the right guy...it's just that the old ones were a bunch of ******** and i want them out of my jewelry box, you know?
the mancave at my home just symbolizes a bunch of negativity in my life....and i wanted it destroyed. it felt good to get rid of it, you know?
kind of along the same lines as me pawning my wedding rings if i get divorced for the money...and using the money to get a face lift or boob job....i'd "feel" better. doesnt mean that i wont ever wear another wedding ring from the right guy...it's just that the old ones were a bunch of ******** and i want them out of my jewelry box, you know?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 10
I actually have a FEMcave, where I have all my Goddess statues and altar, scented candles, romance novels and other interesting books, a comfy couch where I can watch chick flicks without the critical eye of my partner, and barricade myself in there when the world is too much for me. It doesn't mean I'm cheating or hate him or anything. (even though yes, I am having serious problems with the one I have now, but others were ok). I need this space because I grew up in a situation where I had very little to no privacy and it's very reassuring to know that it's "mine" and all my stuff will still be where I chose to put it, etc. He hates to go in there anyway because he hates cupcake and strawberry scented candles, chick flicks and so forth, LOL That's how I should have known we wouldn't get along- who could hate the smell of cupcakes? LOL
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